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well i need to talk in some way i feel like im going crazy. im sorry ladies i know i go on and on. this is so unlike me i have always looked at life as it is what it is.until i started this what ever it was with wayne. i was taught from a very young age to just accept what is. i was never able to change that. i carried and lived that way for 45 years. i knew it was wrong i knew how to make the best of everything. but i sit here and feel sorry for myself i morn for myself. we all get to start a new year tomorrow myself included. yet i can not close this one with the way i feel. i gave up a part of something inside me when i became friends with this man. i always had this part of me so well protected that nobody was aloud to have.this part kept me safe, this part was never hurt, it was always their for me to know that i was ok. that little part of me also kept me from giving my whole self to anyone. but i knew if i didnt id never feel real love, never be true to myself. it took years to let that go, but once i did a whole new me. i let myself count, i let myself matter. i think for the first time in my life i could look at myself and like who i was it no longer was about what had happen to me. i did feel so dirty, so ugly, i was happy truly happy. funny i use to try to wash it off me when i would take a shower id turn the hot water on and get the floor brush and try to wash it out of me. you are only the second time i told that wayne knew. how crazy do you think i am now. sometimes i so do not understand myself. truth is he knew everything. i read on here how these guys manipulate maybe but i was so good at knowing people reading them. the councilor i was seeing that i read body language and that i was a expert at it. not this gut thing it never worked for me. thats why i have been able to survive life. many times i wish that things could have been different but they werent. i never had a chance really. i feel like im in a plane and its crashing fast. i think if i reread this i will delete it many times i do that. so i wont. i spent the night tring to figure out what i need right now i think i need to finnish this to the end with him. i am willing to walk away and not look back yet this part of me does not want to give up on him, i know what that like and how could i do that to him. he didnt do it to me. yes his addiction did but when i needed him the most he was there. i need him to say no he can not or will not. i am sorry this is so out there i needed to talk to someone. im not expecting a answer i know i need to find my own.
much love kattI wish I had something useful to say or was able to do something to help but I don’t. I can only send virtual hugs and light and pray for peace in your heart Katt.
This too will pass x sending love your way x stay safe, sleep tight and awake refreshed x bless you xxxxx love Jo xKatt-Katt- What a struggle you are having, and I am feeling your pain. Put the issues aside for a few days. You do not
have to work through everything at once. Take your time.
Try and clear your head and come back to it later. If I do that, things always seem to look better, and I can think more clearly.
Much love coming your way.It’s not ‘out there’ at all, katt. It makes perfect sense. You have been through more than any human being should ever have had to endure, but you’ve survived with your soul intact, and to me that is simply amazing. Be gentle with yourself, katt. Try to take things day by day.. even minute by minute. I find I get myself tied up in knots when I go down the road of ‘I have to leave him now,’ ‘I have to make this work,’ and back and forth over and over again. I think we’ve invested so much of our lives and our love that it’s near-impossible to just switch it off, even if part of us is wondering why we’re still with them. But the most important thing is your safety and well-being, katt. Protect that above all else. And keep talking about it here. We’re all here for you and care about you so much. xoxo
Katt,
Never, never, never, apologize for posting a rant. That’s exactly what we are here for and hope that you will be here for us too, when we need to do so.
I agree with everyone else that you’ve had a very difficult past and the fact that you’ve survived that with your soul intact is incredible. So, you know you have the strength to weather the storm, so to speak. But you probably thought you left your worst situations behind you.
There’s no doubt in my mind that you will figure out the what’s right for you in this current situation. It will take some time and part of the process is doing exactly what you are doing and that’s hashing it out with your friends. I do believe that your sadness is a sign of mourning. Mourning the life that you thought you had and now it’s gone. Let yourself mourn. Cry until you cannot cry anymore. It hurts, but it will help tremendously.
Please know that we all love you and we all read your posts with loving and caring hearts, hoping we can come up with words to help you heal.
Much love, Claire
Hi Katt,
The title of your forum says it all…and “emptying one’s head” is oh so important. Some of my own posts, where I’ve ended up helping myself the most, are the ones where I’ve felt like I’ve rambled. I’m not very good at consistently keeping a journal and this is my “journal with a loving and smart audience.” There’s just something about getting it out in front of you and on paper…
Also, your last sentence says a lot: ultimately, we all need to find our own answers. But it sure helps to have a supportive army of sisters behind you.
Love you and thinking of you–here to help in any way I can!!
Love Julie
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