[sharron]

Thanks for all of your replies. I just finsished sending the final 250 flyers out today, so hope all this effort will have at least one show up to the first group meeting. All it takes is one.
You guys are all so sweet. Hope to be back and chat with all of you in a couple of days. Wow this takes a lot of time and energy. JoAnn is superwoman!
Kimberley – yes, we need to talk and catch up. Hope you are feeling okay now.

[sharron]

JoAnn – I am just now on the site and read your post. I am so sorry this is happening to you. I am sure you are stressed to the max. My prayers and thoughts are with you – as always!
Love ya,
Sharron

[sharron]

I agree with Bev – I think with all of the turmoil going on, and denial that her father is what he is can very confusing to a teenage girl. I think as she grows older it will be apparent to her who the good guy is in all of this, and it will not be your ex.
I remember, as a teenager, all the family tried to tell me my Dad was horrible and I should not see him-even threatened to cut me out of the family will. The independent kid I was
I told them I didn’t care about money and saw him anyway.
It didn’t take long for me to see through him myself. Still glad I told my mom and grandmother to take a hike. My mom didn’t see me for 10 yrs., but she finally came around.

[sharron]

I don’t think there is an SA alive who is really in recovery. They lie to their Therapist’s, wives, family, and kids. It is a mask they wear and they wear it very well. Sometimes it is really hard to discern whether they are in “real” recovery”. They profess to” never do it again, I will recover, or I won’t hurt you anymore.” I do agree with Dr. Phil’s philosophy that past behavior predicts future behavior, and the SA eventually will screw up, or you will have a gut feeling and check it out. If you really watch for body language, deflecting, inconsistencies in stories, etc., it soon becomes apparent the mf has duped you again, and they get better at lying each time they are caught. A hard pill to swallow – it was done to me. But, that is when it is time to leave. After the game was played over and over I finally got sick of it, and somewhere in the process love went out the window and I just didn’t care anymore. Not that it doesn’t hurt-it takes times to heal, but if you do decide to leave be thankful you are away from these monsters.

[sharron]

Wow – there are a lot of things to be taken into consideration.
Your h is such a f

---

asshole. I am so sorry for you. It is just too bad you have to take him to court to have his happy little ass thrown in jail. I am so sorry, but I am really angered by this loser. Maybe if there is no hope of getting what you deserve, you can have him eliminated. Just kidding! We all have suffered so much by the hand of these SA’s there just has to be a hell.
I am thinking about you and you are in my thoughts and prayers.

[sharron]

Yes, he can make me a beneficiary without remarrying him, but my attorney says it is much more substantial and binding if we are. He has 5 kids, and they could contest it and say we weren’t married when it was instituted and he was out of his mind. (Which he is). Secondy, I can now receive part of his pension monthly which really helps out on the finances. Thirdly, wives have certain rights when married in the state of Kansas in which a husband has to adhere to – support me. I will not take advantage of it, but if I have an emergency. need clothes, etc. he has to help me. Fourthly, The post-nump we had enforced will now be turned into a pre-nump with all the benefits it had previously. (I covered my ass). He will continue to pay me alimony, pay my car off, pay Long Term Care Insurance, and Dental and vision for life. He will do this per his choice while we are married. If for some crazy reason he decides to divorce me everything is still in effect. This all seems much more reasonable to me. fourthly, it benefits both of us with taxes. A lot of Seniors stay married for financial reasons and tax deductions. JoAnn seemed to think it is okay as long as I can stay detached. I can’t began to tell you how detached I am!!
If you have any more questions or concerns fire away. I know you are just asking because you care.

[sharron]

Monique – I know when I was going through all the emotions you are experiencing right now, I always reached out to my sister’s here on s.o.s. I think it will help to come often and vent to your hearts desire. We are all here for you.
I vented all the time, and sometimes felt everyone was getting sick of it, because I was on the fence and couldn’t make up my mind, but everyone me, stayed with me and they never let go with love and support. Eventually, I worked through it. I think Joann and the girl’s were more helpful than any counseling I would have received. Your are experiencing an array of emotions that go from one extreme to another-perfectly normal! Try to take care of yourself-#1. You are the most important right now, so be good to yourself.
My thoughts and prayers are with you.
We are all here for you anytime day or night.

[sharron]

If it is court ordered support, don’t they put these guys in jail for non payment? Is the payment supposed to come directly to you? If so, the court system does not look kindly on guys to do not pay.
I do agree that he playing with your mind with manipulation. His letter reeks with it.
Take care of yourself and ignore the letter.
I am not up on where everyone is with these mad men, so if I make a comment from being out of the loop please let me know.

[sharron]

Zumbagirl- yes, we have been together on the site for a long time. I cannot believe the abuse your h is putting you through. I know in Kansas whomever files can insist the other vacate the house. Don’t know what it is like where you live. Most judges do not tolerate this kind of behavior when you are mentally and physically put in jeopardy. I would have your attorney go before the judge for an emergency order to kick his ass to the curb. I may not be up on your story, but why does he get to stay? Go for it girl ,and I will gladly do a shift. Let me know.
Prayers and thoughts are with you.

[sharron]

I forgot to tell you all that I am re-marrying Steve. He decided to make me the primary beneficiary of his estate, and I will also start receiving a monthly spousal allotment from his Railroad Retirement fund when he worked as a DBA many years ago.
I was blown away by his decision since he knows we will both maintain separate residences with no hope of ever reconciling, and that I am not in love with him anymore, so who knows what goes through his mind. (Maybe guilt?).
I am not interested in finding anyone else at age 71. Most of the men out there at this age come with too much baggage, and I don’t have the energy to go through the dating process and weed through all the weirdo’s (Probably more sex addicts. So, I really have the best of both worlds – financial security for the rest of my life while both of us living separately. JoAnn brought up that I need to be sure I can remain detached from him. NO problem there! He can just stay in his own little world of fantasy and addiction and it runs off like water on a ducks back. I feel like this is a good place for me to be.
Again, I really appreciate all the support you have given while
I have been going through all of my cancer stuff. My leg is slowly healing, but still some infection. I will remain on antibiotics for a while and have to do saline soaks with a topical antibiotic at the site.
Anyway, I feel totally connected to you all.
Love,
Sharron

[sharron]

Thanks for all the replies everyone. I forgot to add the I am re-marrying Steve for the financial benefits I will receive by doing so. (And they are huge). It will be strictly a marriage of convenience with Steve and I maintaining separate residences. He knows there is no chance of ever reconciling or being together as a couple. It blew my mind that he isl willing to make me primary beneficiary of his estate should he predecease me. Who knows what goes on in his mind. (Maybe guilt?)
Also, being married, I will start getting a pension from his Railroad Retirement benefits where he worked as a DBA many years ago. Also, in the state of Kansas, or any other state I would guess, he is responsible for any other financial needs that might come up for me.
I have no interest in pursuing other relationships and going through weeding through all the misfits out there who are my age. Most men who are out there to find someone at this age come with a lot of baggage (probably more sex addicts) and I don’t have the energy for it anymore. Anyway, this works for me and I can have the best of both worlds – a strong financial future with the ability to live by myself and Steve can continue doing the same – with all of his acting out, I am sure. Who cares!
Again, thanks to you all for the kind words and support while I have had all this medical stuff happening. I feel truly connected to you all.

[sharron]

I say go and enjoy the socialization. Make it plain to him that you are not interested in a relationship right now, and see how he responds. If he is out for more than you are ready for then I am sure he will slowly fade away.
Go and enjoy the fun.

[sharron]

After reading answers to your post, sounds like you are already in the court system for this. You are very brave. I agree with Victoria – If your Therapist is not doing any of the things she listed, I would find a new one. Good ones are hard to find, but it doesn’t sound this one is helping you with any kind of coping mechanisms.
My prayers are certainly with you.

[sharron]

Hi Alicemarie- I am so sorry for what you are going through, and I can certainly empathize with the traumatic feelings of replaying old memories. You are definitely suffering from ptsd, and this man is not worth the physical and mental suffering you are going through.
I don’t know your story, but am wondering why you are still mothering this man. I wasguilty of doing the same thing for
2 1/2 years, but I finally got to the point to whether it was me or my ex. From my own experience, the only way I got rid of the ptsd was get rid of my SA husband.
I don’t know where you are in the discovery period. If you just recently found out, just get away from him for awhile to clear your head. If you have known for a long time, the only way to heal is take care of #1 and permanently get away from your h. Please don’t hold on to trying to change him-It simply won’t work and from reading your post it is already causing you so much trauma that you are unable to function. So, honey take a break and wash this man right out of your hair.
Hugs,
Sharron

[sharron]

Thank you all for the warm welcome backs.
The first thing that hit me right in the face, when I first logged in, is that I have to get rid of my picture on here-It is a 2010 wedding pictures. Ick! I will have to have my granddaughter snap one of me so I can post something different.
Also, thank you all for the thoughts prayers and concerns over my medical problems. Maybe it was all of the energy from my sister’s, but I went to the Dr. today and my leg is showing improvement. The redness has decreased somewhat and the swelling is a little better. Interestingly enough, the culture for MRSA came back negative. Why in the hell did he give me Vanco and do a nasal swab for the bacteria. He said before that he thought it was MRSA. JoAnn – Any ideas? He scared the shit out of me, because it is a very EVIL bacteria. The culture from the wound on my leg also came back negative. YEA! So, long story short, I have a nasty bacteria – who knows what- and now the antibiotic by mouth seems to be working. It will be a slow healing, as this crater in my leg of course has to heal from the inside out. The graft took this time, too. All in all I feel very blessed for the outcome.
Liza – your comment cracked me up with your post. I have, in my fantasies, thought about hiring a 650# woman to knock at his door and just stomp the shit out of him. What a way to go. Ha!

[sharron]

I would be interested in also knowing if Minwalla believes in total success stories, or just status quo. My opinion is it would be status quo. Even if your h’s are able to learn to “manage” their addiction, (and I use the word manage-not recovery) there is always the chance of relapse just as there is in alcoholism or any other addiction. I think the spouse has to always be aware of that, and if they can live always waiting for the next ball to drop then that is what is right for them.
I do think having a personality disorder definitely complicates things and makes recovery or managing the addiction even more complicated and years involved of therapy.
lynng2-My Ex h also beat the polygraph. I married him based on the results. If they don’t feel guilty about what they are doing, or believe their own lies, they can pass with flying colors. Scary, huh?

[sharron]

I was separated from my Ex three times, separated for the 3rd time a year ago April, and divorced last October 31st.
The divorce was so traumatic for my Ex, (He never really believed I would go through with it) that he is now throwing himself 100% into recovery.
As you all know, from my previous posts, that Steve asked me to help him understand BPD, Masochism, and why he has the sexual addiction. Mistakenly, I did allow myself to help him, on occasion, to try and work through some of his issues.
By doing this, it just reinforced all the reasons I divorced him. So, one good thing happened. Steve is totally sincere in wanting to recover, he is doing everything he is supposed to be doing, (As far as I know) and yet he cannot control his compulsions of fantasies, acting out and triggering. It would take a life-time for him to change his brain.
The bad thing is it would not matter if he were to recover. There is too much water over the dam. The emotional trauma was too much, and the thought of always living on the edge of wondering if and when he will relapse, would never be a chance I would want to take. He is too emotionally damaged, and with all the effort in the world he will always be what he is. Sad for him, but I have found so much peace and tranquility in my life I could never think of going back to where I was.
I am convinced 99% that once an addict always and addict, and those few who do learn to manage the addiction will always have issues. I hope those of you that sometimes doubt your decision please understand that even in the best of circumstances, their brain is hard-wired towards addiction.
Those of you who left, made the right decision. Take it from one who knows and who has been there.
Hugs

[sharron]

JoAnn-This is my first time on the site for a few weeks. I am so sorry to hear what you have been going through, but in a way I am happy that it finally came to an end. After the dust settles, you can live your life to the fullest, and I hope you take full advantage of that. A leopard never changes it’s spots. Steve is still fantasizing about 650# women and Elephant crushing. I thank God every day that I got away from him. You deserve so much happiness, and now you can finally find it. I am just happy you are safe!
My thoughts and prayers are with you.
Love to you, Sharron

[sharron]

Zumbagirl- so glad to see you pop in once in awhile. I wondered what happened to you, and where you are in all of this addiction stuff. Are you filing?
I am not consistent about posting either, because addiction is not on my mind very much anymore. But, then I miss my sister’s and just have the need to keep in contact with everyone who helped me so much through all of this, and sometimes just can’t help but answer some posts to those who are struggling so much.
You were instrumental in helping me too, and I always valued your opinion. Keep popping back in.
Hugs,
Sharron

[sharron]

Feeling conflicted- It is sad when an SA wants to change and we know they just can’t. I think it makes it more difficult when that happens, because it really tugs at our hearts. You are right – your h doesn’t understand the full depth of his addiction, and probably never will. I heard over and over how my ex was going to beat this, but here he is no further down the road than when I met him – maybe a few cosmetic changes. The important thing is what YOU take out of this- to separate and detach from his life. It isn’t easy, but when I realized the pain wasn’t worth the gain I knew it was time.
harmony1- You will get there too. Sometimes it just takes awhile , and we have to get there in our own time. As I read posts now, I am so proud of all the sister’s and their ability to gain such insight in a much shorter period of time than I did. I was the worst of worst!! Just ask JoAnn. I really think she and the sister’s had about given up on me.
But it is amazing – just one day you wake up and think, “what the hell am I doing?” I was smoking heavily, depressed every day, and drinking more Vodka tonics in 2 yrs. than I did in a lifetime. That’s when the light bulb comes on and you realize how toxic the marriage is, and how if you stay they will most likely take you down with them. So, if I can get it, anyone can. I was in constant denial, holding onto the very slim hope of change, and was totally hooked on fixing him. Oh ya – now, how dysfunctional is that!!
Hugs to you both

[sharron]

Hugs to you Trish, and bravo for your courage. It is so difficult to sit down and put it all on paper – The reality all sets in. It is a very stressful time for you, and my heart goes out to you.
I know when I divorced my h of 28 yrs., and the father of my boys, my first thought was it was all worth it just to have my wonderful kids. I really feel, l when I look back in retrospect, it was my boys that got me through the whole mess and gave me my purpose to heal and move on.
You are a great mom and a wonderful woman. Hang in there. You know we are all here for you.
Love,
Sharron

[sharron]

Gail – You are new to me, but glad you are here, and so sad you are having to deal with all of this.
I think religion can sometimes not only be an addiction for an SA, as well, but the perfect place to be a wolf in sheep’s clothing. I think we would be surprised at how many men hide behind the cloth for a cover and carry on – all in the name of God.
Good luck to you, and I am glad you have the support of the Senior Pastor’s.
Sharron

[sharron]

Thanks Teri – It is interesting that Steve still calls, and then on top of it reveals ALL! He sure as hell lied about everything in the past. I think SA’s are very dependent – he has no friends or confidant’s, so guess he feels a need to purge his soul. I think in his own delusional world he probably has hopes of a reconciliation – even a few years down the road. I have made it very plain to him that I can never go back to him, and I try and be realistic in telling him he will always struggle with addiction and staying with him is not an option for me. He verbalizes he understands, but I doubt he has the ability to process that yet.
He goes in spurts. Sometimes, I do not hear from him for a month or so, and then boom – a phone call. I try to look at him as if he were anyone reaching out for someone to listen.
(Just like I do with the crazy’s I am assigned to in my Stephen Ministry, and I have some dandies!).
As I said, he no longer impacts me on an emotional level, nor do I have any feelings left for him. I do have empathy for him, like I would anyone else, because he wants to change so desparately, and he will never be able to accomplish that goal. SAD.
His Therapist even gave up on him. He went from having him avoiding all situations where he might trigger (until he got his addiction to the point where he can manage it) to telling him to basically expose himself to every situation in life. I think he feels there is no hope, so he may as well live life in as normal of a way as he can. Only speculating, but I certainly cannot disagree with him.
SO, because I am no longer emeshed in hopes of him getting well, and no longer have any feelings involved I don’t see any harm in lending an ear to him on occasion as long as he has full understanding there is no hope for us EVER! I think eventually he will move along to his next victim, because SA’s have to have somebody and often replace us fairly quickly.
His 650# women d/s porn and Elephant stomping porn literally makes me want to throw up. It is really difficult to wrap my mind around the fact that these men can be SO sick. In my mind, I think Just stop it! Unfortunately, they can’t.
Good to hear from you. This ended up longer than I intended, but I always have hope for the new gals on here to give up on an impossible situation. At the same time, I always hope there might be just one SA who turns their life around.
Hugs,
Sharron

[sharron]

Thanks Karen – BBW means Big Beautiful Women porn. Just another twisted mind “F”.

[sharron]

Hi guys – just reading your posts. Kandice, you are so right. If you stay, you will lose yourself in the toxic relationship – I almost did! Stay strong and follow through. When the divorce is final and you are removed from all the pain and drama, you will feel “alive again.” It takes a while to grieve and process it all, but there is a silver- lining after life with an SA.
In reading some others regarding religion, counseling, etc. Steve goes to church every Sunday, and prays daily thinking God will deliver him from his addiction. So misguided! I also believe counseling for an SA is counterproductive after they have gained all the insight needed to make a conscious decision to stop, and if they have a personality disorder, which the majority do, the counseling will go on for years and years. Not worth the sacrifice we, as spouses, have to make. In the end, they still talk the talk, but don’t walk the walk. Sad, but true.
Love ya all.

[Author]

Posts