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I am interested in tips from everyone about how you respond to your SA’s passive aggressive behavior. I find myself trying to be conscious of not contributing to it, throwing fuel on that fire…and it’s really hard, because it IS crazy making behavior. Help! I really struggle with this.
You need to go out and buy: Living with the Passive Aggressive man by Scott Wetzler. I think I spelled his name right.
PA is one of the big reasons why I bailed. This behavior is very long standing and without the SA’s firm commitment to alternatives, I don’t see much hope in doing anything other than tolerating this abuse. And that is what the behavior is: abuse. Whether it’s on purpose or not, the end result is the same.The book has lots of good techniques to deal with it. I found the most difficult to deal with was “playing stupid”, minimizing and denial. And worst of all is when they play the victim. That makes me want to scream and believe me, I have! The problem with screaming is that you look like the nutcase and then no-one believes you when you try to say that he’s the nut job. Unfair that is!.
The passive agressive behavior is maddening. I will admit I am not handling it well at all. I have a hot temper to begin with, and his inane behavior sometimes throws me through the roof. Many nights I have had to leave the house and just drive around in my car in order to calm down {after I put the baby to sleep of course}. I never knew that he was PA, but figured it out after some time. At first I thought he was just burnt out from all the weed he smokes. Then, for awhile, I just believed what his family told me.. “he’s a very laid back person, nothing bothers him”. Right. He’s laid back alright. Just not the way you people think.
Passive-Aggressive behavior is very hard to deal with. I have had a very difficult time dealing with it myself. My SA just puts me into orbit when he does it.
What I do now, is say to him, “You are being passive-aggressive, and if you cannot express your’e anger appropriately I will not have this conversation with you.” That usually shuts him down because he doesn’t get any mileage out of it, and that is whaty they are after. They want to make you think you are the crazy one, and do very well in accomplishing that goal. It certainly does take the focus off of them, doesn’t it!
These SA’s cannot express anger in a healthy manner, so it is a very difficult thing for them to overcome – along with everything else that makes them so sick.Yes, I am right there with all of you. Larry is both Avoidant and Passive Aggressive. Most of the time I just feel so frustrated I want to kill him.
I am working on an eBook on Personality Disorders. My hope is that it will help me and all of you.
Hi Marie,
Its interesting before discovery my husband was very, very passive aggressive and now hes not as much. His whole family is very, very passive aggressive. It does drive you crazy because it comes and goes and I never knew when it hit until it was too late. I hate it because Im a pretty straight shooter and passive aggressives are not at all.
Anyway, a tip that a therapist gave me a long time ago was very helpful to me. She said that passive aggressive people use this behavior as a tug-of-war. They pull it to get a reaction from us or a desired behavior they want. She told me to not “pick up the rope”. So, for example, when my birthday came and my husband never wished me a “Happy Birthday” I used to get all upset and let him know. This led to chaos or him leaving. If I just ignored it by not responding (not picking up the rope) he didnt get the desired response or behavior he wanted. This helped me.Dear NAP,
I really like that concept of not picking up the rope, that is my new mantra starting now. thanks!
MarieWell, this is what seems to happen to me.
If I try to talk about something that is hurting my feelings, many times he does not really address what I am saying. He blame shifts or minimizes what I am feeling or saying.
This results in me feeling like I am crazy or that something is wrong with me. This is when I get frustrated and angry.
Now that I am responding in an angry way, he is the one that purposefully does not “pick up the rope”. He just looks at me like “I have lost my mind”. He gets all calm and in a very steady voice tells me to settle down. This just seems so condescending to me.
Do you know what I am talking about?
I want him to pick up the rope. I want him to respond. I need some kind of show of an emotional reaction. Is he in there? Is he hearing me? Does he care? This big eyed, zombie like stare that seems to look right through me just feels really weird in the face of how much pain I am experiencing.Hi Cindy1111,
I can very much relate to what you are saying, it’s what I have been doing, too and one of the reasons I asked for advice. I think what NAP is telling us is that when we go past just stating how we feel and start to get frustrated and angry……he has already won, because we picked up the rope by doing that. Game over in their head, they won. If we state our point or feelings calmly without any expectations about what he will do or say or think, we have avoided picking up the rope and they don’t have a partner to play the usual game with. Am I applying my new mantra correctly, NAP?Hi Cindy1111,
Just wanted to share this with you. I have a great therapist and Im so happy I do. She told me the worst place to look for support is the person who caused all the pain. Get you support from trusted others. Please dont stick you hand in the toaster anymore. We all have been there…Albert Einstein said: insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different outcome. He was one of the most brilliant people of all time.Hurtheart,
In regards to the pot smoking…does he still smoke it, or are you thinking in the past.My SA was aslo a huge pot smoker up until about a year after I met him. So heavy pot smoker for 10 years or so. What is interesting about all of this whenever i talk about is lack of drive and responsibility …everyone asks if he is still smoking pot. My answer is as far as i know he is not. (but moved on the sex addiction instead in my case).
But like you i am thinking that there is damage from that? Maybe.
but it call also be the passive aggressive which is most likely the case. When I showed my SA the PA book, he point to the ADD section (as that is his excuse for his lack of contrubution). But yet said he and his parents made the decesision hat he did not need treatment when he was in grade school. Well how is that working for you skippy, pot now sex addiction, can;t hold a relationship?
NAP PA = Passive Aggressive. Thanks everyone for your replies, keep them coming:) They are very helpful.
NAP, love the advice you gave to Cindy about not sticking her hand in the toaster anymore. That applies to me, too and if I alternate mantras between ” don’t pick up the rope” and “don’t stick your hand in the toaster”, I think that would significantly reduce my contribution to his passive aggressive behavior. Thanks again:)
Cindy, I can relate to so many of the things you post. It sounds like you are dealing with a PA.
The problem with a PA is they are relentless, they will use everything in their arsenal to keep you off balance.
La Vita Conscia web site, my abuser is an excellent description on how they operate. If you are with a PA, you need to research this behavior thoroughly. It really helps you understand the craziness feelings. This site and Married to a sex addict along with Lavita’s has helped me understand why i feel insane at times.
Not an easy thing to get over as it has really done a number on our trusting ourselves.
NAP – I love your wisdom. I am so mad at myself for sticking my hand in the toaster. And I am so freakin insane at this moment that Einstein would have committed me along time ago. : ) !!!!
Seriously, What is wrong with me. Intellectually I can relate to everything. I understand that I get hooked by him, and yet, I continue to look for something that I know is not there. Is this still part of me being in shock? I do not understand why I can’t look to him for nurture and compassion when he is the one who inflicted it on me. I have heard this from others as well. I just do not understand why he would not be the one to comfort me? Please help me to understand.
Marie – Thank you for your insight and your questions. I did not know what PA meant. All of this time that I was reading that I thought it meant Porn Addiction. Who knew?
Jeannette – Thanks for the support in being able to relate to my posts. I am going to check out the web site that you spoke of.
Hi Cindy1111,
To be honest, its easy for me to help others, when it comes to myself Im a total mess. Its easy to be objective with others. When love and emotion are involved it a whole different ball game. Thats why its so hard for you and its hard for me too Cindy1111-I think its hard for all of us…thats why our sisterhood is thriving…we all need help. I think we go through the same stages of grief that Kubler-Ross describes and we can fluctuate back and forth. Its one hugh process and it hurts, its very uncomfortable, its frustrating, and draining. If you can focus on getting the help you need it will help and try to spend less time on the SA-often its a waste of energy.Flora:
My “husband” hasn’t smoked pot in awhile. However, he was a heavy pot smoker for a long time, both before I met him and after. I never minded much {never bothered me even though I myself only smoked it in high school} but I don’t think that accounts for his behavior. He is like a walking dead person, as is most of his family. They live in a world that doesn’t exist, and none of them have any emotions at all. Most bizarre family I’ve ever encountered. Perhaps the pot did play some part of a role in his overall personality, but I don’t think it was a big factor. He’s just PA and NA and SA.
i went with my partner yesterday to see his counselor and again insisted that he has pd of some sort well low and behold he gave some questionnaires to answer and when done the guy says that he has moderate depression and moderate anxiety then asked my partner if he feels depressed at all and the answer was a very definite not a all after 6 months of hell and hes just fine and im the crazy one so hes going to see a psychiatrist maybe this with answer some of my questions who knows
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