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Sisters…as a newbie making my way slowly through all of the forums I want to say a big THANK YOU, especially to Victoria, for making me laugh out loud for ten minutes at work today. This post was hilarious!
Hello all…can someone please explain to me what EMDR is and what the acronym stands for? I have not cried either just too angry still just thinking he is a dense moron and severely immature.
I love reading all of your stories and realize how many similiar patterns there are…so uncanny. Fake recovery would definitely be it for me but so far no proof. He also is considered a pillar of the community which of course I think is a crock of you know what now. I have only known him for 12 years (married for eight) but he has been doing this since early in his first marriage so it is definitely inconceivable that it should be so easy. But yes they are masters of manipulation and deception. I wonder if I should buy a gps or something because he still likes alot of time for himself? I do want to think the best but the whole thing is a nightmare. I am married to a Dexter.
Just curious because I am a newbie but is there any statistics or anything that relates to when an SA hits rock bottom and is willing to get help finally? I keep on thinking about some of the things my husband said when he got caught…I am too old, nobody wanted me blah blah blah so maybe when they are older and more out of shape they decide to come clean and try to be sober because there is less action unless he is willing pay for it?? Just curious.
This ties in with what I have been thinking about today. Even if the acting out stops…how do you influence the basic personality? I stopped by my husbands office this morning. I have not been there since D-Day in January and his retirement from the Army about three weeks later. He made himself a “wall of me” where he put many Army momentos, pictures of himself, his bronze star and other achievement awards, coins etc. Out of the hundred or so items on his credenza, wall, and desk there was NOT ONE picture of family, not even of his children. That was very telling about what he considers important…himself obviously. So how do you imfluence that complete narcissism and me me me attitude which I think is a common attribute for SAs?? His excuse BTW…not enough time (but was able to perfectly align everything else including his 100 or so coins lol).
Thanks again all for the advice and support. I truly wish I had a crystal ball and could predict the future so I do not stay any longer in this marriage if my husband cannot stay sober. I am surprised by how “easy” it appears for him just because I now know the truth and he is in therapy? I do however know two things…I will be much more vigilant about seeking the truth in the near future and paying attention to my feelings and gut, and I will prepare myself for leaving if that ends up being the reality by saving money. I will give it a year and see how it goes.
I can relate to several red flags already discussed by Jo and Meg…sex was very clinical and although physically good was devoid of emotion and always left me feeling very lonely. Also had those gut feelings that something was very off but could not put my finger on what it was. I used to call it the “feeling of dread” but he would never admit to anything and I always thought the distance between us was due to him reacting to work, kids, or other issues. After discovery he did admit those feelings were right on most of the time. He also was extremely too touchy feely with other females and would make off beat sex jokes in front of friends that would make me uncomfortable. I also sensed a feeling of “sex” in the air when he would come home sometimes…very hard to describe but would happen frequently when he came home from extended travel.
Other red flags…total unaccountability when gone he would blame on his “too busy” schedule and no access to phone or credit card records. Also hot and cold too much of the time…I think to give him justification for his actions. I think I always knew that he was screwing around but was in denial because I had no proof and was not pursuing the truth.OMG this is funny and scary. Since D-Day a few months ago my (mostly bald) husband has grown a goatee, bought a motorcycle, joined a gym to get into shape, and found God. What does this really mean lol???
Thanks for the advice…I will eventually do what I think is right and the husband probably does know something is off (like I did for years) but cannot put his finger on it.
I wanted to ask you jomard how you discovered he was never in sobriety and what you are going to do now? I guess I do not want to “waste” any more years worrying about this if possible. Not sure if I am ready to leave yet but am definitely praying for guidance and appreciate once again the support.Thank you all so much for the warm welcome. I have spent most of my time since joining the site just reading many of the forum posts and articles. It is both scary as well as reassuring how similar our stories and are SA’s are and I truly appreciate the wisdom and support found here. My SA husband was in the military and was gone on frequent travel, training, and deployments so definitely utilized his profession as an easy excuse to feed his addiction. I did not catch him cheating until he retired in January and was on terminal leave (and leaving his computer open to his porn sites and Craig’s list ads). When he received the Bronze Star I almost lost it because he really did show any of the Army values especially integrity! Anyway, I do have two specific questions and would like your advice…the first is how can you trust that they are really trying to recover and not continuing to cheat and lie? (he is going to 12 step meetings and sex addiction therapy but obviously is a master at deception). The other is that one of his affair partners was a married friend of mine. I have not had contact with her since D-Day based on the advice of my therapist but am struggling with the dilemma of whether or not to tell her husband. He has been seeing her on and off since 2007 and they were writing each other and stating that they loved each other while he was on deployment (although he was also seeing prostitutes and going to massage parlors at the same time). I know I wish someone would have clued me in six years ago if possible. What is the right thing to do?
Thanks for the support!
