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Diane posted to me “But here we are again, because it still hurts. Even through our anger, we still hurt. And I’m sorry about how it makes you feel”
Its got me thinking is it hurt that i get angry or am i really just pissed of at myself. Im starting to think he has hurt me to the point it doest hurt anymore. kind of like with my son his illness has been going on so long that with each visit the hurt and pain seems less i walk in expecting it. now is this because i plan ahead. my entire life i have always planed for the worse and if it didn’t happen fine but if it did i was ready.
I do know i am really getting this way about my partner not sure if its a protective thing or just hes destroyed everything he could. i do get really mad at myself for expecting what should be and knowing he is incapable of it.Hi Katt, i really think people do the best at any given time with what they have and can do. Its up to us to decide what is acceptable and what is not. Even though our SA’s are warped they are acting in the best way they can, as they are not prepared to live life without. In saying this staying with someone when we know perfectly well what and who they are begins to eat away at us. We kick ourselves for our past decisions, current decisions and then have dismal outlook on our future. I do think we get frustrated with oursleves and we are angry and frstrated with our SA’s as we slowly realize what has happened and the depth of what they have done and the depth of how we really spent our lives screwing up and going in the wrong direction. But we cant change the past, we can only change our present and our future. We can’t continue to beat oursleves up, it serves no purpose, but self defeating behavior. But what we can do si accept the reality of what is and move forward to try and create a better and brighter future. Its not easy…i will tell you that. It will be a fight, alot of people willb e ticked because they are used to getting away with what they want. But so is the start of your new life. And as you stand up for yourself her and there, it will begin to be a way of life, and every little thing, which used to be a huge undertaking and task, will then be second nature. Much love to you Katt.
FloraFlora – you have such insight. I can relate, especially the part about “who and what they are begans to eat away at us.” I can say, for the first time, I am really beginning to resent Steve. There are so many stages that we go through. I frequently get frustrated with myself for spending so much time and energy on my SA, who I know down deep will always be an SA. I REALLY feel the part about screwing up with past decisions and the depth to what it has impacted my life. I have accepted the reality of what is, but just can’t seem to make that final break. Unfortunately, the divorce does not come up until December 21st – God, why does my attorney have to drag this thing out. I just want closure, whether it be by Legal Separation or divorce, and to be able to move on and take care of myself for a change. I do feel I am slowly making progress to achieve that goal. I just have to pay NO attention to what my therapist says in regards that Steve might recover from this SA through EMDR. I just can’t buy into that, and I think I know Steve better than anyone.
Thanks for an insightful post – it really made me think and try to put things in perspective.
Love to you.
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