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Thank you so much for all of your help! I came to this site because I need encouragement and strength. Thank you! I’m glad 2013 is behind me and am really looking forward to what 2014 has in store!
Thank you for sharing your story. I, like you and every one else on this site, have suffered tremendous trauma. My discovery was in February 2013 and am now separated. A BIG part of me wants to go back to my husband of 28 years but because of my friend’s, my grown children’s, and family’s support and encouragement I have not. I just rejoined SOS now to get more encouragement. It is hard. I’m 53 and have never really been alone (and I don’t want to be!) but I know it’s best. I do feel SOS is good for us because no one else is in our shoes and it is hard. Hang in there!
I just wanted to say that I do doubt and agonize over the “right decision”. I filed for divorce last week, He got served last night and our temporary hearing is set for September 16th. I was feeling sad and wondering if I had made the right decision just a few minutes ago… that is why I’m here now – getting support and encouragement form all of you. Thank you so much for all of your posts! They have given me much insight!
Teri – I am in that stuck mode. I want to get out of this stuck mode so badly! I doubt recovery can really happen…
I’ve been the same way. My H cries and cries. I just watch him cry. He has even told me he has noticed that I don’t cry. I used to. I am a very sensitive person. Since Dday (Feb this yr) I have not been able to make decisions (especially “should I divorce or not”. H say he has changed and I do think he has but I don’t think he will stay that way. Also am not able to get much done – to busy obsessing over this junk!
Thanks Trish. I need Joann to help me with either deleting or combining threads. This was my first post -I didn’t think the other one showed up.
Thank you everyone for you help. It is so hard to be the one to start the divorce. My husband NOW waits on me hand & foot – (hard to leave that- I kind of like the pampering!). But when it comes down to it – no matter how many kind things he does it will not change things. He has murdered our marriage. Still hard because We’ve been married 28 years and I still care for him.I like the discussion on 12 Steps and they’re renewed faith. I think that’s wonderful, but is it real and how long will it last?
I read your posts about being stuck in the swamp, getting out & then drug back in – I totally identify! I’ve told my husband I need full disclosure & polygraph (plus ongoing polygraphs) or I’ll serve divorce papers next week. It’s so hard because he’s so nice right now.
Hi Trish – my discovery day was last February. Still the only things I know about my husband’s acting out us what I’ve found. He mentioned to our marriage counselor last week that he would disclose with me the next week but with his other men in the battle Councelor. I’m nervous but do want to know. I doubt I’ll be able to stay with him afterward. I really don’t think he could have can’t kind of excuse. To me – he’s a big boy & he made his choices knowing full well what he was doing & what the consequences would be but still repeatedly did them. Hurting me & his family. Bringing home diseases to me. Even saying that it is still hard for me to leave Him.
I’d love advice. I hate that I can’t make a decision & be strong enough to leave. Just so hard to let go.
Trish – I’m originally from Charleston SC – close to Sullivan’s Island. Enjoy yourself. What a nice place to be!Thank you so much for your post! I am exactly where you are. My H is being extremely nice and doing everything for me (almost as if I am helpless sometimes). I wish he were his old true self (short tempered, moody and grouchy) – that would make it easier to divorce him because I truly feel he will do it again (he is most likely still doing it). I hate limbo! I wonder “What’s wrong with me? Why can’t I leave?” I think that is because for some reason I do still love him some, but as time goes on with all of this I am living him less. My H has given me 2 cervical cancers and herpes. My D day was February of this year. I found the end of the year charge bank statement for a card I don’t have and found his many memberships to sex hook up places. If I go by my 2 cancers – my H has been up to this since we married 28 years ago. He did most of his stuff when he was supposed to be at work ad then would come home to his family. It is sick that they do this to us but won’t leave us and make it hard by playing these mind games of “I love you”, “I’m changed”, and my H even is trying to be more spiritual or at least appear to be to fool be most likely. I have told him I will stay if he will take polygraphs every 3 months. So far he has not agreed – saying that they only have a 70%-90% accuracy. What do ya’ll think about polygraphs? Any suggestions or advice on that?
What are we to do? How could they have lied to us, betrayed us so much and violated us? Then they screw us up even more by being so sweet, love us, and saying they’ve changed? I’m screwed up now – I don’t really want a divorce and I know that if I stay – it will be just a matter of time before he is doing it again. HOW IN THE WORLD COULD HE HAVE DONE WHAT HE DID IN THE FIRST PLACE?
So true. I am having a hard time letting go. I feel that I should (to save myself). He says he loves me and is a changed man. I feel he will eventually be out there doing it again. Because of his being so nice and attentive to me it is even more confusing and harder to let go.
I wanted to ask your opinions on this. I have had cervical cancer twice. I found out the first time after getting back from our honeymoon. That time I had cryosurgery to freeze it. We had been sexually active for nine months prior and I had not had sex with anyone else at least a year before. Then about 12 years later I got it again. This time I had to have the Leeps procedure – more aggressive. Do you think I got both of these from my husband? Could the second time have been from another exposure from him screwing around on me or from the first time I had it. He denies it giving it to me. I developed herpes about 12 years ago (we have been married now for 28 years). He told me he had herpes in college (of which he never told me about). Seems like I would have gotten herpes sooner into our marriage.
I understand that stuck feeling. Not wanting to make a decision because I don’t like either decision : staying or divorcing. I’m stuck too. I’m mad. I love this site because here I can see that I am normal. I wish I could make a decision … but I don’t like either decision. I think Bev’s advise is great, but I know it’s easier said then done.
It’s comforting to know there are other women out there going through and feeling the same thing I am. It is so hard to let go. I don’t want to let go. I know it is best for me if I let go.
Thank you so much for all of your posts. I am experiencing everything all of you are. It’s weird – like a whole crop of guys like this! It will be 28 years married for me this July 20th. I’ve been sucked back in. I have tried several times to get the strength to tell him I want a divorce – and then I get sucked back in by him saying things like: “I’m going to fight for you”, “I’m going to fight the battle”, crying and saying sweet things to me. I search for things I think mainly to get me mad enough to go through with divorce. It’s so hard when I hear these things because I was totally shocked when I first found out a little over 4 months ago. He says he is going to every man’s battle – have any of yours done that? Do you know any statistics from that? I went to my first COSA last Saturday and was surprised that I am now a co-sex addict?! I don’t take any credit or blame for any of this! What is your opinion of COSA? Will this be good to help deal with the pain and fear and anger I have? Most of the women in there are staying with their husbands. HELP! I don’t know what to do.
Saturday thank you so much for your post. I am still trying to make the decision to divorce. I have been married almost 28 years. My discovery of my husband’s sex addiction was about 4 months ago. Such a shock. It is surreal because I have never seen this side of him – hard to imagine. He is saying he is going to “fit the fight” and being super nice to me now. I know the best and safest option for me is divorce. It’s so hard though because of the “what ifs”. But I see most likely he will slip back into his sexual addiction. Your story gives me strength. Thank you.
The double life is so wierd. My son (who is now 23 years old) told me about a conversation he had overheard on the phone. This was about 10-15 years ago. My son over heard his Dad talking to another woman and he called himelf by a different name. How sick is that?! My son didn’t want to tell me until recntly when I told him about his father cheating on me basically our whole marriage (last 28 years). My son said he never trusted his Dad after that and would check to see if he was where he said he’d be.
I’d like to get your feedback on this – my counselor is the one who pointed out to me that I most likely got cervical cancer because of my husband’s promiscuity. My first bout with cervical cancer was soon after our honeymoon and then again 10 years later. I have had herpes now for the last 10 years also. Shouldn’t there be some kind of repercussion for that? Alimony?I so understand where you are … my husband is to be moving out tomorrow. He is still being so sweet – I know he is thinking that I will not go through with it. I don’t want to but I can’t stay on this emotional rollercoaster.
I am new to this. I so appreciate knowing others are out there like me. It’s so weird. How can a person do this for so long and I not know it? How can a person live with themselves? Once I found out – he then suddenly became the husband of my dreams and a wonderful father (2 months ago). He says he loves me. ??? I feel this is a form of mental abuse! It leaves you with such an empty, lonely feeling inside. I am now at the position as to decide what to do. I’m mad that he has put me in this! I never wanted a divorce. I don’t think I can get those images in my mind of what he might have been doing. I know how hard it is to end a marriage because I don’t want to – BUT …
