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This post is from Lila
Hi,
I am going to post a new topic here…I’ve been trying for days.I joined very recently…after waffling back and forth for some time. What finally did it was that I had emergency surgery on Jan 6. I was sore in the morning, by noon I was in pain. By one I was screaming. I went to the emerge, was given meds and by 9pm they were offering me the choice of surgery now, or try antibiotics and have surgery in the morning.
I had lower R sided pain that they thought was my appendix…but after a CT scan…it wasn’t my appendix, and they weren’t sure.
We were in a rural part of the province, this was the only part of the holidays that all 4 of us were together (me, 2 kids, and SAH). And there was no family around, so I was alone in the hospital.
The next morning they did an exploratory laparotomy. They took out my R fallopian tube…which was “as black as your hair” it had become necrotic, I had had a significant amount of bleeding that they had to clean up.
I am getting pathology back on Tuesday.
From what I’ve been told there were lots of adhesions, and things got tangled up. Apparently these adhesions come from STD’s that go undetected, that climb up the reproductive track and nest somewhere and cause havoc.
I have had a rough few weeks. I am upset, sad, angry, hopeless, hopeful, oblivious, silent, loud, crying…Well, you all know.
So I joined SOS…because I am tired of bottling it all up inside me. I am tired of talking to a man that isn’t home. I am just tired….
Of course, in addition to the other STD he gave me…something else would happen. Something else would go wrong with my body…and it would be in my reproductive system.
Thank you all for listening to me.
xxLila
I can post new topics here with a bit of ‘slight of hand’ and some smoke and mirrors.
So I posted Lila’s story here so she could get some support for this very serious issue.
Dearest Lila,
I am so sorry that you must suffer both physically and emotionally from this destructive issue of Sex Addiction. I am sending all of my best energy to you.
What type of STD (s) has your husband given you that you know of? I am only a nurse, and not a doctor, so I cannot make any diagnosis, but I can make some suggestions if you can give me the information.
Do you know why you have the adhesions? Have you had some sort of pelvic surgery before? Any infections? Any other STD’s in the past?
Are you still living with your SAH? Are you still having sexual relations with him? If so, are you requiring that he use condoms?
Please know that we are all here for you now, later and certainly during this time until you get the pathology report.
Feel my light, know that you are not alone and let us worry with you. It will make your burden lighter.
Be strong my dear. This will pass and things will be better.
Let us know what you need.
Much love ~ JoAnn
Lila,
I’m so sorry for your pain and health concerns. It made me very sad to read your story and I can understand all the feelings you are having right now. It’s so unfair. We love and trust our h and they not only do what they do behind our back and then they put our health at risk. I personally think it’s criminal.I’m happy you decided to join SOS to help you with all of this. It’s alot to keep to yourself. I’m glad they found what it was and got it out of your body. So traumatic and as a fellow sister am here for you in any way. Thinking of you at this difficult time.
Love, Nap
Thank you dear Lila, for the raw honesty of sharing your story.
A part of me wants to scream and rant but only because my heart is breaking for you.
I just can’t imagine the sense of violation you have. It’s like being invaded and raped and poisoned all at once. And it strikes at the symbol of our procreative ability, with an ugliness that hurts to read about.
Why can’t these people understand they have no right to do this to us? They have no right. They should be criminally liable. And the marriage relationship is what gives them opportunity and some kind of perverted permission. They turn the relationship that we entered in order to love and be loved, and make the instrument of destruction. It’s a kind of terrorism. I am just so upset and enraged.
Lila, you know you are more than your fallopian tubes, but they are a part of your being you had a right to be protected from this outcome by your life partner. You had a right to expect more from him. I wish you kept that fallopian tube and put it on the table every morning while he ate breakfast.
I’m so glad so joined us. We share your outrage but we also reach out to you with a long hug. I know that you will make it through this. We will be underneath you each step. I know these women. We will be there for you. Draw on our energy. Count on it. No matter what happens remember that we believe you will make it.
But don’t be surprised if a lot of us want to string him up by the balls.
lots of love,
Diane.Lila,
I too, am so hurt and angry for you. Before I even read the other responses, I was thinking, “there’s GOT to be a way this could be criminally punishable.” It’s an outrage and a heartbreak at the same time.
As the other ladies said, we are here for you in any way possible. I know just the idea of being free from bottling things up can be a huge help.
Much love and support to you. Hang in there!!xoxo Julie
Dear Lila, You have read enough of my posts to know that there is no way I can be calm or helpful in terms of your husband…not at this point and probably not at any point. But I do care about the way you have been violated and am very glad you joined us because we understand the utter insanity of loving these creatures and the love that sometimes lingers ,even when we should have got a gun and blown their head off instead. When you feel better and stronger…and you will…I would be REALLY curious what explantion or reactions you get from your husband in view of the fact he can hardly deny making you so ill? In the meantime, rest, heal and know we are all behind you in your struggle? Sometimes they leave physical scars, sometimes psychological, sometimes spiritual, sometimes emotional and often a combination of all. But they always scar you Lila..one way or the other. BIG HUG Karen x
i posted under the other post thought i would move it here-
lila im sorry for all this shit . i know it feels like it will never end at times. i can tell you do what ever you need to do but dont bottle it up, it will eat you alive. i to did and do the same thing, and i have been trying very hard to not to. we need to express our selves and they need to know. mine does not hear a word i say but i find when i express my self i hear myself better, it give ma a chance to get passed it. maybe for a moment but its better than bottling it up. be good to your self and let your body heal. you are the most important person in your life. i know its hard with kids but if we are not healthy we are good for nobody
much love kattHi,
Thank you so much for your support.
To answer some of your questions – He gave me herpes. Now because of the adhesions, the surgeon thought that I (at some point) had an untreated STD-most probably chlamydia. I don’t have any history of endometriosis, and I had extensive pelvic assessment when I was trying to have my kids, and I did not have adhesions at that point (they are 6 now). The surgeon said this type of issue affects 1/500000 women, it is rare, and STD’s/cancer are the most common causes. Given what he saw, he was leaning toward STD.
I live with SAH, but we are separate in the house. There is no intercourse. I touched his hand today to demonstrate something to the children….I don’t even do that anymore.SAH stopped having sex with hookers in late February of last year. He had had sex with 50-100 women. Plus seeing strippers, massage parlours, internet porn, and blowjobs.
I do feel like his actions fragmented me for a long time, and I feel very violated and hurt.
He didn’t get what the surgeon said, so I had to break it down for him. Then he said he was very sorry. But I never assume that he’s going to be conscious for very long.
And it’s true…I thought about suing, criminal punishment, the violation, the feelings of being raped and gaslighted. I think that I have not felt like a woman – a glowing and vibrant female- in a long time (I’m too tired!) and the fact that they had to cut out a part of my “womandom” was kind of a horrifying affirmation of everything that has happened here.
Thank you for listening to me….
Lila
Dear Lila, I’m so sorry to hear of your health struggles. I truly can relate; I’ve had my share of std scares thanks to my SA. Just know that YOU will come out OK. At some point, however, you’ll have to decide whether it’s worth it to stake your health – indeed your life – on the actions of another. After way too many years, I’ve decided it’s not worth the risk. I’m thinking of you and sending your strength. Love, Liza
Oh Lila what an ordeal! I am sending thoughts and prayers your way. You have a lot of recovering to do. This makes me want to scream!!! He should feel bad about this for the rest of his life, but your right – he will cope with his ugly self by minimizing. The lawyer I interviewed said it is a big deal to the judge if he does something that would expose you to std’s, or put you at any risk – he said guys who chase around and not use condoms is considered abuse.
Here’s a thought. Ask your dr. to explain to you sah exactly why this happen. Hopefully the doc will be stern. Do it just to have him humiliated, and you vindicated. Cause if your h is anything like mine, the words will just travel into space and be ignored. Have the doc give it to him.
And also ask the doctor now (while it is fresh in his mind) to detail out why you had to have the surgery, and give you a copy. It would be really cool if he could get you and your h to sign the copy-make it like it is some form that needs signatures! This might come in handy sometime – you never know. (for your peace of mind, child custody, black mailing you sah etc)
hugs
HeidiLila, I am hurt and horrified for you. Wish we could all be there to physically see you through it. But sending thoughts and prayers your way. Love Heidi’s idea about signing, etc.
Lila, I know you feel as far from that vibrant young woman you were as you could feel. But she’s still there. You haven’t lost her for good. With a sense of personal safety, a caring therapist, and distance from the insanity of the SA, she will come back. You will remember yourself and recognize yourself again. Not exactly the same, but you, nonetheless. I didn’t even hope to find myself again. But I came back, just like the Crisco oil—all except one tablespoon. (okay that commercial really dates me)
Is it possible for you to leave your SA? or ask him to leave? Can you support yourself? Or are you trying to stay together for now? Is he is a program/working with a therapist etc? Does your family know?
lots of questions, I know, but they will help everyone to know what to suggest and what ideas to share.
hang in there, it’s good that you told.
DxoLila,
I can’t even begin to comprehend the level of your pain and loss. Like the others, I feel so much anger for you and your situation. Nobody deserves to be treated as you have and suffer the consequences you have. All for no greater “crime” than being a good wife. I have days where my view of humanity is so negative. But I can come here and see the good in humanity. People who, in spite of their own pain and loss, show so much selfless compassion for others.
Love and hugs, KimLila,
I feel like your personal story has taken us to (unfortunately) a new level. Perhaps a new level of IN OUR FACE understanding of the many risks we face in living with/being married to an SA. Ugh. I am so very sad and sorry you are going through this. Thank you so much for your brutal honesty and know that we feel your pain and will be with you every step of the way! I am included in the “club” of partners who have contracted an STD from my “EX” (it feels so good to have that abbreviation) SAH. Mine is the permanent kind. Sigh…. Please take care of yourself and do what’s best for you!! Personally, I think what has happened to you is unforgivable, but that’s just me! I support you in all decisions! I will help in any and all ways possible.Taking that first step and getting it out there for the sisters to analyze, offer suggestions and support, and be in your corner is the best thing for you at this time! Please keep us posted and let us know what we can do for you!
Love,
SL
Lila,
I learned that there is such a thing as “rape by deception” meaning that a man has intercourse with a woman who has asked about STD’s, lies that he has had a clean test and not been with anyone and then has sex with her. It is hard to prove, and hard to litigate, but has been successful in a number of cases, last was 2009 in the US.
A man who has STDs and has sex unprotected with a partner who he does not disclose to has violated the law. Depending on the state, it can be assault.
The law does recognize what you have been through as criminal.
We all recognize the pain and loss you’ve had to bear and ache for you. I am sending prayers for healing for your body, peace for your heart and mind, and protection from your H’s behavior from this point forward.
Lila, I am so sorry. Sending you much love and support. You’re in my thoughts and prayers.
Love, Annie xoxoDear Lila,
It takes a lot of courage to post a situation like this. I admire your courage and want you to know that I too am outraged and horrified that you should have to go through this suffering. I wish you healing and strength to cope. Keep on sharing. We are all here to listen to you and support you.
LaurenbutterflyHi Lila,
Are you saying that they have been able to confirm what they suspected caused your necrotic tube is indeed chlamydia? 🙁
did they do a biopsy? oh lila I am so sorry. I hope the treatment is fast and easy, you deserve a break.
Hugs
HeidiDear Lila,
Your post is safe with us. What can we say to make it all go away? If we could, we would. It is a horrible, and unforgiveable thing he has done. I am sorry for your suffering. Truly sorry.
Lila, I pray you find strength and clarity you need to deal with this health issue. May God’s strength uphold you right now.
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