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I am 47 years old and have been married for 28 years. I caught my husband having an affair in Oct. I found him texting at 5 am in the bathroom. He was on this crazy high. She was his soul mate. He met her 3 wks earlier golfing. Silly me, I thought we were head over heals in love! He tore me apart, insulted me, told our kids he was leaving me. He was on his way out the door! I insisted we see a counselor and he told her he was never going back to the way we were! I was like …what…was…wrong? We went to an intensive “affair recovery weekend” and really tried to put the pieces back together. He recommitted himself to me. I said that women (rat) may be the best thing that ever happened to us!!! Poured myself into being a better wife/lover giving him all my attention. Being super suspicious, I then caught him lying like crazy right to my face. I started picking him apart. I opened up a hornets nest and found out he has been cheating on me our entire marriage. But he just gave me pieces and bits and tried to blame me for each indiscretion. Blaming it on having too many kids – and then finding our his first affair was 3 years before kids (1rst month we were married)! He has had sex affairs with strangers, every time he golfed with his brother they found women ~ his brother was going to leave his family for the rats best friend! Emotional affairs with coworkers, admitted to peeping, hooked up with 2 of my nephews girlfriends (we only see him once every few years!). I now know why my 20 year best friend stopped talking to me…it was the love letters from my husband! Porn, sex shops. The list goes on and on.
So for over a 4 month span I was a mess. I tried to have a normal Thanksgiving, and Christmas for my kids and he was still talking to his soul mate! I lost 15 lbs ~it dissolved off of me, couldn’t sleep or concentrate and I was covered with itchy hives, which I never had before. My H just goes along like nothing happened. Never even lost a nights sleep. grrr. In January I got the last “5” things out of him. That last disclosure set me free. I listened to him carefully and all I came to the conclusion that he is really messed up. How can anyone function like a normal person and behave so kooky! I felt a huge sense of relief. This was never my fault. The therapist in town was clueless. When I suggested SA she told me she didn’t know anything about that so she couldn’t say. My h took that as he is fine and I am making a big deal out of nothing. I found a specialist 3 hours away and he said he would go to shut me up! He was certain that when we got there she was going to tell me that all the past stuff was old and didn’t matter. When I gave her the list of all the things he told me she said this is serious, you have a lifelong pattern of this behavior! All the color drained from his face!!!! He truly expected her to tell me to let it go!!!!
So now he has a great therapist. He has been doing the workbook and reading. He refuses to go to a sa meeting, and said if I make him he will quit everything.
He told me yesterday that he is not compulsive. He keeps telling me he can control this and he does not believe he is a sex addict. He says he is controlling his behavior and its no big deal. When he hooked up with the last women He is really agitated now and argues with everyone about stupid stuff. I don’t want to see him crash and burn, but I can’t fix this.
Hi hadj608 – I am so sorry for everything you are going through.
Your’e husband, although seeing a therapist, is still in denial regarding his addiction, and he is control by giving you an ultimatum if you insist he go to 12-step meetings. Sounds like he has a long way to go in regards to really admitting he has a problem. While in the stage of denial, it is really common for the SA to say they can control the addiction and tend to think they can “fix it” themselves.
If I were you, I would set some boundaries and consequences for your’e husband to adhere to. He is the one with the problem, and if he is really serious about recovery, he will do do whatever you feel necessary for you to re-build trust with him.
That can be insisting he go to 12-step program, access to all credit card and checking and phone accounts, even a GPS system on the car – whatever it takes for you to know and be assured you can trust what he is telling you. If he is not willing to comply, then you have a decision to make on whether go or stay.
You are right, you can’t fix him, and it sounds like he has a long history of addiction. He did not get there overnight, and he can’t recover overnight. He has a long road ahead of him, and I think you should know the percentage for an SA to recover is only around 5%. Then, once they learn to manage they’re addiction, (and it can take years) there are always possibilities of slips and relapses for the rest of his life.
Sounds like he has a good therapist who will not fall for his manipulative behavior. Hopefully, she will make an impact on him. I would also make sure you know he is keeping his appointments.
Sounds like to me he is angry because you are “ruffling his feathers,” so give this some deep thought on what you want to do and how you want to handle it. An SA does not like being out of control, as they have used they’re addiction to manage their lives for years.
We are all here for you to vent and get support. Thanks for telling your story.
Love to you.Hi Hadj608,
I cant write too much right now because of an appointment I have to get to. I just wanted to thank you for sharing your story. I think you H is in big time denial and has alot of defenses set in place to be able do to what he does. Also the blaming of others esp you is common. What is important is that you are not in denial. You know the truth and keep basising you decisions and choices on that. I will write later and I wish you all the best and treat yourself well………NAP
I’d love to see him crash and burn. He’s a soul less narcissistic sociopathical loser. He is NOT controlling his behavior. It is out of his control and his refusal to pull out ALL of the stops to get a handle on all of this is the proof– POSITIVE!!!
Soul mates on the golf course. Thanks for giving me, my first much needed LOL of the day… Sorry, its at your expense though.
And I feel for you, because you’re in love with this idiot. I dunno… you lived with him and were in love for 28 years… and he got away with it. Those damned computers… While it makes it EASIER for them to hook up, it also makes it a LOT easier for them to get caught!!!
He’s not going to change. nope. Can you just look the other way? These are your choices. Look the other way or leave. There really is nothing else, I’m afraid– not until he’s READY to do the really hard work and make ammends for putting your life in danger. Stupid prick. Sorry… I’m really, really angry and vengeful today! I’m really sorry about this… and please, get your tests done and your pap and ask for an HPV test!!!
all my best,
Lexie
I feel for you, I really do. While there’s alot of controversy about the 12 step program and whether it helps or not, I can tell you what it can do. At these meetings people share stories about their addiction and how they ended up in recovery. These stories help the new comer to realize that they are not alone with this problem, that there is a support system in place for them to access, and that it’s okay to admit you have a problem and seek help for it. These realizations may not be evident after the first, second or tenth meeting, but you have to keep going because at one point or another, you WILL hear a story that you can relate to that will likely be similar to your situation. I know this because I attended 12 step meetings for alcoholism and it saved my life. I insist that my SA continue these meetings, as many as he can attend because I know they can help and they have. How do I know he’s going? We discuss the meeting when he gets home, he names people/friends he’s met, his sponsor has called the house and I know who he is, he’s only gone as long as it takes to get there, have the meeting and come home. If he’s going to be late, he calls. It takes commitment and if your SA isn’t even admitting he has a problem, good luck getting him to attend meetings. I believe you are on the right path to keep your distance from him and don’t always be there for him. Don’t answer every call. He needs to know that you’ve moved on. I would keep contact to a minimum. He needs to self destruct and when he does, he knows what to do for himself. Let him go.
Sorry for the abrupt ending to my story – the plumber hollered for some towels!
We saw our therapists (3 hours away) yesterday and I checked this site on my phone. *Lexi~ while I was reading your post my husband was blah blah blahing about not being an addict. I got the giggles and could not stop laughing! Thank you for the lift!! I wish I could have said it all out loud to him!
Nap and sharon, thank you for your kind words. I am working on the boundaries right now. Tricky thing, he is a computer guy, makes it easy for him to outsmart me in technology. Because of that I would like to request periodic lie detector tests, has anyone ever gone through with them and are the effective?
cbslife~ I went to my first cosa meeting after our appointment. He went to the library. His therapist told him he needs to really consider it in 2 weeks. I was fascinated by the women there. So strong and wise, just like the women on this site. I dared to imagine last night that I could ever feel that good and normal again. So much pain gets is spread around by these guys. One lady said sa’s are so empty it is impossible to fill them up. I guess it’s good that we are capable of having pain, I would hate to be that empty.
Ok your going to love this one: When we were disagreeing about the fact that “he does not go out and seek sex, therefore he is not an addict”, I reminded him that he admitted that on the night he met the golf outing soulmate, he took off his wedding band and took a viagra before he went out! But says he was not looking to have sex with anyone!!!! I asked him if he was just trying to keep his pants from falling down!
hadj608 welcome and thanks for your story. i do love your outlook. i to am under construction and i told my partner how you hired people to come in and get it done. he spent the day working on the house. you have a strength about you i see it in your words. happy to get to know you. if you could how much do you kids know, i have 5 and they know nothing at all.
much love katthadj608 – My husband was a computer guy, as well. It is true – if they really want to find a way around it, they can do it. But, I had Sprectra, (JoAnn sells it) and you set up a pw that there is no way they can figure out. You can have reports sent to another computer, or check it on his. If he does figure out a way around it, you can tell because if he goes in under your’e pw it will show on the record. There may be other ways around it – I don’t know. It worked for me.
As to the lie detector test. Therapist’s recommend it on an every 6 mo. basis if the SA is working on recovery. My SA took one and I found out he beat it. I based that test on the results of no deception, and married him. He was active in his addiction all that time, and I was clueless. He admitted to it later. I think an SA can get to the point where they believe they’re lies, and if they do they won’t feel guilty about it-thus, no deception. Or, if he is a sociopath – they can lie like a trooper and feel nothing.
I have heard a lot of positive’s about the lie detector test, so it is worth a try. My SA may have been the exception. Sounds like your’e SA is a chronic lier, so it would be worth trying to catch him at it. If he refuses to take one, I can guarantee you he is guilty.hadj608, So very sorry for the gut punch you got from this man you have devoted your entire adult life to. It sounds like you have been proactive and doing everything you can to navigate yourself to a better place. He, however is not and you need to move on. He may hit bottom, but you cannot know when or if that will happen and being there for him won’t accelerate that process.
p.s. I fell out of my chair laughing about him and his pants!!
nap~ I listened to him closely this weekend and you are right, he has all his defenses in place, fascinatingly manipulative, very intelligent, it comes off as sounding so sincere and convincing! It’s amazing what you hear when you really start to listen!
Katt~ unfortunately my kids found out because he was going to leave me for the women he met golfing. He told them he never loved me and was leaving. Before that day, we spent all of our time together and with the kids! They were so confused because there was never an indication that we weren’t a big happy family. Some of them overheard our arguing, and they all talk to each other so word traveled quickly. I have spoken to each of them individually, based on their age. My husband only jokes around with them, he is no help. I used the term sex addict, but told them it was more of an “attraction” addict, in which everyone of them replied ~for sure dad is an attraction addict. So that rang true to all of them. The older 3 (24,22,20) wanted to know if he cheated more than the one time and I said yes and that he had a problem. I did not discuss this with the younger 2 (15 & 18) but like I said ~ they are close and talk to each other. I wish they never had to know. If he would have just laid it all on the table when I found out, we would be in such a different place. He trickled most of the info only to hurt me, and I was a mess. There is nothing more scary to kids than seeing someone they love hurt their mom so much. In a civilized disclosure, I would have been able to keep my head about me, what he did was pure torture. He admits it now. And he is still in denial. My husband just goes along joking and wanting to goof around, play games like always. They smile but look hurt. The absence of random hugs for him is so evident it seems eerie. And he just keeps joking around like nothing happened ~attracting. I noticed that if I am in a good mood and things are light and happy around the house like before, everyone of them look at me with such hope. Almost pleading. They want our old life back. Or maybe they just miss the happier me.
I have felt guilty for talking to the kids, but I just read JoAnn’s reply to someone that they have a right to know. I feel relieved. I wish it could have happened under less explosive circumstances, and I think he should have to talk to them. I think he would rather split than admit to anyone he was ever wrong about anything. So much armor.
I’m sure if you choose to tell your kids it will be hard, but more controlled than my situation. In a perfect world, our sa’s would talk to them and then morph into a human!hadj608 thank you im not sure you have read my story but wayne my partner kind of slipped into my kids life when their real father became drug addicted and truth be told he never was a father. the change in them at that time was amazing and to take that from them. i don’t know this is such a f**king mess. im a mess, yet if i have to tell them i know i will. for now i don’t but with time…. the bad part is they think I’m nuts, never happy never satisfied. like me they haven’t got a clue.
Hi hadj608,
As i learned from my parenting class this weekend, and also heard many other times; it is best to tell the kids. If you do not tell them, they are then left to their own thoughts. And most always the thought is that they are to blame. This somehow gives them control over the situation. Most times they already know soemthing is up. You of course have to tell them at age appropriate levels, what info you share.My tow older ones also found out before I was ready to tell them. The SA emailed his parents, of course the kids found out in some redicoulous way from this email. Had to be quick on my feet, a determine what was age approp. for them to know.
This is all so hard. Good luck to you.
Katt~ I remember reading your story, you have been through so much, way more than your fair share. The good part of the kids knowing is they have been super supportive to me. In this crisis, they all have stepped up and their love is what makes me stronger. Ironically , I made my type 1 diabetic go to college in town so I could keep an eye on her, and she is the one who comes over every day and makes me go work out with her. Even on my gloomiest days she drags me out. Like a bunch of dolphins – we surround and try to be close to the one who is injured. I just never thought I would be the one in the middle. I can’t imagine what they would think of me if they didn’t know what was going on. They would be frightened for sure. I am so bad at faking happy. Did you read Joann’s post to busybee’s question about children? It made me feel better.
flora~Thanks for the post. The 1rst therapist we saw scolded me because the kids knew. What I read today makes so much more sense. Between yours and Joann’s post, I am having an aha moment. I do think age is important. How old are your kids?
Hi hadj608,
My kids are 3, 13 and 15. The three year old of course is not told much of anything. All she knows is that mommy and daddy do not live together anymore. And that is all she should know.
the 13 and 15 year old found out in the email. Of course the qeustion posed to me was what is sex addiction or porn addiction. I just explained that anything in moderation is okay; but when something rules your life and done too much; it is not. I said that addictions can be alot of things, shopping, drugs, gambling, eating etc. They ofcourse are mortified by it; but they should be. Its not normal, and I am not going to make it seem like it is. Then i explained that sa is going to try hard, go to meetings, etc. and try to get better; and we will see how it goes.
Had i had the choice; i would not have specified sex addiction; i would just have said addiction. But it did open doors as to why i would ask questions about inaproriate touching, creepy feeling from him, privacy, if they have been exposed to porn or etc. Because unf. this conversation has to happen, as a protection for them. They need to know so thay can know that if xyz is happening, that that is wrong and they need to know that they can tell you these things. this is much easier for them, if they know, that you know.
Granted the kids should only know when you are ready and have right thing to say. but I think they do need to know. If you want to do it in the setting of a theraspist that is good to. I think specifically NOT telling them, like the therapist said, is wrong. What if they are being abused of subjected to something else. You will never know if they are not told about it. This disease thrives in darkness. And unfortunately it escalates, and the further along cases usually involve kids and/or pedeofilia or other behavior which is illegal. So this put the fear in me. I can never be too safe as far as my kids are concerned.
And with many addictions the kids are not directly affected. But many times with this addition they are. Wether viewing porn in front of them, acting out in front of them, abusing them, involving them in porn use. etc. Typically many of these sex addicts start at a very young age. Some start with finding their dads stash, or they viewed porn with their dad. You just really never know for sure. Better safe than sorry.
If you read my reply to Busybee about her children I think it may offer some insight into any situation where children are at risk by having a parent who is a Sex Addict.
Heidi – I just read your story – and I swear, it could be my story. My SAH is a golfer (he admitted to masturbating on the golf course as a child in Scotland) and he is a software salesperson. Weird. He met his last “soulmate” at our local coffee shop (not on the golf course, but that might be the next stalking ground). He did exactly what yours did – came home and announced one day that he wanted a divorce – threw a divorce attorney card in my face (turns out that his affair partner wouldn’t have sex until he was separated). I reacted the same exact way as you (lost 35 pounds, worked on our marriage like there was no tomorrow, although he didn’t at first disclosure that he had a sexual relationship with his older woman “friend” (who he said was like his therapist). Weird. I guess we are real sisters. We also have four kids – all of which were so traumatized by all of this. They are 11, 11, 11 and 13 so they don’t know all the gory details – he only told them that he had one affair – although I think our eldest knows more.
My SAH, like yours, swears that he can control this – although I learned after the first d-day that it escalated from prostitutes to Craigslist ads, to affairs (emotional and sexual) – and it started even before we had our 4 kids (funny how I “forgot” about the love poems on his computer right after we got married that he talked his way out of by saying that his “love sick” secretary was stalking him).
I’m curious – what’s happened in the last 10 months? I’m trying to figure out what to do….so just wondering where you are in your journey with my SAH’s evil twin (separated at birth).
Personally, I hope you BOTH are on your way out the effing door! UGH!!! Enough already.
I loathe SA’s.
Want me to tell ya how I REALLY feel???? 🙂
It has been obvious through your other post that you had been through a lot. I can’t say I agree with ultimatums much. Everyone should have boundaries. In the case of 12 step meeting, I think you should have a personal boundary that he needs to WANT to go.. not just “go.” If he is still in denial about even being an addict, how will anything ever change? He is still denying and rationalizing. It seems like zero progress has been made.
I told myself (not my H) that he was an addict or an asshole. If he was an addict, I would try to stick by him if he seriously sought help. I say “try” because there no guarantee that all the help in the world would repair our marriage enough for it to continue. (all the kings horses and all the kings men couldn’t be humpty together again) If he decided he was not an addict and did not seek serious treatment then I was leaving that asshole!!! He never knew and still doesn’t know that I had made that decision to myself. I am sure he feared that if he didn’t do something, I would leave. But I never issued up an ultimatum.
I’d say the only “denial” he is in still is he insists it was not a “compulsion.”
I truly believe an addict needs to have small ray of desire to get better. And the first step is to admit they are an addict. Your husband hasn’t even taken the first step.
You must do what you believe is right for you and your children. However, until you have a reason to believe otherwise, I would do so with the expectation that he is not going to change.
Hugs,
Kim
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