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So, I’m about to turn 39 on Friday and it’s depressing me. Not because of the number, but because of where my life is right now and WHY it is where it is. I hold many regrets for having chosen this THING to be my husband, and the father of my child. When I look back at all the possibilities I had at the time, I want to kick myself in the ass for picking him. If only I had known then what I know now. I never expected my life to be filled with sunshine and rainbows 24/7, but I certainly did NOT sign up for THIS. All the betrayal, lies, deceit, cheating, emotional abandonment; that’s just the tip of the iceberg. He came into my life and painted it black. Every picture is tarnished with his disgusting actions; every memory is nothing more than a painful reminder of what I have lost by trusting in this piece of crap who didn’t deserve even a moment of my time, let alone years of my life.
5 years ago, this spineless perverted bastard proposed to me on my birthday, and if I could have one wish this year, it would be the ability to go back in time and say NO NO NO {but somehow still have my beautiful daughter, so I guess I would need 2 wishes} to him and his proposal of love and eternity when he never intended to give me anything but lies and a broken heart.
Sorry, just needed to vent.Hurtheart-I am so sorry you are in pain. I think we all look back and think ” how could I have picked him.” I feel everything happens for a reason in our life, but sometimes it takes a while to figure out what it is. I will be thinking of you on your’e birthday – try to find just one little positive thing on that day, and I know you will make it through it. You mentioned your’e daughter, and she is certainly a reason to feel some happiness. Maybe she is just that purpose that was meant for you.
Love and hugs.Heart, what you wrote, I’ve been feeling and going through the same thing, except for the “marriage” bit, I, too am dreading my upcoming 40th birthday. Except for my beautiful, beautiful daughter, who I think is the most wonderful blessing that came out of all this, this is not where I wanted to be at 40!
Not only that but significant Holidays as well (I started a thread way back regarding Holidays and keeping oursleves pre-occupied.) I often said that one day, I wouldn’t even care that he’s not there, but as at now it’s still very difficult to keep upbeat during supposed celebrations.
Either way, HAPPY BIRTHDAY HEART!!! I wish you peace on this special, special day! Although we need to party! Forum Birthday Party for Heart!
Hurtheart,
Happy b-day and to a new year for you. I see you looking back at everything as a dissappointment but your daughter is a blessing. Are you starting over or waiting it out?wishing you well, maybe we should have forum b-day parties!?!?!? Put b-days in our profiles.
HurtHeart,
Happy Birthday hun. I can understand its maybe not going to be the day you would like it to be, but try and be good to yourself in any way you can.
I know how it feels when you say he painted everything black. I;m still feeling like that, will probably feel like that for a long time. He just f*cked over every single part of my life. Not one thing has been untouched by it. Make new things for yourself that are painted your favorite color. Not easy to do when feeling so down, I know, but in a few months you can maybe look back and see things are a bit brighter..
Hurtheart,
I have pain in my heart for you as another year passes and you find yourself in a bad state of mind. Sometimes everything feels so heavy and we wonder if we will ever find our way out of this darkness. Your birthday is a wonderful day, a time of celebration for you coming into the world. Your special day was further blessed when your husband proposed to you. I know that at the time, that was a good thing. Try hard to keep that memory for what is was. Try hard not to let what you know now to tarnish that memory. What you experienced was real for you. We did not know what was in store for us later in life. Do not rob yourself of the good times because of what has been exposed now.Let yourself learn from the experiences that you are going through. Even though what we are learning is hurtful and painful and we would not choose this, it is where we are.
Please try to be happy for the birth of you!!!! You are a wonderful person. I can tell by your spirit that you are a dear friend. You have been awakened by some tragic events. This has set you on a new path. Allow yourself to be the NEW you as your birthday arrives.
Hugs,
Cindy:::hugs:::: Thank you so much ladies. I have been trying so hard to keep my head up. I have experienced much heartaches in the past 5 years, and then to have found out that my THING was committing such horrible acts behind my back since the day I met him has just smothered me. I just celebrated my daughter’s 2nd birthday, which is always bittersweet as it’s the same day my son passed away {she is a twin}, and now my birthday looming which is also bittersweet due to this person whom I allowed into my life.
My situation with him is difficult, for due to the financial mess he put us in, I cannot leave at the moment, plus, I am having an overdue knee surgery on March 3rd. I know feeling sorry for myself is not healthy, but having to look at his face in my tiny house every day is so draining. And, as I said, everything has been tarnished by him; he let nothing get in his way of hookers and porn and abandoning me, down to when I was on bedrest in the hospital with the twins, and even on the day they were born, as he left the hospital room that night to go meet up with a hooker, and wasn’t even there when they came into this world.
You guys are my strength right now, and I am sorry that ANY of us have to endure such heartache from the one person who was supposed to love and protect us.
From the bottom of my heart, thank you.Hurtheart,
He does not deserve you. I was on bedrest as well, but can only imagine what you went through with twins, and that he did not show up. He has not respect for you, your kids or life. I hope you put together a plan. I understand the pain you are in, I was like a deer in the headlights for the past year, remained in a fog until a couple months ago. That is the only way you can survive when you are severly unhappy. You can’t let every little thing or big thing bother you, because you can’t do a thing aobut it. Just think that every day that goes by, is another closer to freedom; even though you may not know when that day is yet. But it is coming closer. ((((Hugs)))Dear Hurtheart,
So sorry about all the suffering in your life, especially the loss of your son. ALWAYS here for you…please know that you are not alone and your sisters and I care for you very much. Do you have any other support?It’s Friday (well, at least here in the Phils.) Just want to greet our friend @hurtheart A HAPPY HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!
I wish you peace, STRENGTH and happiness on this very, very special day! I pray the day when you can change your name to healedheart or even better, happyheart!!!
Love,
Carol (banshee_05)Happy Birthday Hurt do something for yourself today no matter what its your day go for it in a big way
love kattHappy Birthday Hurtheart (((hug))) I hope you will enjoy your special day.
Praying that you will find the guidance, wisdom and healing you need soon and feel joy and happiness in your life again.
Much love to you, Morti x
Happy Birthday!! Give yourself permission to put all of the bad stuff aside for your special day and just enjoy!! XXOOLylo
Happy Birthday sister HurtHeart.
I hope you can set aside the “stuff” and take a few hours to yourself today. I’d recamend a piece of ridiculously calorie laden cake 🙂
(or two..i have cake issues 🙂 )Be nice to yourself.
Starry
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