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I’m wondering if anyone else has this problem. I married 25 years ago and found out when I was 3 months pregnant that he wore and stole womens panties and anything sexy he could get his hands on. I woke up on night to find him downstairs fully clothed in teddy and hose in front of a mirror, masturbating. 25 yrs ago this was unheard of. I panicked and being pregnant, I left. He swore it was a one time thing and that he just didn’t want to disturb my sleep by asking for sex. He promised it would never happen again. It has and it has become so much worse. I have left and come back too many times to count bc he’s so convincing of his “I promises.” I’ll get help he says. Never does. This has caused my children to dislike me when I would leave him bc they thought it was something I had to be doing to him. How could I possibly tell them about their Dad and what he does. It would go something like this-Well, you see boys, ages now 20 and 23, your Dad steals other ladies panties and lingerie and then puts them on bc he likes to look sexy I guess and then masturbates in front of mirrors UGH They would be devastated like I was and still am. The strange thing is I left him 2 years ago when the last one graduated. My husband was traveling for work and always on the road and I felt it was a good time to do it. My youngest son blew up at me and said one day “You pushed Dad away and now do you want to push me away too.” Well, I had enough of taking the blame so all I said was “Your Dad has done things to me for years, lying and deceiving me, I have reason for what I am doing with your Dad.” My son never questioned me again. This was all during extreme sobbing bc it had just pushed me over the edge. Sometimes I would think I was crazy when I couldn’t find something of mine like a slip that I knew was in my drawer. I would tell my husband that I couldn’t find it and he never would say a word. Magically, the next day it would reappear. I decided to start placing my things a certain way. I started to notice my panties looked like they were wearing out in the back and couldn’t understand why. I know I’m jumping all over the place here but I’ve never talked to anyone about this for fear of him committing suicide which he has threatened for 25 years too. Now that he’s 48 years old, i dont think he cares if I leave. I guess I’ve lost some of my looks or something bc he finally crossed a line that was clearly defined to him. Our grown daughter came for a visit with the granchildren and when she left, he suddenly started to fall asleep on the couch alot. I didn’t know why or maybe I did and just ignored it or something. My daughter left some clothes here for her and the girls. He was triffling through their underwear to find my daughters sexy ones to wear. I’m sick. I have accepted this now and 6 months ago we made a fresh start, again and I told him he could buy what he wanted and could wear my things and we could do this together, reluctantly. I told him if this was going to work we needed to be open and honest about it and the one thing he could never do was to touch anything of the girls. He said he would never even think of doing something like that. He lied. My daughter had a pair come up missing and I knew right away. The funny thing is we had made a trip to her house to help work on a project for her and she had a nighty hanging in the bathroom. My husband went in to take a shower and I saw the nighty and thought, should I take it out? No, he wouldn’t touch it. I went back in after he was done and yes, he had touched it. I’ve learned to remember how things are placed. I confronted him and he admitted it to both accounts. Yes, he takes our daughters panties and yes he had touched her nightie! This just happened 3 days ago and I haven’t been to work, I”m sick in my stomach and to be honest, cant get off the toilet long enough to go anywhere. Why couldnt he just go to walmart or something and buy something new for himself? Why did he have to cross the line knowing it would ruin us? I feel old, ugly, like I didn’t give him enough sex. I have no self esteem left and to top it all off we moved to Texas 6 months ago for the “fresh start” and I have no one to talk to, no friends that I’m close to yet and I’m scared to get close to them bc of this. If we ever went to their house he’d be going through the hamper in their bathrooms first chance he could get. I guess thats it in a nutshell. 25 years of lies and deceiving. Our children think he’s perfect. Not loving to our boys at all. I have to beg him to give them a hug. He will be loving to my daughter from a previous marriage though. They are very close and really he’s all the Dad she’s ever known since she was 3. I’m so confused. Can anyone shed any light? Thank you
Wow.
That stinks.
Let’s review.
He lies repeatedly about what he’s doing and not doing.
Your children have blamed you in the past for the problems in your marriage.
His behaviours have you wondering if you are crazy.
You offered to participate with him and make room in your sex life for his interest in women’s stuff (with some boundaries on whose stuff he wears)
Your offer did nothing to stop his secret acting out.
You feel like crap, self esteem in the toilet etc (along with your lunch it seems)
He is not loving to your sons (no hugs)
He is being physically affectionate with your daughter. Is this the daughter whose nighties etc. he uses?
He will go through other people’s hampers to find a “turn on” item.Jan. you said it best. 25 years of lies and deceiving. It doesn’t matter what your children think right now. They don’t know the facts of the situation AT ALL.
What do you want for your future? Is what you want depending on him? If so, please understand that your husband sounds like he is addicted to this particular kind of acting out. As with all SA’s the behaviour does escalate—from your things, to the daughters, to the friend’s hampers etc. At age 48 he has a lot of years ahead to escalate this.
Here’s some basics:
GEt yourself a therapist/counsellor. You need to bring this to the surface of your life in a real way, but a safe way. With a professional therapist/counsellor you get a confidential setting to disclose what’s been going on in your marriage, how it affects you, what your worst fears are (and I’m pretty sure you have some you haven’t written here—we all do), and what your real options are.Some of those real options may include urging him to connect with a therapist/counsellor, so that you can both understand what’s going on here, and the impact it is having on you.
My inclination is always to ensure your safety and well-being. If he makes you feel crazy, or like something’s going to happen that’s bad, you need him to move out. Can you make it financially? You need to know your options here. See a lawyer and find out. Information and knowledge, support and encouragement, are what you will need to make good decisions for yourself.
Take the first step. Make the call. Take your own life seriously. The rest will come.
love you, and thank you for a brave post,
Diane.Jan,
My heart breaks for you…wow, you have been through soooo much. I can relate in some small way, about the devastation of your children NOT supporting you. Incredibly brutal after years of motherly care??? Such injustice!!!
Don’t even try to blame your lack of sexual interest for his unhealthy dress-up game. Yes, we need to be there for each other sexually in healthy ways, but that doesn’t make someone dress-up, lie, and deceive.
Oh, your situation is so sad, but you need to focus on you. What are your needs, desires, values. I am so sorry for your sadness, confusion, and pain. Keep posting! We love you! B. Trayed
Thanks Diane for responding. Yes, it is the daughters things he took that he is very close to. She’s now 29 years old and no man in her life. I think I might be really stupid. She despises her biological father bc he tells her like it is and always would try to discipline her.
I dont think I can go to a counselor but I can call the church and see if one of the samaritian counselors could talk to me. I think I’ve always stayed for the kids and now its the grandkids. I want to leave but I dont have the means to support myself enough. Thank you so much for reading and posting. I’m still trying to figure this website out. I will take your advice and call.That first step, Jan. It’s the one.
That first conversation where you tell the truth of what your life has been like.
It is the most empowering thing you can do. After that, every time you are ready to take a step, there will be somebody there to take your hand.
You go girl.
Dxo.Hi Jan,
I’m so sorry you share the need to be here, but I am so glad you found us!! I agree with what Diane said – and I’m glad to see you did too.
Please let us know how it goes.
Many hugs,
SS
Jan yes– Diane had great advice. If there’s no qualified counselor, there are online counselors available. Please check out– http://online.supportgroups.com/
There is a link to it on the home page, I believe, as well.Threatening suicide is very real, very serious problem. But it is NOT your problem. It is also a form of psychological abuse. I would tell him, that if ever does that again, that you will call 911 and then the police will take him away for an evaluation, in a psych ward which could be for a few days.
There is also no shame in coming out and telling your children about your husband’s sexual issues. However, they should have someone to be able to talk to, to process this information. My children, 16 and 21 have been enormously supportive and yes, I am lucky in that regard.
All my best,
Lexie
Thank you all so much for being supportive. I’ve never experienced this support, wisdom and knowledge before from anyone. One day at a time for me. getting the online counseling or going to our church and planning the way to leave and make it on my own. Gods Blessings to all of you!
jan im sorry for all you have been through. i to know the devastation of them acting out with a daughter. last july i found pictures of my daughter in my partners lunch box. its like a death to me he not only used strangers but my baby. she has no idea of this because he is a father figure too.
i also have no idea how to process this. please keep posting here the other sisters are wonderful.
much love kattDear Jan,
I am SO SORRY for your pain. Diane’s advice is excellent…especially where she advises you to just take the first step? You do NOT need to jump ahead to leaving your husband right now Jan. There will be plenty of time to worry about that later…if you choose? For now, seek someone to talk to for YOURSELF. You have lived with this anguish a very long time and you need help just for you. I promise you, you are not alone and you are not the only woman who has a husband who acts out sexually in ways that you cannot understand. You are also not to blame and you can do nothing to control his behavior either. If you love him that is alright too. I will only caution you that this type of thing takes a very big toll on your health, both mental and physical. Please take care of yourself and stay with us. We understand and we will do all we can to help. Karen xx
Jan,
You’ve come to the right place. So much experience, knowledge, and support lives here at this address.
We know how you feel, we know your pain, and we know we can’t fix it but we can help you make your life better.
As Karen and others stated, your health and welfare are more important than anything else right now. Once you take care of you and become more stable, you will be better able to handle the rest of the situation.
My love and support goes out to you and I look forward to hearing from you often.
Claire
Hi Jan,
Softly, slowly, steadily. Just keep breathing. As all of the ladies have said. Focus on you, your future, your sanity.If you stay because of your children, your children are now big enough to fend for themselves. How much you choose to tell is up to you. They may experience anger, hurt and frustration but they will get over it. Whether they think they do or not, they need to see their mum get the best out of life. And by the sound of it – you are still very young. Can you live with this for another 25 years? What further regrets will you have then? Your daughter’s stuff is way over the line, but when its your granddaughters stuff? What then?
Take some time and take stock. Where do you stand emotionally? Get some support. Where do you stand financially? Get some advice.
What do you need to do to feel better? Make a plan. You have time. If you are not in physical danger. You have time. Plan wisely, move slowly but surely to the light.
God bless you and keep you right now – if our God is for us… who can stand against?Dear Jan,
Thank you for sharing your painful story. I remember when I first came on this site 6 months ago, I was so distraught. What helped me get through was literally trying to focus on myself first, thanks to the advice of these wise ladies. I was so overwhelmed with my d-day, and thoughts of what my future was going to hold. Posting here made me feel so real and validated. The next step after that was getting the courage to call a therapist. Diane is so right; that first call is the big step. I love what she said about bringing it to the surface in a safe way. I feel so much more empowered now, and I know that’s a big step when it comes out to figuring out the rest of my life. And I know I don’t have to do it all today.
Keep posting, asking, reading…that’s what we’re here for!!
With much love,
JulieOkay, Jan,
that’s a pretty good first taste of experience and companionship on this journey. I want to echo what ZG (julie) said. You don’t have to do everything all at once. That’s how we get overwhelmed and feel like things get out of control again, and that’s already how it feels living with an SA. So one thing at a time. Make one appt to talk to one person. Tell your story as best you can. don’t try to tell it all. Just what seems to be on the surface of it that day. Then tell us how it went, even if you didn’t like it. Some of us have had to shop around for a while to find the right person to help us. So its about just getting started with the first step. We can walk with you after that.
love,
D.Welcome Jan, you came to the right place! There is so much good advice here. We are all in the middle of crazy, and it is stuff you cant tell the people you love, because it is all so unbelievable. When I first came on here I froze when I tried to type my story, it took a few weeks to “write outloud” the scary stuff that is happening to me. After 28 years, caught my h having an affair, went to counseling and found out it has been going on our entire marriage – first affair 3 weeks after the wedding. So many of us have been married a long time too. double ouch.
Diane is right ~ find some one to talk too. you will feel lighter when you do. it helps you understand that you are not going crazy – just living with it. It also helps you see a sane perspective. in the beginning I was sucked into his justifications, the women here and my the therapist called me out on it every time. Keep talking here, you are safe. All our stories are under the stories group. grab a box of tissues and plan to stay up all night, we all ramble!
peace
HeidiThank you. I was wondering where everyone’s stories were. I need to find that because it helps to hear others that are going through the same thing. Groups and stories, I’m off to look for that!
And Jan, don’t hesitate to ask any questions about the stories. I know I was in emotional la-la land when I wrote mine, so I don’t mind answering any questions, or sharing my journey thus far.
Love, Zumbagirl (Julie)
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