Katt’s Story

I HAVE WRITTEN MY STORY. IT IS VERY LONG BUT YOU SEE IF YOU THINK I NEEDED IT TO BE. I COULD ONLY WRITE IT BECAUSE I’M VERY DETACHED FROM IT RIGHT NOW. I WOULD PREFER IF IT WAS NOT ON THE OTHER SITE. IF MY KIDS SEE IT THEY WILL KNOW IT’S ME, US AND I AM NOT READY FOR THAT. THANK YOU FOR EVERYTHING, KATT.

I AM WRTING THIS STORY 3 DAYS AFTER MY PARTNER PRETENDED TO BE IN RECOVERY FOR ALMOST 8 MONTHS. I DID NOT KNOW, I AM NUMB RIGHT NOW AND I DO NOT FEEL WHAT I AM WRITING. FOR ME IT’S THE BEST TIME. I HAVE BEEN WORKING ON MYSELF–THIS STORY IS ONLY UP TO MY FIRST D-DAY

I need to start this whole story again. What I wrote was true but so much more. I have been working on myself for many months. From the start I knew that in my life I always seemed to just accept things that were done to me that no other human would allow themselves too. I need to write about my childhood to understand my present.

I was abused both sexually and physically by my father. My first clear memory was I have to guess I was 3 maybe 4 and he was giving me a bath. I remember hell at times I can still feel his finger between my legs it hurt. This memory is like I’m watching it. This progressed with time. I know he had sex with me at some point before I was maybe 7ish.The only part I remember of one of the early times is his hand covering my mouth and fear. That’s it but I can recall at times my mother found blood in my panties and blamed me for doing it by playing with myself-my dad was standing there smiling.

I never told on him except once I told a teacher my dad pees on me she dragged me to the back of the class and put soap in my mouth. Again it was my fault. My dad and I used to go get bagels on Sundays before church we would leave when it was still dark, it was our time together. I always had good memories of this time until all this happened. I now remember him stopping to see prostitutes and me having to watch him get blow jobs. I remember thinking why was that lady licking him? When my dad would get us back in the car he would tell me how that’s what woman had to do for men. He was grooming me, but he was also setting me up to accept a very abnormal sexual tolerance.

I was at this time beaten for anything and everything. I can recall getting punched for blocking the TV. Me and my brother were left on the side of the highway for fighting in the car. So I can see where physical abuse and sexual abuse are hand and hand, without one the other was not. I was abused this way until i was 10 and my parents split. The year with my mom was my best memories. Money was bad, we were poor and I know she tried but one weekend she left. It was my dad’s day to visit so she left before he came. He didn’t come for a week or two.

She never came back, but I took care of my brothers and I did what had to be done. I remember that I thought she died, or was never going to come back. Then my dad showed up he was so pissed, he had to move in with us. Him and his girlfriend and her son, the sexual abuse continued though not as bad and not so much.

Then one day she found us in the bathroom, she kicked me out I was I think 14. I became a juvenile in need of supervision after I was caught I was treated as a runaway. They put me in a juvenile shelter with a bunch of other teenagers. Again it was all my fault. I got independent living at 15-almost 16 and I was placed in a rooming house. The truth be told I was so naive by this point I never did more than kiss a boy and some touching.

This rooming house was filled with older people, funny they were in their 20s but they were old to me. This guy took me under his wing so nice he was 28 at the time. Well this became a sexually abusive relationship, but he was nice. He used me, he would prostitute me, he made a movie but he never hurt me, he never hit me.

I got pregnant at 17 with my son and we stayed together until my son was 2. I knew he used drugs sometimes but I found a lot of them in the house. I could not end up in jail. I had my son to take care of. I lived with my son for 2 years then met my first husband. I had boyfriends over those two years but they were like high school boyfriends my age not very sexual it was more like I was learning about sex and myself.

Well, in comes my first husband. He was older by 8 years and was he protective and said things like no one will ever have you, you’re only mine. I was flattered and on cloud 9. He stepped right up with my son. Said he always wanted a son. During dating everything was wonderful we were happy, until we moved in together. He told me what to wear, I was only allowed to go out with him, when we did go out he walked behind me to make sure I was not looking at other men. I became his property I didn’t see too much wrong with this he loved me and wanted to protect me.

He got worse. Pretty bad. One time he handcuffed me to a radiator when he went to work. It was bad, Once in a while he would hit me, not hard but he did .Then on Feb 14th he wanted to make love I don’t remember why but I said no and he hit me broke my jaw had sex with me. I asked him to take me to the ER, he wouldn’t and I walked. When I got home he didn’t believe me that he broke my jaw until I showed him the Dr. appt. the next morning to set and wire it.

He felt so bad he took me the next day to the Dr and everything. I got pregnant and he liked that no man wants a pregnant woman, but we were arguing about something I was about 5 months along he punched my stomach, that night I lost the baby in the toilet. I called the ER, I needed to go in but had to bring the fetus too. I asked him to please do this for me and he said it was my fault because I could hold it in. I did it. My God what I felt. My baby and I couldn’t protect it.
This caused a change in me, The next day or so he cried and I just stayed. I got pregnant again this time he wanted to get married he wanted to adopt my son so we did. My daughter was born 6mos latter it was good at that time, really good. She was born with a heart problem. He could not deal with it, it was my problem and he said it was my fault.

Thing got only worse over the next 20 years. He was jealous of the babies, he would make me take care of him before the kids. I had 3 babies in 4 years, he was not so bad when I was pregnant, but to be honest I got pregnant when he wanted me to be, sex was his and his alone. He was getting stranger and stranger he was the boss, I had to clean his way. I could never do thing right. He was good with the kids.

With me it was off the wall he would bring home a porn book rip out a picture and it was my job to find 10 things wrong with me and show him the list. Then he would tell me that’s who he’s with and have sex with me. I realized some time ago I had married my dad but worse. There is so much more but it was what it was. I got pregnant. By this point he was forcing sex on me. Raping me but that has been going on for years. I never saw it that way. He was my husband.

Then he started using drugs and the more he used the better it was, it was great he’d get so messed up. By the time I had my son he could barely make it to work. He set the alarm clock to go to the bathroom. For the first time I had a life, I had power, I was free. I would have left him many times but I could not afford to and I would not put my kids though what I did when I was a kid. I protected them from their father took them to a kids addiction counselor so they were ok.
Was I co depended? I don’t think so, I stayed but my husband knew that I was only there because he was my paycheck. I told everyone who knew me that was the only reason. I did not cover nor hide his drug use. But life was good, I put my 4 year old son in pre-school and he became fast friends with my current partner’s son. The boys were together all the time.

I met my partner shortly after meeting his wife. She would come over my house to drop off xxx to play and his socks would get dirty. Well she would go off on this child. Other times she was just so mean. This was not her thing to be a mother. The kid was an item she owned, so was her husband. She never went out with me and the kids the beach, boardwalk, park, so she would send her husband. We him and I became very good friends, after a while I would say we were best friends.

All of us my 4 kids and him and his son spent a lot of time together pretty much every day and many nights in the summers. When the kids were playing we would talk I had no fear of him. He was safe for me, he was married. I got to a point I no longer saw a man, just a person and he was/is a good man and he became a very valued person for the kids. They would say how they wish dad could have been like him.

Then they started to see him as their dad, we talked about it and he said he felt like they were his kids anyway. We had become a family in every sense of the word, except no type of romantic anything between us. He knew me and most of my life and still liked me I was accepted by him for the whole of me, not about me being a woman, nothing sexual.

At times we could talk about anything and for hours, I would look forward to our time together. During this time his wife would come if it was a party or if she had to drop off the kid to play. Many times I would call her to come along with all of us she plain out said she had no interest to go to the beach or park .She would say ‘what I am going to do?’ After 4 years of this friendship we were very close all of us.

Well one night we left the kids home and went to get coffee and take a walk on the beach we had done this many times before. We were talking and he kissed me. It just happened and he was more shocked that me. We pretty much sat back and I wanted to know what happened. He said it felt right, it did. We left the beach and just stood on the dune and looked out at the ocean and he held me in his arms not sexually, peacefully.

It was the first time in my life I have ever felt that safe that connected to anyone. Was it wrong ? Yes. Was it right? Yes during those years of friendship I lost this little piece of me that I have protected since I was a young child, that part of myself that no one was ever going to hurt. I believe that if I had, I would have died. I know that NOW, the reason why I’m writing this is the reason I know I would have died. Well we went home and yes, we kissed again and he left.

He had to leave the state to do a job the next day so I spoke to his wife and suggested for her to go I could watch xxx and they can have another honeymoon. What did she say? ‘ What would I do while he’s working, why would I want to do that anyway?’ He left by this time I just figured what happened was sort of like a connection of our friendship kind of like the ocean, the moon, and feeling so at peace with him.

Then he calls me from his jobsite and tells me pack up the kids and come, it so beautiful. So I did, I called my mom and told her he kissed me and wants me and the kids to meet him she says, ‘ If you can get 5 minutes of pleasure in this life take it.’
I packed the kids in the car and left. We get there and I told my daughter, who was 15 at the time, that we kissed and I had to talk to him. The first thing I told him was that I didn’t want to do anything to destroy what we had-that friendship. I knew we were going to be together, it was fate, I knew him, he knew me. We told each other things we never told another human being, hell things we didn’t tell ourselves.

It sounds so crazy but he was the piece who let me be me. I was a better person because of who he is, he let me grow. I got back home a few days before him I told my husband I was filling for divorce. He didn’t even know we were gone for 3 days. He did not take it well. After a few days I think he cut back on the drugs, he tried to rape me one night I looked him in the eyes and told him I would kill him if he didn’t leave me alone. He did.

For me I took back my power I lost before I ever had any. We moved in a few weeks later, my husband was still in the house and would wait until we got up to go to bed . He was fine with us just keep the ownership in his head. I don’t know how to explain it. He believed we were still married. That lasted for a few weeks when he went after me again and I got a restraining order. The kids were great his and mine we were already a family. Now the divorce process.

I found porn on his laptop, not a big deal except he had a picture of his friend wife’s cleavage. I questioned him how wrong it was. After the conversation he seemed to see how wrong the friend thing was. It was like the light went on, he deleted it. I found a few things, nothing bad, a magazine or two he would throw them out. I told him it bothered me that he had them he said he didn’t need them.

Then the big one I found foot prints outside the bathroom window where my daughter just took a shower. I was furious he said he went out to shed and happened to see but turned away. Nothing would allow me to believe anything else. I could understand that, I was always worried that my kids would be abused; I swore my entire life that I would protect them from my past. How could I think he could even do that. I felt such guilt for that he loved them like I did.

Then he told me he had found some old porn mags in his boxes in the shed and was getting rid of them. I found that as an understanding and a validation of him honoring my feelings. I found a barely legal web site on my computer he said it was not him, or something I don’t remember. I felt things pretty much from the start we would be out and he would stare at someone even if we were in the middle of a conversation. A time that really sticks out is he was kissing my forehead and I look up and he’s drinking in the woman behind me. I justified it well she’s much prettier than me. Whenever I said something to him about it I feel like I’m not enough for him. He always said I am. We would drive and he would speed up slow down to see the woman in the cars.

Then I found he been to a strip club 2 days in a row. I questioned him and he would lie, he denied but I had proof and he had to admit it. I always had to have proof. I never trusted what I felt, this never protected me before, never. We decided to move to buy a home a place to build a safe place for me and the kids. A place to start fresh as a family, I had never had a safe place a home where I only had good memories. I told him before I bought this house that I could not do this anymore, the porn looking, he said it would be better here this place is more who he is.

So I bought it. Since we got together I have paid for everything, his money was his. He offered but they were my kids, not his reasonability. I felt guilty about taking anything from him. We bought an old 16 room farm house on 2 acres. What a project, but the goal far out reached the work. We all worked and we were building a home and how safe I did feel Then it started-porn, the looking, me. He would, as he did before, do things with me. I would wake up with him in me or trying. I again would have bruises on my breasts from him. He didn’t hurt me on purpose it was during sex, many times he would get rough, sometimes pretty bad, but it was never mean. I see now that he raped me I would say ‘no’ but he did anyway. I just never fight it.

Then one time we made love before work and when he got home he cleaned his truck so we could go to the movies I grabbed the trash and found a porn dvd he bought on the way home. I was devastated but we went to the movies anyway, all is fine. I felt something change that time inside me. I was shutting down I think. I say him for the first time, I knew he was not who I fell in love with. The distance was growing between us.

We went back home to see friends and there was a girl who was 14 and he did his drinking thing. Nothing was ever all the time it was here and there. I was sinking very slowly I didn’t have that piece of me anymore, nothing to protect me, he already stole that from me. He did with his lies. I never had a choice with him I never had a chance to protect myself. Stuff was always going on-that little stuff.

But 3 months before d-day I found my daughter’s camera in his lunch box. He said he stopped by her house to borrow it for work. I knew something was wrong, but what I didn’t know. I asked him if he printed the pictures, he said no. I knew something didn’t add up but I had no proof. Over the next few months I asked him again. No, no, no always.

Then July 13th I find the pictures in his lunch box. I wanted to kill him. I grabbed the biggest knife I could find, then remembered my sons were up stairs I was afraid if I didn’t get it done on the first try my son would finish it. I didn’t want him involved so I went upstairs and told him to leave. He tried to deny it I told him to leave or I will kill him.

He left, I broke. That’s the only word I can describe what I felt, I broke beyond repair. I just wanted to die, the pain I felt. I wrote each of my kids a letter and walked up to the cell tower. I was going to jump. I got about a third the way up and panicked. I have this fear of heights that I will never lose. When I was a kid my dad found me playing on the roof of the apt. building we lived in. He took me by the ankles and held me upside down off it he then let go of one of my legs. I felt like I was falling. Sorry off track, so I couldn’t jump I sat there and cried and mourned for hours, I don’t know how long.

I lost everything that day, that moment my dreams, protecting my children, myself. There was nothing he didn’t destroy. My entire life at that moment flashed in my mind, all the pain, all the emptiness, all the nothingness of my life and couldn’t protect myself. He took that years ago. Well a few days later he made a counselor appt. and said he will do anything he can to stop. I found Recovery Nation and he said he wants to do the work. He knows he’s a sex addict.

He did move back in at some point. I know he had something with my daughter in his head. He got the pictures by stealing her memory card. He wanted certain pictures to be on it. But he didn’t know that doesn’t make it right, I know that.

I cannot tell anyone where I will go from here, I just do not know. I started my story from my beginning because it plays a part in why I’m here. I know I read all the time that it’s not my fault. I agree but many people played a part in why I’m here. Not just my partner if I’m honest I could very well have ended up on the other side of this story. And deep down I know until this point he, like me, had no choice because we didn’t see it, we didn’t know, we just couldn’t see inside ourselves. If I didn’t find myself now I would have ended up here or somewhere very much like here. This story has so many things missing but I hope this can give a clearer picture of who I am.