Should you tell people about your spouses sex addiction?

My kids know we are separated (obviously). They know about what they believe was his first affair (actually his second) because my son apparently overheard us talking about it on that DDay and told his sister. They never said a word to me until just recently when my daughter asked me flat out if we are seperated because Daddy had another affair. I said yes. I will not tell them about the SA unless I feel it is necessary for their growth or healing. It is clear to me (and to my H) that he has lost their respect and admiration. To me that is the worst price he could pay for his crimes against his family. Nothing I could do will ever punish him as much as that fact.

I’ve mentioned in other posts, I have told no one. If I tell my mother she will tell my brother and he will tell EVERYONE. He has absolutely no filter or common sense. I’ve only told one friend that we are seperated and while she was sympathetic, she hasn’t reached out much since so I’ve just let it go at that. I can relate so much to Trish’s cautionary tale of how not telling isolated her but the truth is, I don’t have a support network out there so I’m not sure who I would tell anyway.

Yes, I do Catherine and I thank God every day for all of you and for my therapist. Yes, I have isolated myself but it wasn’t a huge stretch for me, I’m kind of a loner by nature. I’m at my happiest when I have my nose in a book.

She is doing pretty well Catherine. I know she is angry and disappointed with her Dad and with me, she swings between being mad that I can’t magically fix everything and make it the way it used to be and being mad that I have stayed with him. I told her she has a right to be angry with both of us and it didn’t matter a bit if her anger with me is irrational in that I can’t do both. 🙂 I told her that she could tell any of her friends about it if she wants. I wanted her to feel open to talking about it if that is what she needs. She had a long phone conversation with her Dad after she spoke to me but I don’t know what was said. I’m guessing she didn’t express as much of her anger at him when she was talking to him but enough got through that that call warrented two sessions with his therapist. She told both of us that Dad has to be the one to discuss this with my son. I have tried to talk to him (my son) but he absolutely won’t hear it from me. However, he has been very kind to me in his 20 year old boy/man way and is taking care of his Mom in his own way which I deeply appreciate. I know there is resentment and anger under his surface as well but he keeps his feelings buried very deeply. Only his Mama knows what a sensitive heart is hidden under all his bravado.

Trish, thanks for answering. I was trying to see if you had it to do over would you have told them the first time. I am trying to gain insight to my situation by using yours.

I would absolutely tell my kids if they were older now. I know it is devastating no matter the age but 13 and 15 are notoriously bad “sex” ages and identity ages….

I am trying to watch very closely. My son has done a 180 turn around since dipshit ( aka his father) has put in the work with him.

It is all just too hard and all I can think to do is minimize the fallout. They go to a small sheltered private school and all teachers are on every tiny thing. Both kids have been there since pre K. I feel good about being notified of any changes or problems that I miss.

I hate these fuckers.

I suppose I can be grateful for one thing and that is that my children were much older when my life unravelled. My children have really never given me any trouble. I have been so blessed . Maybe you just can’t have it all. I might have posted this before but when I found out my marriage was a fraud my daughter was at the end of the third year of her Dentistry degree. My son wasn’t living at home. There was no way I was going to tell them if I could help it. My son knows now. Daisy you didn’t have much choice with your son finding about by default and then telling your daughter. You will manage it I’m sure. Bev my husband’s therapist said there was no value in telling our children especially as we are working on repairing the damage. Your own therapist advises you not to tell your children. Maybe someday there will come a time when you will need to but not right now when you are still trying to negotiate all this yourself. I don’t think it is dishonest not telling them. There are plenty of things we don’t tell our children because we want to protect them or we know they will not understand what is an adult concept. They don’t need to know everything.

Daisy we must have been posting at the same time. I have no doubt your children know you do your best and I’m sure you are a great Mum.
Daisy I know that we both lack confidence. One of my husband’s greatest shames is that he further hurt me when I am already damaged. Does your husband feel the same?
I want a nice nursing home and I have told my daughter that under no circumstances is she to leave my upper lip unwaxed.

Yes, I think so, although until recently I’m not entirely sure he viewed me as a person who lacks confidence. Probably because he failed to listen as closely as he should have all these many years we’ve been together (30) or perhaps he didn’t want to know how badly he could damage me.

Your comment about your upper lip made me LOL. We have a running joke in our family about bad nursing homes. At least I hope it’s a joke. My daughter has always said we can live with her until we need diapers but then we’ve got to go. Literally and figuratively.

I think in telling the rule of thumb is do what you need for your support, but don’t tell if you just want sympathy. In most cases with the latter you will be disappointed. The majority of the world doesn’t want to have to address this issue in their lives so they will ignore it, they will pass it off as not so serious, couples strife,etc. and if your SA is outwardly nice, they will have a hard time reconciling it. I would love to tell SAs family because I know he’s spinning a lie about me to them, but I see nothing good will come of it. If anything I like that that don’t know because what I think he imagines their reaction will be is probably much worse than what it really will be when they find out. And that goes for our side too… Catherine, your shame, for example… You are imagining it much worse than it will be. If anyone somehow implies that something you did or didn’t do caused this then it will make it clear to know your friends. I told my mom and she has been incredible. In fact I told my friend because I felt like I was starting to tell too much to my mom… If I hadn’t had someone to confide in I would be in a really bad place right now. Sometimes that person is a therapist, but usually we need someone we can talk to anytime, for any length, without charging by the hour.

Eliza’s quote: “but usually we need someone we can talk to anytime, for any length, without charging by the hour.” + Catherine’s quote: “Really the best confidant is someone who has walked in your shoes.” = Why I love the ‘hood.

To me, the one of the best things about this wonderful place is that I can tell you every sordid detail about my H and you will hate, loath and despise him with all your might and yet there is no fallout in my “real” life as there would be if I told my family or our friends. If I told them and we reconstruct our marriage, we would be left with that same loathing forever and I wouldn’t want that.

My son’s anger at me is based on my philosophy that it is not who you love but ho you love that is important – I have never stopped believing that – I have stood for equality my entire life whether racial, socioeconomic, educational, sex or gender based, or because of disability – this is me. He thinks that because I knew H was bi and didn’t share it that everything I stand for is a lie and I don’t have a right to support light issues because I have not outed H. SA or not I don’t believe in outing other people’s sexuality however what has happened is that everything I STILL believe in has left me in no-man’s land. The lies and deception H has lived my son has attached to me – it is not that he isn’t angry with his father – he is more disinterested and barely speaks to him – he talks to me a lot but doesn’t want me to have a voice because he believes what happened in our marriage silenced his as an out gay man who had the courage to live the truth. I don’t disagree with that but I also have to preserve my own reality and respect the wishes of my older son…it has been a terrible journey and there are many days I want to tell it all and le the cards fall where they may and then I remember – only part of this is my story – I hope one day my son gets to respect that. It is my mission to live the rest of my life in my own truth and I will not carry the burden of other people’s secrets if they can hurt me. If they cannot hurt me they are not secrets but shared intimacies held only as loving keepsakes – thanks for asking Cat xo – Meg

I’ve told a few friends and my family knows. But I don’t usually talk much about it anymore. Mainly because it would end up being way too long-winded and complicated, as opposed to if he went back to drinking. The personality disorder that was revealed, the years that I was feeling like I was evaporating but having no clue why, the fact that my family and friends like him.. It all just feels too exhausting to explain. And I think the older I get, the more I realize that are so many horror stories out there that I don’t really want to dwell on this SA stuff all that much with people who can’t really be expected to understand how complicated and murky it is anyway, unless they’ve experienced it. xoxo