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call me if you want… I know just how to deal with a southern gentleman…. I swear I will call his momma or grandmamma:)
901-489-8625
You cannot panic now. It is time to focus.
ok Bev. I will give you a call tomorrow. I am feeling more empowered just telling my story. We live in a small city and are in a circle of friends where everyone knows everyone….I have not told a soul and it is eating me away slowly but surely.
Take your time. Just don’t let him railroad you in the meantime …
It’s just so painful and unbelievable that the shock is overwhelming. He is not overwhelmed. He is still thinking. Be careful and don’t beat yourself up.
Sending you Prayers,
BevI felt the same way, jonsmom. I wondered: WHO is this man? What happened to the guy I married? How could I have been so wrong? How could I have chosen HIM to be my daughter’s father? How could I have brought HIM into the lives of my other 3 children, who were already damaged enough by their bio dad? How could the man I dated be CAPABLE of this much deception, perversion, evil? I wanted it all to go away, to be a bad dream. And if not that, I wanted for him to be so sorry that he turned himself inside out to make it right, to make amends, to help me heal. But that’s not the way it works. THEY don’t work that way. Whatever it is that they have (or lack) that enables them to perpetrate these crimes against us is the same thing that makes it impossible for them to make it right. That THING has to be dealt with, exorcised, whatever. And that takes a lot of work on THEIR part and a lot of patience on ours. It’s a slow, dangerous road. The life after discovery is ugly, barren, cold.
Dear Jonsmom:
So sorry, for your discovery. I hope that you will take time for you and find support. This site is a great place to start. but you can’t bottle it up inside with no where to go. post. keep posting. it will help.
Some women prefer to live in denial, because the pain is too great. it gets swept under the rug, like it didn’t happen. and life goes on as somewhat “normal”, until the next episode.
But the danger there is, addiction can/will escalate. it may be 1 year. it may be 10. but if your H made an appt this time (“and didn’t keep it”) what happens the next time? do you really want to monitor the activity of an addict who is not recovery? what a painful existance that would be.
seeing the truth is really hard. and more hard to accept — however without it, we can never heal, or manage the behavior that endagers our safety and our marriages. But he must get on board. You can’t fix it. But you can demand certain activities be refrained from , and a program be followed that makes you feel safer than you do now.
you are brave Jonsmom. I know you said you feel weak. and anyone would under the circumstances. but i want to commend you for being brave enough to post and reach out. it is a really big start. hugs.
@March – My thoughts exactly.
And, you know what else completely sucks….we think that since we are willing to sacrifice so much for them, support them, forgive them, understand them, ad naseum…we think they will be grateful and appreciate how faithful and understanding we are…what wonderful, committed women we are (for at least trying) to forgive them and make this right.
But you know what? I think they secretly just laugh at us behind our backs for how gullible and credulous we are – the more we prove our loyalty, the more they mentally note how much they can get away with (or pull one over on us…).
The sad fact (in my opinion…) is that if they truly got healthy, did the work, made the changes…that they wouldn’t want us anymore anyway. They would look at us with condescension and view us as weak and stupid for standing by them (because despite their deep flaws, they must wonder on some level who in their right mind would stand by a monster like them…). I believe the sanctimonious “addict in recovery” would want someone fresh and new, someone who was “stronger” and who didn’t subconciously remind them of their evil past. Your thoughts??
FFI
Hmmm…March. That was a passionate post.
FFI, I read somewhere (I’m always reading) an interesting line. Something like, “Once they are exposed they have to move on to redefine themselves in the eyes of another lover.”
I think you are describing the core of a narcissist. Have you read up much on that? They choose strong competent women to compensate for their lack of self esteem, to reflect back to them what they wish they were. (while we are still duped) But as they break us down and we start to dance to their tune, they lose respect and then turn on us. When we figure the whole scenario out… it is game over.
My H, now that he is admitting certain family of origin stuff and his escalating behaviors, is doing his own recovery and it is in spite of me. He has to blame me or push against me to maintain his self. It seems that the caring wife, the understanding-stick-by-her-man, is used and then reviled.
I made a mental note one time when we had an relatively minor episode We were fighting it out, he never told the whole truth and then when I said I didn’t want to hurt anybody, I could see him visibly relax and sigh. He won and I realized that this is the game. It was a profound moment for me.
Anyway, great topic, FFI. You are on to something big.
Love, Debora
Jonsmom,
BTW – regarding his wanting to delete the emails so that it “heals” both of you. Pure bullshit. You know that, I’m sure. My SAH pulled that one as well. He went on my phone to try and delete the incriminating CL ad that I found – because he said that he didn’t want me to “agonize” over it. Really? He was just trying to protect his butt from humiliation. That was probably the first time that I realized he was being truly disingenuous after the first disclosure/discovery. In a word ….yuck.
It’s so easy to fall into denial – and hun, it’s OK to go in and out of it. Denial protects us until we are ready to face reality. I go in and out of it myself.
Like you – I think that our SAH’s are not entirely good or entirely bad. I believe that their “stuff” is caused by childhood trauma – and became a coping mechanism for their pain. For me – I eat ice cream and chocolate – these guys have a much more sinister and unhealthy coping mechanism. And the shame of it (unless they are psychopaths) makes them even more secretive and give them a vested interest in pushing it under the carpet. If you ran over a child in your street – you probably wouldn’t want to talk about it all the time. These guys desperately want to “put it all behind them”……or move onto another addiction, or hide it better the next time. Recovery isn’t on most of their minds as it seems too tedious and boring (vs. the intensity and excitement of their secret life).
One thing to be careful of is that many times sex addiction come from eroticized rage – hidden under the surface and a way to “even the score” with you. Although he may seem like a charming Southern gentleman – he may, under the surface, wish to hurt you emotionally….so be careful.
I think it’s critical for you to be able to confide with someone in person…..do you have a good friend, therapist or minister to talk to about all of this?
Deb
Hi, Jonsmom,
I am so sorry for what you are dealing with. I can pretty much guarantee that what you found is just the tip of the iceberg. And it is scary as hell to find that out, especially when leaving means total upheaval for you and your family.
There are no easy answers right now, and you do want to believe his lies and for things to go back to “normal”. And you think you maybe should give them the benefit of the doubt because you love them.
If you can get him out of the house, it would help you get some distance and after awhile some clarity. Find a good therapist and attorney to advise you.
Debora- your narcissist description hit home for me. It helps me understand why I am being treated with so much contempt, which is actually for me the most painful part of this. To have loved him and stood beside him in his illness and then be treated like this is so humiliating.
Thank you all so much for helping me feel less crazy. Deb…I, like you turn to ice cream! There is so much more going on here….this is so bigger than I imagined. You know, my whole married life I have felt that H was emotionally detached from me. He seems to loath the control I have, but has always wanted me to be in control. I think like a little kid, he is “rebelling” in a way to get back at me for being a strong woman. I think he secretly wants whores because he can dominate them in a way he can’t do to me. I was a successful business owner…..very independent for a long time and the primary bread winner until 2 years ago when I walked away to raise my children. I am the “prude” he tells me….the good girl he won and parades by his side. I am strong willed, and used to be confident, until all this shit. My mom stayed in a dysfunctional marriage for years, and I hated her weakness. She truly must be laughing at me from heaven, as I now know the strength and courage she had to muster just to face each day! The crazy thing now is this. So he has these dumbass “pillar of community” friends and partners at work who send each other pictures of women and porn…..just for fun. Well, he knows I am watching his every move. And he says it is unfair for his friends (who are married to friends of mine) because they think they are sending this in confidence and it is meaningless. WTF??? I said well they are a bunch of assholes and not good guys and he got so defensive. I told him he should tell them he has a problem with the emails and they should stop…..but of course, the problem is he DOESN’T have a problem with them! He has a problem with me seeing his secret life, yes? He is getting angry with me because the “cat is out of the bag”. I have made him and his dumbass friends look like tools. He said “all men do this”. I call bullshit. I asked him did he think our minister exchanges pictures of girls and their big boobs and laugh about it with his coworkers. ALL MEN CAN’T BE LIKE THIS!!!
And I say all of this because he came home very mad at me yesterday because he knows I saw some emails come across his computer since “I watch his every move like his mommy”. He is demented…..
Thanks Teri, but I don’t know
my reality is such a mess it is all getting blurred at this point! 🙂 I have spent hours looking at posts. My heart breaks for you and your situation scares the hell out of me. I, like you am homeschooling a son that school failed. But my H is using that as a way to make me stay with him…..he says he doesn’t want to be the reason for DS to regress. Nice of him yes? haha…..I know he says that now. But he has a very spiteful streak. He is only playing nice because I am staying. I know he will turn on me, which in turn is going to hurt my children. It is so fucked up! I did nothing wrong—and neither did you!!@Deborah – YES! I completely agree. And, while likely co-morbid with other personality disorders, I would bet that most of these guys are certifiable narcissists. There is that school of thought – that Sex Addiction is actually a manifestation of Narcissistic Personality Disorder. And, you know what they say about Narcs…women are viewed as either Madonnas or Whores…there is nothing in between.
FFI,
My therapist confirmed a lot of that. It was straight up madonna/whore complex. I don`t know how that helps but it is tue.Hey Laurie,
You are doing great. Just stop and think what you have been thru. Give yourself some time. You are way ahead of the curve already.Dear Jonsmom,
You are clearly a very savvy woman who has already avoided lots of the mistakes we made. I just want to say that I wish we could post some great success stories, but we don’t have them. We have a few women on this site who have some guys who appear to be working away on recovering their humanity, and making real effort not be prick to their wives. But it’s rare, and no one knows if they will make it after all.This is not about destroying your hope. It’s about locating it in their right places. I firmly believe in the hope that is in us. I can not recommend women place their hope in these men or in recovery programs that aren’t even close to getting at what’s going on with these guys. Our hope has to begin in ourselves. If we find our sea legs there, we will move forward as we are able. We can leave room for the men to change their own lives, without being caught up in their drama, lies, game-playing, denials. And we can keep safe from the recovery programs that actually turn us into co-dependents by handing us responsibilities to monitor and check and listen to the lies again and again, and go to endless appts with people who do not have our wellbeing as any priority at all.
imo.
Diane.OMG! I have never heard of the Madonna/Whore complex but this is absolutely my situation!!! I am my H’s mother….remember last night he said, “how am I supposed to tell my friends to stop sending me pictures because my mommy watches everything I do?”. And I am his mother—he has severe ADHD….I do EVERYTHING for this man. At work, his assistant keeps him in line (and although she is not a physical threat to me, he def has an inappropriate “mommy” connection with her too). He is messed up! I just read an article on it….my H is as fucked up as Tiger Woods!! LOL
jonsmom-I think a lot of these guys have the Madonna/Whore complex I really think my h does. He can relate to the pigs he triggers on and what I called his porn queen on the internet, but can’t relate to me. I agree, they do think of us as their mothers and then they resent us for it. Can’t win.
You know what Laurie? The next time your h makes a crack about you being his mommy you need to tell that mf that if he would man the fuck up, be the man, husband and father he’s meant to be, quit cheating on you with porn and sex ads (which it IS cheating btw), stop acting like a horny damn teenager whose hiding his porn stash from his mommy under his “bed” then you could be only a mom to the kids you gave birth to instead of to the one you married.
I told mine that a time or two.
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