- This topic has 24 replies, 11 voices, and was last updated 13 years, 9 months ago by
.
-
Posts
-
~I don’t know what to do anymore. He is acting like he is trying really hard. Being really considerate, working on the bathroom. We’re talking tons, admitting how wrong he has been to everything we have been hashing over. Really trying. And then last night after we finally sat down I asked him if he still had the “soulmate he met golfing” contact info. He said no…..then yes. I told him he had to delete it right now in front of me. He was angry and went to his computer and deleted it. I watched as he clicked around, very well hidden. He was soooooooo sad and pathetic looking. Really upset. And then he started acting irritated with me, I told him to try and understand his anger and that it is because I made him delete her info and I had every right to request that. I then took his phone and found a phone number for a women he had a 1 night stand with. I made him delete it and he insisted he didn’t know it was there. He then calmed down and look even more sad and pathetic. Told me a few nice stories about those women and acted like he was mourning. So twisted, he acts like I’m supposed to give him sympathy! I hate the way he tries to make me feel bad because I put my foot down. This is a violation, he told me he deleted all this stuff in November, this is the 5th time he has been caught with stuff he promised was deleted. His reason for keeping it: you have been so mad at me that I wanted to keep my options open. Ladies, I have been so incredibly patient with him through this, he hasn’t even seen mad yet.
~2 This is a biggie for me and I appreciate your opinion.
When I first found out about the golf soulmate, he insisted for 3 weeks that he never had sex with her, they were just madly in love. Desperately trying to save my marriage I had sex with him a bunch of times. Then he finally fessed up to sleeping with her, no condom. I was livid and told him to get tested. He refused and said I was exaggerating about std’s. Then he said ” just like you Heidi to try and make her out to be a slut”. I told him in my opinion you are both sluts. (*I did not know about all the other women yet). Fast forward 2 months. I was talking to his brothers wife (*his brother found his soulmate same wknd -girls are best friends) and she told me that the women my husband picked up was with a different married guy the night before she was with my husband! So I confront my husband and try to get him to say that I was right to get tested! I wanted him to admit she was a slut. He refused to say anything bad about her. In fact he acted really jealous of this other guy, he looked like he was going to throw up every time I mentioned the “other guys” name. I don’t know why but I pressed the issue. He was defending her so much. I was wild, I desperately needed him to say one nice thing about me and one mean thing about her. I was crying and begging and he sat up (in bed) and looked at me so sincerely and said “I believe with all my heart that she is a good person”. I lost it and started hitting him (through the fluffy comforter). This was really out of character for me. I never ever loose my cool like that. He can lie to me all day long, but wont lie to me about how he feels for her ~ weird. She is saint in his book. I wrote in my journal that this was the death of my marriage. I stayed up all night pacing, watching hives erupt from my entire body/face and trying not to scratch!I know I was right to get tested. I know any married women who hooks up with 2 different guys in one weekend is as messed up as him. I just need him to quit insinuating that I was a bitch for getting tested. Crazy – I know. So in the last 4 months I’ve brought up this situation 4-5 times, as an indicator to see where he stands. As of last week, he is still defending her and saying that she is a good person, now he says he is the bad person, but still wont give me a “you were right to get tested”. Even now that I know about all the other women. Actually this is just a symptom of how messed up his thinking is, and how he uses me as his excuse to do what he does. In Dec. when all this happened, I was hurt and I lied to him and told him that his brother said she was ugly. He immediately texted his brother and tore him apart, very very nasty. Now they don’t talk anymore, it was the only male friend he had. I haven’t really even begun to deal with all the other women, I keep getting stuck on this one!
So I think it is time to see a lawyer. When this first happened we talked about a collaborative divorce. My brother told me to privately see a lawyer before I go so I am prepared. I have not worked all these years. Just kids and lots of volunteering. It’s time for me to pull it together. My sister said that this would be bad time to get a job, that I may do better in a divorce if I remain unemployed. What do I do first I hate doing this behind his back. It feels so dishonest.
I am so grateful I can run this crazy stuff past people who understand this insane place I’ve landed. For me this like a little cafe in hell where I finally found someone nice! It’s hard for me to feel so needy. I want my old self back. Thanks for helping me get there.
It feels so dishonest???????? Oh honey, honey, honey!!!!!!!
Why haven’t you ripped his fucking balls off yet????????
You don’t need to hold anything together. He is just beyond gross… I was sitting here… with my face all scrunched up and contorted going oh no… and just when I thought I had heard the worst… it got worse. He’s a pig’s pig. a real class A oinker.
good riddance!!!!!!!
Go find the slimiest, meanest, vengefulest, bloodsuckingest lawyer you can find. Do NOT apologize, look back, wonder “IF”. There is no IF or if only with this dude… only more and more and more heartache and pain. guaranteed.
love and hugs,
lexie
Hi Hadj608,
I have to tell you-you are talking healthy. Your post shows you see truly who he is. He’s a liar and a cheater. He won’t ever tell you what you want or need. He’s even putting your health at risk. He shows no remorse for any of it. He is a full blown active sex addict with all their skewed thinking. You are smart to realize you need to start an exit plan.You need your own lawyer and I would find out who is the best in town. There are always 1-2 that have the reputation of being really good at what they do. If they are also ethical and consistant, they have the respect of the judges which is super helpful. They can be a pitbull when they need to be but not necessarily all the time because judges want fairness and not drama. Its good to find out from other reputable lawyers in town who is well respected in divorce/family law. If you ask a number of them, usually one name consistantly rises to the surface and that is who you want. Do not let your H know you are doing this.
Regarding not working in a long time. If he has good income he will have to pay you maintence until you get on your feet. Its going to completey change your lifestyle but in a year your going to so much better off. The life you have now is not a marriage. He is using you and has no respect for you. Plus hes having sex with other women. YUK!
These are my 2 cents. I have not worked full time in 18 years and Im going through a divorce. Just to be away from him is so liberating…..take care and keep your head on straight-you are headed in the right direction…..NAP
hadj608-Find an attorney pronto and send your’e husband on his way. If you haven’t worked for years, you can probably get alimony for up to 5 years, depending on your state, or maybe until you should re-marry. Take him to the cleaners, and don’t feel bad about it!! What a sick pervert he is – don’t tolerate one more minute of his behavior. Kick his ass out and get on with it. Sorry about the emotional mess he has put upon you. You do not deserve any more of his abuse. Hugs to you.
He is abusing you, big time. I can’t believe that knowing all you know that you would even be in the same bed with him. Please get away from him. Sleep in another room. Distance yourself from him. It’s over, in my opinion. He has absolutely no respect for you . . . NONE. I would have kicked his ass out a long time ago. What he’s done is totally unforgivable. Please see a lawyer and get the process started. It sounds like you have support people around you so lean on them, they should be more than happy to know you’ve seen the light and give you a helping hand. Keep us posted. Stay with us and keep posting, you need support. I hope you are seeing a therapist, if not, find one that specializes in trauma. Your self confindence has been ripped to shreds by him and it is time for you to work on yourself. We will be here and praying for you. xxxoo
hadj608, I, too, had a decades long marriage. Now I know that some of my SA’s objects of desire(s) were his personal trainers and was, and still is, comparing them to me. Of course they were flirting with him because it was in their best interests to stroke his ego so he scheduled more sessions and paid them more money. I just can’t understand how another woman could think so little of another woman’s marriage to encourage that kind of relationship. Well, maybe I can. These women would like to be me. That’s my guess. Wonder how they will feel when the shoe is on the other foot, knowing if the SA was capable of this kind of sick behavior it’s just a matter of time until it happens to them. Still, it really hurts knowing that the person you fell in love with, and thought loved you, is so callous. And those words, once released, can never be denied. Now, of course, my husband tries to tell me that everything was in good fun and just a joke. Right. And, like your husband, is attempting to try “really hard” to convince me that his objects of desire were really “wonderful”people and I was just over reacting. Who really knows if they are telling the truth? He insists he never realized how much he had until it (our marriage/relationship) until it was gone. I don’t believe a word he says. Who’s sorry now? Who is having panic attacks now? Not me. It’s still a very sad situation but at some point they (SA) have to face what they have done. He’s hurting much more now than I am. Just give yourself some more space and time. You don’t deserve this kind of treatment. Let him go and try not to feed his ego and sickness. You might be amazed at his reaction – or not. I’ll keep you in my thoughts and prayers and hope this nightmare will be over for you as soon as possible.
Hi Hadj608,
Parts of your story sound so familiar to me. It’s like how it was alright for my husband and his ex-girlfriend to have a good old laugh about how jealous I was, but he would never say anything mean about her to me, because he “respect(s) her”. At least now I know how he feels about me. And yes, then I became the bad person for even suggesting that he stop contacting her.
I’m glad that you got tested, but I wouldn’t hold my breath for him to acknowledge any wrong-doing on his behalf. My therapist said that if addicts have to really admit to themselves how much hurt they have caused their loved ones, it would destroy them. So your husband probably won’t ever admit that you were right to get tested, because then he’d have to face the reality of how much danger he really put you in. It’s just one of their self-preservation mechanisms.
Good luck through this difficult time.
Much love,
LayaI told this to the first therapist we were seeing and she scolded me for calling her a slut! I told her those were his words not mine. Effin-A I never call people names.—she totally missed the point of me looking for any form of validation from my h! Thank you all for getting it!
Lexi and Sharon you crack me up! Your are my alter egos! You’re opinions always snap me out of this nightmare for a bit! You are so right!
Nap – I have lawyer friends that I could get advice from, but they are coming to my daughters wedding and I am trying to keep things quiet til then. I don’t want her wedding to be about our divorce. I keep googling to find one. It’s sort of like flipping a coin though. You seem so level headed, and you are going through the same thing. You could do this for a living!
cbs- I stopped sharing a room with him in Dec. and you are right, my confidence has been ripped to shreds. I am working on an 24 month exit plan in my head. I have some business stuff that I need him to sign for, also my youngest is a soph. If I can just hold it together, but right now that seems impossible. So sorry to hear about your awful weekend too. You sound shaken but grounded. The whole deal just stinks. I need to get more boundaries in place, right now the line keeps moving and he is so bossy and righteous. We see therapist this week, I am making a list, any suggestions?
Ann – I totally agree. Why would any women go after a married man? I told my h, that if he and his bro would have told those women that they were unemployed they would have moved on to the next bar stool! My H was insulted by this and told me I don’t know because I wasn’t there!!! Imagine having to defend myself here! Lexi is right, he is lucky to still have his balls! And right now I am not stoking his ego like I always did, he is feeling it big time. I think our husbands both need constant praise and attention. Shoot where did that leave us all these years? Interesting to hear how yours is reacting to his loss of your affection. And it is really sad. *On second thought, I would like to go pick up your husband and then crush him, you could do the same for me! I need more of Lexi and Sharon in me to do that! In fact maybe we should all trade spouses!
Laya- I used your line about what your therapist said this morning (told him I read it in a book). It stopped him in his tracks for a moment, then he started manipulating me again. best I got out of him was “you’re probably right”. progress.
hadj608 i dont know if this helps i found my lawyer when i got divorced the first time from a list of super lawyers. they have a web site too. these are lawyers who are rated by other lawyers. one thing i was told is to find a lawyer who only does family law. many states have lawyers that are certified in Matrimonial Law mine was and he was extremely cut throat. also i know that many women’s shelters have a list of lawyers or lawyers to use that are very informed on trauma and will use this as part of the divorce process.
Hi hadj608,
You are looking for him to call her a slut and by doing this he would somehow stand up for you. But he has not. He has not considered you one bit you, your kids, the wedding you speak of. Its all about him. I don;t care if what he acknowledges ruins him, but there is not chance for anything if he does not come to terms. In this respect with the women in the side, he has more respect for her than he does you. this is no way to live. We can call it what we want, but he does not respect you (or his family) nor the horse you rode in on. There is not excuse for any of this, and he is abusing you left and right.And I personally think your therapist needs the boot. Like you are not entitled to your own opinion. give me a break. I know you said that you did not call her that, somehow he said it, but woah wait a minute. this lady does not belong anywhere in your marriage, and you can call her whatever you like. Does this therapist beleive that your husband is cheating based on what is lacking in the marriage, otherwise why is she defensive of the other women. I think you may need a new therapist. One who is an advocate for you. You know what I would do, tell him he can have her, and not you and to get out.
hadj608 i have been rereading your posts and you seem fixated on this one woman. excuse me but has your husband not had many woman. please maybe try and get sometime alone go away for a few days. i find for me if i can get out of my life that it looks very different, this may give you time to process your thoughts,feeling, and what you need for yourself. i know how hard it is to expect something from someone, he is the only one who can decide what he wants just as we are the only ones who can for ourselves.
Hi hadj608 – Flora couldn’t have said it better. Katt has a great suggestion for you – you just need to remove yourself from the situation and clear your’e head. I found when I was away from Steve and not influenced by his crazy thinking and manipulation, I was much more objective.
Katt super lawyer web site was exactly what I needed. I am waiting for a call back right now. Thank you. He insists it is over with the last women, but all his mannerisms indicate that he is pinning away after her still. He has been so sad since that last delete that its freaking me out a bit. He never gets down. I feel it has to do with her, not me. Shit. I do need to get away.
flora – Thank you for exactly getting it!! I got a new therapist right after that. I will let you know what the new one says tomorrow. If she blows it, I am going to just hire you! I need to get more serious about my boundaries. The few I’ve set so far have almost all been broken.
~was it your h that was in massage therapy and not working? I heard someone in my area set up an LLC and did a groupon and had over 400 people sign up.
Hi hadj608,
I totally get where you are coming from about this particular woman, wish I didn’t, but I do.Intellectually, she is just a progression of his addiction, but emotionally for us, it’s absolutely horrible. What can be worse than your husband falling so much in love with another woman that he is going to leave you for her and then end up staying with you( because part of him always knew that wasn’t real) and still defend her? I get wanting him to say something so that it’s evident that he knows she is just a regular woman, no super powers, and not very good character or ethics at that….and he won’t taint or tarnish the euphoric memory that he has because that’s sacred. And I get your sadness about him being unwilling or unable to do that….. at your expense. And I get how awful it is to watch his depression and sadness after he deleted the contact info, and in my husband’s case….her pictures and pictures of them together. Horrible.
It’s been almost three years since I found out about “that woman” and none of the women that I later found out about prior to her have ever bothered me as much as she did. Your husband’s responses are confirmation that he is not in recovery, not even close. If he were in recovery he would see her as the damaged, flawed, morally challenged woman that she is and he would give you what you need.
Don’t beat up on yourself for those feelings and don’t let anyone else either, love the fact that you changed therapists.
MarieHi hadj608,
Yeah he graduated about 6 years ago right before we married. I did the math in my head, only working 20 hours a week, he could have grossed $1,500 a week, less expenses. This sounded like a solid idea. So I married him. Well he had a max of about 10 a week, was lazy, never did promotions for himself…he would sit and wait for the phone to ring where he worked and leach off of the following they had, which did not amount to much. Imagine my frustrations!! His business failed because he was lazy and did not want to chase any business or work. In the end (about 2 years ago) he had about 1 or 2 clients a week; and could not even cover the rent!!!! At this point i told him to get a job. Well his idea was to be a bus driver, while his massage therapy “buisness” picked up. I said no. Your getting a real job. So he went to a two week class to be a CNA, nursing assistant. This is not a tehcnical degree and many employess have a high school education and barely speak english. This is a low paying crap job. But you know where I think his time went? to his porn and possibly other women and escorts etc. Because it is obvious the man was not working.Now imagine how pissed I am that he is going to try to take half of what we had. His yearly earning were a low of $4,000 to a high of $24,000 us dollars (after he got his CNA job). Beleive me i have run the numbers and it is devastating. Not only that he has a bachelors degree that mommy and daddy paid for from Bennington College that I am sure cost a fortune. He majored in art and voice, he can sing opera basically. But yet can;t make a living. I really just can;t beleive how it pays to be a lazy low life leach. I have leanred this – its not that he can’t; its that he won’t.
God Flora, your’e husband is such a loser. I can’t believe the courts would award him half of everything you have. Maybe you need to have him eliminated – you would come out much better. Just kidding!!!
Flora,
My heart is so sad for you as you find out all of this financial stuff in the divorce process, adding insult to injury seems like such an inadequate way to describe it. I’m really angry for you and I wanted you to know that.
MarieHi Flora,
Im so sorry too. I would also be pissed. Just remember he cannot get half of what you brought into the marriage-only what was acquired during the marriage. So with that in mind, if you sold your condo before marriage to him and put 20% down, that money may be in question (yours) I’m not sure but it may be an arugment for your lawyer to consider. What do you think about this?Yes my condo was sold before we married and the house was purchased before we married. And I had put the 20% down. Problem is we are both on the title as purchase and mortgage together.
But anyway you slice the apple, he barely contributed to the finances and barely made the money to contribute; therefore why should he get half. My income over that same time was 100% more than his, and I don;t make alot, and did not have a college degree until 2009; which i paid for with student loans; and worked full time and raised 2 to 3 children at a time while I did this. I have not one ounce of pity for him nor have any excuse for him; excpet that he is a lazy loser. Yes and that is why I am ticked to no end. Apprarantly he has no dignity or soul.
I would hope that my lawyer can put something together. I will keep you all posted. Preliminary stages at this point.
Thank you sisters!
Marie~ I told him that this women was part of his addiction, and it was a progression. He thinks it is separate and they just fell in love. The denial is shocking at times. I really should record some of it as it is almost too much to remember to write down.
flora~ You are so fortunate that you can support yourself. Even if he gets part of it, at least you know you can survive. You are capable. I am kicking myself for not working. I had sooo much fun raising my kids. I just never expected to be caught like this.
Get a load of this one, I am the executor of my dad’s estate (he is still alive) and 2 years ago under the advice of a lawyer we put some of his stuff in my name to avoid inheritance tax should he pass. My dad agreed because he felt that my marriage was the most solid! I can’t even tell my dad we are going thru this as it will kill him, besides worrying to death, he is going to be so angry that he transferred stuff into my name. My h insists he wont touch any of it. But what if things get ugly. Thats why I need to see a lawyer pronto. I had no effin clue my h was up to no good. I would have done things differently. Now I have to get a lawyer that knows how to protect property.
Whats even worse, my dad treats my h like one of his sons. He is going to be heart broken. And pissed. Not what you need when you’re 84.
I have a friend who is divorced and she took out a million dollar life insurance policy on her ex. It cost her 200 a month. She said she hopes every day that he gets hit by a train! She also pays 600 a month for health insurance. Yikes that will be the bummer one.
Hey Flora,
Dont think it matters that both names are on the title. It was your money put down if you can get any records to support this that it was done before the marriage. Please ask your attorney. I think it would be considered only your 20% done before the marriage, check wrote out of your account….really look into this.Nap,
You smart little cookie. God bless you. I am so happy i wrote this on here. You are 100% right. I googled around. So..its like you said. The house was purchased prior to marriage, i get my 20% back, its mine a seperate issue.
Here it is word for word from a website.
“This means that if you own property prior to getting married it remains your separate property even after you break up. However, there are some exceptions to this rule. For instance, if you commingle your assets you can make an asset community property. Also, if you make a down payment on a piece of real estate with separate property funds prior to the marriage, but throughout your marriage you make mortgage payments from your community wages, your spouse will have a community interest in that property known as a Moore-Marsden interest, which is calculated with a formula based upon the amount of loan principal paid from community funds. However, you will get your separate property down payment back.”
So they will use this fancy calculation to determine interests and I would get my down payment back. But I did some more quick googleing and it gets a little wishy washy in ct. It appears that they can take premarital property if they choose, they being the court and judge; but I can prove how much I contributed in house payments and proof of putting the cash down. I can aslo prove that I have worked and how much I made. So maybe things are not so bad. Still waiting for that letter from the attorney. 🙁 or maybe :- but not 🙂 not yet. It may be a few months for 🙂Good news Flora!!! Just make sure your attorney knows all the facts related to this!!! Im happy for you! If you can get any documentation with dates on it that would help, also showing the money came out of your acct, PRIOR to marriage.
🙂PS My attorney uses email alot and I send her anything I think is important. I let her decide if its relevant.
- The forum ‘Divorce’ is closed to new topics and replies.