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I’m back! and soooooooooo, exhausted……. sleep will come later! I want to share with those who weren’t there, (and of course, for all that were) some of what it all meant for me, and open up the discussion, for others who wish to put in what it meant for them.
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The retreat was A-MAZING, and I don’t think that one can fully comprehend all that it was, in a single gulp, and it will take days, if not weeks (or longer) to fully process, all that happened. Some of us, I felt, perhaps, for the first time in our lives, truly opened up in a way that we never had before; could never have before and the meaning and effects of that, I feel will be profound and lasting and for the better good of all. There was much, much sharing and growth and love and laughter and tears, but most of all–love and acceptance.
JoAnn, was with us on Friday night via Skype and our beautiful SS was with us last night! (and NO, you did not talk too much, honey! You gave US a much needed REST!!! LOL)
Many of us, including myself, spoke at length, especially, last night… We were up, verrrrrrrrrry late. I just got in and I’m zonked, but happy; I’m so glad that I went! I know that every one of us felt the same way.
I think there’s something that I fully realized last night.
I do not know whether its possible or not possible for a sex addict to EVER recover. Quite frankly, I don’t care. What I mean is… I am done with SEX ADDICTS!!! (oh, I DO hope so!) I don’t care if they recover or not. What I DO care about are the women who are decimated in the wake of the hideous evil that is this disease. (maybe that’s what it should be called? Sex Evil?) That is the only thing I have ever wanted to do here… and that was to get some greater clarity on my part in all of this and to help other women understand that they are not crazy, to blame, or any of that crapola and to gently help them comprehend that they are most likely living with a man who is very sick. (not an absolute, on any of those fronts, but in most cases). I absolutely want to support women, whether they choose to stay or go. Quite frankly, I never think its a mistake to go, but the real issue, is RECOVERY, for the partner. And I mean, recovery whether she stays or goes, because leaving does not mean that a woman WILL recover, in the truest sense of the word. Recovery, to me is what it will take for a woman to gain back her self-esteem, voice, courage, vulnerability, dignity, confidence, soul? and perhaps most difficult. her trust? For, if we stay or go, we need to be at peace and not just at peace, but better, more beautiful and wiser for the experience! But, I see so many of us, (including myself) getting stuck at “voice” and “courage” and FEAR and then, it all falls apart. We are stuck often, at having to make two choices; NEITHER of which we WANT! We don’t want to stay, but we don’t want to leave either. We want what we thought that we had, but then we realize that what we thought we had does not exist. not really.
So, whether we stay or go, life is never going to be the same.
Raffiki, in the Lion King, said it best:
“Ahhh, change— its good!”
Again, thank you so much to our wonderful, warm, generous Jeanette for opening her home to all of us and homemade banana bread and that outrageous egg thing you made this morning! Also, huge thanks to our Silver for knocking herself out…
and I mean KNOCKING herself out.
and to everyone, for pitching in and helping a sometimes spacey Laurel, find her shoes… 😉
I love you all!
I want to thank everyone who came, because without any of you, the weekend would not have been the same; every voice was vitally necessary. For those who couldn’t come for whatever reason, you WERE with us in spirit, each and every one of you!
And finally, I want to thank our dear JoAnn, who I hate, because she is the most beautiful creature–God has ever created, and without one scrap of make up! hahaha! But, no really… without YOU, none of this would be possible! Please own and honor that! Thank you, does not even come close to expressing, the gratitude in my heart, for all that you do!
Love and hugs,
Laurel
So beautifully said Lexie….god, I wish I could have been there…enjoy every second girls, Love you, Liza
Wow Lexie (Laurel,what a beautiful name),
You seemed to have summed it up very well…the common bond that we all share…and the love and caring, and protectiveness we feel for each other. I hated to miss out, but I’m looking forward to hearing more from everyone. I sense you found a place of peace amongst everyone and have come home refreshed and with an elightened perspective. God love you and all the sisters, and yes blessings on JoAnn who has reached out to us all through her own pain and heartache.
LindyLexie, it is clear from the tone of your post that this weekend was really nurturing for you and possibly relieved some stress? What a great thing for you all to have shared. So sorry we couldn’t all have been there!
hi lexie its funny on my drive home 10 hours i jeep thinking how evil the sa shit is. then i went in to my other mode, for as long as i can remember i have always tried to find the good in evil, past thoughts were my dad if it wasnt for him i wouldnt be here. my exh my kids and now my partner all my sisters. i saw and felt more love these past few days. and how i felt safe and cared for. thank you joanne for making me feel real
much love kattMy dear, dear Lexie,
You are an arrow to my heart and a light to my mind. I UNDERSTAND EXACTLY what you are saying….it is as if you are speaking with my own voice! I can hear that this retreat has given you clarity and touched you. I should have been there and I could have been there IF I had put myself first.We all have so much to learn, heal and grow from? Clearly there is strenght in numbers? God Bless you Laurel
Katt….it was NEVER you who wasn’t real dear girl. karen x
OMG!!!!!! Sisters!!!!Â
I cannot even read these posts without bawling my eyes out!! (Big baby ME!!!) I mean, my IPhone could actually be in jeopardy for water damage as I read and now type, and still continue to relish in all the thoughts, feelings, opinions, acceptance, hugs, laughs, tears, and most importantly LOVE that penetrated our hearts and souls this weekend. It was actually a spiritual experience for me and one I will long to be repeated as soon as humanly possible, with each participant as well as every other sister on this site that we hold so dear! (which is ALL of you!) When we say that you were there in spirit, we mean it! But we want flesh and blood from you, next time!! 🙂
Like Lexie, Lorraine, Laurel, whatever your name is said, Â I am completely exhausted and it will take days to be able to bring back to this site, a detailed summary of what transpired and what we gained by sharing our truths with one another. And, it was so moving and powerful and beautiful, that I DO think it is important to share with all of you because you will find joy and hope in understanding what was accomplished in just a couple of days. However, due to exhaustion and jet lag (lol! I didn’t fly but I made enough trips to the friggin airport) I want to consider my summary and take my time, with a clear mind, to properly put to words what I want you to know!Â
In the meantime:Â
Jeanette- thank you SO MUCH!! You not only opened your home- you literally let us take it over!! I know it was important for you to be heard and validated by sisters this weekend who understand exactly what you are going through and I hope you feel it was a good trade off! (destruction of your house = feeling a little peace in your heart) as you continue to move through this process and eventually reach some satisfaction and most importantly, closure!!! I’m looking forward to making plans to get together now and then when I come up to see Sam occasionally at school!! Thank you so much for your generosity!!!!!!!Â
B- Trayed!!! What a gentle, loving, soul you are! Your extra touches to make this wknd special did NOT go unnoticed! You are a beautiful, loving, God fearing, woman and I am so honored to know you and be included in your life! I want to continue to become closer because I really think God placed your among us all for a purpose. We needed your endless supply of faith this wknd when at times, we took turns feeling so sad and desperate for answers, understanding and acceptance. You didn’t fail us! I think you know how I feel about your situation but I also want you to know, that ultimately, your happiness is the most important thing and I hope that in time, no matter what decisions you finally make, they will be the right decisions for YOU! You only deserve the BEST!!!! Thank you for all that you brought to the table (literally and figuratively) this wknd!!Â
Zgirl (my BFF) – you are everything I hoped you would be and more!! Your kindness and generosity are unbelievable!! You make a pretty damn good roomie minus the snoring. LOL!Â
Thanks for keeping us on a somewhat schedule this weekend (snicker, snicker) with your bossy and get ‘er done ways!!!Â
I know it was painful to really open up and spill it – but you did it and you survived!!!!! You are an amazing girl and your SA doesn’t deserve you! (sorry, had to SLIP that in!!!)Â
It was fun to be able to share some of my hometown and history with you! That really meant alot. Thanks for always being there and you know I love you for it!!!ÂMy dearest Katt!!! Lady, I have no clue if you know how important and special you ARE, but just in case- I’m gonna tell you!!! I know how much courage it took for you to drive all the way from WV and meet us face to face!!! The retreat would have never been the same without you!!!! Always ready to pitch in and lend a hand and I really admire all your mechanical skills!! I had fun laughing at the differences between you and I, and realizing I love you all the more for it!! I will get you in a dress one of these days!!! (with matching earrings!!!) Â Lol!!
You are one of the strongest people I have met, and knowing your full story, I am amazed at how you are able to overcome your past hurts and pave the way for a better future!! It is so evident what a loving and caring wife, mother and daughter you are and your family is lucky to have you! I really hope that someday soon, “W” will figure out exactly how miserable his life would be without you and do the necessary steps to win you back and clean up his act (if that’s what you desire). You deserve all the good things life has to offer!! Keep your chin up Katt!! I love you!!!! (We ALL do!!!!!)ÂDeb!!! What a NICE surprise!! I am so glad you had the courage to make the trip!! I’m so excited about our new friendship and looking forward to hopefully helping you sort some things out!! I AM the expert, you know!! I’m grateful you were able to dig down deep and get some things off your chest, despite your pain! (although, it broke my heart to see you so sad!) You are soooooooo beautiful and kind and I have a feeling you are gonna be just fine!!! (and YES, I think you will still have sex when you are in your 80’s! LOL!!) And, it won’t be with SA either!!!! Let’s chat soon!!!
Lex – OMG!!! I just KNEW you wouldn’t disappoint!!! Ha!! You ARE awesome, just like I knew you’d be!!! Such a pretty girl with so much class!!! You are right, Laurel!! You DO look like a million bucks!!!! 🙂
I think you may have been the most anticipated person to get there!!! “who IS this wild woman and what is she like???”. Well, peeps, let me tell you- she is kind, sweet, soft spoken and compassionate! If she sensed someone was hurting, she was on the spot, offering support, validation, and mostly, love! You have beautiful eyes that speak it all!! Our bad ass Lexie is really a beautiful, compassionate, intelligent human being who only wants to be loved and cherished, as she SHOULD be!!!Â
(PS- if you, Flora, and Zgirl get together over there on the EAST side, I’m crashing that bitch!! 🙂Heidi!!!!Â
The only familiar face in the crowd!! So glad you took time out during grand baby season, lol, to drive down (all the way from Minneapolis)! That’s commitment!! Are you Grandma or GlaM-ma?? I’m guessing the latter since some of us spent half the weekend talking about how gorgeous you are!! 🙂 So glad to see you!!!Â
PS- I inherited the neatest Green Bay Packer blanket!!! 🙂We can’t forget our very own Flora!! Last but never least!! I was so happy to FINALLY meet you!! Sweet and soft spoken and full of wisdom but can slam an Irish car bomb with the best of them!!!!Â
And also, it was so wonderful to skype our ladies! I can’t wait to get set up for that when I move!!Â
Lots of love to all!! Let’s plan the next trip!!! 🙂
Wow, I loved reading your posts ladies! I agree; the weekend was wonderful!!!! I too was totally spent…could not even stay awake while driving so I had to pull over!!!
I, like SL, have much to share, but need the time to articulate my thoughts. So I will be posting much in the very near future. Anyway, here are a few quick thoughts…
How often do we know people so deeply, on the INSIDE…their dreams, their greatest sorrows, their sexual lives, their rejections, their passions, before ever meeting them in person? How often do we cry sincerely with and for people prior to ever knowing their height or hair style? How often do you deeply love someone, before ever sharing a meal together. Almost never, but that is what we experienced. It was amazing!
I enjoyed these ladies so much! My heart is bursting to share thoughts of each, like SL, but I cannot at this time. (My students are here!)
I really love you sisters! B. Trayed
Hearing all your stories, thus far, is so heartwarming. Please tell me that someone took some pictures. Would you consider sharing them? I for one would love to see them.
Love you all, Claire
Hi everyone! I took some pictures, but I will have to contact JoAnn on how to load them on here. Also, I want to clear the sharing with the other sisters. I also took some video clips! I will see what I can do!!!
i too will share thoughts later w more rest. I did make it home at about 1:30 a.m. Next time i hope to make it for a longer time period to make it to the wee hour sessions. There is strength in numbers, and truely a session with a group of us was equal to about a full year of therapy. I can’t wait until next time, and wished i could have stayed up until 4 a.m.- no this is no lie or exxageration. Love ya all!
One night we all sat in a circle in Jeannette’s front room. Jeannette on the loveseat, B. (me) on the chair next to her, then Deb on the floor, Heidi on a chair – later to be sleeping on the floor, Patty and Lex on the matching, soft chairs, then Katt, Zumba and Flora(soon to be Sleeping Beauty).
We dimmed the lights and had one candle lit. I played a song my daughter wrote (and played the piano to) just to set a gentle mood…happened to have it in the car…then sharing started. Patty encouraged people to ask questions if they did not know about different people’s situation. She is so inviting and such a team player!!! She is great!!!Deb started sharing first. (I slipped the candle in front of her as she spoke.) She opened the door of her life and heart to us. I was so saddened to hear her struggles, and thank her for trusting us enough to open up. We all interjected here and there. Lexie shared her story also…then Zumba…we kept interjecting, cried for each other, and Deb, Flora, and Heidi were snoozing on the floor eventually. Deb was wrapped in her huge blanket – two pillows surrounded her. I too, was able to share and the support I felt was indescribable!!! Thank you so much sisters!!! Sorry if I was too long-winded!!! (Sorry Katt, Jeannette and Patty, for not getting more indepth with your stories!) Our rage for what our sisters went through, or our crying over the pain, did not even wake these three cuties on the floor!!! or at least they did not get up from the floor that cradled them.
Anyway, I wanted to give you a picture of one of you special times together. Much love, B. Trayed
sorry if I did not include something…or you sat in a different order!!! please add to or edit anything, retreat sisters!!!
By the way, skyping with JoAnn was so wonderful! She is such an amazing, classy, beautiful, wise! I love her to death! The conversation was so deep and real and funny. We huddled around the computer as she spoke.
The next day we enjoyed a conversation with Stillstanding. We got smarter and Jeannette had us turn the large monitor around. Several of us sat in the family room with chairs facing her. (Jeannette and I sat behind at the computer desk.) SS sat with her laptop in her daughter’s room. She was alone, of course, when she shared the details of navigating through the valley of death. I was so broken for her, as I am sure many others were. She was so calm/strong. We all cheered for her once or twice over something awesome she had done (we did the same for JoAnn too-“LET’S GIVE HER A HAND EVERYONE!!! clap, clap, clap!!!!!!!!) Mostly though, it was just the details of her story…her nightmare. I get tears in my eyes now thinking about it. Then her daughter was on the screen in the background. She arrived home or came out of the soundproof room SS must have had her locked in. We all said “Hi” to daughter, cute as a button…dumb expression-are buttons cute??? Anyway, SS held the laptop and she searched for a place to hide and talk with us. She carried us down the hall with her. (It reminded me of a crime chase scene…searching…seeking as the filmed rolled…we swayed though the air…finally, she surrended.
She could not find a place to talk anymore…the details our husband’s have giving us to live with, are so devastating that we can’t even speak of them in the company of most people.
We said our goodbyes. I, and the other sisters, I am sure, were honored to talk with both JoAnn and Stillstanding.
(Just a note, in the fireplace – in the family room, lower level of the house- there were always logs a-burning in Jeannette’s fireplace…it was sweet…(the laundry room and bathroom were on that level also. The garage is directly off of the family room. The smoking area…three lawn chairs placed at the edge of or outside of the garage…was used periodically. xoxo
Who let one by the computer the other night? It nearly killed me! I spelled out S.O.S. from the fog it left!!! Fortunately, I survived!!!
I want to give my own little take on the weekend, but I need to think about it. What you all said was so wonderful. SL, fortunately, I was able to back away from this keyboard while the tears were pooling up. Lexi, I LOVE what you said about recovery for us, and how that’s the priority whether leaving or staying. It puts things into perspective. There’s no magic pill–whether it’s staying or leaving. I have to back and read and re-read what you said because it made so much sense and helped me understand where I am.
Oh well, off to take the daughter to dance class and go grocery shopping (in other words, back to REALITY). More later! 🙂
Love, JulieLex…I wrote down some things you articulated in your post…for more reflection…so true and profound.
Love ya, B. TrayedI wish that I had had more time with all of you! I had so much more to say – big surprise there, huh? You guys think I ramble when I type, try putting me on Skype 😉
What I really wanted to get to in my story was how far I, as a person, have come since DDay Hell Week. Oh well, another time, or another post.
You were all so very supportive! I could see your faces as I told my tale with my nasal tone and saw the understanding. I knew that even though I have chosen to stay with D – I was still being supported and knew that if there came a time when I decided to leave, you’d be there to pick up the pieces, just as I know any of the other Sisters would do. It was a fulfilling experience despite how short it was. Okay, an hour isn’t short, but, whatever.
LOL – yeah, sorry about the talespin ride while I searched for privacy. It occurred to me after we disconnected, I could have gone into my son’s room on the other side of the house – duh.
East coast next time, right?
Love,
SSEast coast! Bring it on! Maybe by the ocean, while we’re at it…ahhh…I was trying to think how I could add my “take” to the debriefing, and I thought I’d just add a few words descriptive words about each sister that was there, to help bring them to life:
SL: Well, I talk to her on the phone all the time, so I didn’t have many surprises here, lol. She is a mover, planner and shaker, shopping at nine different stores to make it as fun and comfortable for everyone coming. She’s a girly-girl from head to toe, and has a cute Indiana accent that we teased her about mercilessly!
B-trayed: So warm and considerate, and funny to boot. She’s the type of person you feel like you’ve known forever. She has great faith, and yet not one judgmental bone in her body. When she wasn’t moving chairs around, organizing, etc, she could be seen walking around with her video camera, documenting our weekend.
Katt: Smart and intuitive beyond her years. She also has a great, dry sense of humor. I loved hearing about her life in West Virginia, as well as her growing up years on the shore. She has been through more than anyone I can imagine, and is one of the most loyal and courageous people I’ve ever met. And she brought bedding with her!! 🙂
Jeannette: The first thing I noticed about Jeannette was her warm smile and welcoming eyes. I was nervous about staying at the home of someone I’ve never met, but that feeling didn’t last long. Jeannette is another true survivor. She’s been to hell and back, and she’s recreating her life at a time when she should be enjoying the fruits of her retirement.
Lexie (Laurel): Laurel greeted me with the hugest, warmest smile. She is a petite ballerina waif with the skin of a twenty year old (jealous, lol!). She is just as wry and funny in person as she comes across in her writing.
Hadj (Heidi): She’s the gorgeous-girl-next-door “with legs up to here!” Just so warm and funny. There’s no way she could be a grandma (cuz she looks like she’s 35) but she is! There’s no doubt in my mind, given the beautiful family she’s raised, that she will be an amazing grandmother.
Deborah: Wow, Deb is sooo sweet and warm–like a mom–although a young mom for me. She is so nurturing and loving. You just want to hug her whenever you see her.
Flora: Flora was much younger than I expected, given the wisdom I’ve always taken from her posts. She was funny and easy from the moment we picked her up at the airport. I could picture her living in my neighborhood and our kids being friends.
Ok, so I just wrote the above and I’m feeling frustrated because I don’t feel I conveyed much at all. I tend to be shy at first when meeting new people, and I can’t believe how easy and comfortable it was. I feel even more blessed now to know those of you that WEREN’T there because there’s no doubt in my mind that you are ALL amazing. The get-together reassured me that, without a doubt, I DO feel safe here. And just to add, it really WAS as spiritual and enriching as we mentioned before, and we truly felt ALL of you there, referred to you often, and held you with us in our hearts. It was not a place for gossip by any stretch of the imagination, and I was blessed to be there. When we have one again, if there’s any way you all can come, just do it! I was so hesitant to take the plunge, and yet I felt like I had to. I even came home to find that my house was still here, and everyone managed just fine with out me. (OK, the kitchen was a bit of a mess, and lets not even talk about my two teenagers’ rooms, lol!)
So thank you again, sisters. And for all of my other sisters, I am bound and determined to meet you in person one day. I love you all so much.
xoxo ZG/Julie
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