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I thought what I was dealing with was confusing but pretty straightforward. My husband had a “relapse” and acted out by exposing himself to unknown woman about 4 months ago. he had been clean of this for 10 years (this I believe). So I have been struggling with understanding exhibitionism and how this would affect what was left of our 20 year marriage. He was under tremendous stress so I know conditions were extreme.
2 weeks ago I found out he was texting a female coworker at all hours of the day. I didn’t see the texts but I know they were brushing each others egos somehow. She was in a troubled marriage and he was being what he thought was a listener and it snow balledinto at least an awful flirtation maybe emotional affair. I said it was inappropriate told him to end it there and sent her a text with the same message.
Today, one week or so later I see they are still texting…hiding but but still texting!!! Today I told him to leave for a few days. I called her to tell her to stop. She was rude and condescending. I tried not to explode on her. they both are idiots. I need to catch my breath.
He came to get his stuff and proceeded to try a conversation with me. I know this is dangerous…he plays me, guilts me, and plays on my sympathies.
i know they didn’t sleep together. Also I had lunch with an old boyfriend 8 months ago (with my husbands permission). But now he is throwing it in my face as if I am as bad as him.
i am struggling with the question of overreaccting. It is too many deviances in behavior. I can’t fcus and can’t trust him. The awful part is I love him and we have 4 kids and we have fun together. I think I am scared to be alone but am also missing him.
thanks for listening.Annie you have so not overreacted!! He is totally out of bounds and you CANNOT tolerate this behavior. A therapist for you both could tell you how this should play out because this is a critical moment. I really get that you love him and have so much going together, but it isn’t good for any one of you… him – you – or you kids to let this slide in any way. You have already been traumatized and you cannot allow him to throw you back in it. Unfortunately for them, they will have to be hypervigilant about all of their behaviors for the rest of their lives. This does not fit that mold.
Thank you Lylo.I can’t tell if I am ok with my own decision. I am sitting here feeling so isolated.
I don’t mean to be stupid but what do you mean the kids will have to be hypervigilant? I may be reading it wrong sorry!
Hi Annie,
This is my opinion. A husband should have respect for his wife and visa versa. Texting a woman all times of the day is very disrespectful especially after you told them both to stop. By asking him to leave (I would do the same), youre giving him the message that its not tolerated in your marriage. Thats a good thing. Youre protecting yourself and children from your husband who is choosing to be void of your feelings. That teaches your kids: gee, when I get married and my husband starts carrying on with another woman-he needs to leave. Thats good because it is the right thing to do. I know youre feeling lonely and scared, but feelings can be managed and pass, if you have him come back because of your insecurities, then hes coming back for the wrong reason. He can come back when he can assure you its over between him and witchy woman. This is my opinion, I think you did the right thing and it took alot of courage for you to do it. Be proud that you stood up for what is right. your friend, NAPAnnie, he made a choice. It was not appropriate behavior to text another woman. She seems to be a woman with issues as well. Loving an SA is very complicated because we really hate what they do…You are not having fun with him now and you have to be protective of your children. You are in my prayers.
Annie,
No. You are not overreacting. If anything, you are being too understanding. Seems like your sex addict’s behavior is pretty typical, unfortunately. I would suggest you revisit your boundaries. JoAnn has written an excellent e-book for female partners of sex addicts. And find out if your husband has started to establish his “boundaries (or lack of),” which are totally different than yours. I’m pretty new at this SA game, but as I am beginning to understand the SA’s boundaries(or lack of) have to include the SA trying to understand why they either don’t have normal boundaries or several reasons why their boundaries are “twisted.” Most of their strange boundaries originated in their childhood, or so I have been told. Throw in some hardwired addiction problems, stress, many kinds of abuse, assorted personality disorders and that probably is why they are sex addicts. If he doesn’t respect YOUR boundaries or doesn’t even try to work on the causes of his boundary problems, well, your situation isn’t looking very good right now. Sorry. If he has any chance of recovery, or even wants to recover, he has to acknowledge why his boundaries may well be the reason for his problem(s). I had to retain an attorney before my husband of 35 years would even accept the fact that he had some major SA boundary problems and began some really hard work. This isn’t easy and can take months or years. Seems like he isn’t trying too hard to resolve the problems in your marriage or he would respect your boundaries and work on his own. Otherwise, his behavior probably will continue until the day he dies. He can tell you anything but until he “shows you the money,” there isn’t a great deal of hope -of either saving your marriage or him changing his horn dog ways. Hope this helps. HugsAnnie…so sorry. Not sure how I phrased it so poorly but I meant that the SA,s will have to be hypervigilant about their behaviors forever. The benefit of the doubt that others enjoy simply does not apply to them ever again.
Hi Annie,
You certainly did not overreact. You are married to a man with inappropriate sexual behaviors that he has not been able to control and he has lied to you and kept secrets from you What he has done with this woman and texting is shown you that this is just another form of inappropriate sexual behavior that he cannot control and he has had more lies and secrets associated with this behavior. Annie, just tell yourself that WHAT the compulsive sexual behavior is doesn’t matter….they are all the same in terms of the addiction and the devastation that they cause in our lives. And if you read about any acting out behavior ( exposing, prostitutes, massage parlors, emotional affairs that become sexual, etc.) …what they have in common apart from lies, secrets, emotional unavailability…..is that they all get worse. It is extremely unlikely that your husband went years without sexual acting out, unless he was in active recovery. It is very likely that he was able to hide his behavior from you better, but as addictions get worse, the addict is not able to do that as well, and eventually…..we know. You did the right thing, I am thinking about you:)
MarieThank you all. He is in a therapy group and he seems to be recognizing that some of his behavior can be manipulative. I see some changes but of course I am never sure when I am being played. You are right, Ann. His boundaries are twisted and it is exhausting trying to convince him why.
Thank you, Lylo. Got it now 🙂
I am hoping by his leaving that it will shake him up to realize how wrong it really was because I don’t think he would get it if he was still here. And I think by listening to all of you that before he can come back I need him to prove to me he ended it with (I am trying hard not to call her names) “her”.
I am not sure what else to require of him to come home. I know I want him to say he understands things like…I won’t be able to trust him.
I guess I hope to have him come home I am just hoping it isn’t out of insecurity as you said, NAP.
Anne,
I just read your story. I just want you to know that I understand your pain. I don’t have anything really to add to what the other ladies have written.Just wanted you to feel supported. You are doing the right thing to stand up for yourself. You would not be OK with someone treating your daughter or your best friend this way. Make sure that you treat yourself just as you would those close to you.
You are worthy of someone loving you. And you are worthy of you loving yourself.
Hugs,
CindyThank you, Cindy and all,
I have to keep rereading your messages to keep me balanced because it’s barely been 24 hours and I am caving. I am checking his phone log online to see who he is calling or texting (noone) and I am wondering what he’s doing. Iknow I shouldn’t care. He sounded sad when we spoke this afternoon. But I am hoping he’ll call again.
I am trying to keep the focus on the pain he caused. I am so mad at myself for feeling weak. I feel lonely and guilty like i have done something wrong. I am working it.
I just needed to vent…thanks. I don’t have anyone who knows my situation besides my aunt and I would be ashamed for her to know I tolerated this texting b.s. for as long as I did. I know that should tell me something!
Annie,
It is hard, but like you said be stong. It will get better in another day or so, as you adjust. Maybe it takes a week maybe it takes a month. But he needs to get it together and you cannot tolerate the behavior anymore. By allowing him to stay in the house, despite his behavior, he is learning that he can continue to do as he pleases. Now that he is out, he tuely cannot affect you anymore on a daily basis if you don’t let hime. I was constantly annoyed and triggered everytime I saw my SA. Having him out, I was able to calm down and breath again. I hope this happens for you too. (((Hugs)))Hi Annie,
When you wrote how you feel guilty “like you have done something wrong”…..that doesn’t happen in a vacuum, his behavior is geared to make you feel that way. How do we know? Because all of our SA’s do this, and we have all felt that way. We have to make a comittment to be strong and true to ourselves and ignore the guilt that comes our way from them. That guilt is part of our unhealthy relationship with them. If you don’t cave, when he finds it doesn’t work, he will come up with other strategies, and those may not be healthy either. Wait until something healthy comes from HIM before you respond:) Otherwise, you are stuck in the same cycle.
Marieannie i have such a hard time responding when i read many of the posts how can i give advice or anything when i read how these strong woman can stand by their values as hard as it is i read your post and the first thing i thought of what a courageous strong woman you are then it dawned on me every time i read a post i too am getting stronger, i too will one day have the strength they do, i am not alone nor crazy, annie i am truly honered that you are who you are and have the honesty to share with me the stuggles of your life to show me i will one day have the currage to stand up for myself too – thank you my heart is with you katt
Marie,
I am just really moved by your words. :
……..Wait until something healthy comes from HIM before you respond:) Otherwise, you are stuck in the same cycle…..
The way you worded this let me put words to what I am really doing right now. I feel like sometimes my friends think that I need to make a decision on what I am going to do about my marriage. The fact that it has almost been two years since D-day, they think that I should be closer to making a decision about what I want to do. I know that it is hard for them to see me in this kind of pain, but I am not ready or comfortable in making a decision yet. I love him and hate to see him in this kind of pain tooo.
This gives me a way of expressing what I am feeling. I am waiting for something healthy to come from him.
Thx.
Cindy“wait for something healthy to come from him” hit me hard too., Marie.
It is giving me something to build on. He is sitting on the computer now and asked if I want him to leave after he’s done.
I hate being put in this position. he says he knows he went too far but I am just not hearing the right thing or the right amount of remorse from him. I see he’s sad but I do need to see or hear something healthy.
Katt, I agree with NAP, you are stronger than you know. 🙂
Hi guys,
I would define the “something healthy” coming from him in somewhat vague terms…but we know it when we hear it or see it. It is definitely something that makes you feel good about yourself, your values, and your choices. Wow, Annie, you go girl! Throwing the ball back to you with the victim mentality and trying to induce guilt is SO not healthy.Katt,
I agree with you, we get strength from each other. I learn something here every day, sometimes it is remembering what d-day felt like when I read someone whose d-day is fresh ( and remembering is important,it keeps me grounded in reality without feeling the pain as intensely), sometimes it is reading about the struggles of a woman whose SA is in early recovery and remembering what that felt like, too,sometimes it is tips and tricks for surviving the the day with my SA, sometimes it is reading about a newly signed divorce and smiling and knowing that could be me and I might be just as happy if I choose that path. What I get from all of you women is that it’s okay to be me, and to incorporate your ideas and experiences into my own. Thank you!I do not think you have over-reacted at all. Marriage must have love, respect, and trust. Since our SA’s have shown us none of the above, they should not be pushing any boundaries which may be acceptable in healthy marriages {although I don’t know many wives or husbands who would stand for texting/sexting, what have you}
Stay strong.I don’t know if I did the right thing. I said he could come home yesterday. I felt like there was genuine remorse. I think he did need to leave the house. But I do feel a bit ashamed b/c I think I did cave. I might have gone a few more days..I don’t know.
But he was here…he needed stuff for work and had to get online here. I know I was manipulated abit. At least I recognized the behavior so much better now. the passive aggressive, the narcissism, the guilting, all while charming me.
I was actually feeling ashamed to write it here. I wanted to be a bit stronger. But I know I need to discuss with him where we are going and exactly what boundaries need to be. I guess I need to figure out my own boundary…when will I say enough is enough?
I do know that I will continue to save some of my own money . It is a baby step but a security. I hope our marriage will heal.
I didn’t mean to say I let him home b/c we needed to discuss…I mean we need to discuss boundaries now that he is home.
I hope I made sense.Annie, Please take care of yourself first and, when working on boundaries, do a lot of research on “trauma/betrayal bonds.” My husband is cross addicted (recovering alcoholic and recently discovered SA), so I’ve have some experience with trying to be the loving, caring and supporting wife. I went through the usual, more like the unusual, self introspective route, i.e. – what did I do wrong, what role did I play in his addiction(s), how could I change, how could I help – the all too typical bs. Beware. Almost all of these men have major psychological problems that began in their early childhood. Even after years of treatment, their deep rooted shame keeps them rooted in equally deep denial. I’m starting to believe that my SA, even if he had 200+ years of therapy/groups, will always struggle, on a daily basis, with addiction. Don’t give up yet. Just be aware that there is no quick fix. I fell into some of the typical traps in the first few years of his sobriety and one of them was desperately wanting to believe his many amends and how he was a changed man. And now I discovered that, after a few years of sobriety (booze), he traded one addiction for another one. No one said life was going to ever be easy but does it have to be this hard! Take care and I’ll be hoping that everything goes as well as possible for you because you more than deserve it.
All the SAs are very adept at making you feel guilty for not loving them the way they want to be loved.
My SA too went on this self pity trip that i dont love him unconditionally.
Earlier i would have gone all out to try and convince him i i cared and was always there for him and how much i loved him.For the first time in the relationship i told him , yes , sorry i dont believe in unconditional love.
Only cheats and deceivers ask for unconditional love.I dont.If , in a committed relationship , i cheat on my partner in every possible way ( real..online..cyber etc etc) with every possible person including whores i wouldnt expect my partner to love me the same as before. I would be a fool to think so .And i dont think our SAs are fools.
So its all another of their ploys to suck you back in their world.
Thank you, Ann. I will research that. I appreciate you saying “Don’t give up yet”. I assume you meant on the marriage. I am struggling with feeling like I am supposed to leave and a part of me wants to because I am exhausted but the other part knows that no matter what people say for my kids the split would be very hard. … and I miss him when he’s gone (who’s the sick one now?)
and I wonder too if life or marriage for that matter should be this hard.
SanityRegained, my husband is wondering about the unconditional love thing too! and making me feel so evil for not taking it.
thank you all so much!
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