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Hello all,
I am so thankful to be here. I have been married to my SA for 17 (almost 18) LONG years! A little about me first – unlike many partners of SA’s, I grew up in an all American family! Not exactly the Cleaver’s, but close! 🙂 I am 48 years old, I have 3 wonderful brothers, my parents stayed married for over 42 years until my Mom’s death 9 years ago this month. My Dad is 77, alive and well, still living in the old family homestead in Speedway, In. I have great childhood memories and no history of abuse of any kind. We weren’t the perfect family by any means, but lots of love and affection and enough to go around for us all. I have one son from a previous marriage and no other children. SA has no biological children. (that I know of, anyway) Ugh!
My son is 22 and a senior at Purdue University. He has just been accepted into their Pharm D program so he will be staying up there for an additional 4 years and emerging as a doctor! Yay! (A mother’s dream come true) He is one of the best guys out there and I thank God that all this SA business over the last 17 years (before I even knew it existed) has not affected him, at least in a negative way. (He knows exactly what he DOESN’T want in a marriage). My son is also fully aware of the situation and very supportive of me and my biggest fan by far. If I didnt do anything else right in this world, I raised a damn fine young man and I wish each of you could meet him personally. Ok, that’s the good news, lets move on to the yukky stuff…..My SA and I met at work back in 1989 and we were friends first. He was 34 and I was 29. We didn’t start dating until 1992 and married in 1994. We were living together in a rented house in Speedway while we were engaged and we were in the process of building a beautiful custom home in the suburbs as our wedding date approached. I mention this because I had red flag number one before we ever got married! We worked in manufacturing, although he was a Supervisor and I worked in Purchasing. I found out while engaged and living together that he was screwing around with not one but two women in our Plant (they both worked out in the factory, not that it matters). I was just destroyed! How could this be? Our home was 1/2 finished and our wedding was in a couple of months! We had SO MANY plans! I look back at that discovery and think why in the hell didn’t I call off the whole thing then and there? What in the world was I thinking? He BS’d his way through it, sowing oats before marriage, etc. GRRRRR!! I was an idiot to let it slide, but that’s what I did.
We had great sex before marriage and almost immediately after it stopped. He didn’t seem in the least bit interested in me romantically. I tried everything! Lost weight, cleaned more, cooked more, thought of anything and everything to try to keep him happy and interested in me. I tried to talk to him about it to no avail…. He fed me so many lines of shit throughout our relationship, I have forgotten most of them. For a couple of years, I would try to initiate sex here and there but after awhile, I finally gave up. He acted like the perfect husband and stepdad to anyone and everyone, when actually, he was neither at any time throughout these long years. Basically, he was an asshole to me and my son most of the time. He was good about holidays and gifts and special occasions, I will give him that. But mostly, it was when other people were around he was on best behavior but at home, he ignored us both. He and my son never really did get along. I think my son smelled a rat early (he was only 6 when we were married) and the two of them had very few similiar interests, if any. My son has been patiently waiting for me to leave for years and it is bittersweet that I finally get up the nerve to do it AFTER he is essentially out of the house. (One of my many regrets). So…through the years there was always shady things going on that would pop up once or twice a year. Too many prank phone calls when we use to have a home phone, suspitious activity on his cell phone back in the days before touch phones and passwords. (And let me just say while I am thinking about it that my SA has had a problem for many, many, years going back to magazines and porn as a teenager, but this age of technology has tremendously contributed to his demise.) Also, there have been a handful of nights that he just flat out never came home. Usually, he would pick a ridiculous and meaningless fight with me a day or two prior, and use that as an excuse to hit the road and not come home. Why in the hell I never threw all his shit out in the yard or driveway at our lovely home and changed the locks and maybe even had a “yard card” out there to let the neighbors all know what a cheating bastard he was, I’ll never know. For the first few years, I would be very upset and cry and try to talk about it, insist on counseling which he would half ass attempt for a few sessions and then make up excuses and yet, I never insisted that we stick with it (another regret) and we became masters of sweeping all conflicts under the rug. Always. We never argue, we just don’t talk about anything important instead. Prior to SA, I loved my life and frankly, I loved being “me”. I truly did. Over the last 17 years, I have been slowly tortured and beat down (not physically cause that would mean he would have to touch me) to the point where I don’t recognize myself anymore. I have a great family and many great girlfriends but I have managed to distance myself pretty much from everyone at one time or another all because of SA even before I knew he was an SA. I just knew he was an asshole and I wasn’t happy. But here’s the thing, all that being said, SA could also be alot of fun. And back in the day, we seemed to have alot in common and think the same way on so many issues and we were best friends in alot of ways. As soon as I got over the intimacy thing and written that off as a chapter of my life that was over (at about age 33 for crying out loud), many other things in our lives were ok. I know it sounds weird. I actually had an affair when I was about 36 and hadn’t had sex for oh, maybe 3 or 4 years. I know it was wrong to do that but I was desperate. The SA had control over me on some level for whatever reason and I didn’t want to leave him but I wanted and needed some intimacy. I met this guy and he was hot and a sweetheart to boot and honestly, girls, we fell in love and had a relationship for like 2 years and finally I was ready to leave SA and I knew he wouldn’t care anyway cause he hardly noticed me half the time, so I worked up the nerve to tell him and the man got on his hands and knees and begged me not to go. Took complete responsibility for my unhappiness (and I was honest with him about my boyfriend) and proclaimed his undying love for me and promised to do everything to make it right, blah, blah, blah…so I broke this awesome guy’s heart and fell for my SA’s bs (once again) and 12 years later or whatever, we are in as worse shape as ever before. In fact, over the last couple of years, we haven’t even been friends hardly. We have obligatory dinner together each evening and thats it. Otherwise, he stares at the tv all night and I creep around the house and do my own thing. One night in January, my son’s roomate at college (and best friend since 1st grade) called him up and told him that SA was in her place of employment (a restaurant in Lafayette, Indiana) ON A DATE! My son immediately called and told me. Of course, SA said that he had a business dinner and then a third shift meeting at 10 pm and would be home about 11:30. All the while, he is on a date 60 miles from home. I wasn’t crushed but a little surprised since we had good holidays a few weeks before so I guess I was disappointed. Of course, I didn’t confront him at all and swept it under rug with all the other trash. I started to notice after that he spent a little too much time on the home computer lately so I finally installed a key logger and Lord have mercy, I had NO IDEA about the double life. WOW. I discovered email accounts, singles sites, credit card information that I previously had no access to since my name is not on it, etc. I spent two months this winter doing NOTHING but obsessing over his double life. It got pretty bad and I was in a dark place for awhile. I have been trying to come up with a plan for myself and figure out how the hell to get out of this mess. There is so much more to this story. Can I sum it up to say this:
Since I have been with him, he has lied and lied and lied, cheated on me NUMEROUS times (too many to count- all the ones I knew about and the hundreds that I did not), he has given me genital herpes, he promised me he wanted at least one child together and that was a lie and I know thank GOD we didn’t but still knowingly robbed me of my dream to
have more children, has been an SA for our entire marriage but I just found out 3 months ago, is a total and complete PREDATOR on the singles sites, oh my god, after watching how he lies to these women, I would NEVER try a singles site – no way!! He is a complete idiot and big time liar (think “Online” by Brad Paisley for all you country music lovers), he has been doing this our entire marriage. I found emails dating back to 2005 and I know he was doing it way before that. He actually had relationships with countless women. I mean, met their kids (he doesn’t even like kids), gave them rides in his corvette, wined them, dined them, all the while practically harassing me about every penny and I worked two jobs most of our marriage!!!! He doesn’t like pets and he tells them he is such an animal lover if they ask and blah, blah, it would almost be comical if this wasn’t my life at stake here. I would read his lies and sometimes cry and sometimes laugh. I couldn’t f’ing believe it! I don’t know how much of our freaking money he has spent on extra marital affairs, but don’t worry, I have hired a bull dog female attorney and I hope to stick it to him like he has been sticking it to everyone else all these years!! (Including me and all those freaking ladies out there). I am so messed up and numb from this, I actually found myself sympathizing with these women who sent him boo hoo emails onced he used and abused them and then just ignored them till they went away. Ever heard the song Jar of Hearts? Fits him to a T. He is nothing but a narcisstic bastard. Guess who is his hero, by the way? Yup, Charlie Sheen!! Really, Dude?
I have had one foot out the door for years but like others have said, I have been “frozen”. I just never had the guts, nerve, balls, whatever to break away and take care of myself. He was such a control freak and perfectionist, he took care of everything for me and I gladly let him. Other than the whole SA crap, I actually have a very charmed life. Too bad I can’t deal with SA shit anymore. Can’t even look myself in the mirror. I have GOT to get out for my sanity at this point. I don’t even know myself anymore. And ironically, all the other times I tried to leave, I had a decent job, good insurance, lots of support, etc. Now, I am at the worst possible stage in my life right now – and I don’t even care – I want to leave anyway. I am laid off from my job, I have my insurance through him of course, I have no plans on where in the world I am going to live, I DO have a job but it is just waitressing and without benefits. And, the worst thing of all and this kills me to admit, but I was in such a funk last summer and desperate to do anything to get his attention….. well, of course he is one of those who LOVES something for nothing…so I went on a little shoplifting spree (oh my god, it kills me to even type the words), so I could come home with a bag of goodies and get a couple pats on the head and maybe a high five and his attention for five minutes, and guess what?? I got caught. Yep, went to freaking jail and everything. Unbelievable. What the hell was I thinking? I had NEVER been in trouble with the law in 47 years. Now this. It just shows what the hell my life had came down to. It was the most horrible experience ever and obviously I haven’t ever done it again. It cost me a fortune, was on probation for about 3 months, and had to do 40 hours of community service. That is all fine and dandy, BUT NOW I HAVE A RECORD! Who the hell wants to hire I thief? I wouldn’t. It just makes me sick to think about it. All my life, I was a trustworthy person with good jobs, lots of responsibilities, company credit cards in my name, etc. Now, I will never be trusted again and it is a shame because I am a very good worker and employees love me and I get along with everyone, etc. but I have tarnished my good name. And all because I have been in a sick relationship with a sick individual for far too long and I was bored and depressed and off my rocker and out doing something STUPID, taking things I didn’t even need. I am so ashamed of myself. My husband and my son are the only two people in the world that know this secret and now my sisters. Another reason to dread the divorce, he will have a hay day out there telling all our friends and family what I did last summer and what a bad person I am and that is why he is divorcing me and blah, blah,…. and people will be shocked. It will break my poor Dad’s heart to hear it. I am really just disgusted with myself all the way around.
Because I know you will ask, I did have an appointment with a counselor, but it didn’t go too well. It was two weeks ago. It was a man for one thing and I think I am going to have to go female on this one. This guy was a general counselor and I think I truly need someone who specializes in SA. We just didn’t click and frankly he was pretty much a jerk and probably an SA himself. lol… I am in the process of trying to find someone and set up my next appt ASAP. I really need it. I did go to my family doctor and explain everything. She gave me an hour of her time and was just super about everything. She prescribed an antidepressent for me which is another FIRST in my suddenly miserable life but I am willing to give just about anything a shot at this point. I am trying to do a little something every day in working toward my goal of getting out of this hell hole. For now, I haven’t even brought any of it up to SA yet and I am contemplating just having him served first, and then discussing it later, if he even wants to discuss it this time. Who knows? Maybe he will be at the same place as me and not even ask for an explanation or anything but I doubt it. I have thought about telling him first, but I just don’t trust him (surprise surprise) and for all I know he will start draining bank accts and 401’s before I ever even file and then I will be S.O.L. So….. still trying to figure that one out. There is so much more to this….but I realize I have to stop at some point. One last thing – of course all our friends LOVE SA. He is such a different person when others are around. He is funny and generous and kind and a great conversationalist. He makes people feel special and is liked by many. Our break up will come as such a shock to so many of our friends. It really is so sad because we could have had such a nice little family. My son is the greatest and I was a good wife and tried for years to make this household everything I dreamed it would be – but that is impossible with an SA. It will never happen in a million years and it’s too late now anyway. P.S. My SA’s father is a retired minister, fyi, and was abusive when the 5 kids were younger. They were the family that smiled for everyone on Sunday morning and then got beatings in the garage Monday – Saturday. SA has a handicap sibling and Mom spent most of the years taking care of him and the others were left to fend for themselves. Parents did not come to sporting events, etc. The parents have since apologized to all the kids in a family meeting, long before I was in the group, and they have tried to make ammends. From what I can see, my SA is probably the worst of the group as far as PD, but others have some issues but nothing like this. His family is aware of his infidelity through the years (but don’t know about SA because I just finally figured that out recently) and they have all told me at one time or another that I should leave him. I was always hoping things would change with him and maybe they would admire me for hanging in there and loving their son/brother, but now, I really think that they just must really think that I am a total idiot. I’m not really sure and I guess it doesn’t matter. I am interested in comments, advice, and feedback from each and every one of you. I feel closer to you all then I have to anyone in a very long time. Thanks for listening……..One side note, I am an attractive woman with a great personality even tho I have lost myself along this lonely road. People Like me and I think SA married me because I would be an acceptable “piece” to his private (family) and public world, however the women he stalks are mostly large women with huge breasts. Age, weight, race, etc. Is apparently not a factor. Lovely.
Hi Silver Lining,
Thank you for sharing your story. It was hard for me to read because it sounded like my life in so many ways. I think you know what you need to do. Unless they are serious and commited to recover, nothing will change. It only gets worse and you only get older and more lonely. Im speaking from experience. Marriage should be a mutual enjoyable experience. I wish you all the best and remember to trust yourself and love yourself…..NAPI have no doubt you are indeed an attractive woman silver-lining. I think we all are! Unfortunately, like you say, I think we are chosen as the ‘acceptable person to be seen with’. For family, work colleagues etc. I think their SA means they don’t care who they stalk, as long as there is no emotional connection. A kick in the teeth for us, when we see who they are with though! Please don’t beat yourself up about your ‘record’. I know you must be kicking yourself about it, but this addiction does awful things to our heads. We lose ourselves and start doing anything to try to please them in the hope it’ll stop them acting out – even though it never does. I bet we’ve all done something that when we look back now we’re ashamed of. I can really relate to so much of what you’ve said – the SA’s public face that everyone sees, life and soul of the party etc. Mine was the same, and still is. As regards your affair – I can sympathise there too. I didn’t actually have an affair, but did let a guy kiss me once, as much as anything for revenge, but it did feel good to feel attractive when I was being ignored by him too. I bet he’ll use the affair against you when you tell him you want a divorce too. When I confronted my SA about his affair, he tried to say that ‘I did it first!’ even though he’d been an SA for years at the point of the kiss. The hardest thing to do is keep in your head at all times that they will say/do anything to keep face and blame you. They’ve spent so many years conditioning us that we question ourselves and wonder if we could have done more. Nothing we could have done would have stopped them. Only they can affect that and yours, like mine, doesn’t sound like he’s anywhere near wanting to address his problems.
Sending lots of love your way. Good luck with the divorce. We’re all here to support you any way we can.Busybee
Hi silver-lining,
Thank you for sharing your story, that’s a really important step on the road to your new life, and I am grateful to be a part of it. We do get beaten down, we do allow our own values to erode when we try to have and make a life with an active sex addict. You took responsibility for your actions, you made amends. You understand that you got to a place where you didn’t recognize yourself, and after the sex addiction came to light…..you could begin to understand how all of this happened. Hold your head up, silver-lining….you have nothing to be ashamed of. I read your story and saw a woman who’s getting herself back and knows what she wants:)
Your friend,
MarieI love that you picked a hopeful screen name. My husband too is the life of the party, is loved by everyone, and shines everywhere he goes. I too worry that everyone is going to think it has to be me, he is so lovable and funny. This seems to be a common denominator for a lot of the sisters on this site. Our husbands seek and get attraction from everyone. I really hope you can find a way to get away from him without being shamed any more. You deserve better. (the fact that you feel shame means you are a decent person who made a mistake, did you read “your sexually addicted spouse”? ~ sounds to me like you compromised your values in desperation ~because of your sa). I am discovering that so much of my life and actions were a result of his behavior and I never knew it. Hopefully he has a shred of decency and you can both move forward peacefully without any more damage. It seems to me that you have the upper hand and should have the most leverage if he wants to be ugly. If he does “tattle” and throw you under the bus – I’m guessing that may actually help you along in moving forward and keep you from 2nd guessing getting out.
~you should definitely find a good therapist. I didn’t want to go, but she is making me stronger by validating my feelings and existence – which I never knew needed validating! You will love the good boost. I found on who deals with sa, she is so much smarter than the 2 I tried to see here. I have to drive 3 hours, but it is worth it.
Hi Silver lining,
I can comprehend alot of what you speak about. Its funny how when you told someone you realized how what you were saying was just so rediculous, i feel the same way. Often even with just what I write the same thing happens, after I re-read it, and I just say to yourself, this is rediculous that I need help with this?! But anyway sometimes we still remain conflicted and so do i.I think we remain conflicted because there are some good points with the SA, and of course the bad. Then there is the guilt that we may feel for x, y, z. Even if its the guilt of how stupid could I be, for marrying even when i knew soemthing was not right. If the relationship was all bad, we would not be on this site, as we would know what to do, get the divorce and then its final. I felt like I am married, till death to us part, and for better or worse right? I thought he was the one, the good qualities are great, but the bad ones I can;t live with.
As far as the affair, your affair was because of what was lacking in the relationship. His affairs however are because he is sick, and has nothing to do with you. He was doing this before, during; and will still be after you. But some therapists, who do not know better, will say its a symptom of the relationship, run from them as fast as you can. Your husbands filandering and cheating ways are just him and his addiction or obsession. Whatever you call it, its not good. You have the choice to remove yourself, however you can never control him. Many of us choose that this is not a life for us, and do not went to live on pins and needles waiting for the axe to drop (again).
I went on anti-depressents too for a while. Little did i realize it was me trying to stuff down my emotions and thoughts; that soemthing was wrong with my marriage. It was the nagging constant thoughts that I do not want him around me or near me anymore. But yet I could not figure out what it was or why. For YEARS. This and deceptive actions of the spouse wreak havoc on our minds, health, and thoughts. I felt like to leave I had to have a reason and solve the puzzle. We look back now from a better place, and think what the ?!?!* was i thinking? But thats it… we are ordinary people dealing with extraordinary circumstances. No one tells us in school to watch out for this and what it feels like? We are stuck to figure this out on our own. And it happens ever so slowly. Deception on there part happens after we are already hooked, and have a hard time walking away. Wether it be kids, finances, households. Whatever it may be that we rely on them for, or somewhat for.
Quite frankly I did go through a period of time, where i was looking up ex BF’s, and had an opportunity presented itself at work, like yours; i can say I probably would have acted on it as well. But it never solves the problem. Sometimes many find it easier to move onto another remationship; and it helps with the pain of ending another. Then the guilt they feel for leaving, is negated by the happiness of another relationship.
I harbor alot of guilt, even for things I should not feel guilty about. If this makes sense to you; you may want to read the book toxic guilt. Toxic guilt can keep us frozen, and if the guilt we feel for leaving, staying whatever; outweighs what we feel we should do for ouselves (leave); we stay and remain frozen. But we are secretly miserable.
In my state as soon as they are served, it basically freezes the assets, debts. etc. For you if you are worried it may be best just to file, especially if you do want to get divorced. This will protect you. You can always arrange for a consult with an attorney.
You have been through an incredible amount of turmoil and pain. I hope now you can find some releif. Alot of what this addition is about is power and control. He has alot of power and control over you right now; but you are learning to break free. There will be backlash from this, and many of the SA’s have horrible anger or tempers. So that is why i say be careful, because often times when they are backed into a corner; they will continue to try and dominate and control you by anymeans necesary. And this is often common on diclosuere with confrontation. So be careful. We are here for you. Sorry for the blabbering. I always hope it may be helful or helpful to someone. Hugs to you.
silverlining who said the truth will set you free, i can feel that as i read your story. i can see your a very able woman, not crazy or lost just re read your post thank you for including all of us in your life you wrote ‘ I feel closer to you all then I have to anyone in a very long time” i to feel this all the time, i do not believe anyone who has not walked in these shoes could ever begin to understand.
Thank you ALL! I am feeling the love like I knew I would! Sigh…so much to think about, so much to do!! All the while workinG 6 days a week on my feet and exhausted by night time! Sometimes, I just want to go to bed and pull covers over my head and stay there for days!
Flora, I really resisted the antidepressants when the doc brought it up, Because I didnt want to take anything that would alter my already ‘changed’ personality And I was afraid I would just walk around in a trance. I am already so numb
in so many ways, that I didn’t want to contribute to the lack
of feeling little emotion. She said that it would just take the
edge off since things will start getting crazy once I pull the
trigger and it would help me think clearly and react better to
uncomfortable situations. So, I decided to try it. It will be two
weeks tomorrow. I don’t feel any change yet, but shit hasn’t
hit the fan either. Also, I will get the book on guilt that you
mentioned. I am as guilty as they come! I was born and
raised catholic, so guilty is my middle name! Lol…I do hope to get motivated soon and start making serious progress. This is going to be a long hard road for me and I’m not sure where to start. I have had a consultation with a good attorney, seen my family doc, looking for a SA specific therapist, and came clean with one brother for now. I guess it’s baby steps for me. I will definitely be posting alot and seeking guidance and support. I know for a fact that I am in the right place on this site and for that I am grateful, to JoAnn and to all of you. You are my lifeline! XO!
Hi Silver Lining, I think you are doing just fine and a great job at that. Glad you have found us. Glad we can help in some way. Take all the time you need, and I think you have already done alot!
Hi Silver Lining, I can so identify with how living with the SA makes us do things we would never have thought to do. I have called strange women and confronted them, I have parked my car around the corner and spied on his driveway, I have called the husband of his married woman, etc. Way more drama than I ever imagined. I am otherwise a very attractive, well-paid professional. I feel that I can’t talk to any of my friends any more about him because they have lost patience with the many second chances I’ve given him. It seems so obvious that we should just leave, but somehow I want to believe his BS and try just a little bit longer.
Shop around and get a good, aggressive divorce atty recommended by someone you know if possible. You can also look in martindale.com and look for lawyers rated “AV”
Good luck to you!
helaine21Thank you Flo and Helaine! I understand your crazy drama H! Been there, done that and have given SA like 500 second chances….. And STILL feel frozen in current status! Also, one day soon, I’m gonna start a forum about the crazy things we have done to our SA and to the women! You won’t even BELIEVE some of mine!!!!
Thank you for sharing your story. It sounds like you are clear about what you need to do. Do you have people around you aside from your wonderful son to offer support? Anticipating the really unpleasant social and practical implications of leaving probably adds to your fears on one hand, but you are also preparing yourself to navigate whatever may come your way. There will be good things too! God bless you and your journey ahead to a better place.
Hi Silver-Lining,
I’m fairly new to this site and to the acceptance of my situation, but since we all tend to be living different versions of the same story, I have been through some similar scenarios to yours.
I love my Dad, and we have great conversations, but I’ve always struggled to really connect with him emotionally. I dreaded telling him that I was considering a divorce, but when I did, his response was perfect. He didn’t pry, but said that he was there for me if I needed anything, and said that I need to protect myself if I am being abused in any way. I know you said the hearing of your arrest will break your Dad’s heart, but I’m sure if he hears it from you and the reasons behind it, he will go into protective-Dad mode, rather than disappointed-Father mode.
With regards to your husband telling everyone what you did last summer, I learnt a technique from Sam Vaknin (a somewhat aware narcissist), which might be useful: “If he threatens – threaten back and credibly try to use the same language and content. Be critical, denigrating, humiliating, go down to his level – because that is where he permanently is. Faced with his mirror image – the narcissist always recoils.” So if you don’t want him to tell anyone, threaten him, because I’m sure there’s a lot more which he has to hide.
On that note of shop-lifting, I think that many of us have done things which we are ashamed about. I’m not trying the classic SA-deflection by not taking responsibility, but I think we need to be compassionate with ourselves and accept that we will do things we ordinarily wouldn’t, when placed under such extreme stress. I joined my husband on a few of his cyber-sexcapades to try and get him back – I just felt cheap thereafter. I know there were more significant consequences to what you did, but go easy on yourself.
And lastly, I have been on antidepressants for the past 8 months. While I was still in denial about my husband’s behaviour, I was just very sad – but I wasn’t too sure why. I know that not everyone responds well to antidepressants, but I have. As Flora said, it probably does numb the emotions, but sometimes, one needs that. Right now, I feel I have to stay strong to work on the practical aspects of separation. And when I feel safe and ready to deal with my real emotions, I will stop the meds.
Stay strong,
LayaI would like to add a note on the anti depressants. After my divorce from my second husband (of 23 years) I really went through a bad time. My doctor sat me down and talked with me for over an hour trying to convince this stubborn nurse to take medication for a while.
I adamantly refused, saying i was just ‘sad’ not depressed. I also did not want to ‘bury’ my feelings, but experience them and then get over it.
In retrospect, and if I had it to do over again, I would take the antidepressants for a while. The issue being that the chemical changes in our brains during a time of temporary depression can cause permanent changes. The antidepressants don’t change our thinking, they just correct the chemical imbalance that we going through. Six months is usually enough to keep us out of trouble.
Just be aware of two things. One, it takes at least two weeks before you will start to feel the effects. And, two, you WILL feel drowsy, hazy and downright fuzzy for at least a week. This is temporary–do not stop taking the medication. Call your doctor if it seems too bad and they will usually tell you to divide the doses during the day, or work on an escalating dosage schedule.
My advice, both as a nurse and someone who has been there–try the antidepressants.
Hi All,
Before I started i was not happy, drank almost everyday, would be angry at the drop of a hat. Did not want anyone near me, to bother me, especially my husband. I do not regret taking the anti-depressents one bit. Matter of fact after I was on them for over a year, I was afraid to stop. Probably took them longer than I needed to and they helped me to get through a rough patch. I was just saying that there was a reason i was depressed which was my marriage and my husband. And it did take away the highs and lows, stress and anger quite nicely. And I would assume that many of you are depressed for the same reasons. Good luck.Hi All,
Before I started i was not happy, drank almost everyday, would be angry at the drop of a hat. Did not want anyone near me, to bother me, especially my husband. I do not regret taking the anti-depressents one bit. Matter of fact after I was on them for over a year, I was afraid to stop. Probably took them longer than I needed to and they helped me to get through a rough patch. I was just saying that there was a reason i was depressed which was my marriage and my husband. And it did take away the highs and lows, stress and anger quite nicely. And I would assume that many of you are depressed for the same reasons. I was worried that I was afflicted with SAD, but it has not struck since. Good luck.Hi Silver Lining…
I grew up in Evansville (until I was 15) and my mom is from St. Louis. I went through an online dating phase for about 18 months and what an education… I heard from zillions of married dudes… “Don’t want to change anything… but not getting needs met.” what crap!!! I never went out with any of them… oh no… I was “safely” ensconced with my own adorable predator. (don’t worry, hubby wouldn’t be interested in me. I’m a slim dancer– everywhere) 😉
I think a lot of us, myself included have suffered from depression and intense stress over our family and life situations/childhood trauma (in my case). And again… not making excuses, but the stress can make us act in ways we wouldn’t normally… I know for me, the hardest one to forgive is always myself.
Thanks for your courageous sharing!
Lexie
Thank you all for your unconditional support! I love that we have found a safe place to vent and be completely honest with each other – even if that includes breaking the law and Taking antidepressant! Wow…. Never would have predicted this 15 years ago! Yikes!
I am on week 3 now, I will give feedback later on my experience taking them, later on down the road!
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