My life in a NUT shell

Hi Heidi,
He leaves early and then TELLS you he is looking at porn? He sounds like my husband? Mine is also promising the world and alluding that it can ALL be different? Do I believe him? HELL NO. I am thinking of a little post nuptual thing myself as a guarantee for having to give anymore of my life to his insanity BUT I digress.
So I remember u mentioning your island ect. Is your primary concern financial? If so why not try to lure him into the divorce thing. Once you get what you want or need….then you can just stay divorced if you want to? If he will not go for that then you know you do have a battle on your hands and you then have to decide waht to do about it. As long as you are sure you are leaving if he doesn’t get better or serious about recovery (sure doesn’t sound like he is)…then you have nothing to lose by pushing for him to prove his sincerity by granting u the divorce on your terms? I would suggest he doesn’t have to go to therapy as long as he grants you the divorce. Hate to say it BUT sounds like screwing u in a divorce may be exactly what he plans….otherwise he would give you what you want? Karen xxx

So Heidi,

Are you saying you left the retreat early Sunday because you thought your husband might act out in retaliation? Maybe I am not following you…..? Karen xx

Dear Heidi,

And the ultimate “he will go have sex with someone else” I will let you in on a little secret? One day he will do that to you once too often. You will STOP caring, You will reach a saturation point of pain. When you do…he will lose ALL his power and be the big nothing that he is? I know this Heidi. I have lived with your husband. BIG HUG Karen x

Oh Heidi, ugh, I read this and think, can’t we just all have another big get together this weekend? Sigh…He doesn’t sound like he has much promise. I’m not great with the legal stuff at all, but from a “save yourself” standpoint, I love the idea of going through with the divorce and then starting over if that’s something YOU want. Although I say screw wearing the wedding ring. But that’s just me. 😉
Love you lots!! Julie

{{{Heidi}}}

I’m so angry at how you’re being treated right now, I’ll try not to curse to much 😉

Right, porn is no big deal…UGH!!

Seriously though, I think you are handling this very well. I think you have sat back and really put some thought into it and your plan sounds like a good one. Is there anyway to divorce him yet hang onto the health insurance too – my neighbor put that in her decree because his insurance rocked (military). I think wearing the ring gives him hope and you’ve given him plenty of that already…just a thought – but it’s a visual that will be missing that he can see (or not see) each and every day.

As far as the whole “forget the past”..D did that during his first false disclosure. Hello bullshit! I told him that there was no way I could forget the past, that I had to be able to work through it…and that was when I thought there was one online affair with some porn thrown in for good measure. Geez, I wish!

Actions speak louder than words, and when chose to leave to go watch the game, or whatever he was doing, he chose himself over time with your daughter. So, it seems like he has a lot of work ahead of him if he’s sincere about recovery.

I think you’re right in getting a second opinion, getting all your little ducks in a row and protecting yourself and your kids.

But, most of all – a big congrats on your grand baby!!!!

Heidi,

You are so lovable, and he has so mistreated you over and over and over again. It is completely disheartening. You deserve to be cherished, loved, treasured, valued.

I hope you can continue to detach both emotionally and physically. I hope that your strength continues to grow. You are such an incredible person…it seems like he doesn’t even know you.

As SS mentioned…porn, ok??? Lusting and masterbating to OTHER WOMEN…yikes…that sounds like foreplay to an affair(just my opinion).

Congrats on grandbaby!!! I am glad you got to be there for the baby! and at the retreat!!!! love, b

heidi so sorry i to know about paying the price. its more from my kids though, i think i know its from the way their father treated me. sometimes the apple dont fall far from the tree.please take care of your self we have all learned the hard way. unless we take care of ourselves we are good for no one else. i feel if we look out for us the rest seems to all fall into place. your kids are lucky they have you. kiss that new granddaughter, she is a gift. you now have a day to celebrate.
love kathy

Dear Heidi,

If you haven’t already (you probably have) please read up on narcissism and protect yourself. My husband is quiet and unassuming. As I tried to figue him out I kept coming back to narcissism but he didn’t seem to fit the profile of- in you face, over confident ect ect and he usually didn’t rage. I didn’t know there was a sub category? When I finally stumbled onto the shy narcissist I felt like it finally described him. He is seethingly passive agressive and needy. He also responds with anger if you call him on his BS. He too DOESN’T want a divorce and never did. He also loves to pay back or “get you” BUT mainly with a back door approach. He used those little girls in Asia to torment me for 4 years and I will NEVER forget what he did to me in there…behind my back but with my gut screaming? I can so RELATE to what Diane said about hearing the pleasure in her husband’s voice knowing he was hurting her. These men LOVE the game Heidi and that is exactly what your husband is doing with you. Playing a game. The talking in circles, the messing with your head, the BS, the back and forth, the dangling you on his string, the saying one thing and doing another, the playing with your feelings and the push and pull. It is all part of the game. He doesn’t think there is anything wrong with him because he actually DOESN’T think anything is wrong with him. As I understand it…that is the hallmark of a disordered personality…that they think everyone else is the problem. Your posts really bother me because I have lived with so much of what you are describing.Narcs don’t cheat because they are sex addicts usually( though it is possible to go together), they cheat because they don’t care about anyone else. They take whatever they want and they take it at your expense. He is playing with you Heidi and he still has you in his spell. Maybe I am personalizing this….but I don’t think so. Your list….that is a narc in my honest opinion and they cannot be fixed dear heart. I hope I haven’t said too much. Karen xx

I understand EXACTLY how you feel Heidi. It is exquisite pain coming to terms with the fact that it is “all about them?” I know the charming, kind side SO well, but you do have to admit that doing what he was doing at your family home is so so cruel and a kind person would NOT be able to do those things over and over? He has hurt you so much…what right does he now have to ask for your sympathy? That is the thing about them…they fuck up your life, they ruin everything, they then minimize everything they did by NOT taking responsibility and saying there is nothing wrong with them, usually they blame YOU or( in mine’s case) MY response as the problem, and it just goes round and round and when you CANNOT STAND another second of it…..then they beg, cry, swear to change ect ect and then the entire process begins all over again. Don’t you think?? 🙁 I think you know quite abit of my story? It isn’t pretty? My husband has actully said these words to me in the past “In my opinion, I thought you always made too big a deal out of things.” WTF is that Heidi?? I’m having radiation for 6 weeks. I come home for one weekend during that time. I arrive Friday evening and leave Monday morning. Friday before I arrive a hooker gets out of my bed. Monday night after I leave another one gets back in my bed- BUT he thinks I made too big a deal?? I rest my case. Karen xx
PS if you met him and you didn’t know ….you would think he was a kind, unassuming, self deprecating charmer who was CRAZY about me. 🙁