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Ok, I’m worried about my GPA. The program I want is very competitive and not getting a great grade on these classes will drag down my good grade point average.
I found out today that H spent the day with a woman from work. She travels, and he met her at her hotel, drove with her to pick up someone else from the airport (whose flight as LUCK would have it was delayed 2 hrs, or so he texted me) and then he went BACK to work, in separate cars from this woman, so they could both interview this person they were supposed to pick up.
Now you go figure. First, the company always pays for rental cars for prospective candidates so picking them up was really unnecessary. Second, why did both H and the woman go if the objective was only to get the candidate back to the job site to interview (1 hr ride). Third, H said they sat and waited for candidate in the cell phone parking lot (!?!? WTF) in her car (!?!? WFT) because it was hard to hear outside (WTF!?!) then just didn’t have time to have lunch with the candidate so they separated and the woman drove the man back to the site and he was on his way home. He decided that because I was upset he would skip the interview.
Now, two six figure executives necessary to pick up a $40K candidate in the middle of a workday when the second in comand to my H is currently in the hospital from a heart attack.
It is so stupid
But the kicker is one of the things we determined in counseling was a boundarie I needed H to observe was not to be alone with other women. H always says he never even goes to lunch with female coworkers because it may look questionable. Well, this is far from lunch, in my mind. H says I’m overreacting because nothing happened. I said it doesn’t matter at all what did or didn’t happen, he’s just proven he has no intention of observing boundaries.
And I told H I’m going to the attny tomorrow because she told me that having H admit he was alone with another woman, in a CAR, hotel room, residence or otherwise, was enough to have grounds for divorce, given his record.
He is scared shitless. I am too. But this has got to stop.
But it means not being around to complete the classes.
What to do?
Fuckin’ A! HE saw you were making some progress–art, school, planning to maybe travel a bit, so he sabotaged it. You know the answers to all your “why” questions. There was no good reason at all. For any of them. Whether or not anything “happened” is beside the point. He put himself in a completely inappropriate situation, one that is hurtful to you!
I don’t know how you handle these situations re school work. I tend to plow in and do better–somewhat spitefully. But I could see getting derailed temporarily. If you drop, the classes will still be there when the dust settles. It will just be a blip in the schedule.
DO WHATS RIGHT FOR YOU- fuck him hes going to do what he wants anyway. i would do what ever gets the most for you.
he needs to play so hell with it let him play, kill him with kindness they dont know what to do.I tried to kill him with kindness. It just screws with my head. Kinda like when you smile and then you start to feel better when there’s no other reason to. I’ve been acting like everythings so smooth now. I think I even fooled me I’d be ok acting that way til the school was up. I guess he just needed to know he could still get a rise out of me.
It’s all too sick.
Not being in a situation where he even has an opportunity for trouble is a perfectly legitimate boundary. How many promises has he broken? A lot. They live so “in the now” that they don’t even see how the accumulation makes it a very big deal. Even court gives stricter punishment for repeat offenders!
I wish I could give you a solution to your school problem. The courses you are taking are no joke. I can totally understand your concern with having to deal with school and the drama of your H at the same time. They (SA) are emotionally exhausting.
Can you put on an academy award performance and stick around and act totally oblivious? Let him think he’s getting away with murder and get all you can get there to help you. I’d bleed him dry then leave.
You have made it this far and you’re smart. Not to mention really gutsy for having done the AC thing. No matter what you decide, those traits are going to get you through this. Keep reminding yourself that one day this is all going to be a distant memory.
March, I think you’re dead on!!! Jealousy. He did say he was jealous I got to go back to school. I asked why he hadn’t then, all that time he was alone. He had no answer.
H comes down the stairs while I’m trying to get schoolwork done. Stares at the back of my head while I’m trying to set up my Blackboard accounts and take entrance tutorials.
Says “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you immediately about going to the airport with S.” Then says nothing else. I wait, I say nothing. He knows that’s not the issue, it’s that he was alone with another woman. He wants me to clarify that so he can deny it and I don’t.
H says “I am trying to do better.” I say nothing. We’ve had the “trying” conversation too. I am not your relationship boot camp. This is the real war, buddy. Everything counts, yes for real life and death.
H says “You are the most important thing to me”. I say nothing He repeats it. I’m sucked into it then because it’s so obviously a lie “Maybe in your head, but your actions continually deny that.” I try to turn away and H holds both my hands and won’t let them go.
H- “I am trying to tell you I am sorry” I said “ok”
H – “I just had all this stuff from the interview and that guy out with a heart attack on my mind and I didn’t think” so… here we go
Me – ‘That’s just it, all things we agree are conditional to you. When you think of it, you’ll do what you agree. If you think in THIS CERTAIN circumstance you don’t have to honor because you can think of a reason it does not apply, or can not think of a reason it does, or whatever you happen to need at the moment. So that’s how you justified calling whores 62 times while we’re married, going out with women from work alone, and on and on. I will not keep picking up the pieces of me you keep shattering, and gluing them back together. It’s over. I need me whole.”
H – “Ok, go ahead and abandon everything then,” and stomps up the stairs.”
God help me I cannot keep my mouth shut…
Me – “That’s classical passive-agressive. Just like you did to your first wife. You treated her awfully and then when she left you held her out to everyone as the one who abandoned the family. I don’t even care. Put me up there on the shelf with her, and the other ones I don’t even know about. I do not care what you call me. It’s over.”H stops and just stares at me. Gets tears in his eyes and just goes up the steps.
Is it over, then? Suppose the attny will tell me tomorrow.
It so needs to be.Lynn, I’m confused about the car thing.. Did your husband and this woman..and the candidate.. have to drive back to her hotel to get your husband’s car after they picked the guy up at the airport?
I still don’t really know because H changed his story a few times. First time, H said he followed her in his car, then when they got to the airport they got into her rental car (For what reason I still don’t know except he said they couldn’t hear their cell phones beause the planes were loud. I say, you’re there to pick someone up, and most people do that INSIDE the airport.) Then they met the guy in the airport, went back out to the parking lot and the guy got in the car with the woman who took him back to the place both the woman and my H just left (well, four hours ago) to interview him there.
H said he just drove straight home instead of attending the interview because I responded to his text asking questions. (Interviewing this guy at lunch at the airport was the reason he went in the first place, but H said the guy’s plane was delayed 2 hours so they had to wait … in the car ?!?!… til his plane touched down and then it was too late for a lunch interview so the took him to the production site for an interview.) I asked H if that had not been the plan the entire time, a 4pm interview, because i though he had mentioned something about that last week. H said yes, that was the original plan. I asked H why he was wasting everyone’s time, then H said, well I got to at least shake hands with him at the airport. I said ‘that doesn’t make sense, your boss and HR counted on your screening this guy. H said, they don’t really need me. I said ‘then why did you and @ have to both go to the airport in the middle of the day to meet him?”
Then H realized he’d just painted himself a liar and started reformating the story…
I was getting suspicious after the 3rd text H sent me about changes to his plans regarding this candidate’s meeting today. H never EVER gives me a play by play on workday stuff like this by text, he unloads at the dinner table. It was too much like ‘I’m not where you expect me to be because…” and I don’t even check up on him at all. So that was just a red flag and now I wonder if it wasn’t all just to keep me from being able to concentrate on something that actually MATTERS.
The crux of it is, my H and this woman disappeared for 2 hours. H is saying it’s because they were in her rental car at the airport. I don’t really care. Car, hotel room, etc. It’s being alone with a woman, which he agree NOT to do, and I was told if he admitted to that behavior it would be most likely be grounds for a divorce as it shows probability he had sex with her based on his track record.
Which makes me really wonder about this woman, because she’s the HR manager, and she knows that H is in treatment for SA. And she sat alone with him in a car for how long? Other than getting her jollies, is she trying to set them up for a sexual harrassment suit?
If she did decide to do the sexual harassment thiing it’d serve him right. He’d have a real consequence, That man has just put you through too much.
Oh I hate the spiraling arguments that get me nowhere but upset. It’s like a whirlwind and it sucks you right in. It is so VERY hard to hold your tongue.
Oh Fuck, Lynn. I really don’t know what to say, except I think your H is acting out to ‘punish’ you for having the balls to stand up to him. Please don’t drop your classes – I know it’s going to be HELL trying to concentrate on school when all of this shit is going down. But, you know what? It IS going down and the end result is probably going to be the same, DIVORCE. Don’t let YOUR future be waylaid by a desperate attempt to derail your progress. I know, easier said than done, but I say Fucking Show Him what you’re made of. He doesn’t even know who he’s dealing with – one of the most inspirational women I’ve met on SOS. Kick his ass, Love, Liza
Lynn,
It is one thing to stay and try to get through school…actually I don’t think he is going to let that happen. It is ENTIRELY another thing to stay and keep hoping for change him, dear girl? His story doesn’t make sense because he is lying…just as he has all along. Look hwo upset you are now. I suspect you are upset because in your gut you know he is playing you. I know you need to do things in your own good time but I worry about you because you are not detached from him. That allows him to hurt you and play with your head.It is of course your decision, but I am thinking you are going to have to find another oak tree sooner rather than later.
Karen xxI really did not expect change. However, I can’t let him just run all over me and pretend there’s no tire marks, either. Just calling a spade a spade. Which I know, is too much effort to invest. As I see it, H is not playing me, because I KNOW he’s a liar and there’s now way to expect truth from those lips. I’m just here to try to get my goals met.
BUT I did not think about this angle which you and March have made apparent, H doesn’t have anything to gain by my attaining goals, so he’s going to use his energies to prevent it. It’s already happened. My tuition payment was denied by the bank, I just found out we’re in the red (go figure, right?) and my classes were dropped. I had to go and argue the point and point out that my financial aid was supposed to be approved today, and got them to re-register me (1 hour of talking to 4 people).
I called today, financial aid is held up because they want a verification of tax information, meaning signed copies of 1040s and w-2s. I called the IRS directly for that information when I filled out the FAFSA because H filed them electronically, and, Guess what, he “can’t remember” where he put them! And so the financial aid will be held up til he does and they’re verified. Another week, minimum. I may not have to withdraw because 2 more days and I’m kicked out again for nonpayment. Going there tomorrow (again) to talk to the business office and try to stall them.
Sigh.
OOOHHHH,
I never mentioned that H did not mention this woman at ALL when talking or texting about this whole thing. He made it all out like it was he and this candidate only: “I am picking up…” “I have this interview…” “I’m having lunch today with…”
I knew that the woman had been in town on some other thing, and it just occured to me that she could have just as easily picked up this candidate and probably should as SHE’s the HR manager!! and the site was short staffed by the other man being the hospital so my H should not have left. That was why I asked H if she was there. It all blew up after that.
You are probably correct. he has NOTHING to gain by you meeting your goals. On the other hand…you have nothing to gain by staying if you are NOT going to meet them and look at all the stumbling blocks he is already creating? We often think we can handle them. We often cann’t Lynn. To do a BScN requires focus and lots of work. He can make it impossible to focus and just pretend he didn’t do anything.It would be so much better if you could just get some money out of him. SIGH See what the attorney says but if you are going to stay you HAVE to detach or he will make you insane with his disclosures and his antics and his lies and his fake promises and his constantly pushing back your limits.My guess is he is going to UP the antsy. What about just NEVER talking to him at all, now that the killing him with kindness technique didn’t work.;) Hang in there.
Karen xxUgh!! Trigger, trigger!! What a liar!! I’m sorry Lynn! I can NOT stand your SA. What an asshole! And a LIAR!! How stupid to text you an uncharacteristic blow by blow of his little scenario and raise a giant red flag! What an idiot! I’m sorry for your drama, tho. God, these guys just suck the life right out of us!
I’m not completely up to date on your school situation- but I have two thoughts –
1. Maybe all the signs and setbacks with the financial part of your classes is a sign…. Like maybe now is not the time to try to pull off these classes and expect to make great grades (that you need). Perhaps it’s a way to let you know that you need to postpone them for now until things settle down in your life.
2. From first hand and very recent experience- divorce is HARD! It’s sad, scary, ugly, draining, etc. It may be impossible for you to do extremely well (like we all know you CAN) while going through a nasty divorce. I love the pep talk from other sisters and totally “get it”, but realistically, trying to juggle both may turn out to be impossible! And you need to be on your toes for both events equally. I think it should be done one at a time. I believe you were going to try to do that. First the degree and and THEN the divorce? But now, he is making it impossible to stay in your current situation? So, it needs to be divorce THEN concentrate on classes? Would this be possible? Again, I think I’m missing a few details. I remember at one time reading that for certain you wanted to be sure this MF had to PAY. That he wasn’t going to get away Scottfree… Now, he has made you so miserable – you are ready to get out at any cost?
Am I correct on any of this? Just trying to help but I have been in and out of the loop! I need refreshed!
I do hope though, that YOU are the one who gets out and SOON at any cost! Your health, well-being, sanity, heart, and soul are the only things worth saving!! Thinking of you and sending positive energy and love your way!!
Lynn, is there anyone family/friend that you could borrow the money from until financial aid gets in? Since its to be paid so quickly, maybe a family member has a credit card you could put it on?
Hi Lynn,
Please keep your classes and plans if you can. Go see your lawyer too. You’ve got gumption and keep using it. It’s rare and you’ve got it. These guys love to sabotage us in any way they can and will if we let them. As far as his elaborate airport story, I think he left work to fuck somebody and made the whole thing up. Mine used to do the same. Stick to your guns Lynn.
Love, NapDoes it seem like a common theme here that when ever someone has something good going for them, their h fucks it up? I think they cannot stand for us to have anything good happen. My h is definitely jealous, and as I said before he makes me “pay”in someway when I get to do something he doesn’t. And apparently that meant acting out too.
It just seems like as soon as someone on here starts to sound stronger, the shit hits the fan and they get thrown back down to the dungeon. They like us there. control.
The poor poor addict is addicted to treating us like shit. but please understand….it’s a disease and you should feel sorry for them.And what is the deal with those husbands who are now divorced loosing their jobs and hitting bottom? Is it because they lost control of the person they used to justify everything bad in their lives? They don’t have their rock to kick around anymore and they don’t know what to do? They actually had to look at themselves in the mirror! No wife around to blame?
The thing is we matter way more than they believe. And that is why they get uneasy when we do something that makes us independent or stronger. It serves them best if we are weak and dependent.
Would it be a shock to learn that part of this aliment is that deep down they take sadistic pleasure in having a loving, caring person in their life that they can destroy? And being mr. nice guy is part of the facade? Thats what I am starting to believe.
Lynn and everyone. get stronger. take control of the finances, look at them everyday! Take over the house, stop needing him. Take those classes, get that job, call your friends and make plans. We need to stop wasting time on their fucked up world and start making ours better and in our control.
Bottom line is they know what they are not supposed to do. And they do it anyways. I have a 12 month plan to get myself free.Heidi,
Great post and very well said and true! Thank you. I’m happy to hear you’re working on ending your nightmare. Youre really neat and really get it. I hope the building thing works in your favor.
Love, NapSL, and so many of you are right. I’ve NEVER had such issues trying to simply sign up for classes. It may be a sign. So I’m going to go drop the classes today.
Will return the books I paid around $500 cash for and make a “Continuing Education Fund” because my LPN licensure renewal is this spring. This has opened my eyes that H might find a way to make us “in the red” when those fees come due, too. They’ve phased into all RN/BSNs at the hospitals and doctors offices, etc. so finding an LPN job is tough and the hours are atrocious. That’s why I want to go to the RN/BSN classes, as well as saving my credit hours from expiring (who thought up that concept, it sucks!?)
The attorney said this morning that the evidence from yesterday is good, but without some email or text or something showing them romantically involved it’s still not enough to win the divorce. That feels like a bait and switch to me. She’s gone all cautious so there must have been changes in the law or a case she saw go down that changed her mind about the local judges propensity to be stricter on SAs. Or H slept with her. (sad attempt at humor) Glad I didn’t plop down the $1,500 retainer for that information.
I’ll focus on the art.
And TRY NOT to speak to H. I’ll have to starve us both, him for attention and drama, and me for any hope of a normal life. Back to waiting and watching. I “found out” about two more phones H has at his disposal. And H mentioned last week that the IT guy “accidentally” destroyed all his emails at work from 2008 forward. I’m sure his ‘accidentally’ doing that, and H accidentally using phones I’ve never seen to text me was not so accidental. Just H’s way of letting me know he’s got more ammo than I do. Never dreamed when I said “I do” that the artillery was all aimed in my direction.
It’s this, I think that’s hardest: having to watch for evidence. I’d rather just not think about it at all. Knowing he knows I need it and he can do stuff like the texts yesterday and taunt me that it’s right outside my reach. I am beginning to think this is why he was so pro homeschool when we met. I have a 10 year old with me 24/7/36 which severely limits whatever checking up I could do on him and keeps me completely honest (important because he thinks I size up people in bars to sleep with when we’re out).
Yet he still begs every night for the chance to win me back. And texts me sweet messages through the day. And wants to pray with me every night. Can’t figure out if he’s trying to fool me or himself that he’s still the good guy.
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