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My Wingnut lists his KIK id on his unlocked public/work twitter profile. If you know what his KIK username is google it. That’s how I found his dating profile on Badoo.com
My husband the firefighter/marine was having sex with other men also. I was certain and was told by lawyers “he’ll roll over, he’ll never let this get out”. They were wrong. He did all the “I’m sorry’s” He told me I could have the kids, the house, that the kids and I deserved better than a monster. Fast forward 1 year and I have borrowed close to $12,000 to fight him for custody. Our courts are so backed up that we got a 15 minute hearing to decide temporary support and visitation but our real court date isn’t until October 2014. You are being so smart financially. Keep doing that. I really screwed up there. I was told it would be over soon. And my squirreled away funds are gone. Plan for a long long battle just in case. If it doesn’t happen go to Disney World. And as to the male dominated work force…mine started seeing “passable gurls” (transexuals) on his commute so the guys wouldn’t know. I still don’t believe their reality covers everyone finding out. They literally have to be sitting in handcuffs to have an a-ha moment. Mine still believes I will never let this go to court. Or that I will run out of money to get us there. Squirrel away more than you think you will need and don’t put it in a bank account in your name. You have to disclose all that. I just found out the money my parents gave me to buy Christmas presents is considered income and will be factored in in court.
Monique, Last year all I could muster was nestle tollhouse. That was 3 months after confrontation/move out day. This year I had my third batch of dough made when my 6 year old said “Mommy why do we need so many cookies?” Ha. I don’t know. I had no good answer and it kind of calmed me down a bit. This year we tried some new traditions. Silly stuff like getting chicken fingers and riding around the neighborhood listening to carols and looking at Christmas lights. He’d have hated that cause eating in the car was a no no. Comfort may come in something different for you now. Hugs. Merry Christmas.
Oh Bev, let my screw ups be a learning lesson for all. I had a bad lawyer. I now have a bulldog. My last lawyer told me that we had to pick our battles. That if we didn’t give him somewhere to take the kids it would look like we are “keeping the kids from their father”. My new lawyer upon hearing this, told me to be prepared to be chastised by the judge for not making this known because we are going to fight all the battles on our next day in court.
I’m going to take your advice and put in a movie for some background noise.Thank you all for the kind words. I am bumping around the house in a kind of daze. It always makes me think of Teri and Dr E. What is wrong with these guys that they take children who clearly don’t want to be with them? He never even called them the entire week of Thanksgiving. (for which I am grateful but still?) I’m told that he only takes them because of the power over me that it holds, and that he likes a fight and I’m fighting him on this.
Bev, his mom is the queen mother of enabling. Her other two sons (who live there) take and deal drugs. I refer to it as the Monster factory. I think they are safer there than alone with him? It’s a piss poor silver lining. Safety in numbers? of crazy people? Bev I often wish I had stayed for the kid’s sake. These days I feel like I jumped into the lifeboat and left them behind. I thought they would be right there with me.Bev, You are such an inspiration to me. Every time I read something you’ve written, even when you are saying you feel weak or embarrassed or worried, somehow I see strength in your words. It comes through. I wish I was as strong as you. I’m struggling for the right words today but I wanted to say thank you for being so brave.
Merry Christmas JoAnn. Thank you for for the gift you have given us all. I wish you peace and love and healing…you and all this sisters. Thank you for this safe place to come and feel the things I need to feel if I’m ever to get through them. Merry Christmas.
Love letters, flowers for no reason (now I know the reason) foot massages. These guys make me so mad. How will I ever tell a real good guy when these jerks were so convincingly good guys? Raise your hand if you married “the guy who would never cheat” Mine even stayed overnight on the hospital chairs when I had my c sections. Sadly I now know that it was because by having his mom come and stay with the baby at home he was free to “just go get some air” now and then. (air=BJ) Every memory I have is tinged with the knowledge of what was really going on.
I think that it’s really understandable to want to believe them. When I finally pulled the plug on my SA and told him to get out he also “had anxiety attacks” and claims he passed out at work. I was so fortunate that I still had access to his email at the time. At the exact time he was messaging me about an anxiety attack he was emailing a new BDSM group and telling them how excited he was about starting this new adventure with them. He put on a really convincing show in person and by text. I was telling him breathe breathe. It was all an act. They are frighteningly good at acting like humans.
These guys are such cowards, it’s infuriating.
Cuyahoga County Prosecutor Tim McGinty said in a statement Wednesday: “This man couldn’t take, for even a month, a small portion of what he had dished out for more than a decade.”
I’m glad he’s dead.Bev I had the eeriest thought when you mentioned getting Oprah interested. She could fill her audience with us. Women who have been victimized by these men. Let the world see all the women, all ages, races, ethnicity etc. It’s chilling. There has to be something we can do. I know it’s normal during any kind of tragedy to try and make sense or find the purpose in it…but I can’t shake the feeling that we need to do something with this information…make a difference in some way.
Thank you all. Bev and Diane I feel like they should look different so we don’t confuse them with the man we thought we married. I am up in NJ with family. Had called to say goodnight to the kids and found myself saying I’ll be there when you wake up. So I got here at 1am and glad I did. Got a sappy email from Mr I’m tempted to post. Also got a text from him today giving up his first Saturday visitation. I guess he had plans. I can only hope this becomes the norm.
Thank you Desiree for such a wonderful post. It is so full of hope. I can’t tell you how much it means to hear that this will pass and life will begin again. I wish only the best for you on your travels.
I’m back. It’s done. Thank you all for prayers and I really did pace around in the parking lot muttering “the sisters are all with me today”. Perhaps I should limit public muttering and pacing but it helped.
So here’s how it went. Thank you FC for being on the phone with me this morning as I was losing my mind.
I am told today was a win. I’m still kind of numb and my lawyer has warned me to be vigilant as some wingnuts go off the deep end after losing like this. I can’t tell you how awful it was just being in a courtroom with someone I married as my adversary. That alone was soul crushing. How did we get here?
I was awarded alimony and child support (keep in mind this is all temporary to tide over until the actual hearing) He has to keep me on his insurance until the hearing which was a relief. The biggest relief was that there are no overnights until the hearing. He will have visitation 2 nights during the week from 4-6:30 and one weekend day every weekend. He has to give me 24hours notice if he wants visitation. (He was giving me an hour notice via text “i’m on the way to the house”) The biggest moment came after his lawyer had berated me for “letting the mortgage payment fall behind” when Mr has not been giving me enough money to pay it. Moments later I saw on Mr’s expense worksheet that he had written in a car payment…I shoved a piece of paper at my lawyer that said “HE BOUGHT A CAR!!”. My lawyer questioned him and sure enough. He bought a car this week with his children’s home in danger of foreclosure. Is there any limit for these guys?? I gasped audibly, loudly. His lawyer had just argued that there “simply isn’t enough money”. I am so glad today is over. I know we won but I don’t feel it right now. I’m pretty numb at best. Thank you all. I could not make this journey alone.Sunny,
I’m so sorry you are going through this. As Teri said “if there were any justice” but we could do an entire post where we finish that sentence. Thank goodness they are at an age where they are not as susceptible to his behavior. Just the thought of having to send children with emergency money. We shouldn’t even have to think that way.Trish, I hope that the answers you receive will give you what you need. I’m glad that you have a place to go afterward to recover and heal. I will be thinking of you and saying a prayer.
My apologies I worded that wrong. I meant you can’t look at the movie without clearly seeing it was a case of abuse. Im sorry my head is not so good today.
Has anybody watched the movie. It’s an old black and white with Ingrid Bergman. I just caught it on TMC and wow. The things he said and did while extreme…well actually they weren’t all that extreme. And at the very end he said almost verbatim what my stbx said to me..it’s the “if you ever loved me” speech we’ve probably all heard. The thing that really hit home for me in a helpful way was that you can’t look at this movie and clearly see that it was abuse. He never hit her or really even yelled, he certainly didn’t curse at her (they never do in old movies) but it really clarifies that there are other ways to abuse someone.
So glad Phantom is back. They are never well without the people they love best in the world. I once had to leave my Jake overnight at the vet. They called me and said please come take him home he won’t let us take him out of the crate and he just shakes. They said it would be more beneficial for him to be with me watching him than at the animal hospital.(and this was a wonderful loving hospital) Phantom missed you and now that he is home he feels safe enough to relax and sleep…but if it turns out to be something else…I’m in on the posse.
That’s a great letter. We tiptoe around so much in fear of getting them angry before we can get documents signed. Our family does not have to abide by that, oh to have that kind of freedom. I love it. Kudos to your Dad for calling him out to grow up and act like a man.
Lisa you are wonderful. I swear it is a test to simply say these things in our heads and not out loud. Sometimes I think my lips must be moving at the very least. You have my admiration for not taking the bait on that one. Though if he does disappear maybe he can take the rest of them with him…
Thank you all so much. I just kept putting one foot in front of the other most days. It was so hard (silly understatement) Last year when I went to receive a scholarship at a dinner, he was with me…Mr. Charming and Supportive to all my professors. That was a week before what I call pre-DDay.(May 2012)
A week ago I went to the same dinner (one year later), received an incredible award, met amazing people, and then cried all the way home because my journey had changed so much. It had started as our journey, a new life for us once the kids were off to school. And I was so sad. So full of despair that I very nearly called him (thank God my sister answered when I dialed her instead)
This weekend he asked to come to graduation “because your happiness is important to me” I told him no way. I told him this day is about my achievement now.Happy Mother’s Day to all the sisters. Bev, I totally understand and feel for you. Be kind to yourself and remember to use the same kind words that you would use if talking to a friend. It sounds corny but it might just help. The holidays are all a little bittersweet these days, but we are strong women and if ever kids needed strength it is when one of their parents lacks…well… everything. I’d drink a toast to us as moms any day.
Oh my God Teri I thought the same thing. His mom had three sons and he was the good one. She would brag to everyone about him being the only good one. He used to say he turned out ok (the others are drug addicts/dealers) because he got out so early by joining the Marines when he was 17, he “got away from that woman in time”. Well on DDay he said he has been acting out since he was 17, so there goes that. Note to self, watch family of significant other closely for bad behavior and never again believe the “i’m the good one” excuse. Courtney that’s just incredible how the whole family justifies lying. Imagine a whole room full of people lying the way SA’s do. It makes my head spin.
I agree with LynnG , Since it is a relationship and not obligatory I would tell her as much as you need to to get your point across. The ripple effect is crap. I hate my SA as much or more for what he’s done to my family and kids. My father who is in his 70’s thought of him as a son. (my brother passed away 20 years ago) Now my father wants him dead. But he’s not all wishy washy sad about it as I feared. It’s more like “I dare him to knock on the door when I’m visiting” And what’s funnier is my SA won’t even call the house when my elderly father’s in town. Sometimes I tell him my dad’s in town when he isn’t lol.
A MIL is harder because it’s his mom, but I wouldn’t underestimate her. Keeping her head in the sand may have been her way of coping with a rough life that she felt she couldn’t escape. It doesn’t mean she doesn’t or won’t see the truth of what is going on. I think if you don’t say something it’s going to bother you more.