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My “husband” is void of any human emotion aside from anger. I’ve never seen him react to anything, nor has he ever shown true remorse for what he’s done. Sorrow..what is that? Talking to him is like talking to a wall; never a reaction unless something irks him.
Now, all of a sudden, whenever I say ANYTHING, he responds {in his usual dead, monotone voice with the same dead, blank stare} “I’m sorry you feel that way”. Or, “I’m sorry that you are doing this to yourself”, “I’m sorry I have hurt you”, “I’m sorry you cannot get past it”, “I’m sorry that you continue to upset yourself”. He sounds like a friekan robot that has suddenly been programmed to say these things that he has never said before, and obviously doesn’t mean at.all, since it’s spoken with as much sincerity as a wet mop.
Do they learn this in the SA meetings? Or from a sponsor? This is more maddening that the blank stare and silence…I’ve never heard of this type of response being taught at a meeting, but, since there are all kinds at these meetings, who knows?
Some of the responses are extremely passive/aggressive, and you should respond that you are not doing this to yourself, you are responding to what he has done. You are not upsetting yourself, you are upset over what he has done.
Larry is also big on the ‘I’m sorry’ responses, but if pushed to offer the rest–such as, okay, if you are sorry, what is your plan to correct what you are sorry for?
I’m sorry should mean that they feel true remorse over what they have done, have empathy for your feelings, have a plan for never doing it again and have a plan to make it up to you.
Usually it’s an exercise in futility to expect any of this from a SA, but, at least you can call them on it.
mine too like a robot mine doesn’t even show anger funny i lost it the other night and told him i cant do this anymore, i want to go back home to my family, friends,my life i didn’t give it all up to move here to be alone i cant have friends because im afraid of what he may do, i sit here day in and day out waiting for a partner that doesn’t exist then i really looked at him and said forget it im talking to the wall. i deep down do believe he feels nothing i keep reading that SA is a way for them to manage their emotions but maybe some are this way because they have no emotions and sex and their d**k are the only thing they do feel
hurtheart,
more like something his therapist taught him about communication and ownership. also they may not be teaching him this at the meeting, but someone may have shared it with him, about what has worked for them or what their therapist said. Might be being passed down the line from someone else.Hi hurtheart,
My husband came back from a workshop 6 months into his recovery and for the first time I started hearing, “I am sorry for the pain that I have caused you. That must have been really difficult for you.” Said often, said without emotion. He had to have learned it there. The way it was delivered wasn’t helpful.
MarieOK, I really feel like this is sssssooooooooo freaky.
I have often thought that my husband had these “canned” responses to me.
HurtHeart, What you said your husband has said is the IDENTICAL THING word for word, that mine has said.
What the heck is that. It makes me feel like this is so surreal. Am I dreaming?
They respond with such a robotic like method. I just look at him. I try to look deep into his eyes to see if their is anyone in there. There is just something really weird. How can there not be emotion there? What happened?
What really makes me sad is that it took something this traumatic to happen to finally make me see it for what it really is.
Was there never emotion there? How could I have wanted to see emotion from him so bad over the years, that I would make myself believe it. So sad that I had to be hurt to this level before I could open my eyes.
Is it really like this? I know that my heartache is real. Why would I even need to question myself in the face of such pain.
It is crazy. Why do I keep looking for something that is not there? And why can’t I let go?
While our trust was smashed to smitherines (sp?), we are sisters who gave our marries all that we had to give. So, I think we can’t let go of the hope we put into our marriages. In many ways, it is like my dear mother-in-law who is crushed by what her only child has done. However, she loves him and hopes he will change. She can’t let go of him because he is part of her. In many ways, our SAs are a big part of us.
It is sad for us, but understandable, I think.Lou,
Your words really hit me.I keep wondering “Why, am I so hooked by this? Why can’t I let go?” I have some people ask me “Why can’t I move on?”
I have not been able to find the right words to express what it is. I think you hit the nail on the head with your analogy of your mother-in-law.I did give my marriage everything that I had. I do love him and hope that he would change.
He is a part of me. That explains it. That is why I can’t let go.
We get mad at our children at times to. But I would never let go of them.
So this is the balancing act that we have to navigate. I have been dedicated to this man. I have committed myself to him. If he really has a sickness, how do I leave him? What does it say about me? Am I the selfish one? How do I just stop caring now? I have to balance all of these things with caring for myself as well.
Soooooooo hard.
Hi All – My husband started with an act of remorse by reading an attonement letter to me while in L.A. at a 2 wk. out-pt. trt. program. There was no emotion in his voice, and I would have thought he was talking to a neighbor. That was in October, and he is still spewing the words of how sorry he is that he has hurt me. (Even sheds some crocodile tears now and then). But guess what, he is still acting out and lieing. This has been going on for three years now.
SA’s have no ability to show empathy, and they’re words are only what they think you need to hear. Or, they may have a slight feeling of remorse, but only because they have been caught, or are continuing to have you catch them acting out, and they most certainly don’t want to lose the security of a marriage/relationship where they can continue posing as “normal” to the world. Indeed, they’re responses are robotic!i
Cindy1111 – the emotion you were feeling was the love you felt for your husband and the trust you had in believing he was someone who would be the last one in the world to hurt you – it was definitely not coming from him.
Why can’t you let go? That is the answer we are all looking for, and sometimes it takes a while to sort it all out. As JoAnn said – They should have a plan in place for it never to happen again and show TRUE remorse for what they have done.
Even if they have a plan for it never to happen again, most SA’s are not able to maintain it. You will see him cycle with his addiction to the point that you can almost plot it on the calendar.
You are looking at years and years of therapy in order to see any type of recovery for him. – and you probably won’t. That is the sad part of all of this. We get hooked into change and hold onto that small ray of home that they will. My opinion is don’t waste your time unless you are prepared to experience more and more disappointment and continual frustration in your life. It is a long road to commit to. I think when you get your belly full and realize this unfortunate realization, you will be able to make the decision on whether to stay or leave. In the meantime, get some individual counseling to help you resolve this thing that you did not sign up for. It may take a while – it has for me.
It is really difficult, sometimes, to weed out the truth from the deception, but again look at the behavior not the words.Dear hurtheart,
I have been thinking about these so called ‘apologies’ and here are my thoughts:
“I’m sorry you feel that way”. Or, “I’m sorry that you are doing this to yourself”, “I’m sorry I have hurt you”, “I’m sorry you cannot get past it”, “I’m sorry that you continue to upset yourself”.
In these types of apologies there is no regret for the actions undertaken. This is an “I’m sorry that you didn’t like what I did, but I have no regrets about what I did” kind of apology. There is no admittance that what he did was itself wrong, and therefore he expresses no repentance or remorse for those actions.
That’s a curious word isn’t it – “repentance”. It means “to turn around”. The thing about genuine remorse is that it is often accompanied by repentance. Once you realize that what you have done is wrong, you set yourself to the task of never repeating that error. But this isn’t about “I won’t do that again because it got me into trouble”, it’s about “I won’t do that again because it is the wrong thing to do”. Real repentance isn’t just about expressing regret, it’s about genuinely not wanting it to happen again.
These types of apologies above don’t recognize or accept the need for repentance.
Finally, there’s this kind of apology (which we are all waiting to hear but most of us never will):
“I’m sorry for what I did. It was wrong. It was unacceptable. I accept full liability for any consequences. I will endeavor to make sure that it doesn’t happen again, because such actions are simply morally unjustifiable. What do you want me to do to make things better?“
This is a real apology. It expresses responsibility, remorse and repentance and more than this it accepts the consequences of the actions that necessitated an apology and doesn’t try to hide from them. Such an apology is really, really hard to give, because it is a complete expression of vulnerability. To make such an apology is to put yourself entirely in the hands of those you have wronged. You rely entirely on their mercy and grace to move forward. You don’t try to provide any excuse or explanation, you simply put your hands up and accept whatever results.
I have gotten that apology almost every day for a year. I still can’t move on because I feel I have unanswered questions and he “can’t remember”. Am I wrong?
Lylo,
Yes that would be phase 2 of what i needed. But if you want to know…then you want to know. There is no right or wrong. If you asked the questions and he cannot give you a truthful answer or an answer, then there is nowhere to go as far as i am concerned.And the i can;t remember is BS. once my husband came home from his meeting with his therapist. I asked how did it go? his answer was “good”. I asked what did you talk about he said “I cant remember it takes me so long to figure out what we talked about”. He just got home from the session!! I never got an answer. I don’t remember is like saying “i will try”, it means nothing. Its an easy cop out.
So when he gives you answer like i can’t remember, i think it is BS. just like my story was. I am starting to wonder if it is a passive aggressive thing. So he is giving you the apology, then asks you what he can do to make it better? You tell him you want to know xyz, and then he says that he cannot remember. He is refusing to give you what you want, but not outright by saying no (something you could comprehend and deal with), which is the PA. They never tell you no, they will just never give you want you want. Hence the I can’t remember. And it results in the crazy making feeling you are having. Thats my thoughts.
He keeps telling me it was so long ago (yeah ok, it was) that he doesn’t remember if (one of them) had sex or just messed around because he had been drinking. I focus on that one incident because I have a hard time believing that you wouldn’t know for sure if you had sex with someone and if he isn’t truthful about that then maybe there is more that he hasn’t been truthful about.
Flora, it seems that your husband is like a kid when you ask them what happened at school that day. “Nothing”. His progress is too important for such a lame answer and he’s not 12.
yes i know and that is why after a year of this bs i will soon be filing for divorce. I can understand if you are getting postive feed back from them, but I am just getting nothing. Not even close to what I ever needed. He just does not want to put forth the effort.
You could alwasy try hypnosis???
See if he goes for it. If he does not, you know the answer. There just may be things he does not want you to know. Then you have decide if you want to live with that.
i do know that a lie detector can be beat, and he may actually have convinced himself or beleive that he does not remember. I asked my husbands therapist about the lie detector test. He says they work but they have to be pinpoint questions, versus a broad global question. So asking if he ever had an affair – lots of options, when, where, who. But they need to more specific like did you have sex with my sister on friday type of questions. Otherwise there are many loopholes, takes, directions on a broad question.
Dear Flora,
I have been reading about personality disorders lately, in particular, sociopathic personalities. Sociopaths can pass lie detecter tests fairly easily. I think many SA’s either are sociopaths of some degree, or have anti social / sociopathic personality disorder. One of the main characterstics of sociopaths is their lack of empathy for others, and the ability to lie. Personally, I think lie detecters probably aren’t very helpful for us, because they can pass. I think our intuition or gut, is the only real gauge to measure them by. We just need to trust it. And not listen to what they say. look at what they do. And if we think they are lying – then they are, because our gut says so. then they are guilty by our gut/intution until proven otherwise.
I find I don’t even call him on all the lies, I just know that he lies and distorts in varying degrees. I just say – You are lying. Until you can tell the truth we will not do x, y, z. I stick with my gut until he busts. And that’s on the lies that really bug me. The smaller lesser ones, I let go and just know that he is full it and make a mental note. I don’t believe they will ever be 100% truthful. I believe it is impossible. And if you want to stay married- well, welcome to liars club. There will be more. i believe their damage and lies can only be managed, never cured or totally removed- for me- lying is too ingrained in his personality. I think he would cease to exist if he stopped lying/distorting. It’s that bad. I think there will always be lies of varying degrees. Hopefully never to the degree it was in the past. I hope for improvement at best, total recovery, impossible. But that’s my situation and expectation. I know we all are in different stages of this horrible mess. I wish you well on your journey for the truth.
JoAnn…Thank for responding. As I said in the original post, it’s as if he is a robot that was programmed to say these things, or a parrot who is just mimicking something another person said. There is no validity to any of it, nor is there any genuine regret, sorrow, remorse, or human feeling. This is why I always usually refer to him as my “THING”, rather than my SA or husband. Because to me, he is a THING; he looks human, acts human on the surface to most of society, but underneath it all he is an empty shell is capable of feeling nothing..aside from the euphoria of ejaculations he gets from wherever and whomever he can get it with.
As for the other discussions on this thread, my thing is the same way. He will never tell the truth. He still lies when I have hardcore evidence directly in FRONT of him. The “I don’t remember” card is one of his favorites.
Last night I decided to flip the script on him. As he babbled his new and highly inane “I’m sorry you’re hurting yourself” crapola at me, I turned around, mimicked his blank stare, and said in a voice as monotone as his.. “I’m sorry I ever met you. I’m sorry I ever married you. I’m sorry that you are a disgusting piece of crap. I’m sorry my daughter has your DNA. I’m sorry I ever touched you. I’m sorry she has to call you DADA. I’m sorry you’re such a monster. I’m sorry that you continue to say ‘I’m sorry’ like a friekan demented parrot because it’s just plain SORRY”.
He didn’t like that too much.
hurtheart you said it all lol did it feel good or like with them did you feel nothing im so sorry for you and your situation you are in my thoughts be strong
Hurtheart…I continue to think of you. I also have questions and get the “I can’t remember that long ago” excuse. I even play the “I can’t remember game with him sometimes. Drives him crazzy…..
Hurtheart,
I am crackin up over here. Thank you for making my night. I love your monotone response to his babble. I would love to hear about the rest of the story. You said he did not like that to much, but what happened?
Like many of you have shared. My husband has a very selective memory that he is willing to share. If I ask a question, he might answer with the typical “I don’t remember”. To which I try breaking the question down a bit. It goes something like this:
“Did you have sex with her?”
“I don’t remember”
“Ok, well did you kiss her”
“UMMM I think so”
“Ok, were you naked with her?”
“I don’t remember”
“OK, did she touch your private ?”
“She might have”
“OK, she might have, your not sure?”
“Yea, I am not sure.”
“OK, did you touch her private part?”
“Well, I might have”
“OK, so your not sure if you touched her?”
“Well, I think she might have touched me, and I might have touched her, but I put a stop to that immediately. I asked her to leave my hotel room.“Oh, well than, you my dear are a hero”
NOT!!!!!!And I am suppose to believe all of this? If you can’t trust yourself with the truth, well than you obviously are not going to trust me with the truth.
Let me know when you are ready to face this demon that you are dealing with. And forgive me that I can not feel sorry for you that you can’t seem to face yourself. I can not make this go away for you. I can however, demand the truth. I can protect myself from being lied to. I can protect myself from your inability to be compassionate regarding how denial affects me.
Hi all,
I dont know if Im the lone ranger, but I dont want to know it all. I realize it may be healing for some. I just sorta take what I know and multiply it by 1,000 and figure it all lumps into the file of: “this is so unbelievably horrible i could puke”.
I dont think Im in denial, just my brain cant handle too much more BS. Before discovery, I didnt know when he lied, in fact never even thought of him as a liar. Now, after discovery, when he lies, they stick out like a sore thumb-so obvious.I’m with you NAP,
I realize some people do seem to know everything, but I don’t want to know any more. I know enough to know what I”m dealing with, and I don’t want anymore images and words of this addiction playing in my head.
We each have to figure out when enough is enough—and I’m talking about information disclosure here. Knowing your limits isn’t about denial, it’s about knowing your limits.
peace,
D.
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