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When I woke up this morning, one of my first feelings of gratitude was towards JoAnn and all of my SOS sisters. I love you all. I am spending the day at home…all four of us here. Trying to stay focused and positive and wishing all of my amazing sisters the best. I am beyond grateful for all of you. xoxo
I think it’s a great idea, with the details worked out. I am leaving my home, as I can’t afford it. I had thought about the possiblity of some sort of roommate situation. I just think it’s a fantastic concept.
Debora,
I’m in great admiration of you. My divorce will probably be one of those $20,000 on one side deals. Maybe if I had more smarts it wouldn’t be the case. You’ve done great!! So proud of you!!Dear JoAnn,
Sending so much love and prayers your way. I am here for you… we all are…to help you fight this. xoxoxoUGH, mine tried to do the no lawyer quicky agreement too. And he has this delusion of being friends who drifted apart. Well, he drifted into a bunch of vaginas.
You sound strong. You sound inspiring. Do take care and keep posting. I have a dear friend who has talked to me at length about divorcing a sociopath, and she used the exact phrase “caged animal.” It definitely rings a bell. I’m so glad you have reached out to neighbors and that your are not putting his shame on yourself. Keep posting back, Claire! Love you much.
Desiree,
I feel like I could have written that word for word. But isn’t that so often the case?
Yes, AB you will absorb it…so hard. xoxoxoAB, yes I HAVE heard things like this. And to see yet another sister go through it sickens me beyond belief. You are certainly not losing your mind. What Diane said…”You will never matter more to him than his lies. Never.” So powerful and so true. It took me far to long to let that sink in. Hang in there, sister. You deserve so much better in this world.
Hang in there, NAP! You are such a star; these moments are
bound to happen at times. You know it’s not real though. I love the partners idea. Silver Lining and I talk about going into some sort of business partnership and/or roommate situation in the future. Have men for fun and women for security. lol.Thanks, ladies! Bev, God I wish I could have channeled you!!She also asked what hobbies I have. I wanted to say, breathing right at the moment. But snarkiness will get us nowhere, I suppose, when it comes to the law. 😉
Daisy, if you pop back on here, I have some more questions/concerns. I now have to go back and gather more financial information, such as the statements going back 5 years for a credit card I’ve primarily used, all of the statements for the checking and savings accounts I opened this past spring, post filing, copies, of my degrees, licenses, etc. A big pain in the ass and I think it’s basically since my husband is going through the ringer, I do too. So my concern is that, is it very likely that I will be deposed again? Ugh, I have a feeling that will be the case. And if so, I’m sure I will be asked personal questions as there are charges on my new debit card for meals for my once monthly visits to visit Brett (the new man in my life). Fortunately, they are not exhorbitant expenses. He will only let me treat to for a breakfast or something like that, and then gas money, and maybe a few personal purchases. I don’t know why I’m rambling here, except maybe I need to get it out of my system that I hate divulging my personal life, esp with Narc man in the room. But is it likely that will happen? And am I correct in thinking they are looking for outrageous expenses? Or should I just not even worry about what they are “looking for.”
Also, we have our Compliance conference in a few weeks. Can you tell me a little about what that means?
Thank you, Daisy, and if you ever need ear,hearing aid, or dance shoe advice, don’t hesitate to ask!! 😉Happy Birthday, KATF! Wishing you all the happiness in the world! Stay strong and celebrate you! xoxo
Thanks, Teri. It really felt very intrusive and unfair, but it’s the way it goes…he gets deposed with good reason, so I have to get cross deposed. And it’s possible we may have to go back and do more. Just trying not to think about that yet.
As far as the questions, they say when in the moment, don’t try to think about what the other attorney is looking for or asking. That being said, it’s hard to keep your mind from going there for a second, and especially as you replay it afterward! The hard part for me is just remembering not to replay and obsess. 🙂Diane,
Yes, to clarify, I did say my medication use started with his activities. What’s interesting is that the way she phrased the question, specifically asking about my the Paxil I began with 4 years ago, made it easy to answer succinctly.
I really wanted to tell her about the book I’m reading about divorcing a narcissist (for real), but the book advises against labeling a narcissist to his face, and risk inciting more rage. Would have made for a fun answer though!Daisy,
My lawyer’s thoughts on some of the questions: my husband retained a vocational expert. My attorney denied their request to have me drive an hour away and submit to an interview with the expert. He predicted that SA’s attorney would be asking some questions that might provide requested information to the expert. Sounds like that prediction was correct!
And boy, you are so right about control freak H. He mocks me, as I’ve said in a previous post, for “not controlling my lawyer more.” My lawyer is a smart guy; I’ll let him do his job, thank you very much. 😉
Ahhh….excellent hot tub idea!!!Hey there everyone,
I survived! Woo hoo! It was about 3 hours. I still can’t figure out how that much time was filled. Most of the questions were financially based: they are trying to establish that I can and should be making a lot more money than I do now, in order to reduce the amount of spousal maintenance. The questions did not take a personal turn about my own personal life, for which I was grateful. I would have been honest and I’m fine with it, but just glad I didn’t have to go down that road for now.
Really the biggest stress for me was the number of questions that I didn’t know/remember answers to: such as where and when did I take continuing ed classes in 1989. (Really?). Hey I could have answered anything if I had an open book test and could look up the answers lol. So it felt awkward to say “i don’t remember” a thousand times, but that’s the way it is.
I still am puzzled by a line of questioning where his attorney asked what meds I was on. I gave my list, including my anti depressant/anti anxiety med. Then she asked if anything had occurred to cause me to go on them. At which time I thought, is she really asking this, and responded regarding his actions. Does anyone here know why she would ask that??
She also asked if we went to counseling. I said we went to one joint session, then the therapist saw us each once separately and referred him to a different counselor to help him deal with his issues, while i stayed with the current counselor for support. So um….get it..this was not a COUPLES problem.
She also spent a few minutes inquiring what types of books I was reading, which I thought was interesting, especially since it came toward the end of the deposition, rather than being an “ice breaker” question.
Now I left with a list of things I have to gather for her. More financial documents, copies of my degrees, etc. If there’s any further questioning, another deposition could happen. Ugh…hoping not.
And Debora, I wore a wondeful long woven scarf that the new man in my life gave me as a gift. I held tight onto that the whole time. 🙂xoxo Julie
Debora,
I’m terrible at the number crunching, but mine wanted to go without lawyers. Thank God I didn’t let him intimidate me in this final dance with him. It still has yet to play out, and yes, I’ve spent money, but thank God. I know it was the best decision I could possibly make. Be careful Debora. You have such a good heart. I want the best and most amazing future for you!
xoxoxoxo JulieSending you strength, Lisa! I’m terrified about money, and like Teri, barely keep up with Mint. But I keep that vision in my head about life without SA. It will be ok. Keep your strength. Don’t panic. Post away here if it pushes back the panic. Have someone help you double check figures, whether a professional or just a good friend with a clear head (with whom you can pay back with some brownies). I’ve learned there’s no shame in asking for help.
Love you! JulieMonique your post breaks my heart. I am not a hateful person, but I HATE these motherfuckers. In response to the post that started the forum, I know that conversation all to well…that SA speak, or really, fucked-up-narcissist-and/or-sociopath speak. 🙁 It’s lies, insincerity, lack of remorse and manipulation. I can see it all too clearly (funny how that works when it’s someone else, and not ourselves.) I don’t know the answer to your complicated situation. I’m just getting a taste of navigating the court system with my situation and divorce. So far, I hate it and see so many flaws. It sucks. For now, keep your distance. Don’t engage with him or fall for any of his touchy feely ickness trying to draw you back in. You are a strong woman. Please take care of yourself, whatever it takes, to keep your heart healthy for you and your kids.
xoxo JulieHappy Birthday to one of the most truly wonderful women I know! I’m wishing you all your heart desires! Enjoy the day and West Side Story!!!
Love you!
JulieI will definitely let you know! It sucks that in NY the courts/lawyers don’t care. They care about showing that I am capable of earning more money than I am now, but not what brought me to my knees and made it hard to run back into the work force with focus and energy at the timing of my husband’s choosing. Ah well; at least if I can keep his actions front and center in my mind, it will help me fight harder and not feel intimidated by it all. Love you! xoxoxo
Thank you, Bev!
And Claire, he’s not being any extra anything…we don’t speak. Well, he speaks if he wants to confront or badger me about something. Good thing he’s keeping his distance right now.