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Dear Sister,
Most of us have followed your struggles with Steve over the past few months and we have seen your enlightenment and your stumbles–just as we see them in ourselves. But, lately I have become a little confused about your situation.
You have filed for divorce, yet I see you making statements as if this period of time until the divorce is final is like some sort of trial separation.
I have been divorced twice, have known many people who have gotten divorced and I have never seen that type of attitude.
The time for ‘working on things’ is during a separation, or, while living together but contemplating a divorce. In my mind, once the divorce papers are filed, that’s it. It’s all over except for the formalities. Everyone moves out, moves on, start dating, and just wait for that final decree.
I just wonder if you are sending mixed messages to Steve by saying things like, ‘he has until August to prove himself.’
I would think that if you are not sure that you want a divorce that you would not have filed. Do you think that maybe you filed to try to give him a ‘wake up call’ that you were serious?
Just wondering. Thoughts anyone?.
Sharron,
I agree with JoAnn, you have taken yourself out of the divorce realm with your attitude of watching and waiting and observing for positive changes and by agreeing to work with him on intimacy. Those are not divorce words. You have every right to do that, but I agree that it is important to understand yourself and where you are in the process.
Your friend,
MarieOh good idea. Keep it in one spot.
In some of what Sharron is saying i get the idea that just maybe the divorce was filed so he could “hit bottom”. Just a potential for that, not sure.
I never got the answer to one question (sorry I ask so many) in who delayed this divorce. I think that it could be key aspect to the goings on. So Sharron who delayed the divorce? I am curious.
I hope you are okay, and don;t think we are ganging up on you. But that is what the sisterhood is for. Support is what I like to call it.
Sharon,
I understand what you are feeling. I felt a lot of the same things between filing for divorce and the court date, and my ex was giving no reason for me to be encouraged. It must feel in some ways like a stay of execution. It’s OK, I think, to go through whatever process you need to. You don’t have to decide now. Take a breath, as Joanne would say, and see if you can calm yourself a bit. Not easy, I know. It doesn’t have to all be figured out now. See if you can pause for a minute in trying to second guess Steve. I know that is hard. See if you can center yourself just for a minute or two once in awhile.We’re with you.
Polly
Flora – In answer to your question. The divorce was set for June, and then my attorney E-mailed me that she is going on vacation and will not return until Mid July. The court was notified and the case was put back on the docket for August 28th. That was not my doing, but in the midst of all of this here comes Steve, AGAIN, with wanting to get a new therapist, wanting to try EMDR, promises of doing everything to re-build trust, etc. I had every intention of going through with the divorce until that happened, and then I fell right back into old habits.
JoAnn – If I filed for divorce in hopes he would hit bottom, I am not consciously aware of it. I fully intended to go through with it and meant it when I said it.
If you will all read my post under Sex Addiction, maybe it will clear some things up for you. I took the test Debora suggested, and it was very revealing. Obviously, although I have the insight into my behavior, haven’t been able to change it. I am at a loss as to what to do now. When it is involving Steve, I can’t seem to make consistent decisions and stick to them. As I said, hopefully, my therapist will help me get over this nightmare. Right now, I feel like a total failure. I feel like I am as sick as he is or I would be able to get over this nightmare!! I wish the divorce had not been postponed – I was ready to do it and Steve was leaving me alone.
Thanks AGAIN for you all staying with me.Sharon,
You are not a failure!!!!!!! You will figure it out. Cut yourself slack,girl. You loved him, you’ve been through a lot of trauma, you are confused. Rest from it if you can.
Polly
Thanks Polly – It really feels like that right now.
Love you for your support.Hey Sharron,
You are a good egg. These guys mess with our heads so much we can’t see straight. Don’t get down on yourself; you are only human like we all are. Just be aware, your thinking may be compromised right now re: Steve and try not to make any big decisions right now if you can. Maybe tell him you need to take a break from seeing him for a few weeks to take a break for yourself. You’re going to be okay and please take good care of yourself.
Your friend, Love NapSharron
We are never failures in this battle, we do the best that we can, make the best decisions we can, in the face of almost the impossible. Any wife or partner who even tries to stick it out with their SA partner, shows such bravery! Remember, you have been brave Sharron.
However, I think Joanne does raise a good point, 🙂 divorce should mean that you are done with each other. I do hear of some couples who remain friends after a divorce. But that is usually after some time down the road. I think for any of us (staying or going) second thoughts about our decision come up all the time. For those of us staying — what if I left last year, where would I be now?? For those of who have left- what would my life be like if I stayed?? we drive ourselves nuts.
I always try to remember something Joanne said, it may never be %100 sure. But sometimes 60% or 70% works enough to make a decision. You made that decision to leave because overall, Steve was not progressing enough for you to feel safe in the relationship. He most likely won’t be too different if u hold off on the divorce, neither, is my bet. They always seem to get better when we are heading out the door—and then put the breaks on as soon as we walk back in. I don’t know why it works that way, but it does. don’t let second guessing and the love you do have for him, make it seem like it is going to be different. just remember why you did it in the first place.
Sharron,
if you are a failure then that means that all of us are failures. There is never a failure in loving someone, even if the someone is a nut job, like Steve, but yeah– he’s messin’ with your head.
He is who he is.
(((hugs)))
L
PamC and Nap – Thanks. I can’t help but beat myself up – I know better. They do always seem to get better when we are heading out the door, and then put the breaks on as soon as walk back in. I certainly agree my thinking is professional would see this as totally dysfunctional behavior on my part. I just have to get a handle on it, and I will – am just very slow at resolution.
God – I can’t even type tonight. My post should have said that any professional—-
Yes Lexie – they all mess with our heads – now I just have to figure a way to get him out of my head.
sharon please give your self a break, i see such a change in your posts the last few days. sometimes when i let my feeling get the best of me i go back and read my own posts. its funny how as we reread them the lights go on. just a thought maybe it will help you the same way
please know you are loved and i know that many times we all wish that life woulda, coulda.shoulda been differentmuch love katt
Katt – I will go back and read my posts. I pretty much know what I said and how I have been totally inconsistent with my feelings and decisions – back and forth. Just
need to get a handle on it!!
Love you.Oh Sharron— when you find out will you please clue me in? Just last night I had a vivid and I mean VIVID technicolor dream with Predator and his partner who is an actress and by coincidence, I was in the audience watching her perform and she was absolutely amazingly talented and they were both so blissfully happy and in love– and then predator saw me there… (I was just tagging along with my girlfriend) but thought I was there to do him harm and started berating me in public. (This is actually much closer to the truth.)
Even in sleep there is no peace. 🙁
Lexie – they say dreams are simply working through the garbage and frustrations in our life. Sounds like you have not resolved your feelings towards him. In your dream, what did your’e predator do when he saw you. Obviously, it is still bothering you that he can be happy with someone else?? I don’t remember dreams on a regular basis, but when I do I am working through issues in my relationship with Steve, or have nightmares that he is continuing the lieing/deception and I feel horrible. Ya, there is no peace!!!
Sharron,
At least one positive thing, you are being completely honest with your feelings as you post them, even when they are changing back and forth. I know in the last several years, months, whatever, I have literally changed my mind about staying/going on an hourly basis! No joke! It’s such an emotional rollercoaster- this life with an SA, and it’s easy to find yourself going back and forth with it as many times as they act out! One minute, you want to see them through this, the next you want to wring their neck. We have all been there. At least you don’t try to pretend or cover up your feelings as you feel them – you just put them out there. I would think somewhere in there, that should be considered healthy. Especially when it’s a safe place like SOS where you know you won’t be judged, just loved and understood. I think at some point you, me, and all the other ladies come down to decision time- and only each of us knows when that time has come for our own personal situation. Perhaps you are simply not there yet?
Hugs to you and thinking of you! XO!Sharon when you get this whole thing figured out will you put it on a recipe card for me! I wish it were that simple. Thats why this site helps so much. No one really understands the way we all do.
One thing seems to be consistent amongst the wives here, we are all super nice, devoted, selfless care-taking fixers. I think if you had to profile the wife of an sa you would come up with the perfect spouse. We are worthy of so much more, if we can ever get past the fact that there are some people we can’t fix. And damn it I like to fix everyone ~ it’s what I do!!!I saw a lawyer yesterday. It was a good move, he helped alleviate my concerns with some of my assets, and what my h is not entitled to.
Unfortunately he is retiring soon. He did add that my h’s cheating was the worst he has ever heard of though, so I guess he gets that trophy. He said he has seen marriages end for so much less than what I’m putting up with. He did not know much about sa and suggested that my h was just a hound dog.~so why do we stay? If you would have asked me a year ago what I would do if I ever caught my h having 1 affair and I would have said “kick his ass out”!! Now I have the most gruesome reality I could have ever imagined staring me in the face and I am full of uncertainty!
I’ve been reading your posts Sharon and I totally get your roller coaster. There is no recipe for this.Silverlinging – You are both such wonderful women, as we all seem to be on here. God, we put ourselves through hell, don’t we? I, like you, have changed my mind so many times. You are right – there will come a time when the decision HAS to be made. The roller-coaster ride is no fun, and we do it to ourselves.I have always been one to put my feelings out there. That part is healthy, but hanging on is not! In my mind, ultimately I know what the outcome will be, and August will definitly have to be final decision time. I will NOT let it go past that. That is four months away, and I am not holding onto any miracles here – they just don’t seem to happen with an SA.
hadj608 – I would bet everyone of us are “Caretakers” to a fault. It would be interesting to see how many of us are in the health care profession, or some area where we are “fixers.” That sounds like a good question to pose to everyone. How many of you are?? I remember when I was married to my husband of 28 years, his therapist told me he see’s more Nurses in his office than any other profession for that very same reason. I love what your attorney said about your’e husband being a “houndog”. I am sure most attorney’s would say that our SA’s are the worst cases they have ever seen!
We will all get there, but the pain for us is tremendous while going through the process. I appreciate all your support. Isn’t everyone on this site wonderful-just think what it would have been like to go through all of this alone. Thank you JoAnn for providing us the opportunity to share and not be judged, and thank you both – you guys are wonderful. I have the hope and assurance you will get there as well. It does take so much out of our lives, and we don’t deserve it. That is why a point comes in time when our hanging on is not healthy, but you are right we all have to do it in our own time.
Love you guys.Hi Sharron,
Sorry I didn’t reply sooner. Our kitty went ill suddenly and its been a tough day. I hope he’s going to be okay.
It doesn’t bother me that predator can be happy with someone else. not at all! I never should have met him in the first place because he already HAD the somebody else and other somebody elses too and he was just using all of us. I truly feel for her, but her mind can’t accept the reality of who he is and what he does and so the only other solution is to vilify me.
but… of course, its not quite as simplistic as all of that and henceforth comes the conflict as expressed in the dream.
Hi Lexie – I hear what you are feeling. I work through a lot of garbage with Steve in my dreams. I sometimes wake up with that sinking feeing in the pit of my stomach that he is
conning me again. During waking hours it just doesn’t feel that way. I know this sounds totally off the wall, but I see this man I am married to as such a different place. Am I seeing a true picture – time will tell. Steve is so different than so many other SA’s I see on her, in that he really wants to change, but usually they just can’t.
I am still pissed about him reading my posts on s.o.s., and what disturbs me is he started reading them before he knew I had a “dancing date.” I could understand him wanting to find out more about that, I probably would have done the same thing. I told him previously, that I did not have any intention of dating. But, he checked before knowing that, so it is definitely a big red flag.
Hope you are doing well in working through your’e demons – sure does take time.
Love to you.I think there are different types of SAs in terms of the aftermath of recovery.
1) Cindy’s type who clearly doesn’t want to change and doesn’t want to fight for his relationship which really sucks on a lot of levels and is particularly painful.
2) JoAnn’s type who is truly doing his best to do the work and walk the talk. And sure, he might have the occasional slip, but then he jumps right back onto the recovery wagon. (probably the most rare type too)
3) Diane’s type who appears to be doing the work, but the underlying narcissistic personality disorder is so prevalent that he was actually “nicer” when he was a full-blown SA (if that’s a fair assessment)
4) The type who continues to maintain that he does’t have a problem and then just continues to act out, because this is what ALL men do and it is NORMAL. (Predator)
a. subtype– he admits to the problem (reluctantly) and gets some help, but still acts out and hides it.And then, there’s Steve… I’ll be nice and won’t call him my pet name today…;) I see Steve as the master con artist… That’s what all the stalking’s about. He uses that information to become whoever YOU want and need him to be and he’s really really good at it. So, while it “appears” that he’s doing the work, I’m not convinced that he really is… I actually believe that its all part of his particularly insidious con. Now, of course— I’m not there and I only know what you are telling us, and maybe it appears like he wants to recover and maybe he’s even CONvinced himself that he wants to recover, but I don’t think he really does.
I think that it must be so difficult for you, because I am sure that underneath all of the crap, he has some nice qualities; most people do and I’m sure the frustration level must go through the roof when its realized that he’s still faking just about everything that he does. (((hugs))) L
Dear Lexie:
Thank you for reminding us–of the ultimate con game the addict plays with themselves, and in turn, us. Those sincere heart felt moments, therapy and meeting attendance, money controls, whatever plugs are in the dam, I cannot really argue that many of these guys show they are “trying” on some level. but that is the MOST MANIPULATIVE part, isn’t it? Because it gives us hope, which often times, disappoints and proves false.
To shed some personal light. My SA attended a meeting last night. He said the thing that scares him most is this, most of the guys were in late 40’s to early 60’s, already lost their wives, had ALREADY been attending SAA, and still bottomed out, lost everything, etc, and STILL they are at it. This is the norm, not the exception. While I know the SAA people say that bottom is different for everyone. Yes, this is true. But an addict can choose his bottom, and stop, if he commits to recovery at any stage. Many of the men in my SA’s SA meeting, said they thought their divorce was bottom. It wasn’t — they continue on. While I am not trying to kill anyone’s hope here, I think what is prevelent needs to be talked about.
Steve is not done. Even if he thinks his. more than likely. SAme for mine. I think mine almost desperatley wants to stop. But is sooooo damaged, life without his addiction/medicating is too terrifying. He literally cannot handle life sober/ deal with emotions, or cope on an adult level at any time. I blame his sicko mama for that. can’t help it. love to all.Dearest Sharron,
These are confusing times. I understand how after working so hard to see our lives clearly and honestly, we slip into the fog of “maybe I don’t know what I’m doing after all”. I certainly do. JoAnn has to tell me to put my big girl panties on, sometimes.
Here’s what I invite you to consider…
I think that sometimes the SA uses the marriage emergency as a de-focus for the hard more important work that he has to do. If he just stayed with the program of his own healing, there would be more integrity to this scenario. He doesn’t need you in order to his own work. He doesn’t need to be married to be whole. The greatest emergency in his life is not being divorced by you. It’s being an SA. Changing therapists and trying different therapies is not your story—it’s his.I don’t know what the future holds for any of us who are leaving behind the men we loved and the relationships we treasured. I only know that we are leaving behind everything that wasn’t real about either of those. That’s our story. And we have to do our work too, in order not to fall back down into the hole in the sidewalk.
Walk down a different street. You’ll have company.
love you,
D.
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