- This topic has 35 replies, 15 voices, and was last updated 13 years ago by
.
-
Posts
-
I’m a little late, but welcome back Pam! I thought Flora had an excellent comment. She has came a long way and you are getting there! Good for you!
Lynda,
I am so sorry for your continued pain and struggles. I think about you often! Please feel free to call me if you ever want to talk. I’m here for you! That goes for everyone!Love,
SL
Hi All,
Just had a chance to read all your lovely posts. You are the best!!:)
One thing that I have taken with me from my trip, that was ever so clear, was my need of an exit plan. A strategy. I am working on ways to protect myself ladies. And I think I am talking to the right people—finally.
Lynda thank you for your words. I honestly wonder if my 6yr old would feel that hurt about divorce. We live in fear. We live in danger. We live in toxic. How can divoricing be worse than that? for me, it’s not about money, it’s not about love, or vows or any of those things. It’s about being safe at the end of the day. And I am not. It is a fundamental thing needed for children and mothers. My hope, is that it will bring her peace and joy and safe keeping. But I need to proceed wisely.
Addiction is dangerous, out of control behavior. And if they are not addicts, then they are people who willing hurt and compromise our sexual health because they are selfish and don’t care. take your pick.
Pam,
I just want to tell you and give you support for making an exit plan. It will be a gift to yourself and your daughter. I understand your need to do it the right way for you and your safety is #1. On Maslow’s heiarchy of needs it’s something we must all have otherwise we never can get to our higher level of needs. Please know I’m thinking of you and so happy you are making a plan. You’re a smart cookie!Love, Nap
thanks so much for your support NAP. It’s funny you mentioned Maslow’s heirachy– I was thinking the same thing when I wrote that post! It is such a fundamental building block of life. Without safety, we cannot achieve other areas of our lives.
I am starting to see things so differently. I am seeing that I am a victim of abuse. The threats, the physical aggression, verbal beratings, power and control issues. They have been since the start of this relationship, when I look back on it. Just more escalated as of late.
I also think about even if he, today, and forever more, committed to recovery, and stopped the controlling abuse for the rest of our lives…..where is the consequence for all the damage caused thus far? I think the only way to deliver it is to divorce. However that ends up for me and daughter. No one wants a divorce, its awful, ugly and reduces my living standard. However, sometimes right is just well…. right. It is the only to enforce boundaries and consequences of actions made against me. I am fearful, and I have to go about it carefully. If I am not safe now, imagine after I file under the same roof???? CRAZY DANGEROUS. Is what I predict. But I think I am doing some things that will provide evidence enough to ensure our future.
Sorry Pam-C. You are a victim of abuse. I don’t have physical abuse, but emotional abuse when the anger and feeling controlled comes out. The abuse didn’t start until BPD came out. Does your husband have an underlying personality disorder? I have forgotten.
Maybe if you decide to file, you should either move somewhere away from him when you do it. I doubt that asking him to leave will fly. Don’t take any chances.
Much Love.Thanks Sharron. I do believe that he is Borderline. But I am trying to live in the “a spade is a spade zone”. I think PD’s, addiction are kind ways to describe a batterer and abusive male. While they may be at the source, I find them less important as the actual behavior is. Abusive, dangerous, and unpredictable. end story.
Sharron, Borderlines are exhausting. Impossible to communicate with in healthy way. You have put in much effort. I hope some of those are paying off, and that you have some happiness going on for you. Otherwise, is the battle worth it? I guess time will tell all here. thanks for caring
Dear Pam,
You KNOW I agree with you. Call i what you like these men are abusers first and foremost. He did abuse you Pam. Thats why you are still there…because he has worn you down. We all get worn down in my opinion…even as strong and sassy as we are…they use tactics that normal people cannot fight. Please proceed with extreme caution. I know you are worried about your daughter BUT it doesn’t sound like your home is a good place for her with the way he carries on. I am sending you strenght, light, creativity and patience for the best possible exit. Karen xx
Pam, I’m worried about you and your daughter… Never underestimate the lengths these psychos will go to… I know you must feel like you have things under control, but I can’t quit thinking about the turn of events in the Susan Powell case… http://www.time.com/time/nation/article/0,8599,2106632,00.html … Please Pam, don’t underestimate your SA. These guys are capable of anything…. Coming from a place of love (and worry) Liza
Dear Lize and KMF:
Agreed on your warnings. And believe me……I think that he is capable of anything. Rage = can lead to physical harm and murder.
That is why I am moving cautiously to collect the evidence I need to show danger. Plus, I have told my boss, my family, of all threats and what is going on. Plus, I document here as well. Send emails to Joanne after each episode. This site can and will be my journal. I truly beleive my tormented status will come to end if done in right way. thanks for your prayers.
pam- C Happinesss comes and goes. When he is not utilizing his BPD to the max, he is great. But when it cycles, which is every 2-3 weeks, he is impossible to live with. Rage, anger, and feelings of lack of control make him impossible to live with during those times. I just finished living with a week of it, and quite honestly, was thinking of throwing in the towel again. Also, one of the biggest issues with him is the lieing – the man can’t tell the truth.
We are still in separate bedrooms, I am turning off to him sexually, and told him I probably have 10-15 years left on earth and I intend make those happy years – with or without him. Nothing seems to make a dent in his behavior. I think he is too far gone. March 28th – my birthday and decisions to be made. Just don’t see how I can do it financially. Also, hard to think of giving up a beautiful home on a lake in the country. I know, superficial!
Sounds like you are handling things on your end very well. (Staying Safe). Just be careful.
My love and prayers are with you,
SharronHi there Sharron–
your 2 t0 3 week timeline sounds very familiar. Darryl cannot really go past 2 to 3 weeks without some kind of episode, be it sparked by borderline, addiction, of substance abuse.
He keeps thinking he’s getting better. I see no to very little change. But he is not a man I will argue with about it. I need to make my own judgements and decisions on that. Regardless of his input, which always to manipulate.
As far as you and Steve? Well time will tell. I think the difference here is that your marriage and attraction to each other was still relatively new. Attraction and sex is still there. But I think as time goes, and they continue to be impossible and horrible to live with, you want to have sex less and less. Then what’s in it for you? Homes matter, money matters, hell it ALL matters Sharron. Just our personal threshold that will decide whether it is worth it or not.
For me, it is not worth it. Period. But my situation is precarious to say the least. It’s not about just getting an attorney and filing here. steps and precautions need to be made prior.
- You must be logged in to reply to this topic.