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Here’s the last word from me…
J.,
I need a few days to calm down. This is too much for me to handle and I know nothing good can come from this “life style” for me. It just isn’t possible.
Please take your polygraph on Thursday. If you don’t I will always “wonder” no matter what ultimately happens here.
I can forgive you…just not sure i can be married to you.
Paulette
I don’t know if there’s much left to say. I just know I can’t do this. Every time you look at a tramp on the Internet, you knew it was wrong, you knew you were breaking our trust, you just knew… Point being…You didn’t care. You did it anyway to satisfy yourself. Your put your selfish desires over our marriage and now I am being told that this is “potentially” uncontrollable, unless you find a higher power and join a cult like organization and pay thousands of dollars a year in therapy.
Looking at little girls on the Internet is controllable. Grown 51 year old healthy men don’t need this in their life. Grown men find healthy sexual outlets with their wife. You always felt I was the problem and I would need to get over how I felt. Well guess what … I’m over it. It’s wrong and I want nothing to do with it.
This is a dark world and I chose to not live in it. Living this world of recovery is just as painful as discovery. There’s two more words I don’t want to use anymore either “recovery” and “discovery”.
You need to find yourself and grow the fuck up. Your recovery model is your choice, not mine. The last thing I want is your continued behavior to be blamed on me railroading you off of the recovery tracks.
I want to take vacations on beaches again. I want to wear a bathing suit and not bad feel because I have a few extra pounds – that I am not worthy. I may not be perfect based on your 19 year old standards. Guess what I was once thin and 19 too, but I grew older and grew up. I thought you were there with me and I am crushed to learn you are not and were never really present in our marriage. Selfish Selfish Selfish. How sad for me to live with this reality the rest of my life.
Paulette
I don’t know what to think right now. I still question how this can really be an addiction. (so obviously he’s thinking about what I say) I believe it’s a matter of being a selfish narcissistic self-centered bastard who feels entitled. I met his CSAT last night who told me you know… unless Jim stays in therapy, goes to meetings and does the work, he will relapse. I wanted to vomit. OK Gues what your in for life and unless you follow this ridiculous program you are doomed. Grow a pair and be a real man, make good choices, love honestly and purely, quit finding excuses for your behavior. Own it and Change it!
He is scheduled for a polygraph next week. This is to verify this has not been into anything more than porn – his virtual mistress. Trust me I learned from this site that this is what they all say. Bus just what if he is telling the truth… He lies by omission. Anything I have ever asked him straight up – he tells the truth. That’s the same shit my kids do.
I don’t believe in the recovery model, it just doesn’t make sense to me. I am a spiritual person, but no means a bible toter. This just doesn’t make sense and I cannot see me spending the rest of my days living like this. But what is this really….. The polygraph may give me exactly what I need. I hate this, I hate this, I hate this.
Paulette,
I can’t apologize enough for the pain and anguish I have caused you. I know you love me. You are the only person in my life that truly made me feel loved and I have destroyed that. I will never be able to reconcile was has been denied you in the past. I agree we can not live in our current situation because this is not living this is existing.
I woke up this morning realizing how much I miss you, I realize that you do not want to hear this but its true. Nothing I say or do will cure the hurt you are feeling, my narcissism has lead me to this point in my life and I take full responsibility for all of this. You have done nothing wrong but love me. Why wasn’t that enough for me to return the adoration you once gave me. Blame it on the addict, No can’t do that because in your wisdom you have shown me the truth that there is not an addiction but a coping mechanism created within me over the years that has created a habitual compulsive behavior. Can this be cured? Yes I believe it can, you are correct in your “drinking the water” phrase. The more I think of the 12 step method , the more I see the cyclic dimension of demoralizing a person to believe they are not worthy of a normal lifestyle and must admit that they are not strong enough to continue in life with out their help. I thank you for pointing that out to me.
I will honor what ever decision is made for our future, I can not continue to torture you with my bad decisions.
Lets talk tonight
I think I understand where Catherine is coming from and how we are all at different points in the process. With new discoveries of the SA – it is a lot to process and it is almsot impossible to think there is no possible good outcome other than divorce. (At least in the beginning) I can understand how someone years into this sees a different picture and has a clearer understanding.
I felt like I was punched in the stomach when I created my post of Afraid to stay too long. I guess I still have a pair of rose colored glasses on and it forced me to take them off. I appreciated the comment…
“You will only stay long enough for it to be crystal clear that it’s time to end things, there’s no hope left and you’ll move on.
That’s everybody’s timetable. We stay until its time to go.
I printed this and I carry it in my purse and I read it over often.
What makes me the most angry is that they are given a “Get out of jail free card”. No matter what these bastards chose to do for the rest of their days can now be excused by their therapists, their 12 stepper buddies, their family, thier sponsor, and ultimately society. This label is the armor they wear – proudly I might add. This label makes me sick and I don’t buy it. It’s a choice – it just is.
With anger there is strength. With anger there are decisions made. They cannot handle the anger because the recovery model focuses on what good people they really are, you know down deep (yeah right!). When I hear from my SA how his group of 12 steppers are good guys, I lose my mind. I told him sorry anyone who screws a whore and acts out with porn is not a good guy, they’re just not.
My SA made a remark about deserving the anger. I told him he deserved a gun to his head. I told him he certainly didn’t deserve reconciliation. That was my weekend…
Donna,
I just went and got tested too. Mine is claiming only porn at this time. It was humiliating, but it’s done. I made him go and get tested too. Both came back fine, but it just needs to be done. It did take me some time to muster the energy to do it, but I did. I am glad I did.
Donna – Sorry to hear how poorly you have been treated. The discoveries are so painful and it seems when they (SAs) start to do better and begin recovery (or at least say they are), it seems to get harder for us.
I am struggling with the same trust issues. I just want to know…”Are you done lying yet?”. I don’t know what to do myself, but I have decided to send him for a polygraph test.
I have been able to talk very openly over the past week about ending the marriage with him. It’s liberating and yet very terrifying.
Everyone here offers different insight and ideas. Pull from them and create your own path. You will know when you are ready to end it. I am focusing on my need for security right now and trying to put what I need in place. Make sure you put in place what you need. He can’t take care of himself – so don’t expect him to take care of you.
JoAnn,
Good luck with your surgery. You are right, they do deserve to die. After joining this site, I had my STD tests done and made my H do the same. Everything came back ok for both, but the thought of someone you care about being completely wreckless is maddening.
Again good luck and thank you for this site.
I don’t think it was ok either. If he can’t put his big boy pants on and make an adult decision – that’s what he has a therapist for. Let him drop his glasses to the end of his nose and say, “Now do you think that’s a good decision?”
OMG Clearly it’s not! These little boys lack a moral compass and are complete idiots as to what they say to us. It’s just all so ugly and I am so sorry that the wound is re-opened for you. It would be for me too!
I don’t think Step 9’s intent was to contact the whore that participated in the lies and deceit. Again, sorry he’s done this to you, yet again.
I know what you mean. I have felt anger and resentment about my H’s family to – mostly not about what they do, but what they don’t do. I see he was raised in a family that was not engaged and was only concerned about how things looked from the outside looking in.
I get fired up when I hear my H say – D. (his brother) said he loves me and would support me if I were an ax murderer. His other brother T. was offended when I said I have my family, my support system and he said well I thought we were family and we hoped to support both of you. He’s never called, emailed or asked how I am. Great Support System. So what this all boils down to is blood is thicker than water. Period. The End.
My H always felt I never was close to his family and he’s right. I don’t do well in superficial environments where I am required to act and talk in a way that conforms to thier belief system. I prefer to keep it real.
I am sorry that you are experiencing this with his family, but it seems to be wide spread in all of their families. I don’t even think this is limited to SA families.
Catherine,
Great job and I am glad you could be honest. I am also glad to see him squirm about his secret coming out to your son. This is not ok because nobody else knows about it. I am glad he is horrified at the truth. Sucks for him when the shoe’s on the other foot. You have had to deal with so much trauma and reality and now it’s his turn. I can’t wait to hear about your trip and what you gained from it.
The list disturbs me a little because it states to do it with the thought he will want you more. That does not sit will with me. If I could detach to the level of the list… it means to me that it’s over and I have moved on. If that were the case why would I care if he wanted me and why would I even consider staying.
I understand and agree, our difference in our thought patterns from the SA is what makes us whole and not a “monster”. We will all take away important life lessons and at some point take what has been an absolute nightmare that nobody deserves to help us find the peace and happiness we do deserve.
I have been reading about forgiveness and what I’ve come up with is I may need to forgive him one last time, not for him, but for me. Forgiveness is not reconciliation and that is ok. I am trying to find ways to channel positive energy and it’s a freeking struggle every day. I don’t want to carry this anger and resentment with me the rest of my life. It just isn’t in my best interests. This is a process and not an event.
FeelingConflicted – you’re right and that’s why I gave this thing a year, a cutoff date, a timeline, whatever it is – there is an end in sight if I don’t feel differently. I need to know for myself I have made my best effort, I gave it a little time, and then it will just be what it is meant to be. I need to make sure I know (clarity) and nobody can give me that answer but me. The year is not for him, it is for me. As nice as it would be to learn from everyone who has walked in the shoes before me, there are just some things you need to learn the hard way – Sad but true. I have learned a lot from the sisters and am applying what I need to help me get through this. It has been a good resource, but it has also shocked me into reality in a sense.
Mine is begging me, he is telling me he will do anything, he does not want to lose me or his family and has used the term “fight” for our marriage. He tells me whatever I have to say to him, he deserves. He listens to me bitch at him generally 4-5 hours a day (sometimes straight). He is using the word trauma constantly (although his therapist is in the Carnes camp). I’ve asked him to get tested for STDs (he says it’s just porn…we’ll see) – he went two days later. I’ve asked him to take a polygraph test – he scheduled it for May 6th. I’ve asked him for a postnuptial agreement for me to even entertain giving him more time to prove he is in recovery. He has agreed.
When I melted down yesterday and went home from work, he packed up his computer and drove 2 hours home to make sure I was ok. For the first time, I didn’t have to ask or direct to have my needs met. During his times of acting out, he would have NEVER done this. Work always came first, actually his whores on computer screen came first. The truth be known now.
Unfortunately, as of right now…no matter what he says or does makes no difference.
For Now – Love it! Made me laught today. That’s a good thing since I cried all day yesterday and had to leave work before lunch because of my mental melt down!
Tell her. Spare her the details, but tell her. My H disclosed his problem to his parents and all of his siblings. He didn’t do it the right way, but in his feeble attempt to take responsibility, he did it. My mil calls me periodically to check on me and ask how things are going. She is 82 and just doesn’t really get this stuff, but who really does… Everyone responds different, but I think the level of detail you give her will impact her response to you. I found throwing bread crumbs helped instead of the whole loaf at her head. She calls me more than him.
My dad wonders why his father hasn’t lost his mind on him. My dad took my husband out and let loose on him. He held him accountable and didn’t let him off the hook – he has a therapist to do that. I am grateful for my feisty 71 year old dad and his no-nonsense approach to life.
I am pretty open about the situation. I don’t feel I’ve done anything wrong or have anything to hide. I don’t publicize it either. I don’t own the shame and the only thing I am to blame for is marrying the wrong guy!I would buy the horse farm I always wanted.
I would compete in a 3rd level Freestyle competition with my noble steed.
I would enjoy precious time with all of my children.
I would travel to Europe with my kids.
I would vacation on the Ocean – nothing is more relaxing to me than crashing waves.
I would work on how to love again without all of the SA clutter in my mind.
I would find a companion that is smoking hot, honest, intelligent, deep in his thoughts, athletic, energetic, kind and caring.
I would continue my cooking classes.
I would volunteer to help at risk children.I agree you have nothing to be embarrassed about. You did not cause this, do this or deserve this. Don’t carry his shame or guilt. He needs to own his problems, not you!
First – I am so sorry for your discovery and my heart aches with yours. While I am no expert at this and am dealing with my own recent discoveries, I would tend to agree with for-now. That is not the behavior of someone seeking change and trying to save a family. It’s the behavior someone trying to keep you at bay, while he fulfills his sick desires at your family’s expense.
In a time of crisis and pending divorce, I was given 3 suggestions, which were words of wisdom. Get an attorney, get your own bank account and get a good therapist.
Here’s a funny story… When my SA came home from his intensive. I went out with my daughter (who is 21). We went to a club with her boyfriend. It was a 70’s / 80’s dance club. We had a blast. A little wierd being there with my adult daughter who is very pretty.
I noticed some men kind of staring at us. The three of us were dancing. My feeling was gosh these older men looking at young girls is gross. Just then, one of them walked up to me and asked me if he could buy ME (the old one- not feeling so good about herself) a drink. I let him. He was attractive, thin, well dressed and educated ( I found out later).
I had a few drinks with him and danced the night away. It was just dancing. My daughter who knows about her step-father’s problems found this entertaining. She was like Mom you’ve still got it! This man was about 6 years younger than me.
He gave me something my husband took away from me. My confidence. He’ll never know the gift he gave me. It ended there, nothing to it – just a drink, a dance, my confidence and a feel good moment! We all need a feel good moment!
