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Dear Lynn,
When I wrote my post I thought I made it clear that it isn’t a longterm solution so I didn’t intend it to be a relationship strategey… I intended it as a way to prevent him being able to walk all over you…because thats what you said you needed? A way to prevent him walking on you WITHOUT getting sucked into long talks that feed his need for attention…attention you didn’t want to give him because his behavior doesn’t warrant it. I didn’t realize u were looking for a form of detachment that was beneficial to the relationship because I thought you were trying to leave the relationship? Also…I didn’t suggest mental torture on a daily basis. You mentioned that you wanted to know how to detach if you were pretty sure he was acting out….without feeding into his drama, but also without allowing yourself to be a doormat. I responded with that scenario in mind? And Lynn…I am not divorced or getting divorced anytime soon…but I am also not living under the same roof as him. 😉
I think JoAnn is quite right. Detachment happens over time…as the disappointments build up and the hope you have for the relationship ever being good ..die. I think it is about falling out of love. You begin to finally accept that they are not who they led you to believe they are and you are not really capable of loving who they turned out to be. You may still care about them, you may have a long history and family memories and things that are joined in your lives…BUT you no longer look across the room at them and Thank God they chose you….you no longer feel the peace of knowing you found your “one”. You accept that you didn’t. What you then do with that information is a different choice for different women.
I think Diane is right. Perhaps you are not quite there yet…as in ready to leave this relationship.Why do I say that? Because you need another polygraph to prove to you what you already know on some level. Because you still need to try to work through what is truth and if there is any hope left.There is nothing wrong with that but it requires another approach, other than just waiting it out to leave him? And the only other approach I can think of besides detachment is going back to the therapist, re engaging in the recovery process and waiting longer to see if your husband will change in any way. One thing I would not do is play the divorce card unless you are really sure you are prepared to go through with it because it is the final consequence.
Other than that…I don’t have anything brilliant to add. I do what is best for me after trying all the other methods and getting nowhere but really upset by him continually crashing over my boundaries. Once I figured out that he was continually not respecting them or me….I found another way and it has worked better for me.
I hope you can find something that works for you too and I am sorrry that you are hurting, Lynn.
Karen xxHeidi, I do think the definition I have is healthy–now its just about trying to BE healthy! It helps me to know what Im striving for, even as I fall short of it. What I DONT want to do is lower my ideals simply because I cant always live up to them–I think all of us have experienced living with people who have done that. It’s okay with me if Im not perfect–easy to cut myself a break, as Im going through hell.
I vacillate between what I think of as detachment and unhealthy attachment, but Im working on it. 😉
March, the way you describe your interactions with your h sounds pretty healthy to me–I wonder would you still say you love him? I think some of us are struggling with maintaining detachment WITH love and others might be talking about after the love/relationship is done. Still others might not think it is possible to detach and still love.
I dont think love and attachment are the same thing, but that is a whole other topic. Or maybe not, maybe that is what this whole string of posts is about…I just want to add my support for you Lynn, as I can feel you are hurting and stressed. If my words are not helpful please just let them sail on by. I am a little confused now by what exactly is happening in your life, but it appears that things are escalating for you and there are many decisions to make. It is hard to keep everyone’s current story straight, so please forgive that I’m not quite keeping up with developments.
Are you needing less specific suggestions right now, and more a sense that we are standing with you? Because we are standing with you and we know you are going to make it, and end up with a good life. The heartbreak is real, but the sharp edges do round off a little with the passage of time.
Thinking of you with only good thoughts,
D.xoClean slate= impossible unless we get amnesia. I think the best we can hope for is different than what we have now, with someone we see as changed. So the question becomes one of understanding or forgiveness. If he could change, would it be worth it? I must think so or I would have already left. So I guess my answer is yes, I would do it over again. The proof is that Im still here trying now. When and if we split then my answer will surely be” nope”.
I get all the dogs, Nap. All four of them. And the Loch-Ness-sized turtle. And physical custody of the kid. And the house they live in.
Well, I wanted to “pop on” SOS, just for a minute to see what’s up. I’ve been subbing full time for the past two weeks, so I’m a bit behind. I have to be good, and keep it short so I can get my zzzz’s. But I can’t get off without thanking Lynn for this forum, and all of you who have posted. Karen, starting with your first post, I literally felt like a lightbulb went off. JoAnn, Diane, March…everyone…you just added to the brightness of the lightbulb. This rings so true for where I am in my journey/struggle and all of your words “click.”
Lynn, I am sooo sorry for your pain. Don’t stress too much over this whole detachment thing. I think it’s an extremely complicated concept, and one that I’ve been struggling with since last March. I think I just happen to be at the point where the “veteran’s” posts are clicking for me. But we all have such different life circumstances. A few months ago, I was still hoping to make a go of it, in terms of a real relationship. We have talked about that, so you know where I was coming from. But recently, I’m realizing that the pain, for me, is too great. However, I’m not ready to jump ship in two weeks. So in my circumstances, a detachment (without being hostile, bitchy, etc) is what I need for survival. But it’s taken me a LONG time to get to today. When I was really hopeful for “a happily ever after recovered relationship” in the future, my therapist told me I need to be detached from my h’s recovery. I didn’t understand what that meant in the context of a hopeful relationship. I still don’t understand what it meants in that context. And my therapist is not a CSAT, so I’m not sure SHE even knows what she was talking about. I guess my opinion is that you are either emotionally invested or you are not. For me, the rollercoaster rideof emotional investment has just become too difficult. However, I think if I can find a way to be here for awhile without extreme emotions (in either direction) towards my h, I just may survive.
Lots of love to you. I hope we both figure this shit out.Love Julie
My only interest in the polygraph is to get an admission of an affair that can be used as grounds in divorce court; OR an admission of romantic interest in the woman he has admitted he was alone with last Tuesday, because the attny said that combined with phone records to show he was actually with her would suffice. Without that it’s a business meeting and not admissable as evidence for divorce.
H’s counselor advised us both that if either of us decide to file for divorce, all his records can be subpeonaed for court. I have had no success in getting proof any other way, and I’m really wondering if I can play this part til H slips up.
I didn’t want to know about detachment to know how I could make this relationship work long term. I wanted to know how these other people make it work so that I’d know WHAT I did wrong in the initial two months after finding out. It’s way too late, now, because I would not date my H if I started over. I would walk a wide berth around him and not look back.
I have made it crystal clear to H that I don’t care what the results of the polygraph are, I am leaving. Either because of it, or when he slips up, because H has shown that he will not adhere to boundaries and I can’t have that kind of relationship.
We are not having sex, now, the woman from work thing was the last straw. But I did go to a concert with him last night because we bought the tickets long ago and I really wanted to see the band and I was honestly too exhausted to drive myself there. It was a great concert and I’m glad I went. H was personable. We talked only about the band.
lynn can the anderson copper show be used in court. just wondering if anything said there could help you.
Katt – Nope, though you think admitting sexual addiction so openly would have SOME weight, it doesn’t legally. Only a pic or eye witness showing him alone with another woman in a residence, car, or hotel. Oh, and after I had the alone in a car part I was told in the last conversation with attny there has to be evidence or H’s admitance that they had sex or were at minimum romantically involved. THAT part will be harder to prove.
So Lynn…does what he told the therapist count then or not? ( I mean the pages and pages he wrote) Is that enough for the divorce or not?
Hi Lynn,
How to detach. That is a really really tough one. My method of detachment was what karen speaks of. And during my so called detachment i had several epiphanies. One was that you can be with your h, hanging out with your h, and not be angry at them for what they have done. In other words you are in the rpesent, for present day activity…not worried about the future….or continuing to churn up the past. You just are.The with love part is to watch the recovery from afar, as it is his not yours. To comment or keep track of his progress i think would be annoying to him if he is doing well or not doing well. I know you said that you were saying your peice of mind for you, to probably feel you have a voice and have a say in what is going on. And for him to know…yes asshole…i am still not happy with you. But think about this from his persepctive…if you were him.
Honestly lynn i was never really succesful at it. I was able to detach with love for a while…however i kept thinking, my relationship to h is contigent upon recovery, upon intimacy and upon him respecting me, and not one more slip of porn in our house. This created high anxiety about the worry and uncertaintly of my future. I need stability, i need to know i will be okay. i could not take the worry and agony of that next slip. Because at that next slip, my world would ned as i know it.
I say living with a sex addict is living in a world of uncertainty if you relationship is contigent on sobriety.
Lets say you had this job that you loved. Its a 6 figure twenty hour work week and you can bring your kids. Its your dream job. There are five other people with the same job. Your company says that over the next six years they are going to lay off 5 of you, and one will stay. However you know the odds are not in your favor, and you love your job you will never find another like it…but each year is full of dread of if you will be the one. Will today be the day they let you go. You will be anxious and on edge and worried!! and rightfully so.
Our fears we have, are for a reason. We have been wronged. If we fall down the stairs because we wore wet shoes, and i have done this, i make sure my shoes are dry before i walk down the stairs. I have never fallen again. Fear does serve a purpose. We are born with it, and learn from these situations of what to avoid in the future.
I think these multitued of feelings and emotions are real and they are true. And to a point they are meant to protect us. But trying to live and thrive in such a situation i think is very hard, if not impossible. And i think forcing or encouraging someone to endure this type of situation is wrong. Common therapy says you should stay. But this is our fight or flight kicking in. Its a daily struggle to survive. I know this. But really we are just surviving, we are not thriving. As the cortisal levels fill, and our gut grows, our health detriorates.
Your ground is a different thing. I think i wrote sharron a while back. Your ground is your boundaries. They have been stated and they are known. They are not open to arguement and discussion. Everyone knows what they are. To keep arguing about a boundary which has been violated does nto make sense. The next logical step is the consequence, which is not open to discussion. Gentle reminders are one thing, but they should not be…i saw you looked at porn today…you know that is a violation. Did you really do it? Thats arguement and discussion.
I hope something helps. I don’t klnow if anything i wrote makes sense, but i hope its some use.
Love,
FloraOh yes. And someone else made a good point about punishment.
Yes lack of sharing emtionally can be considered abuse, emotional abuse. However it is the intent of the use of it. If you intent is to not participate as a means of control, for instance to not have sex as a punishment, is controlling and withholding. However if you are to not partack in the relationship to save yourself emtionally…that is different. That is self preservation.If a women is abused and her husband beats her atleast once a day. Would you advise she continues in a relationship with this man? Or would you advise that she detaches. Slowy, while she tries to get away.
It is the underlying motive of the activity which determines wether it is abuse or not.
Everyday we choose who we want in our lives, and who we would rather not have in our lives.
We make choices about who and what we except and what we don’t. It is allpurely personal. However we do have to draw the line somewhere, and can’t accept every stray that comes our way….KMF,
The pages from the counselor, no. Even though they contain emails and texts (62 at last count) he sent to whores he’d spent thousands of dollars on previously, with him referring back to their sexual encounters, and saying how he’d love to see them. There is no date and time arranged in any of them for meetings (don’t know if he deleted those or that was arranged IM or what), and no proof in the pages that he actually DID see them while we were married. He insists that there has been no physical contact between them or any other woman since our engagement, and there is no concrete proof otherwise. YET. The attny is very clear that without the pic or eye witness of him alone with a woman all that paperwork is useless. I say what whore turns down all those callouts? From a regular customer? For what reason? For God’s sake, it makes me want to scream. And I have.
Well, the “fav” moved up north, so you might cut that number of emails down to 30. But still, 30 emails to local prostitutes in a year. That’s roughly 3 a month. And his schedule before me was 4-6 a month I have since learned. I hardly made a dent, if all those contacts resulted in “visits”. But still, no proof.
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