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Deb, so sorry that you feel you have to take morsels. I guess when you’re starving for something, even crumbs will satisfy the hunger. You gals deserve so much better!
My therapist gave me very good advice for my next relationship…go back to him ONLY if you want to. Not because, he is handsome, you feel sorry for him, etc. Go back only if you want to, knowing he is who he is and the situation is, what it is.
My late boyfriend was good enough to protect me from what he had when I was too naive to protect myself, that’s why I want my sisters to know what they are up against. Perhaps some of the SA’s are not decent enough to protect you, so you have to do it yourself. I AM very lucky he had a conscience. Please, please protect yourselves.
lisacay is right, please protect yourself. They may look clean, they can charm your pants off (literally), but you don’t know what they have and aren’t telling you. Been there, done that. Please, please, protect yourselfs sisters, because you can never tell.
Lynn, my thoughts are with you, seems like the mental beating never ends with this dude. Is there a way you sign up with a temporary agency? Even if they have you doing office work, it will earn you a little extra cash. I remember signing up with one when I first graduated from college and couldn’t have a full time job. The pay was fairly decent, as I remembered it. Just make sure they don’t charge you a fee, go with the bigger temporary job agencies. This gives you flexibility to also look for full time work and to quit easily, once you find a full time gig.
Every time I see a new member, I think in my head “oh, no!” KD, these sisters are awesome, I’ve learned so much from them. I hope you won’t feel alone after discovering this site. They are kind, they are funny, and they are honest and straight forward.
Can you contact the people you’ve worked with at the old company and ask them if it’s ok to write them down as references? If not, maybe some voluntary work that you have done these past 2 years?
I’m sorry you’re going through this, Bev. From reading your posts, you seem to be a very strong, call it as you see it type of women, with a wicked sense of humor. I have faith that you’ll know what to do.
Lynn, those were very good comments. From this forum, I’ve wondered how difficult it must be for those who decide to stay with their husbands. It’s understandable because I’m sure you love them and some stay due to kids or economic reasons. But, aren’t you afraid to live the rest of your life always wondering when they’re lying and what they’re doing when they are out of your sight? I’m sure that has to be in the back of your mind all the time. You can’t really trust them anymore.
Lovely lawyer speak (sarcasm). Hang in there Teri, I’m sure there’s more to come…just breathe. My brother went through a nasty divorce and it’s unreal the stuff my ex-sister in law tried to pull. But in the end God knows and sees the truth…he got fully custody of both his children, which by the way, was granted by a female judge! (woo-hoo) Women are way smarter, they can smell BS anywhere!
…life is doing what makes you happy WITHOUT hurting others. For me it is traveling the world and putting my own life in perspective and being grateful for what I have despite of what I don’t have. Living the life my mom would’ve wanted me to live and to be happy (my mom died young).
I’m sorry you have to go through this? You’ve started a thread that I was wondering myself. Do you all feel used by these guys? I certainly felt used. They may have cared or even loved us at one point, but my end conclusion for my situation is that I was just someone he wanted to screw while he used his “girlfriend” as a babysitter for his elderly mom and as a front for his family and friends while he went around screwing other girls.
That’s the sad part is when you realized that you were just being used for their own selfish reasons. I’m sorry if I sound like a downer, but it really does seem to me that most of these guys are just selfish bastards who uses everyone they come across.
I’ve had 3 hours of sleep, so forgive me if I’m rambling.
I thank God for this board. When I go through my down times, I read the struggles that all of you went through and some are still going through and I count my blessings that I was only with him for 8 months. I loved and grieve for the man I thought I knew, but thankful in a selfish way that he is no longer here to do further harm to me. I’ve poured over numerous threads in this forum to gain more insight into this “disorder” and truly found a wealth of information to keep my darker emotions in check.
What I am also amazed at is all the warm, intelligent, funny and feisty women you all are! I mean this sincerely. Thank you all for your stories, believe you me, it has made a difference in someones life.
Yes, his xwife is very nice and has a really good heart. One thing she did mention was that a lot of his friends and acquaintances spoke, but no one in his family spoke at his funeral because they knew what he was really like.
He was a con, he knew exactly what to say to pull at my heart strings. I think what’s making me sad is how your life can change in a heart beat. I was relatively positive and happy 2 mos ago and all of a sudden my world just crumbles. I don’t wish him dead, but I do believe that God does what’s best for us. He had a lot of issues and from what his x-wife said “very troubled.” I need to lay off the xanax, it’s making me depressed.
Thank you all for your replies! You gals don’t know how much your support is helping me right now, only you know how I’m feeling. The confusion, the questions, hopefully the answers.
I still grieve for the man I thought he was, but am grateful that I don’t have to go through more months (or even years of lies). Now I know why my feelings were justified. The inconsistencies in his stories, the unexplained periods where my calls or text went unanswered and the sudden errands or obligations he had to tend to right away.
I’m in NYC for work now, but I think I’ll try to see a counselor while I am here. My hyperthyroidism going haywire again. I was ok for 2 years but right after this happened it’s off wack again.
I wish I had told her about us earlier. She is a friend of my sister, I met him through her. She said to me if I would’ve told her about dating him she would have “physically” held me down to stop me from doing it. I never told her because I was afraid how she would react to me seeing her ex-husband. She only found out the day after he died and at the time she didn’t have the heart to tell me he had another girlfriend (she found out about the other 2 later and told me about them also). She told me that girl is completely devasted, she thought she was his one and only also.
She really is a good person. That’s one of the reason I decided to date him. I knew him for 6 months before we started dating. I first I was hesitant because he was 15 yrs older than I and was having financial problems. I’m very financially responsible, I am not rich, but I don’t have money issues at all (he never asked me for a dime, just in case anyone was wondering). But he seemed so caring and so considerate. And I thought how nice his wife is…so I thought he can’t be that bad!
I just feel so incredibly fearful and anxious. I feel soooooooo used. I made so many excuses for him when I started suspecting something. Sisters, seriously never never ignore your intuitions! Many times, I just felt something was wrong and told him I didn’t want to see him anymore or that we needed a break. But a call or a text from him and I take him back. 3 weeks after we started dating him, I felt something was off, so I told him we can be friends but I don’t want to date him. He then told me how everything went downhill for him since his car accident and sometimes “we just have to go through life on our own.” That made me feel like a heel so I resumed seeing him.
You see, I was feeling sad. But looking at the pictures of him and the other girl just mad me so angry. I’m not angry at her, she had no idea. I’m just so pissed off at him for being such a fucking liar and disgusted at the same time. The week before he died, I asked if he was seeing someone else, he hesitated but said no. I should’ve follow up with more questions with that hesitation, but I didn’t because I wanted to believe him.
Is there anything else I need to know about this guy? I don’t know what else to ask his ex-wife, if any. Thank you for listening to my rant, but I’m finally trying to process his death. For weeks after his death, I was on pins and needles getting health checks to make sure I was ok (the man was in his early 50’s, so go figure how many people he has slept with). Now that my health is in check, I can now deal with him and his death.
Dang it, Lynn! What site am I suppose to find my next boyfriend on? LOL! Thanks for the post, it made me smile, which has been hard for me to do lately 🙂
I read a book called “Romantic Deception” and the therapist who wrote that book suggest a background check…including court papers (public info) to see if he really is divorced or how many times he’s been married. I can tell you the next guy I fall for, I’m having a P.I. follow him before I get too attached.
Thank you all for your answers, it’s been very hard for me getting over his death and I’ll admit I still cry about it everyday. A part of me wants to think that had he lived I could have help him change, but I know from reading about your experiences on this site, that it wasn’t going to happen.
I heartaches for the man I thought he was, but hardens when I think of the person he was. I spoke to his ex-wife a few weeks after the funeral and she told me that he just couldn’t help himself, it was nothing personal against anyone he was with. She also told me that I was lucky to only have been with him for 7 mos, because eventually he would have “broken my spirit.”
