Trying to be strong…

I’m sure that he IS feeling sad, but honey, its not YOUR problem. Its HIS problem, 100% and NOT your job to make him feel better! WTF??? He made his uhhh… bed (lame pun), and he’s gonna have to live with it and in it. Our anniversary was 8.21 and my h didn’t even ask me if I wanted to do something. (I also did not)

Honey, its okay to not feel like celebrating and its okay to be “cold.” If he’s sad and dejected, well, TS! And its also okay, to say fuck it and go out to dinner with him. You hold the cards with this one, so don’t back down out of fear. If he can’t handle it, well… that is HIS problem and also just another nail in his coffin. If he doesn’t get it, then he’s hopeless. If he cannot understand WHY you don’t feel like celebrating, and tries to make you feel badly, that’s NOT recovery! That is just more denial and its abusive. Recovery is him being able to empathize with your pain and understand and ask you what YOU want and need, from HIM.

As for “self-medicating.” A SA does this because of his feelings about himself. His feelings about himself are not your feelings. Does that make sense? In other words, it doesn’t matter what you feel about him, good or bad. None of that is what makes a SA act out. He may use you as a scapegoat, however:

“Remember, honey, the time you told me that I had some spinach stuck in my teeth?” Well, that made me feel badly about myself and I figured that meant that you weren’t that into me, anymore, which made me wanna seek out some other women to validate what a hot smexy stud muffin, I really am. That’s why I did it, but you know, I have always loved you, babe!”

its crap.

I think the timing of this retreat, couldn’t be better!

Love,

L

I don’t really have a problem with this one, z girl. It IS incredibly sad and you are doing exactly what you need to do for you.
After our first d-day, I told my h that I would not celebrate that anniversary day again, that an anniversary is to commemorate the commitment that two people made to each other on their wedding day and each anniversary is a recommitment of sorts. Looking back with this devastating new knowledge, that didn’t apply to us and I couldn’t do it. And when I was checking his computer after d-day, I found this on our anniversary date on his I-cal ” Marie’s anniversary”. Those two words on that date are forever linked to our story and that day for me now and I just can’t do it. He seemed sad, but accepted it. We have had three “anniversary” days since then, 25th, 26th, and 27th and every year he asks me if “I want to do something.” I say no, I don’t and last year I said….I don’t want a card, I don’t want flowers, I don’t want dinner, I don’t want wine and conversation. That marriage is gone, it’s over,it’s dead and that I would like to have a marriage where I can and do celebrate anniversaries and that’s what we are working on, we don’t know yet how that’s going to work out. Last year, he kind of teared up when I said that to him and he said , “It’s just really, really sad.” I agreed, but told him that’s a part of our story now and that we just have to accept it and I can’t celebrate it, too much pain and I want it to be part of my past, not my future. I have felt sad about it, but not conflicted. And I don’t dwell on his feelings, they are his to deal with and I remind myself of the reasons I don’t celebrate that anniversary anymore. And it’s okay:)
I know women who continue to celebrate anniversaries and are happy to do so and I think that each of us has to do whatever works for us. I think the anniversary bothers us the most if our feelings about it are conflicted, mine were pretty clear to me.
Sorry about this pain, zg, it does get better with time.
Love,
Marie

Julie,

Having anniversaries are not fun anymore, I get that. But I’m wondering if you just said NO and left it at that or did you explain to him why you don’t want to celebrate it?

The reason I ask is because what I have found in my SA (and he is working hard on his recovery and communicating well with me right not) is that they don’t get our emotions. They’ve never felt them, just never been there. So maybe if you had a calm quiet little conversation with him and explain how you feel and why, he might be a bit more understanding. yes, it’s still his fault that it is the way it is, but he needs to understand that this is a long healing process for us partners and it’s going to take a long time to process all that we have been through and begin to trust and love again. it’s all about understanding and I suppose none of them will ever get there, but you don’t know until you try.

I wish you well and hope that you start feeling better soon. Nothing worse than feeling down. Don’t worry about what he thinks, just be sure that you know he understands how you feel and why. It’s up to him to try to understand it. Maybe you’ll get lucky and a light bulb will pop up above his head!

Much love,

Claire

Hello my BFF and Soul Sister, 

I was actually going to suggest that if he was talking, say, maybe Ruth’s Chris steakhouse or something- MAYBE, you should go but only with the understanding that there will be no conversation between you AND you had a hot waiter!!! 

However, after reading Marie’s post, it really, REALLY makes sense! (God Bless Marie!!) and I really like her thought process and her approach. I am so happy that her husband is working so hard to resolve his issues and hopefully, keep this marriage together (even though it will be a different marriage, so to speak). I understand your SA is definitely not there yet (or even close in my humble [or not so humble]) opinion. 

I hate the thought of you leaving for our trip this wknd feeling so confused and sad, but then again, even if you “celebrated” your anniversary, chances are, you would still be left confused and sad! 🙁 

Just get through the damn day on Wednesday and get your ass to Indiana and we’ll give you enough love to last a lifetime!! 🙂

Thinking of you Zgirl, today and especially on Wednesday! Hang in there, Sweets!!!! XOXO!!!! 

Hi sisters,
Katt, I really think you are one smart woman. Good advice—be honest and true to yourself. And yes, why are we always picking up the pieces, as if we can make something of them?

Marie, your point about not wanting to celebrate the old marriage that is dead and never really was, sounds like what Katt is suggesting. No use picking up those pieces. There’s nothing to make out of them. If a “new” marriage is created, celebrate that.

But I don’t think SA’s let go of the ‘old” marriage. They are still in it. And it’s their safety net. We can try and change the relationship in many ways, but I’m thinking they remain in that first marriage. Because it catches them when they can’t sustain intimacy or truth or sobriety. I guess there could be exceptions, but I think when we stay in the first marriage, it’s hard for them to believe the point we are making. But, if we divorced the SA, so that they actually understood it was dead and gone, who would marry them again to start a “new” marriage?

I have found my “Old” anniversary to be a hard day. So I plan something in advance so the day is busy.

Hoping the judge will keep or increase that maintenance, NAP, in view of the situation your ex has put you in, that would be the best anniversary present:)
Love,
Marie

Tomorrow is today, lol!!! 

Nap, she really IS the sweetest person EVER!!!!!!! She just emailed me our “first communication” via private message yesterday and we were cracking up!! It was so cute! We had no clue who each other was but we knew we were cracking each other up on the site! That was many months ago!! Now, we text (hourly??), email, SOS, phone calls, send each other silly pics, mail each other cards and gifts, and FINALLY we are meeting in person!! Incredible! Like Zgirl, I soooooooo wish that every sister could make it!! We just found out yesterday that Heidi’s grandbaby has safely  arrived and so she will be able to join us as well!! 

Perhaps we should plan the next one a year in advance and give everyone the chance to get on board!! 

XOXOXO!!!

I was wondering about Heidi. I am SO EXCITED SHE IS COMING!!!! When is she due in??? Does anyone know???
B.

Hi NAP,

Just a comment about your anniversary nightmare…
First, I am so sorry I was so insensitive by not responding to your comment. I know there are times when we FEEL so sad for someone, or ANGRY for them, yet fail to record our thoughts and convey our compassion. I want to take in what you have to face that day…ponder it.
(TIME PASSES)
I am back, LOL. Really, as I think about it…you both walking into the courtroom, him trying to neglect you again, it is really a true picture of some characteristics of your marriage…such polarity…good and bad…nice and cruel. The day he chose to be your husband and the day he should be celebrating that union, he is trying to withhold from you, not protecting or cherishing you. Such opposites. That is the life with an SA…mountaintop experiences mixed with devastating valleys…up and down the years roll by…such confusion for us…the naive…the hopeful…the patient…the forgiving. They understand what they are doing (to a certain extent) but we will probably never understand. How do you understand the color red or the number 2 or the rape of a 6 month old child? I am sorry for any pain you continue to experience. YOU ARE VALUABLE NAP – I am so sorry more people have not made that perfectly clear to you more frequently through the years. Your h, such a damaged individual. So sorry. On that court day, I hope you can change it into a day of rejoicing because you are not with him permanently, a day to treat yourself to whatever brings you a smile, and a day to communicate with us…we love you! B. Trayed