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Hi BonnieB, thanks for your response.
i totally agree when you say they only eventually admit to as much as they think we know. During a discussion the other day, he told me that he had been honest about the infidelity epsiode, with the female. The problem was tho dickhead, you were honest AFTER i found out and confronted You about it. You dont gain brownie points by denying,denying,denying and then only confessing when confronted with damning evidence!!
i would love to be able to read his sick mind sometime, i really would. Just dont know what kind of kick he gets from it all. And hes a father too.Just dont understand.
Hi BonnieB, thanks for your response.
i totally agree when you say they only eventually admit to as much as they think we know. During a discussion the other day, he told me that he had been honest about the infidelity epsiode, with the female. The problem was tho dickhead, you were honest AFTER i found out and confronted You about it. You dont gain brownie points by denying,denying,denying and then only confessing when confronted with damning evidence!!
i would love to be able to read his sick mind sometime, i really would. Just dont know what kind of kick he gets from it all. And hes a father too.Just dont understand.
Yes Diane….thats exactly what ive been doing isnt it, pushing back the line of tolerance. Hes just taking the piss out of me.
I needed to hear all of these comments guys. They really are a godsend in keeping me focused on what can be the only outcome really.
Yes Liza, i kinda got that you and bev were saying the same things….but differently lol…either way, youre both making me smile for the first time since the the latest discovery. Wow. If at any point i return saying, oh but he says he loves me, he doesnt like guys, he wants a family…please feel free to virtually beat me around the head!!
I love you all. There is no way i could share this with my friends in real life. Im just wondering, when the split happens, how do i explain it? Friends are going to ask? its going to be as embarassing for me as it is him for me to say that i found out he was f&&king about with guys?
Bev, youve put it so beautifully “he is a lying
coward piece of shit” I guess ive known this for a long time.Youre all correct.
I just feel weird at the mo. On one hand i feel strong enough to end this, with all the evidence, surely were done talking. i have all the answers i need.On the other…well,i feel numb.
Are there any decent men out there? Are there. If this end up in divorce, which is 99.9999 percent likely, am i destined for a life alone?? Do all men thinks with their penis?? Did i turn him gay/bi?? we werent having sex for a while because sex with him felt a bit detatched. Mechanical. Ahh…new day tomorrow….
Yes FN. Theres just so much evidence now, maybe im foolish in thinking that if i show him this, what other choice can he have but to admit. I just want to know for how long hes been doing men behind my back. I deserve to know,it could have been going on for years. Ecerything else hes done in the past,non-sexual stuff, theres solid evidence. With this, i still cant prove that hes actually done anything. I just want to know for my sanity.
What a mess.
Hes been telling me he loves me,all he wants is his family and that he doesnt want to lie aymore, And now i find this.
lisak your post has made me laugh so much!I love straight talking and honesty.Two aspects my h has not heard of unfortunately!
I see a dad on the school run,hes married too so of course,out of bounds.
Hes not the kind of guy who would generally catch my eye.But when he smiles at me,i feel a bit giddy,theres something about him..I mostly try to avoid him sometimes in case he picks up on my pathetic desperation.
Ditto Liza re Jos’ post. Im so greateful that everyone has taken the time and effort to respond to me, and you can never have to many responses,…I never tire of recieving feedback and opinions.
Thanks so much for all your comments…id never get this much feedback in “real life” and im feeling stronger with each comment. Im not sure what im going to do with him, I guess ultimately I am in control as to what the outcome is. Initially, and what im hearing a lot here, i think im just going to start focusing on me. try and gain some clairity, fond out who i am. I know it all sounds a bit corny, but the last few years i feel like ive been constantly looking over my shoulder, or trying to second guess him or catch him out and going blue in the face with frustration trying to get him to just tell the goddang truth. God knows how many hours of my life ive wasted doing things like this. It really does cause brain strain!!!
Hi Anniem…im 37…so not in the throes of youth, but still some life in me!! i feel so drained right now,my brain is hurting from all the thinking about it!!. As we speak, were discussing this over text and he wont accept he is a sex addict, and swears that everything that ive found about about him is all there is, no more lies. Ahh. I dont buy a word. I guess in a way, i feel responsible for him – i know that if we split, he will get worse with his behaviour. And what happens then with our child.Do i stop acess?? Guess im just a bit scared of whats going to happen if we split up. And with reference to what feelingconflicted sayd,i guess shes answered my question – just focus on me and not him. Gosh, it should be so simple to just put me first and not him!!
Thankyou you all for your feedback. I atually spoke to him earlier for the first time in over a week,by text as hes away working. I told him that i just felt broken and tired of it all, the obsession with sex, the lies ive uncovered over the years. he has a slight stammer, from childhood, and he has said that hes fed up of the lies, and hes going to get his stammer sorted out as “…thats what started him lying…” So feelingconflicted, you are right. He clearly doesnty recognise why hes lying. i told him the reason he was lying is because hes a liar!! I had the usual it wont happen any more, i dont want to lie.
It makes me so frustrated that he just talks about it as if he can just make the change overnight when his behaviour has been going on years. If a message could be gotten through to someone by shaking them vigourously then he would hear it loud and clear because i really want to shake him right now as hes just not getting it.
Thankyou bev. How do I locate posters, is it just a case of scrolling through? Thankyou Diane. Youre right – he sees it as living life to the fullest as we only live once. I want to leave this man. But weve been together so long. Can he change or am i just living in fruitless hope??
Thankyou JoAnn…i look forward to continuing this journey amongst other woman who share my pain, have felt alone for so long..
Cani add, that although my posts indicate that he has confessed first, he never has. Ive could work for the police as ive been playing detective time and time again with him. i feel like a control freak. alwaystrying to uncover his actions. We have been talking since he went with this older woman, and he has said more about what he likes sexually and that he would like threesomes, even suggesting that i seek them out for us. Hes also confessed that he likes looking at mens penises but has no desire to be physical with one.!
Im not sure where to start. Its such a long way from beginning to end. I guess from the beginning it started off with him being quite obsessed with sex, but i didnt see it as not being normal. I never had much experience with relationships and put it down to me being a prude. Hes always been a bit of a liar too.
Anyway to cut it short, theres been so many incidents, letters hes sent to me while working away,littered with sexual references as to what he wants to do with my body parts, kinda read like a porn script. More recently , while away with the army again, the letters got more graphic, again, body parts being ejaculated upon, threesomes, orgies suggested, same sex activity on his side.
Anyway, sex kinda went downhill the past couple of yuears. We had a chilc (whos 7 now) and his obsession seemed to just take over. heavy porn user, sexual remarks.
and the biggy, last year i discovered he had advertised on a gay dating site. he denied meeting anyone, however, he had on his phone a call recorder, which i checked and found that hed called someone hed got a reply too, and asked if the guy had liked his picture. The guy wasnt interested.
When i confronted him, i got the usual denial, then black expression, then the offer of explanation, in this case was, he just wanted some affection,some positive feedback and that he wasny gay . (how could he be gay…he likes women…altho he has no confidence,even though on the surface he is quite arrogant,he would never approach a woman.
that was a year ago. hes working away again, in which time, hes had a drunken fumble with a much older woman (he said ,after deniying it,which i exposed through emails theyd sentshe got him drunk and followed him when he went to be sick, ended up giving her some lip service…)…couple of days later, i find that hes been advertising again, about 6 months previous looking for sex (his words) for both men and women.
I know what this all sounds like. I know what to do. I just want reassurance i guess. That there is no hope. I want to love him. i want things to be better. But how can they. Is he gay? Is he bi?
Im sorry for the ramble, but my head is kind of everywhere. he works away a few months at a time, so hes hardly here either.
