sex after recovery

Hi Katt,
I have no idea. but i think is similar to a comment someone else made in another post. About how with a sex addict, they never are dry per say…they are still allowed to have sex and masturbate (i think) as part of healthy sexuality. But what is healthy, where does one begin and one end.

You see shows where the spouse may want it 5 times a day, and the other once a month, and the therapist says well we must bargain and try to meet sexually. But is five times a day not over the top?? I think it is. However therapy does not say what is a normal amount, it is whatever your needs
are.

And the comment as well, a drug addict does not do a little drugs, they stop all drugs. Alchoholic does not drink a little, they stop all together. So one wonders with sex addiction, and continued sex, do they ever really get into a safe recovery mode?

So brings me to also following up katts post, What is normal? And what to expect?

Decision vs feeling???? What kind of crap is that? No romance or passion????
“Simple” sounds like a “sweet” duty or chore, sort of like doing the laundry. Ahhhhh, the stuff that dreams are made of. How depressing! Now I know NOT to recommend that book.

Well I already had all the sweet and simple boring sex in my marriage to the SA. I would be disinclined after enduring this whole thing to end up no better off.

I mean, how are they going to keep me down on the farm after I’ve seen Pareee!? What I have now with my new man is far far more fun, way more intimate, yet also tender.

HOnestly, “a decision”, “sweet and simple”???? Have you ever heard such patriarchal crap in this day and age! As if what WE want sexually never enters any of their heads. We don’t exist. We aren’t real people. It’s just about them them them. Their penises have been naughty so no whipped cream on the jello….forever, for either of us!

That 12 step recovery scenario is a complete fairy tale with this addiction, precisely because sexuality is a part of our essential humanity. Smoking, drinking, drugs, gambling, shopping etc. are not. Sadly, these guys show no capacity to have adult relationships of mutuality, freedom and respect. You can put lipstick on a pig, but it’s still a pig.

Oh, I can’t wait to hear that one. Please do share march.

Okay, its time for a review of the “recover Diane” project for our sisters who are more recent. If you already heard me talk about this, please ignore.

Yes, anniem, I was just a disaster area by the time my SA had finished with me. I was miserable looking, so stressed, unhappy, beaten down, like an old haggered sexless bitch. Yes, they are very thorough in robbing us of everything. I wept remembering that I used to be beautiful (okay not a model) but I was beautiful and happy and optimistic. I thought he had taken it all, but then I realized that I could recover myself. So I launched my project with a photo album with pictures of myself when I looked good and happy. No pictures of him. Just me. I looked at it again and again, and eventually I stopped crying when I looked at it, and started smiling. I was coming back to myself. I went to an doctor and an iridologist and put a program together with medication and supplements. Things began to change. Of course he was not living in my new place so I didn’t have any bad energy around me. But people began to notice my face, and the light in my eyes. It was different. I could see it in the mirror too. I was recovering myself. It can be done. You are still in there. But you have to go in and get yourself back.

Oh, I don’t have the book with me at the moment, so I can’t quote, but the gist is that ‘when his wife was young and beautiful’ she wasn’t enough for his lust, so how could she ever be enough for his lust as she aged and no longer had that young body? To wit, he had to let go of lust so that he could make love to her [you know–in that simple way that doesn’t include romance and passion] and be satisfied. The end.

I kept thinking about how my own “lust” isn’t always about outward beauty. I lust over Lyle Lovett, my shrimpy but adorable Advanced Addictions professor, and Robert Redford as he is today! Lust isn’t JUST about the body for me. I want my partner to feel passionate about me–to want to be romantic, to–yes–sometimes lust after me. Even when I’m 80. These men are stuck in adolescent black-or-white thinking. Stunted.

March – Funny, that is just what my counselor re-inforced to Steve. He said his wife has had children, as most of us have, and has the scars to prove it. He finds her more attractive than ever, and went on to say that real love is about finding your mate beautiful – even in the aging years when the physical characteristics are fading. You are so right -these SA’s are in an arrested stage of development. All they have to rely on are their air-brushed made up fantasy women to give them the high they need. My therapist also told me Steve is on an emotional level of a 5 y/o.
I told him today, for the hundreth time, I am sick of his control issues. Grow up and be a man. I may have 10-15 yrs. left on this planet and I am going to be happy with or without him – up to him.
JoAnn – You were so right when you said those nasty personality disorders are horrendous. I think about you all the time and feel both of us are settling for less than we deserve. I hope you can be happy with that – you obviously have adjusted. Me, I am not doing as well. Maybe, someday!

Anniem, I’ve had countless moments of what-the-fuck in the mirror over the past three years. When you feel like a zombie, you’re likely to look like one. After a couple of years of eating sugar-free ice cream for dinner every night (because I couldn’t work up an appetite for food), not sleeping, constant adrenaline overload, and overwhelming grief–no wonder! But like Diane said, when we start picking ourselves up, taking care of our basic physical needs–eating right, exercising right, treating ourselves to pretty clothes (and perfume), we can get the brightness back. My nails are growing again. My skin is looking a little better. I don’t want to worry about aging, so I remind myself that I had my turn; now, it’s my daughters’ turn. Now, I want to be fit, and I want to keep my brain operating. I want to continue to try to make a contribution and to let my outsides be a reflection of my healthy insides. One step, one day, at a time.

Sharron,

I know how much you struggle with what you want and what you need from Steve and I am so sorry for that. All of our decision are so complicated.

But I would like to let everyone know that I have not ‘settled’ I have exactly what I want and Larry has become a man that I can be truly happy with.

It took 3 1/2 years of us living apart (over a year 2,000 miles apart and 1 1/2 years 450 miles apart). It did not come easy and I continued to live apart until I felt that Larry had made enough progress for me to feel comfortable with his commitment to recovery and for me to have worked through my own trauma (4 years of counseling).

I understand the reality of living with a Sex Addict, but we have enough years under our belts and have worked through two episodes of him veering off the straight and narrow, but both times he was able to control it and not go any farther than viewing porn.

I can live with that. But he knows that if it ever did go any farther, whether it’s next year or twenty years from now, we are done.

So, I do not feel that I have settled, although some may disagree. I feel that we have managed to work through a horrible experience and have come to a decent relationship based on reality rather than fantasy. I feel that that is more than many people have in their relationships.

So, bottom line–if I had to ‘settle’–I would not.

Pam,

I could not have explained it any better.

Damn we’re good. Why the hell isn’t anyone listening to us?

March, “when you feel like a zombie, you’re likely to look like one.” Damn.. that makes a lot of sense. And Diane, Sharron, and everyone.. thanks for your encouraging words. Really gave me something to think about.. this whole ‘sunken dead eyes’ thing that I’ve got going. That’s it, isn’t it? The light just goes out of us for a while, and we can actually physically see that in the mirror, I guess. xoxo

Good for you Sharron! I think as you get back to doing things that YOU love you will find yourself again. For a while we all lose ourselves and become consumed by their story and forget our own.

I think that’s natural because, let’s face it, their story is our story, like it or not.

But, after we stop reeling from the shock we can regain our stability, pick up the pieces, put ourselves back together and take our lives and our power back.

That’s when we begin to heal. That’s when we find the strength and courage to make decisions for ourselves and stop wasting our precious days worrying about THEIR decisions.

And, as we heal we slowly regain our self confidence and the realization that we no longer have to live their tragedy. We don’t have to continue to carry their burdens. We are each given our own life lessons and we are only responsible for our own.

As humans (especially as women) we generously offer to help those with burdens heavier than our own, and that compassion is a wonderful trait.

But, if we overload ourselves with the SA’s trainload of baggage, we will wind up old, worn out, angry, cynical and unable to function in our own right and they will never learn to sort through their own baggage and get rid of their junk.

So, you go girl. Get out there and dance. Dance for joy. Dance for having lived a long and meaningful life. Dance for all those patients you have helped during your career. Dance for your beautiful children.

Dance for the beautiful, caring, compassionate woman that you are.

Dance because you can.