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Hi MBD, a VERY BIG welcome to you. My ex boyfriend not husband, no children, is a sex addict and every other diagnosis description mentioned in this forum. I was living w him for 3yrs, and i always “knew” something was off, but yes, masters of deceit is exactly what he, they, are… There was no way “he” would ever do any of that sort of thing!
Now, i found out the shocking truth about the double life, after a year and a half…
i understand you want to confront, and there are circumstances you need straightened out to make a clean break, but PLEASE PLEASE listen to these women and listen to me…it is truly a mindfucking, twisting of emotion and core shaking experience. HE WILL show a desperation of how “you saved him..” By finding out, HE WILL apologize profusely, agree to do absolutely everything and anything because “he can’t lose you”.
i am the strongest person i know, i was in a vulnerable position when i began getting involved w him at the time too, unexpected loved ones deaths, and other stuff, and i never ever was the kind of person to run from anything… When i discovered this it was the first time in my life i wanted to run from anything ever. I was so fucked up from it all, the pain was so unbearable, i took the comforts he offered to me grasping white knuckling at any kind of “ok this pain i going to go away, right?'” God in heaven please!! That i stayed for another year and a half…. We did a whole lot in what is called for in the “recovery process” therapy five nights a week, indiv couple counseling etc etc. he put a trace on his phone, handed me receipts when purchases were made in cashto show the ATM withdrawals .. youd think wow right? Well the visuals, the triggers, the constant ‘is he going to do this, again, and just be better at hiding it, getting around the trace etc.’ was just as unbearable as the initial pain. “Slips and relapses” are also EXPECTED, in the course of recovery… Umm hello?? Would you be willing to accept that? I said no, yet i stayed, and took the risk…. Now im stuck in this trauma, the reminiscent bullshit of promises… Because he did slip oh, ‘but just w porn’ well he hid it a d lied about it… So much for a recovery and getting help to build trust and honesty… He moved out in June.
MtnbkeChic… you were a victim, DO NOT LET YOURSELF CONTINUE TO BE ONE. PLEASE, im fearful for you when you confront him… KEEP IN MIND everything youve read in this forum, keep that strong momentum going, read through some more through this site. Do not let him mastermind you into pitying him, having mercy and that he needs help and is willing to get it for your relationships sake, he’s going to try.Its been six months my ex moved out, and i still am struggling hugely w all of it. Please stay strong… you really do have all of us at your back.
whether staying married/in the relationship or not.
i think maybe Jeff feels a bit threatened and maybe even guilty? see when i see people behave that way, i cant help but through experience, deem that THEIR lashing out at someone else who is by far doing the right thing, a good thing, its because they themselves are in fact not.
i dont know, i only glancingly read through the postings Jeff was involved in, BUT I PRAY that he and Ella’s approach in this extremely delicate situation is beneficial to those who seek their counsel.
btw, ive found some of the lashing out at the SA’s humorous rather than strictly vicious. ive found myself chuckle while reading most of them.. we i feel have to get those thoughts out, we have to tell the sigh “crazy” stories of our reactions to scenarios we’ve been in, otherwise, we would surely explode.. and being able to express them and laugh a bit, helps heal.
wow wow and wow. i am almost (lol) speechless. first off i NEED to thank you all. i have gotten a bigger reality check in last 72hrs than ever had w in the last two yrs as this turmoil has barged into my life.
secondly, i rem hugely, at my ex and i’s “recovery group” each couple were to be “lead couple”. now, i was vigilant? diligent? dont know the best word, im exhausted, anyway, at seeking ANY HELP available to guide me, him, us in this horrific *cough* journey, and marriedtoasexaddict was one of the very first sites out of an infinity amount i had come across that made an impact. with that being said, a lead couple had decided to copy and bring in the posting JoAnn wrote about “why i stayed” THAT ALONE, while there is also clearly so much posititivity in the support of trying to make the relationship/marriage be a successful one through all of this, shows that this site is STRONGLY about supporting a POSITIVE outcome for the, (hello why does this Have to be CONSTANTLY reminded?) TRAUMATIZED partner!!?? AND the marriage/relationship surviving. SO WHAT! that there us a tendency to lash out in anger towards the SA, umm are we not entitled? ok! no we dont have a “license” (one of my arrogant therapist mockingly stated) to abuse, HOWEVER, it comes from the ptsd. AND while that venting occurs, WE ARE IN FKNG THERAPY talking amongst ourselves, providing virtual hugs that are so desparately needed and heartfeltly given, passing along tools, resources, opinions, FACTS, exchanging stories i could go on and on with what this site provides to enable us victims, us, all we want(ed) to do was to love and be loved partners, an outlet, a grounding, some “normalcy”, a form of sanity in this madness, where with God’s help, combined w the help from one another we CAN and WILL move on and forward to a more fulfilling life from a pit of hell that we havent been dragged through, that we’ve been dragged into.Ugh, i feel that the only part of my brain that isnt struggling w all this, as well as getting chills, is saying W T F? is going on? the fact that this incredible amount of betrayal is going on more and more, the even having to do a polygraph to get some sort of what? relief? Truths? the fact that these sites, even and GOD BLESS YOU JOANN, are a part of life, is absolutely 100% way beyond crazy. I mean, im listening to myself and stepping outside myself looking on and am like, this is your life?! this is what the world has come to? a fking clinical diagnosis for people who “cannot” be monogamous and are soo capable of putting on a show of kindness and goodness? ability to lie straight daily w out breaking a swear!!?
thank you politicians and celebrities for making infidelity an epidemic of a sick mind rather than not having the moral values to be a true loving faithful partner. my heart aches for all of us. And its pathetic to say, but sometimes i feel so scared to go out there find a new rather than continue to “fight the demons im already familiar with” how howw can i possibly imagine getting involved w someone new and say to myself to give him the benefit of the doubt? everyone says that im “just saying that now..” Yeah ok. Put the sex part aside, for a minute, every night sitting across from me at the dinner table. Every night sleeping next to me in bed, i KNEW something was off, knew it, and whenever is question… some of The replies would be, “you dont believe me?” “You dont trust ME?” “I would never hurt you!!”
Only to find out what i found out, AND we’re talking e v e r y moment he had to search through the ads, he took, right there in my kitch while im vacuuming, while im napping.See (exhale lol sorry) tho, that is where i end up getting fkd up… because to do that at that frequency etc. and the actual ability to lie so brilliantly, its just GOTTA be a sickness.
Here’s my feeling about a polygraph w more specific questions. A big part of this demon/monster disease whatfkngever they have inside them thrives on lying and getting away w it. So, if the the ink in the pen was blue, and on the lie and say the ink was red and get away w it, that monster starts singing and dancing and decides. NOW, unfortunately ive read where polygraphs can be beat. If they lie taking that and get away with it where they can say, see? The polygraph is saying im telling the truth! That monster will throw a party!! And be on its way to “urging” well, youre sooo good at lying you even beat a machine! C’mon check out the buffet on backpage… shes already convinced and has more reassurance and certainty thanks that machine ha ha ha. “
I also think that more specified questions could maybe throw them into a more panic physical reaction that will show on the graph. Umm i already know the answer to “have you been unfaithful?” How about “regular women” like i got names of highly likely ones.. and is think if the practitioner threw out to him “anything physical occur w step?” That just might(ve) made him shit a little. AND i also feel the words used, context, i wouldntve wanted the practitioner to ask in the context of “…a woman named steph?” Make it more intimate in context. so specifics “was a condom ALWAYS used?” Etc. i think makes a huge difference in the results.
“Have you not been in contact w any prostitutes in (#) months?”
The story between my ex and me in regards to a lie detector is a frightening and crazy one.. Im at work, I’ll tell it another time. He offered but we didnt do it.. I’ll explain why…Hi cscdoc,
welcome to this sisterhood of support. i have only joined less than 24hrs ago, and the love on this site has already given me so much more hope than i had had been struggling with before about a future..
i am so sorry about what youre going through, like teri said, it plain sucks.. getting through is immeasurably hard, and we all do get it, so much we get it.
thanks anniem, great name! i’mdoing the best i can, these setbacks are just so brutal… how are you doing?
Jenny,
i just joined last night and you are a HUGE inspiration. i wish you all the best next week. and will pray you keep your strengths and i can gather up the confidence again to mimic those strengths. you write beautifully, so articulate with twists if humor that i so admire…. i used to be exactly like that, and have every intention on getting back there and better than before even. your courage and how genuine you are is uplifting .. you are a woman whom can restore faith in humanity and enlightenment that there isnt just hope theres determination for succes through such hellish circumstances.
i look forward to reading more of your posts.~rita
i didnt need that stuff/texts before either, it was helpful and encouraging, tho, when he’d do it, after i found out… even before i found out, like i said it wasnt a necessity, but it was heartwarming a form of romance, i dunno, im broken damaged for sure.. i had gotten into desoaration, but that isnt who i am… and prince charming is not what i expect thats a for sure, not even w someone new…
shattered dreams, the big point in my post, is, I DONT WANTTO MISS THAT STUFF ANYMORE! ya know? it sucksss this pain has to end.
we had been talking about giving it another try… its like ok, well, either we’re fully into it and see one last time how things go, or we dont do this. AND thats it! if we decide not to try again, pain has to be gone! and if we do decide to try again, and it, doesnt work, thats it! this pain has to gooo!
ya know?? enough! i want to move forward. i want to love again, obe day. i dont want to wake up every morning w it on my mind and go to bed at night the same thing… and throughout the day be consumed by it mostly.. i hate to admit it, but time is true, while im no where near where i want to be in terms of healing from this, i have simewhat improved, slighttttly but signufucantly. i just want to look at an asian, a pretty girl, drive down a road and not feel the nausea, anger, start to cry or all three anymore….i dont miss the 5 nights a week therapy and support groups… i miss his willingness to do that.
i dont miss looking at his hands and face that used to make me melt and those feelings turned to nausea thinking how could he?!! those are my hands, my face!
i dont miss looking at the trace on his phone holding my breath, i miss that he offered to have that done.
i dont miss being a warden and getting receipts for every cash/non atm purchase, i miss that he would voluntarily give them to me to show where and what the cash was being spent on.
i dont miss hyperventilating crying that came along every time i passed one of the spas or hotels, or visuals, i miss his support, (seemingly so) sincere compassion, remorse and promising he will never hurt me like that again.
i dont miss the text messages having to check in, i miss the “im thinking of you my love, are you doing ok today?”
“im getting the help, thank you for not giving up on me, i’ll deserve you one day, i promise”
i dont miss reminiscing about the times when we’d be having such good moments occasions and then coming to know he was lying the whole time, i miss the new beginnings, the new memories “better ones” we were creating.
i dont miss feeling like a pathetic fool completely getting taken advantage of, i miss how we would express that no, we’re not married, no, we dont have children, we’re (here at this couples retreat) fighting for this relationship because its worth fighting for, we want to.
i dont miss needing tools to help communicate rather than it coming naturally, i miss using the tools we learned in group, and poking fun at ourselves at some of the stuff in the workbooks and the confidence we had that one day, this will always be there, but the ugliness will be behind us.
i dont miss the begging and pleading and awful serious fightingg, i miss the vulnerability showing, the strained difficult opening up but jumping out of the comfort zone to do so.
i dont miss the silence due to resentment, closing off, hatred, anger, i miss the calm afterwards the lengthy kissing, embraces that doesnt come along often, in this world at all.im a mess, i know.. and now im crying.
we, i really, put my heart and soul into all of this. ive battled w bouts of depression for many years, had a horrible side affect from a medicine that landed me in the hospital, my oarents divorce was brutal and i was the only one living at home at the time (youngest if five)my dad passed away from cancer when i was 25. i found my mom passed away in her bed, unexpectedly dec 2007 and two weeks later found my brother after being missing fir two days, in his truck passed away from toxins in his blood, potential overdose of psychiatric medication he was 55.
some other instances too, i have a long list if traumas that ive survived, this is such a different kind, tho, it feels unbearable surreal to me at times… how could anybody do this to somebody, but to me??!! im the strongest person i know, ive HAD no choice, ive had to be… i feel so broken, i got so ugly w my rage. i so desperately wanted a rewarding outcome out of all this, and he truly made me believe that there will be one.totally true Terri, after when we kissed a few weeks back it felt natural familiar. Since then when we’ve discussed giving it another try, i dont understand why just because of all that he “did do” during our “recovery time” i have such like belief in him that hes soooo capable of change .. I dunno it clouds my judgement thats for sure, the only conclusion is because the pain so much wants him to just fix it all.. like he promised over again.. “Im going to make you as happy as youve made me, I’ll spend the rest of my life doing that!” “You’ll see..” etc i want(ed) so much to believe all that i held onto it. Still do. it sucks
Hi Lynn, thank you. Its so common sense, its so logical… i cant stand that im having difficulty applying that. wthell? Im even so tired of using the reasoning “i was a victim, ptsd..” Its like come on already. Thank you again tho, because common sense i do need to be reminded of it. I need more of that reinforcement!! you, my sisters, this site is a God send.
I think that thats gotta be the biggest most twisted issue about this whole thing, i mean the sex, yeah, awful, but the ability they have at looking at us straight in the face not breaking a sweat is just so evil. He did this every second of every day.. if he didnt go for whatever reason, there was constant searching and calling..
how can someone sit across the dinner table slurping up my amazing sauce w ital bread, and while was cooking looking up his next prostitutw or with one??!!
The visuals are nauseating memories etc. but for someone who is so deemed kind, gentle, generous, considerate to everybody, and can look at me tho without any guilt and just kept doing it daily, is beyond sick and crazy… Its pure evil. My suspicions before i found out were based on what i would see as inappropriate behavior.. i would always always be told that its harmless he would never ever do anything… regularly i was told by his friends wives and gfs, and HIS friends wives and gfs how they all wished their men were more like him… that sickens me too, that none of them are aware of the monster he has inside him. He gets to socialize be amongst people who have not a clue what hes our me through, they all probly deem my insecurities and past issues were probly more the reason the rel failed.. We work together too, same goes for co workers… its not that i “care” what other people think but its that their under the entirely wrong impression. Its always said that there are 3 sides to every story… Well unfortunately in this case there is truthfully only one side to this story.. I have kept his dark side from the people close to him and his circle, because truthfully it would destroy him probly more than im destroyed… im also very concerned that he would harm himself, suicide.
I have tho said to him, that i dont think me finding this our was his rockbottom… that any of them knowing would be it. But again, i think hed be suicidal, and successful at it if any of them were to know.Its so crazy how much ive saved him. 3 days after he moved out on the news, “over 100 ‘Johns’ got arrested for soliciting sex” i sent him the link, because all their mugshots are posted!! I told him how if it werent for me hed be one of them. Wake up! Ya know?? We were getting help! THIS is the life you want?!! he so needs continued help.
Thanks again, more and more i type here i confirm to myself so better off… i just wish the pain wasnt so deep and the trauma wasnt so severe. anymore, or at least subsided more at this point, ya know? It still feels so raw. Im so tired of time, time, time.. i want it to go away already.this site is so amazing… Forget the hope of reconciliation, and the promise of a successful marriage/relationship w these men. You all have given me the certain hope that i will move on from this and wont want his comforts anymore.. blah i hope this mindset sticks!
I wish we could all get together.. my gfs and family still see the pain in my eyes but so cannot relate, i rem when my ex and went on a couples retreat sanon and for the first time i didnt feel like i was white knuckling being social, they all were more or less in the same situation, i felt relaxed able to breath.
This support from this site already ive felt myself exhale a few times.. hope is there despite such feeling if despair.kristen, you express yourself so well, i feel so much your pain, and i cannot believe this mess. i will keep you, all of us, in my prayers. you, kristen, really have hit me so much, i feel stronger after i read what you wrote… thank you. im so trying. its so painful, immeasurably.
i am awe of all of your strengths. the support groups, i, we went to, were quite disturbing… kinda cultlike in a way even. i am Christian i have a strong faith, im not saying 12 steps arent a very priductive tool and outlet, but the women, just seemed so… i dunno the word, like, this is my life, this is how things are for me… i couldnt stand the “where do i need to improve myself” bullshit, THIS IS ME! im not changing, i even LIKE my flaws! when my ex and i got together, i layed my cars out on the table… i have this issue, that issue, but im strongminded, and fantastic LOL, i couldnt stand that i had to learn how to “approach” topics in a manner different than that of, im F**KING PIST OFF! ya know? i mean dont get me wrong, i have quite a long fuse, and im not saying being a raging lunatic is productive, but if i see a serious ass kicking is necessary, its gonna happen… none of this, “oh, how could i have approached or handled that differently..” crap. ya piss me iff ya piss me off!! again, it takes a lot to do that too, so…
now, as for the topic, hope, sorry i went off before… hope is something i do not want to lose to bitterness… i want love in my life, i want to give it again… i dont see it happening, because, really the poor next guy, lol… pic it “yeah, i’ll commit to you, i wont believe a single word you say, because my ex was a brilliant evil sociopath, but yeah! lets see if we could have a future together!” right, im so fu**ed 🙁
anyway, statistics, i dont know much, about, but i too believe they have control over this behavior. what red blooded american man isnt “addicted” to tna etc.?? its maturity!! thats in question.. theres temptation e v e r y w h e r e you either give into it or dont, come on! grow up! OR! lead that life and dont bring someine else into it! its so simple, disgustingly so. unless theres an underlying chikdhood trauma, like molestation or something, a grown man, can CHOOSE to go ahead and be scum to their loving partner or not. i mean really… ive heard about how they have such self hatred fir themselves too, please, theyre narcissistic and selfish… wanting the wifey at home and trash on the side.. the end.
i so contradict myself, in my own head though, thats hiw damaged i am over this, part of mtpy brain, the damaged part and my bromen heart, gets so mixed up with… “but but he’s troubled..” ugh
rita ~ determined to remain hopeful
thanks Ali, im trying, i was doing really well, focusing on the relief after he moved out. then i dont know, loneliness, overwhelming painful memories, like the pain images etc. wont go away… hes gone, yet i wake up w that horribleness and got to bed every day/night struggling to let it go, stop it from consuming me. its like a desperation towards him, please make it go away!! we were getting help, we getting far, there was such hope!! God, i cant stand myself… i used to be the gf that my friends would come to and id give them the pep talk to rid thrmselves of that loser… now im the one who is shattered broken, struggling to get through the days… its awful and humiliating.
im 40 btw, not that young, lol, how old are you??
thanks again to all of you, really… its been one of those weeks, you know, how its like a back and forth, im doing alright.. moving along and then bam, an emotional wreck..
i get triggered, too, just driving around, i know where theyreall located!! its nauseating, i know where he went. its hell…liza, that was awesome, keep saying stuff like that to me, till it f**cking sets in, because as awesome as it is, its not sticking… pathetic… i want to add we rescued a puppy together and hes helped w her expenses, he has also been compliant with paying me back the money he had “borrowed” from me… i swear im not defending him or trying to paint any kind of picture… i wanted to make mention of as much as possible to give the full view… hes very very good at making anyone, me, think about the ohhh such a good guy, but very troubled, persona… my trouble is, it works, because it feels so sincere… and soconfusing!
for now… thats why im in need of the help from all you sisters..i cannot express in words just how much comfort and warmth i just felt from you ladies. thank you, THANK YOU SO MUCH!!i am not alone, i have many friends and family, good ones! but they cant possibly understand… and they have their own lives, ya know?
as far as my longing goes, it is not at all a longing for what we “had” before i found out… as far as those memories go, theyre completely shit on, by him… so im not looking to go back to those days … i was always suspicious that something was “off” with him, he has everyone fooled and had me thinking i had serious trust issues etc. due to past traumas i had gone thru. that was from may 2010 til jan 2012. jan 23rd 2012 i’ll never ever forget that day. we had come across an issue a few weeks prior, that mr. so wonderful that all my friends and his friends wives and gfs would say how theyd wished theyre boyfs and husbs was like him, reacted in a completely diff way than would be expected with such that of a reputation… so, i coukdnt take it anymore, i KNew it wasnt trust issues (i even was going to therapy for that back then!) and that i wasnt crazy so i started snooping .. BAM prostitutes, everywhere. i thought i was going to vomit. i had asked him, he of course denied “just looked and called” anyway, then confession after 3wks of me digging and finding out way more than i needed to, and it was “just spas and handjobs” we went to therapy, him indiv., me indiv., and couples and support groups… for 10months i kept digging, again finding out way more than i needed to. do you know theres a website that actually has men giving explicit detailed reviews on the women??!! locations, even where to “park the car discreetly” !!!
finally ffwd to 10 mths later after begging and putting that website, his call logs, locations, atm withdrawals, he told me “everything” now all that therapy we were doing was out the window, he continued lying, ya know? i hated his therapist too, seemed very arrogant and he specializes in sa and couldnt pick up ob the fact that he was lying?? his “problem” was going on for 10+ yrs, and its a “progressive disease” i doubted that handjobs and for the amount of money he was
spending that thats all that went on. the website really helped confirm all that.
so, im so beyond mindf**cked at this point, i become a raging codependant and held on to every bit of his efforts he was making, checking in w me, holding me as i cried, taking my vulgar ugly (hate who i had become) verbal rants, giving me receipts every time he spent cash and putting traces on his phone. i relied HEAVILY on all that being proof that he was serious and we were going to one day out this behind us w the understanding that recovery though is a life long process.
we even went to a sa couples weekend retreat, it was so inspiring and excellent to be amongst people in the same situation… instead of being around friends and family (at that time i told no one) and having to place a smile on my face through the agony. i felt like i was now living a double life.
six months later after trying to builf trust, and creating new traditions, new memories since all the old were shit on, i find out he “slipped” looking at porn in a way around the trace, and he tried to hide it and lied for two hours before confessing… that was it, now really all that work out the window. there were too many tools where he didnt have to give in to that urge, AND gets caught and lies? really??
he moved out w in the next 3wks.
ladies, im out ofmy mind.. i pine for his arms and his beautiful face… he did so much to make it all better… he gave in to that monster side of him and let the urge for take over, my continuous rage was unbearable as well…
now its sux months later… he always takes my calls when im having a meltdown if i need him to, i try sohard to sweat the meltdowns from triggers on my own. i do sometimes, sometimes i jyst have to call upon him, and its weird how he helps them pass… ive succombed to taking medication which i also hate that ive had to resort to have to do, i have an excellent psychologist/therapist as well..
now, we’ve been talking more, and we got together a few weeks ago, and we kissed.. ladies, im sorry, forgive my pathetic mindset, but it was wonderful, warm, comfortable, passionate. just kissed. his arms around me, we cried, we held on so tight…. i dont want to want any of that anymore… i dont want to hold on to knowing how capable and strong he really is at facing the pain hes givenn me, he did that admirably, took the punches so to speak, big ones, verbally speaking. but i do. i so do.. please help not want it anymore.. Cmas, ya know? he destroyed our old traditions, andbwe made such a new special one last year, and my heart is aching. thank you so much.
