JoAnn’s Life Update and Thoughts On Distancing

Mine lost 3 of the 5 jobs he’s had during our marriage. One for having an affair with a co worker. Her h called hr and threatened a lawsuit. Addicts end up losing everything eventually.

Oh dear, SL… I’m so sorry… well, good thing he’s fixed up the house. Now he can sell it and live where he deserves to live and can afford– a cold water flat with a shared bath down the hall in a rat infested building. he’ll love it!

My husband got fired from two jobs, back to back. I do know that he tried to pick up women from the jobs, but he swears that he did nothing “inappropriate.”

If only he knew the difference?

I’ll be praying for your mediation!

Love and hugs,

LLL

Hello everyone,

Joann –
Thank you for the update on your journey. As I read your words, I am struck with compassion for your situation. I am so impressed with your ability to accomplish all that you do. I am thankful that you had the inspiration and the drive to figure out how to put your support sites together and help so many of us. Sometimes I think that it is easy to forget that you are navigating these uncharted waters along with us. I appreciate your candor in sharing your struggles and your personal thoughts.

I understand what you mean when you wrote that you have a grip on the Sex Addiction issues and you are left with coming to grips with the layers of Personality Disorders. I think that this is what I am processing as well. It is the lack of emotional availability that hits me with deepest wound. The pain that I have surrounding this is massive. It has drained me of energy and has broken my soul. I have not been able to comment much on the site because I have been struggling with this issue and have not been able to find the words or the strength to push myself. You wrote that you have tried many times to write about this and the words escape you. This is exactly what is happening to me. I have written so many comments to these beautiful ladies that I end up just deleting because I feel like my words just do not make sense. All of you have helped me so much and I want to be able to give back. After reading your words, I realize that just sharing ones thoughts can help others to not feel alone in their journey.

My SA and I are in the thick of the “Divorce Forest” and it is dark and lonely here. I still can’t believe that the path has lead us to this place. I worry about my own level of personality disorder as I try to wrap my mind around all that has happened. He says that he wants a divorce because he is done being “beat down” by me. He says that he has done everything that he could possibly do for his SA and that it is not good enough for me. I have worked hard at looking at these issues and realize that I must trust that whatever needs I have in working through our marriage are in fact valid. It is just so hard when your heart is hurting and the person that you love and thought would protect your heart is telling you that your pain has to do with your own personality disorder. So I am trying to look at my own personality disorders. Do I have disorders? Yes, I think we all do to some extent. So he wants me to forgive his disorders, yet he is not able to forgive mine? How can we work through these things when he just shuts down when I have tried to talk about it? Like Joann writes “he averts his eyes, looks downward and just doesn’t speak…. ” He says the exact thing that Larry does ‘I just don’t know what to say’ or “I want to fix this but I just don’t know how.” He will also say that he would address these things if he felt safe, but my anger and rage scare him.

I go over and over and over these things in my mind. I journal about them, I research it, I cry and have severe anxiety. I try to understand. How has my personality contributed to the level of problems that we are facing? These issues that we are facing as a married couple are not new. The only thing that is different is the exposure of the Sex Addiction and the behaviors related to that. If I have been able to handle his emotional unavailability before I found out about his sex addiction, why can’t I handle it now? So ultimately, am I the one that is breaking up our little family? Am I the one who is letting down our “grown children” from having an intact family? I have been blessed with patience and understanding, compassion and forgiveness. These are qualities in myself that I treasure and feel lucky to have. So why can’t I tap into these right now? If I know that he does not have the capacity to know what to do given the situation that we find ourselves in, and in the past it has been up to me to navigate the emotional paths of our relationship, than how can I expect him to captain this ship?

And why am I still asking these question when he has abandoned the ship anyway? I tried to give him directions for driving this boat and he is jumping overboard. He doesn’t seem to be drowning, he is swimming like hell for shore. He is a strong man and he probably will get to shore. So why am I feeling so weak and lonely?

AAARRGGGHHHHH here I go again………….

thanks for listening. Cindy

And Cindy, thanks for sharing this, because it helps so much to know that I’m not alone in this. Thanks to you all.

March,

I said such similar words to my husband. Why did you shut me out? Why did you feel that you needed to seek out other women? I thought that we were a team and that we were in this LIFE– together.

I had no idea why he had changed so much and why he was so depressed and lethargic and didn’t ever want to do much, or touch me or even look at me.

He doesn’t know why either.

But, in all cases, these guys do have massive intimacy issues.

Cindy, where you said:
“These issues that we are facing as a married couple are not new. The only thing that is different is the exposure of the Sex Addiction and the behaviors related to that. If I have been able to handle his emotional unavailability before I found out about his sex addiction, why can’t I handle it now?”
I have been struggling with that exact same question myself. And JoAnn said (thank you, JoAnn!) that the underlying disorder does become more pronounced when they’re no longer acting out. Before learning about his secret life, I just accepted my h’s detachment as part of his personality, and put it in the ‘we all have our quirks’ category. But now knowing what was going on with him, and what that detachment was about, what was previously a ‘quirk’ has become an all-encompassing thing to me, and drives me crazy. And I’m so glad you didn’t delete your post.. Your words make tons of sense, and really speak to how I feel. We get left with such a jumbled up pile of mixed emotions..grief, rage, compassion, confusion, fear. And I guess it’s because it’s impossible to just switch off our love for them. March put it so well when she said, ‘He created this need in me for more, and he’s the only one who can satisfy it.’ That’s exactly it. Like trying to squeeze blood out of a turnip. Hang in there, Cindy hon. Big hugs to you.

Annie

Nooooooooo SL that sucks, altough the timeing is freakishly to perfect….dare i say for him??? I really gotta wonder.

I would ask for employment contracts, termination agreements, maybe he got a golden handshake?? Who knows.

Cindy,
No you are not mentally unstable you do not have a personality disorder. What does your therapist say? Are you seeing a therapist.
Please if you cannot afford a therapist atleast watch and work on opera’s life class on her network. It is Amazing. Hours and lifetime of therapy and knowledge packed in to her show. Really, check it out.

Her take on this is that we will repeat this secanario until we learned what we need to learn. and only then will we move onto bigger and better things. She feels that these situation are created to guide eyes toward being ourselves. and i think that many of us have got off track while we desperately try to make a marriage and a relationship work…that is not working. Love does not hurt. Only staying in a relationship based on the hope he will change..is not a relationship. You either need to accept it/him as he is and move on. Do you really want to be with him? Were you really truely happy with him?? Was everything you had hoped and dreamed? Was this the perfect relationship for you??

Or did you often feel hurt, not heard, neglected…on and on. I went through this too. However we must remain strong, and we have to think about what this pain and trauma; can bring into our lives. and how we can start to live our lives more and true.
Again…what does your therapist say? And if you cannot go to one or afford it, check out oprahs show. I started a topic about it.

Love,
Flora

P.S. This was from a speaker about a death of a child. And i think in someways the death of a child is somewhat similar to a divorce, death of a partner really or friend.
Instead of morning the loss of what was, celebrate what was, and thank them for what was. Not all relationships are meant to last forever. Some saying was that everyone is brough into your life for the moment, for a purpose or for a lifetime. Sometimes our marriages are ending for a purpose, or they were really only meant for that period of time. Just a different perspective. We can be happy for the times that we had, and be happy that the pain will not continue further, and open ourselves up for future.

JoAnn~

Thank you for sharing your story for us newbies and bringing us up to date. Wow! You’ve been down a long hard road and it sound like your path continues to be rough terrain. Even so, it sure sounds like you know who you are, what you want and how to get there and stay there. And knowing is have the battle. My heart goes out to you and I thank you and admire you for giving so much of yourself to others so they have a place to bond and share as we all journey on our own paths.

Love to you.

~Mary

what mean you make I much don’t sense?!?!?

You are all too funny!!!

Cindy, Yes please share. You will feel better when you do. Talking, or writing,with others will help you tremendously.
Love,
Flora

LOL Hadj.. “I wish I weighed 500 pounds so I could lure him into a trap and squash him with my fat ass” Oh, man.. I was feeling teary this morning, and reading that made me burst out laughing in the middle of my woefulness. Thanks for that. 🙂