Our New Sister. Mary–Her Story

welcome mary sorry you are here. please read everything here, the more you do the more your eyes will open to this sa crap. i know from myself that i thought my partner was different, my first d-day was july 2010 it was like a death for me. i believed he was doing the right things my next death day was march 2011. i will never believe him again. they will lie to protect them selves, their addiction at any cost. make a plan for yourself we all need to have a back up, even if he does do recovery we still need to protect ourselves. keep posting here these woman are the greatest they understand they do.
much love katt

Oh, dearest Mary,
what an awful ride you’ve had!!!
As you get to know us, you will find we each have a different voice and approach. Take us all in stride, we’re doing our best.
My thing is usually to focus on you and what you need. I believe one of the traps of this whole sex addiction world is that we are set aside to focus of saving him, when you are going down the drain yourself!
You therapists remarks about not pushing you husband away are BIG RED FLAGS for me. You need your own therapist who will treat the TRAUMA that you have been dealing with. What’s good for him, comes after recovering and healing yourself.
Most of us have had SA’s who also tell us how much they love us, and will do anything to keep us, and are trying so hard, blah blah blah. So sorry if we don’t trust those words. They haven’t actually turned out to mean much in the end. The real test of this whole thing is if you get what you need from a therapist, and they do their work themselves. This constantly involving you in their treatment means you don’t get any help at all, and are pulled the rabbit hole with them.

Most women here don’t buy in to the co-dependent or co-addict labels, although have used the groups for much needed support at certain times. Our main concern is that YOUR LIFE and YOUR EXPERIENCE of this trauma are not interpreted through his addiction, but are treated in and of themselves. Zumbagirl give some good advice. REAd REAd REad. The learning curve on this whole thing is huge, Mary.

I’m glad you’ve come and shared your story. You deserve better, and I hope your SA gets the help he needs.

Diane.

Dear Mary

I have to bear witness as a third, that the above post are so true and relevant for your situation. I am very sorry that you got hurled into this dark world, it is a dangerous spiral, his addiction and sickness. Please be careful not to let it swallow you, have your own therapist. Please don’t listen to his. I agree, major major red flag, on the pushing him away idea. And remember, your addict is EXTREMELY aware of your buttons and knows just how to manipulate them. Like “Mary, even my therapist says your anger is pushing me away, and that if you were more attentive, I wouldn’t have been so lonely”. I am making that up, but it would be a good example of what they do. It completely minmimizes and dismisses your pain, trauma and hurt and forces no accountability for the pain your H has caused you. You have earned the right to be angry at HIM. So sorry for all you have been through, it is a most painful discovery. Please take care of you, and post often, seek help and information, as much as you can.

Hi Mary, so sorry for your pain. It’s only been a week and so much has has happened. When I read you story, big red flag about the comment that you should supersede your anger.. I am sure you have read about codependence. Codependence has a lot to do with supressing your feelings and needs for the wants of others. So really you ate allowed to be whomever you want and do whatever you want to do for you. And of that is to leave and not see your h for a year so be it. This addiction has nothing to do with. It was there before you, during you and it ill be there after you.hope to see you back on soon, love flora

Hello ladies!

Thank you all for your words and sharing your advice with me. It good for me to hear everything!

I firstly want to say that I think I may have misrepresented my therapist in my original post. I was close to wrapping up what I was typing and had typed so much and didn’t want to post a novel so I didn’t really explain all that went into the “pushing him away” remark.

My husband and I have made a pack to make our marriage work and both are excited to see what we can have at the other side of all of this pain. We both met people in our perspective meetings last night who have been working their program for 10 years plus with no relapse and a happier better stronger marriage than the marriage they had before his disease was discovered and they had to walk through all of the horrible awful ugly pain. Those types of stories give us both hope.

The therapist is working with both of us individually and as a couple. He knows the trauma I’ve been through and he knows that I’m in pain and that I have anger and could even have PTSD. He is aware of this and is actively working with me on these issues and working with me on how to deal with these issues in a healthy way. I do have some co-dependent tendencies. I fit the profile pretty well but I’ve worked on things like that in therapy in the past dealing with different type of situations. So we’re working on those things too and I’ve always struggled even in my professional life on how to be assertive rather than aggressive; so he’s also helping me with that.

He’s also working with my husband on what he calls deep deep character defects and how he has a lot of work to do and has explained to my husband how difficult it will be. He is specifically working with him on intimacy issues, Compulsive lying, Selfishness, Empathy and finally his sick sex addiction. He is even contemplating referring him out to a licensed sex therapist b/c of his serious problem and also requiring him to go to 2 or more SA meeting a week for 3 months. He is very truly concerned about him not getting well and my well being.

For our marriage he says that our marriage is like a patient who is intensive care on life support and it’s in very serious trouble and that it needs lots of “medicine” to survive. The medicine he says is the spiritual work that we do for ourselves and that is the most important work we do.

He firstly asked us both separately if we wanted to stay in the marriage if we were willing to do the work to help the marriage survive. We both said yes. So he is working with me to learn how to walk through this pain experience this pain and to process it not suppress it. And when I react to my husband about things when I’m having a moment a wave of pain/hurt/sadness/flashback of what has happened to try not to spew mean awful venom at him especially if I truly want to move forward with my marriage b/c he is working on his program and his problems too. Learning how to be an adult. And I hope and pray that he is serious and that he does change and that it does take. I am hopeful.

I did see my therapist tonight and I did tell him about this website and I told him about Lexie’s post b/c that’s the only one I had seen when I saw him. And I asked him….Isn’t she talking about her own experience and not mine? Is she right? Are these things going to happen? And he said, “She may be right” he could do that, it’s possible. And I know that it’s possible and I’m scared to death that it won’t. And I’m so sorry and I mean so very sorry for those of you who have gone through this more than one time. I don’t know how I would live through it I truly thought I was going to melt away and die. But for now I’m holding on to hope, so much hope.

I am taking care of myself. I am continuing to eat healthy and exercising and I’ve been on a weight loss plan and I’m sticking to that and continuing to lose weight. I’ve lost 63 pounds since February! And the big step I took today was reaching out to a divorce attorney, the highest rated divorce attorney in our city to speak with her about a finance meeting so that I know where I am financially in case something does happen I do have a plan. It’s sad and I wish this was not my reality but it is. And for now I have chosen to stay and deal with it.

I fear that what all of you say is true and that he is fooling me and that he’s going to act out again. I don’t know though I’m just so confused. He hasn’t once blamed me for this or hinted around that this in anyway had anything to do with me. So wish me luck lend me your support and I will lend mine as well.

Thanks again for everything!

~Mary

Hi again, Mary,
Thanks for checking back in with lots more of your story. It’s always hard to get it all in the first time you post! And, wow, you’ve really done well taking care of yourself with diet and exercise. Sometimes we get depressed and eat our way into deeper depression. Thanks for the inspiration to do the opposite!

This is a very confusing experience, and it can be even more confusing because once you’ve survived d-day, you then have to learn so much, figure out what you can and cannot do to fix it, and also come to terms with what might not be achievable. Some days are spent in the pit, I tell you.

If your therapist has limited experience with sex addiction, I might be shopping around a bit. But since the treatment models are so deficient and unsuccessful, I don’t actually know if it matters anymore. What does matters is that you have the support you need to put yourself back together and review your options as more information about your SA becomes apparent. It’s good that you found an attorney to have as resources, as well. It’s sad, but true.

I’m very sorry you are in this situation. One day at a time. And please remember there is actually NOTHING that you can do or not do that will affect your husband’s addiction or recovery. NOTHING. Please don’t step into a role that suggests otherwise. He and he alone is responsible, and must take responsibility for his life and what he wants it to be.

lots of light,
Diane.

Speaking of COSA (blech), my old COSA group became POSA (Partners of Sex Addicts), because none of us wanted to be labeled co-anything. Check out http://www.posarc.com.

March – I like the way your group thinks!

Mary,
I’m new here too but not to the sex addict thing. My world was imploded back in June 2010 and again in September 2010. I would just like to comment on a few things:

1. My husband’s main pornographic media was his iPhone. I never even considered such a thing. Heck… my KIDS have iPhones! If I would have realized that a smart phone was equivalent to somebody carry VOLUMES of pornography around in their pocket, I wouldn’t have bought some for my children.

2. I am so sorry you read and saw all that stuff!!!! How truly awful for you! You can never “unknown” things you’ve learned. But you can stop! DO NOT snoop or ninja. Some may disagree with that and I know it is a difficult thing to do. But I believe that you need to work on recovering from this trauma. Knowing what he is doing or not doing will be off no help to you. Only harm can come from it.

3. All the snooping in the world won’t stop him. Take his phone. Shut off the internet and the cable. He can just buy another phone. Go buy a magazine. Have a DVD hidden. Use a payphone or his work telephone to set up appointments with the escorts. I could go on and on. My point is simple… you CANNOT stop him, only torture yourself trying. I had a friend who’s husband was masturbating to her aerobics videos while she slept.

4. Perhaps the two of you together with the help of a sex addiction therapist can work on a plan on how to limit his possible exposure to sexual material. But for me, it was very important that my husband choose which methods to use and implement them, not me. I don’t want to be his mother.

5. Go to the website for the International Institute for Trauma and Addiction Professionals and you can find a Certified Sex Addiction Therapist to go to. My husband was going to a well meaning psychologist and I believe the man was doing more harm than good.

6. Read a lot and listen a lot. You will read a lot of conflicting things. Who is right and who is wrong? Only you can decide. Take from it the information that is useful to you. My husband is confused often by what he feels are very conflicting things the 12 step teaches and his sponsor says compared to the psychologist.

7. When you read the statistics, things do look grim. Only 5% of addicts stay in recovery for life. (they will never be “recovered”) Sex addiction isn’t like coke addiction. You can’t find cocaine EVERYWHERE like you can with sex and sexual material. (I know one guy who was given an iPad at the mechanic to occupy his time… first thing he did was go to a porn site) I truly believe that in order to be “one of the few” it will take making active recovery steps for life. They say that those people who are comfortable in their recovery because they are doing SO WELL, are the most susceptible to relapse. Our CSAT tells us that it is almost a guarantee he will relapse but you need to learn hoe to handle it and what to do in order to ensure the “slip” doesn’t turn into 3 years of secret indulgence. Ultimately he has a 95% chance of failure. But that gives a 5% chance of success. Only you can decide if it’s worth the risk. I’m having a very hard time with that.

8. Lastly, you will read over and over again that you need to go into recovery from the trauma, your husband needs to work the program and get himself together and THEN you will both be healthy enough to work on your marriage. For now, neither of your goals should be your marriage. It should be to your own personal recovery. If you are going to COSA or S-anon and he is going to SA or SAA and you both feel you are benefiting, you may want to consider going to RCA. (Recovering Couples Anonymous)

Best of luck! Hope to see you back.

Hi Mary
I’m new to the site as well and I’m really sorry u are hear. Not anywhere I ever expected to be in life. None of us did.
I’m still w my sah too and like dazed said wanted to help him souch with his addiction bc I do not believe it is the core of who he is. I think he is a good guy who used porn and masterbation as a way to cope. His behavior escalated and what Lexie mentions about there not being an only or one time etc is true. There is more. I would have sworn I knew everything but I was wrong. And maybe I still don’t. But at least for today I am taking care of me
I understand ur love for your husband and admire your willingness to work on your marriage But I encourage you to do it with your eyes open and a plan in place.
My say recently had a relapse and is now on mess to help w OCD and he’s doing well. Going to meetings to therapy to church. Owning his issues and his addiction and beginning to see that I am not the source of all that ails him. And as happy as i am for him and as supportive as I continue to be. I can’t help but wonder if the damage is already done.
I love him, I want him to get healthy and to be happy but I’m not sure I want to be married to someone with a sex addiction. Someone who will relapse at some point. I don’t think I want to be in a marriage where I have to accept this is a part of his diesease and That a relapse will most likely occur so that I need to have a plan to deal with it. I signed up for better or worse and I know this but if this would have been in the pre marital contract, I wouldn’t have signed. Sorry am rambling. Just coming off of te relapse disclosure
my point is we do support u. It ma not feel like it at times, you may hear things you don’t want to hear, but it is said from experience, but not necessarily the experience you will have with your husband
I wish you the best of luck, it is a difficult place to be but there are women here who have been there and will be here to offer support and love no matter what u choose
god bless
Anna

Thanks again to all of you for your wonderful words of wisdom. The pain I feel coming through is deep and I can relate. I am very very worried that he will relapse I mean the odds are against him and we talk about it. He doesn’t blame me for his problem he blames low self esteem and lack of social skills. He is quite the introvert. But of course I thought he was just quiet and mysterious when I met him. Ha!

He does talk a good game he is very convincing as I know most are I can’t turn my back on him now but I am working on myself. But I find myself in a whirlwind of worried panic when I continually think about him relapsing. Is he worth the risk of being hurt again? Maybe, there’s a 5% chance he is, right?

He’s has plans on what to do when he has the thoughts of watching porn or acting out he was home alone last night while I was at the therapist and he told me he thought about it…He says his difficult times is just when he’s bored. But he resisted and didn’t go to his phone or his computer and he found things he could do around the house to keep him busy and he was really proud of himself and happy that he didn’t have to deal with the shame and guilt that comes along with those bad choices. Is he just saying all of the things that he thinks that he is supposed to be saying? Is he really looking at porn and sleeping with escorts currently as we go through this stage of our life? I really don’t think so and if he is then eventually it will show it’s ugly ugly evil self and I will be gone. I can’t go through it again. I tell myself that but WILL I REALLY? I don’t know, I would like to think I would. My therapist even told me that I would need to end the marriage if that happens.

We are sort of in a honeymoon stage with each other sort of like we were when we first started dating and it’s fun and we’re happy. I know that sound strange but it does feel good b/c we haven’t been like this for years. But know that just because that is happening doesn’t mean that the pain doesn’t surface quite a bit it’s not a great feeling not at all.

I don’t know if I’m coping with it, dealing with it, accepting it for what it was and hoping for the best or if I’m in denial or what but I seem to be getting through this better than I expected. I do cry and I mean cry a lot but I really have had a lot of messed up things happen to me in my life that I’ve developed an internal coping system. And I then to have an open mind and lean more to have more liberal views about things. I’m 45 years old and had my first sexual experience when I was in high school married when I was 23 divorced at 26 then a single independent woman for 10 years until I the person I call my husband today. So you could say that I’ve had my fun. So I guess I tell myself it could be worse I could be shocked and never knew anything like what’s going on. I do take it very seriously please don’t get me wrong there. I just think that well I think deep down I knew and was sort of prepared for it but at the same time blown away.

I also keep going back to how desperate he is. How much he hates the feeling after he acts out and how much guilt and shame he carries around with him and he feels so clean and fresh and new not having that in his system. He desperately want to learn and gain as many tools as he can so that he doesn’t do this anymore.

He had a similar problem in college but it was not going to class b/c he was too tired or had not completed the assignment etc etc and he was scared of how everyone in that class would react if he went back after missing 3 days then 4 days then a week. Some classed not at all and he took incompletes because that to him was better than facing everyone. He knows now those thoughts and feeling are not right and that he has a lot of hard work in front of him. So yes, I am taking care of me. Though we share a therapist this therapist has my best interest in mind and lots of great suggestions for me to help me work through the trauma the pain and to heal.

Fingers crossed tightly and filled to the rim with hope and working a plan to put in my back pocket; HOPING AND PRAYING I never have to use it.

Thanks again lovely ladies! xoxo

Thanks Lexie…That really did help. We both read that and it speaks volumes to us. And as sad as it was it kind of took some wind out of our sails so that we’re not thinking it’s going to be great from here on out. We know it will get real and bad and real bad and I can only hope that he doesn’t relapse.

I’m kind of in a bad spot right now you know when those thoughts come over you. I’m thinking of my birthday (just saw some photos from that weekend) it was labor day weekend. I was so happy and thinking everything was wonderful in my life and there is my husband smiling arm around me posing in the pictures. Little did I know only days before he was sending emails to his former stylist trying to get her to have sex with him again and days after meeting an escort for lunch to have sex in her home. In those photos that escort appointment has already been set. And I sit here and think to myself I was so blind (no my marriage was not perfect we did have some problems) but now I can’t help but wonder….won’t he do that again? Everything I read tells me it’s very likely. It just makes me so hurt angry and scared.

I think I want to move on with my life and put the past behind me I need to feel my feelings I need to process these feeling and I need to deal with these feelings on my time and then move on. But wow, how long is that going to take? How long will it be before I can look at pictures from 2011 before D-day and not hurt from the thought of the stranger in those photos I thought was my husband? I don’t think I will ever be able to 100% trust him again regardless of what he proves to me. But I also think this has ruined me for any relationship I feel that I won’t trust anyone ever 100% ever again.

He is scared that he will relapse too he is reading the same things that I am reading and he’s aware that his chances are not good and he wants to have outlets and people he can reach out to when triggers arrive. I don’t know if that’s a good sign a bad sign a sign of a liar or what to make of that. But I guess only time will tell.

I’m just glad that I have found all of you!
~Mary