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I said a few days ago that I intended to quit SOS. And I meant it. Over the last few days I have conversed with a few of you privately and have questioned what I really want to do. I first want to explain something. A couple days before I stated I was leaving SOS, someone from this site attempted to post a very hurtful post to my husband and me, on my personal blog. As I think back, this affected my decision to leave SOS more than I realized. It affected how I reacted to some things that were said to me in a post on here and it has affected me in many ways over the last few days. I think it hurt so badly because of how much I care about this issue and how much I give of myself. One thing I was accused of in the blog post, which I will share here so that you all can get the full effect of it, was trying to capitalize on my husband’s addiction. While being a therapist is my career, and I was a therapist before I knew of my husband’s sex addiction, I give so much of myself away for free, trying to help others going through this. I constantly have to remind myself of my need for boundaries and that this is indeed a career, so I should charge for my services. Still, to me, it is also part ministry so I don’t mind that I don’t charge everyone and that I will help anyone who asks, regardless of their ability to pay.
Here is the post. If you would like to read the post it was in response to, click here before reading on. (link removed) That will help you understand some of the comments made here. (It is Jeff’s reply to Jamie):
“What a condescending little tool you are, Jeff, not to mention, downright scary. Who gave you the license to muck with people’s heads? Just because you’re a sex addict, does not qualify you to do any kind of insights (give me a break) speculation, counseling, or therapy. And yet, you and your cute-little-always-right-wife, are conning desperately hopeful people out of $3,400 dollars of their hard earned money, and for what?
You have got to be kidding me.
How dare you?! And how dare you equate the feminine brain to a plate of spaghetti! Women can and DO compartmentalize too! AND, also remember something from 20 years ago, date, time, and what was worn. Its called ASSOCIATION. Basic psych 101.
you are dangerous.
When you took your vows with your wife, did the minister have one set for YOUR (waffle brain) and another set for HER (spaghetti brain)? No, there was ONE set of vows, before ONE GOD, and undoubtedly a whole host of other witnesses, including your sister-in-law. Which part of forsaking all others, and promising to love and cherish did your compartmentalized waffle brain, not comprehend?
And you have the BALLS to call yourself a righteous Christian?
NOW, that you got caught, you are ALL recovered, thanks to the love of Jesus. What happens when you wake up one day as this married-for-25-yrs-SA with a now (thank God, defunct) blog, did one day, after SIX years of sobriety (except for the icky blog):
“Oh fuck God… (he loves me no matter what crazy-assed thing I do anyway!) I’m gonna go out and buy a fleshette (yes, he’s Catholic) and beat the living crap out of MYSELF (indeed) and then, I’m gonna contact every delectable paramour I’ve ever been with and promise each and every one of them, that IF they will have me back, I will never EVER leave them… and then, I’m gonna say a couple of Hail Marys and knock back a bit of the holy Eucharist, and all will be just peachy.”
Oh, I know, you are all recovered now and a devout Christian-man of God and you would never do that. You have it all figured out, don’t you?
THERE IS NO CURE FOR SEX ADDICTION, JEFF; there is only denial. Yes, that’s right. denial. We’ve all been there, and it takes some of us longer than others and some of us never get there, but for everyone, the answer is
DENIAL.
And the problem is not, that you would never have CHOSEN to be one, the problem is that you DID choose to get married and THEN, to fuck over your lovely unsuspecting wife and NOW, thanks to the love of Jesus and (some cold hard cash in hand) have figured out a way to capitalize on your habit.
Please, do the world and yourselves a favor, before the two of you get your asses sued from here to kingdom come. STOP PRETENDING TO BE HELPING PEOPLE, WHEN OBVIOUSLY ALL YOU ARE DOING IS TRYING TO HELP YOURSELVES!
The LAST person I would ever contact for sex addiction help, is a SEX ADDICT! Lots and lots of “recovered” sex addicts are now sponsors and “addiction coaches.” I know of another one, who’s also a drug addict and is now sitting in prison after an armed bank hold up. And that idiot has a bonafide MASTER’S DEGREE!
For the love of God… just stop it!
And also, PLEASE, ZIP UP YOUR FLY DUDE!”I have attempted to directly resolve this with the sister who sent it, but she was not responsive. Here is what I said in the email I sent to her:
“I can respect a difference of opinion done respectfully and I would like a chance to talk to you in person about your views so that I can understand them better. My number is (number removed) I will wait to hear from you personally to resolve this. If I don’t hear from you, I will need to resolve and process this some other way, and that would involve an honest conversation on a post on the SOS site, considering I have realized this is the main reason I want to leave. I would also like an apology to me, and my husband, in person. Or, if you think your views are valid, you should own them and repeat them to my husband and me in person by phone in an honest, direct and respectful way.”
I am left still feeling a lot of pain and that this issue is unresolved. A big part of me really wants to be a part of SOS. After all, I am married to a sex addict and I enjoy the discussions here and being able to give and receive support. I also think I bring a unique perspective, being one of the few who is so far down the road, still married to my SA husband, who is in recovery. BUT, I don’t know how to do that without resolving the issue with the woman involved. I am uncomfortable with the hostility and rage expressed in that post. I don’t understand where it is coming from and the woman involved has not been responsive. I would like to ask for advice from you all on how to resolve this issue and what you think.
Hi Ella,
I hope there is a resolution of peace, respect, understanding, and forgiveness. We each make this site what it is and we don’t want to be hurtful in the process. I personally hope there will be no hard feelings and everyone feels welcome and accepted on SOS.
L, NAPHi all,
I read the posts first about the weekend retreat and was filled with the unity and peace and happiness and friendship ….and now I’m reading that one of our sisters wrote this post to another sister on her own blog???Wow. There is nothing supportive about that post. It’s not a disagreement or a difference of opinion….it’s an attack and makes me very sad. And the fact that she hasn’t contacted you after your very thoughtful response…makes me even more sad.
This isn’t a gray area for me, it’s a slippery slope. Is SOS a safe site? Do we support all sisters? Do I want to be a part of this site with issues like this left unresolved in spite of the injured party trying to understand and work it out?
My answer is no, I don’t want any part of it. You are all my sisters, and if this woman doesn’t resolve this issue with you Ella, please let me know, either on a forum post or by email. Because if this site is unsafe, and we decide which sisters we give support to and who we don’t….I won’t be part of it. I’ve read your story Ella….I know what pain you have experienced. No one deserves the disrespect and lack of support that you got in that post. So sorry for the pain that this has caused you:(I will be very curious to see what all of our other sisters think about this…this is a discussion really, about who we are, and where this site is headed.
MarieElla, there is so much pain in that post and I’m so sorry that it was directed at you. There are few betrayals that come close to cutting into our souls the way this does and yet there are many here who’s SA’s have not and will NEVER take full responsibility and offer them the empathy and remorse that we all so desperately need. I hope you get to talk and I hope you both get to heal. I know that hurt. XO Lylo
Hi all,
I read NAP and Lylo’s words of comfort and support and what came through to me was the “hope there is resolution” and “hope you get to talk”. Let me take that a step further and say that I hope the other sister will work with you to resolve this and that I hope the other sister will talk to you as you have requested. Ella, you did everything you can do so far. It’s up to her at this point, and I want to state very clearly….that seems very obvious.
MarieI think our pain is a very ugly thing, and sometimes it overtakes us, and we wear it like a weapon. The person who wrote those words is in a great deal of pain, and lashed out at someone who was an easy target.
In my my work I have this experience, too. Those of us who are “out front” for whatever reason will experience this kind of thing. That doesn’t make it right, but from time to time, it’s going to happen, especially with a topic like sex addiction, and a recovering sex addict inviting contact on the internet. What makes this especially hard it to have the connection with this community.
Wherever we can, let us speak the hard things we have to say with our own names attached. That is one way to create a degree of safety. The community then self-regulates, and the target is not wondering where the next shot will come from.
As I have been thinking, I think it is very important to remember that most of us have been dealing with PTSD, and so our reactions and responses are also sharper and more exaggerated sometimes. When I was in the worst of that on the other site, I also had an experience where I thought I would have to leave, and laid down some ultimatum style conversation. Not helpful. But wiser sisters grabbed my hand and wouldn’t let go. And I was able to recover my balance.
Can we grab hands here–with Ella, with the one whose post hurt so much, with all who are carrying this trouble through the day, and hang on for a while together? Hang on to the truth of everything, and find our way out again? I believe in us, all of us. We can be transformed again, and again. Let this be one of those times.
Light to all,
Diane.This is very disappointing news. Especially after feeling the high emotions of the gals that attended the retreat and wishing that I could have been there so I could feel that way too.
While I’m no expert, the only thing I can think to say about this situation is that when people hurt and get angry and express themselves in a protected environment, we are going to hear, through their words, some very raw emotion. But to direct that anger and emotion at one person in particular is totally uncalled for and I can’t fathom the fact that one of our sisters actually did that.
My hope is that this sister will have thought better of it by now and apologize to Ella and the Sisterhood. We live a life these days of learning how to forgive when forgiveness is earned. There’s no reason we can’t forgive this person if they come forward and explain their actions.
I agree that we need to make every effort to work with JoAnn and make sure that this site remains completely safe and private. I hate to think that we would not be able to open up and express ourselves because the site has lost it’s integrity.
Ella, I’m terribly sorry this has happened to you. Please don’t let one person’s actions make you leave the sisterhood. We all deserve to be here and you would be terribly missed if you go.
Much love, Claire
Diane, I have feeling you are wonderful at your job. I too, hope that this can be resolved in person with some heartfelt honesty. I joined SOS because it felt safe. I went from a generic avatar and my fun screen name (zumagirl, z-girl, zg…all good, lol!) to a photo of myself and using my real name in recent weeks. Next thing you know, I’m giving out my cell phone number and flying to Indiana to meet people who I only know from the internet (something I’ve warned my teens about at every given chance!). Anyway, the point is, we all need this safe place.
I do think that the post came from a place of raw emotion and pain. I don’t believe that any of us on here are inherently cruel. I know that I have lashed out at my SA with cruel and vindictive words that I never thought possible. But, eh, he deserves it.
I have seen many heated debates on here, but that’s ok, because they come from a place of respect, and we have all come to feel safe voicing our opinions.
Just as fyi, because I DO feel safe with you all, I am the person who posted the question as “Jamie” to Jeff. Most likely that would not be difficult for you to figure out anyways. 😉 I used an alias there, of course, because it’s a public forum. For me, just personally, it’s interesting to hear the perspective of a SA. I can also see where that would be a huge trigger for others. And of course, part of our healing is avoiding our own triggers. If we don’t, then maybe we have to figure out why–maybe we are trying to punish ourselves for who-knows-what-reason? I don’t know; I’m no therapist; just food for thought.
Let’s continue the healing that JoAnn started here, and that even brought some of us many miles away from home this weekend.
Much love, Julie
Oh and just to clarify, in case my previous post was confusing. I did post the original question to Jeff (as Jamie), but I was not the person who left the negative followup comments.
Much love again,
Julie/ZG 🙂Hmm, fascinating discussion z girl,
Yes, we have more than likely all lashed out at our own SA husband’s, but how many of us have lashed out at another sister or her SA husband, and then not taken responsibility for it or apologized for it or owned it? I personally haven’t ever done that, and if I did, I like to think that I would make amends so that I could sleep at night.
And, yes, I do believe that you feel safe here, z girl. I have felt safe here, too. But no one has lashed out at me or to my h personally in that way, and I am guessing that no one has lashed out to you or yours, either. Has your husband gotten an email from a woman on this site saying those kinds of things to him and what you do, how would you feel if he did? I don’t think either one of you would feel safe, I know I wouldn’t. If this poster sent that email to my husband, not one of you would even recognize me as the same person…. I would be SO enraged and this site would feel SO unsafe. I am surprised that Ella sounds a calm as she does.
And one thing that isn’t clear to me, but I think may be the case is that the sister involved here may not have signed her own name or given that post with any intent that she could be found out. This whole thing smacks of anonymity to me, and I find that greatly disturbing. It’s one thing for you to ask a question with a pseudonym,ZG, it’s another entirely for someone to voice that kind of rage and anger and spite and do it anonymously. I can’t respect that at all, not from anybody, any topic, any time.
And yes, Diane and Z girl, the post comes from someone with a lot of pain and anger, and I also agree with you that fact isn’t an excuse. And we are all human and any of us can and do make mistakes based on our own perspectives and history, and experiences and pain, but it’s not an excuse. The signs of our maturity and growth are what we do after we mess up.
And here’s the thing bothers me the most actually….I am having a really hard time getting into the whole zen like/spiritual experience that those of you who were on the retreat are coming back and talking about with this issue unresolved. Support? Unity? Peace? Really? I can tell from your post Z Girl that you know who sent that post, I have a very strong suspicion that because of the silence of the other women on the retreat, who are normally the biggest defenders of sisters and women in general….that probably all of you knew about this before Ella posted. Everyone is allowed to support whatever position they want, and any of you who were at the retreat should do so, and the silence is absolutely resounding…and I’m allowed to feel sad and disillusioned about that. And I do.
I feel like we’re back in junior high and the popular girl has a loyal following. I didn’t like that or participate in it when I was 12, and I can’t think of any good reason to start now.
Diane, I agree with z-girl, you must be VERY good at your job:)
Confused and sad,
MarieWOW! I go away for a few days and a volcano erupts!
Let’s all take a step back here and work through this.
First, I will state my concerns as clearly and honestly as I can. Then you can agree or disagree, that’s what this site is all about.
First ,let me say that I was a little concerned when I saw that Ella was promoting her husband’s site on here. This is a safe place for WOMEN. We have our own SA’s to deal with, recovering or not. Bringing Jeff into this site, even as a link, I felt was inappropriate, but I tend to let people work things out themselves, so I let it go.
I try to be a hands off person as I respect each of you as adults who are perfectly capable of monitoring yourselves and each other.
I also feel that her contacting people privately with her concerns, or to promote her intensives crosses that line of what this site is all about. Private messages for making friendly contacts is certainly encouraged, but to privately contact people with the intent of promoting their intensives just doesn’t sit well with me. But, again, I tend to let others work things through.
Now I am questioning that policy.
As a therapist Ella should have known that some of the women on this site are still very angry over their discoveries and still have fresh wounds that need to heal and whose emotions are still very raw.
I think it was insensitive of her to put yet another SA into the mix.
Second, no one knows who wrote that post. No matter what we may think, no one knows who it is. Being judge and jury on this site is not what it is all about.
Third, this site is for the support of women who are dealing with Sex Addiction. A conflict on Ella’s or Jeff’s website does not need to be hashed out here. That was her problem and hers alone. She was the one who put the link up to Jeff’s site and dealing with that issue here is inappropriate and unsettling.
Just look what it has done. It has upset a lot of people, causing them to doubt the integrity and safety of this site. It has divided us and added stress to our already chaotic lives,
As I said, it was her problem that had nothing to do with this site. Her accusations toward one of our Sisters was uncalled for and, even if it is true that one of our Sisters wrote it, it was strictly between her and Ella and Jeff and does not belong here.
I am sorry that this incident has caused pain for any of us, including me.
If anyone deserves an apology it is all of us.
I welcome any and all opinions and comments.
I believe this is a support website. I have appreciated being able to come to this site and get some of this craziness in my life straightened out. I still feel needy and I look forward to the day when I can sound as smart and grounded as some of you. The retreat was special. On my drive home I cried from Chicago to Milwaukee. It just happened and I couldn’t stop. So many emotions, it is going to take a few days to process. So many great women who have been victims of horrible abuse including myself. It makes me sad and angry. And even those who sound strong are still so fragile. We have all been burned by the ones we trusted the most. Our guard needs to be up.
ella
I had nothing to do with the things written to you. Before today I never even checked out your website. But I do have to say that I really liked you at first, and I thought how wonderful to have another “expert” like JoAnn for added input. I hope you choose to stay on to get support for this awful disorder. But I do feel like you have an agenda and are trying to promote your business. ella if you really want to support and to receive the support I have gotten from this site, I think you should stop directing people to your website, your intensives, your phone counseling etc. When you do that it devalues the advice you have to give. I for one am afraid of being “sucked in” to another expensive intensive. I did one out of desperation, they promised me the world, and I would have paid anything to save my 28 year marriage. It was a nice weekend, but they took my money and I never heard from them again. It wasn’t successful ~ because I am married to a sex addict and I wish I would have put that $ towards kids tuition.
When I read your advice and you tell people to go to caribou ministries it gives me the shivers, it’s like having a commercial right in the middle of someones post.
It makes me uncomfortable that you are trying to sell stuff here. And I wish you wouldn’t.This is my sole opinion, It is honestly how I feel. I am sorry to read that your husband was personally attacked. I am glad this didn’t happen on this site and I hope THIS SITE remains safe for all of us.
I wouldn’t give out my h’s contact info, I can only imagine what all of you would say to him given the chance.Marie
the retreat was nothing like 12 year olds dealing with popular girls. It was a room full of unconditional love and equal acceptance. we all have been through hell. And those not there really were mentioned with kind words of how good so much of their advice has been. It is interesting to hear people quote someones advice and have a whole roomful of people agree on how good it was. Posts from you, Diane, Nap, lylo and cbs and others were brought up often from memory and cherished all over again.
We are truly blessed to have each other.
hugs
HeidiWELL SAID nothing else needs to be said joann you do have a way with words this is such a raw place to be in our lives the pain of all we have been through and still going through. i am sorry for all of us and our familys. to be honest many times i wish i could jump into my screen and choke the hell out of some one else partner, husband what ever. this is so hard to know the evils of life yet we live them day in and day out. i am sorry for all of us……………..
Heidi,
I did not mean to imply that the retreat was about 12 year olds and popular girls,I am sure it was very healing and amazing. That comment was in reference to the issue I was talking about as regards how we treat other sisters, who may be outside of the circle.JoAnne, with all due respect, anyone who read that post knows exactly who sent that. And IP addresses are pretty easy to trace, if anyone wanted to do that. It’s probably already been done.
I believe that if you had a problem with Ella posting her stuff on your site, you as the administrator had the option to talk to her about that. As you said, it didn’t happen.
If any other woman on here had a problem with Ella posting her stuff on your site, they had the option to talk to her about that. That doesn’t sound like it happened either.In fact, it sounds like some of the women thought it was a good idea and used it.
So, what you are telling me is that if I gave enough personal information that one of the sister’s on this site could figure out who my h was and send him a post like that one to his personal email or website, that also maligned me…that it would be my problem to work out elsewhere? And I would owe you an apology? I don’t live in that world, JoAnne and I don’t want to live in that world.
What it tells me is that this site isn’t safe. What it tells me is that the simple solution is that if I hurt someone, intentionally or unintentionally, I am really sorry for it and I will make amends and I will publicly state my opinion for all to see, anywhere, I don’t care what site or forum. that’s parsing the details. I care about each and every sister on here, I care about her feelings, I care about her pain. And when we parse the details, it detracts from the real issue….the pain that each one of us has and the trauma that each one of us has from being married or having been married to a sex addict.Thank you for sharing your view of the site and this issue, I really appreciate that, and it’s very valuable information to know.
MarieWhat any of the Sisters do in their own personal time, while not on this site, is not something that you or I or anyone should or try to control. And, it is my choice to allow certain issues to play themselves out on this site. We are all adults here and I am certainly not anyone’s mother or warden.
If the issue had happened here then that would be a different story, but I would still probably choose to let it play out by itself unless I felt it was getting out of hand.
Why is this site implicated and criticized for what someone does on their own time? Whomever wrote that post did so on her own time, on her own computer and on another web site, a public website that is open for comments and all comments are moderated by the owners of the site, and offensive comments are not published.
I have absolutely no desire, nor should I, to interfere with that.
It was inappropriate for Ella to bring that issue into this site, especially with the very offensive title that she used for the post. That issue was between her and whoever wrote that comment, period. And yes, I do expect them to work it out. Why wouldn’t I? It is between them, not me and not the Sisters on this website or this website as a whole.
It is not our place to police or control what choices anyone makes or what anyone does on their own personal time. We may not like it, we may not approve, but it is not our place to interfere.
Nothing was done here on this site and Ella should not have brought that issue here.
If I, or any of the Sisters, feel that we will be criticized for things that we do somewhere else, on our own personal time, then certainly this would not be a safe site for anyone.
Wow, I deal with drama at home, I didn’t think I’d have to read it here too. That just sucks. As I read, I’m getting a sense of divide here and that is not what we are here for at all. It supposed to be about supporting each other.
Honestly, I have to say, Heidi summed it up quite well in my humble opinion because I was directly approached by Ella myself and offered a “deal” for an intensive through a PM. I resolved it on my own with a summary of my situation with my husband and that I didn’t feel an intensive was right for me. Ella emailed me at my personal account and then on here when all this mess began. Really? Do I need that kind of drama brought into my life when I already have health concerns, SA concerns, job concerns and I’m being stalked too? No. There comes a time when the pot should not be stirred and others should not be brought in.
I hate that all of this has happened and would love for it to be resolved but the only way that can happen right now, for me, Ella, if you decide to stay on, we all move forward, I think it would be a good a good idea to remove Jeff from the equation and not refer any other Sisters to your business. I know that you have good intentions but our emotions are high here and we come here for peace, not all this.
Again, my personal opinion.
SS
Good Grief,
What the hell is all this?? Why do I feel like everyone else knows something I don’t? I have read the posts, but I am not completely following the very weird vibe on here tonight. This is VERY unpleasant after such a wonderful weekend, where so many found comfort? I will go ahead and throw my 2 cents worth in as it seems to be the in thing to do?
I have NO IDEA who sent that post to Ella. Perhaps it is someone from the past, that you all recognize, but I don’t know who it is? Whoever they are……they are in horrific pain…pain that I recognize all too well, because I have felt that rage many, many times. Just the same….when I read the post I felt my stomach lurch and I can only assume Ella felt the same way?
Ella, I think you should take off your therapist cap and just join in as a wife and you will get alot more out of it and be alot less frustrated. You are mixing business with your personal feelings here and I think it might just be too close…for all of us? It really isn’t any different than if Marie were dispensing medical advice and we were becoming her patients. You are just as mixed up as the rest of us as evidenced by the way you defend your husband so vehemently and delight in your sister’s misfortunes…kind of a dichotomy don’t you think? BUT perfectly natural…to feel rage toward the woman who defiled your life. I am NOT being unkind here. Just pointing out that you may be the best therapist in the world for your clients, BUT YOU still need help for YOU as a wife who was treated so, so poorly. We want to support YOU and in order for us to do that you need to stop threatening to quit and just accept that you are now part of the gang. I am not minimizing what was said to you or your husband. A personal attack on you is NOT what I stand for either. I believe in speaking our minds openly and if I was going to come out with guns blazing I would do it to your face…well cyber face if you get my drift? You and I definately have different views BUT so what? You can learn from me and I can learn from you? I REALLY do not think you should quit now. Despite everything, I think you can benefit from us because we are partners, Ella, and thats your work now.What you see in us you will see in others in your practice? I may seem a hard bitch at times but I will say straight up and out…”I HOPE YOU STAY WITH US!
Marie, you are killing me? God….please don’t go off and leave SOS or anything like that. That would be just terrible…for you and for us? I can tell you are very angry and I don’t know if you know more than I do here BUT I don’t think it will be in your longterm interest to stop coming and it sure will NOT be in mine if you do. 🙁
JoAnn, I think I agree with your position BUT maybe in this case you should have spoken earlier. I felt similar to you BUT I didn’t want to say anything because, though I am not trying to fix my husband, I didn’t want to interfere with others who might want that input?
To the known or unknown poster…..YOU most of all should stay with us? All that terrible rage and grief you feel needs an outlet. You can bring your burden here. You can bash him ,curse him, defile him, and denigrate him until you feel some blessed relief. We will help you. We know what is on the inside. It has to come out or it will poison you and steal your life. I know how you feel. Sort this out and bring your anguish here.
This thread has been a lesson to me. There is such a range of high feelings between all of us….it is scary how much we hurt. It is scary how the pain can go on and on. It is scary how misunderstood we sometimes are and how we misunderstand each other at times. In these posts we expose our underbellies in ways we probably never will again. I have such respect for each and EVERY one of you. I do not want to lose a SINGLE sister on this journey so please, please calm down, reconsider, recognize that you are needed and come back. And get rid of that weird vibe.
MUCH LOVE, Karen xxSigh…… 🙁
I went to the library earlier and got caught up in my response and they shut down my computer before it was saved. (At least an hours worth of work) Then, I came to my Dad’s (25 minute drive) to borrow his computer so I could post what my thoughts have been throughout the day. I just spent 1 1/2 additional hours retyping my comment and then I accidently hit the refresh button and my entire comment went away. Then, I cried. Really. I am so sick about this and even if this is a “sign” not to post my comment, I am determined to do it anyway as there are several items I need to address. I will now drive the 25 minutes home and post my thoughts on my smart phone, which I guess is what the hell I should have just done in the first place. Ugh. Sorry, just verrrry frustrated on ALL levels.SL,
Hey awesome-planner-chauffeur-shopper-sister-friend-extraordinaire,
I think you are running on about 10 hours of sleep total from the past 5 days. Get some zzzz’s, and this post will wait for you. (I mean, where the hell’s it gonna go, lol?)
Love you, my friend!
JulieAhhhhh Silver. that sucks. I do that all the time. Hit the wrong button and pooof delete. 🙁 Half the time I FORGET THE big impt point I WAS TRYING TO MAKE. maybe is just as well if once in awhile my big, impt points disappear? 🙂 Karen x
Okay, I am going to make a short(ish) (oops, not so short!) statement, because obviously there is a lot of angst here and I feel so badly that my sisters on here have been subjected to something that was never meant for them. If it had been, it would’ve been posted on here; not elsewhere.
Yes, it was me; most of you already know that and the sisters at the retreat knew all about it because it came up a couple of times. I did not bring my lap top, so I did not even see the many emails from Ella until late last night and today, and I needed to process what she had said to me, which included a request by her for an “in person” visit to Houston? to discuss all of “my findings” with them? I hope they give me a discount! Is it okay to laugh? I can’t get through 10 sentences without laughing. (right sisters???)
No one is trying to protect me or defend me and I stand by my statements 100%, but they were intended for Jeff and for Jeff only, and yet, it was not Jeff that I’ve heard from.
Everything that I said was based on not only his answer, which you did not see, but which I and others found to be completely insulting and unprofessional, but also on a lot of research that I have done on my own, regarding his credentials, or lack thereof, his own blog postings which sound like rote phrases he read in some book, or things that he knows he’s “supposed” to say– And also the dozens of comments on his blog which link back to either facebook, yahoo, google, or bing. Obviously, they are not real comments, and yet he posted them. (my comment was not posted, nor was I expecting it to be, or to receive any comment, either) His explanation of what sex addiction is, was lifted VERBATIM from another blog.
I have written in greater detail to Ella and also that I truly wish to put this all to rest and that I am very sorry that she is the one who has taken the brunt of something that was intended for her husband, not her! I do not wish her any ill will, but I am deeply, deeply concerned about her because of her reaction and also about her husband giving any kind of advice or counseling to anyone on here. He is not qualified! And yes, I have to say, that I have also felt for quite some time, that it seemed that Ella was here, primarily to drum up some business, and that has disturbed me too.
I am sorry that it has come to this. It is in no way personal, and I agree with Karen that I would welcome Ella with open arms as a woman needing support, or with some insight that someone could benefit from, but to leave her SA hubbie out of it, and also the private solicitations for her intensives, etc.
Again, I am sorry that this was brought up on here.
Silver, if you still want to write something, or if anyone else feels the need to say something, fine, but I am truly hoping that we can put this baby to bed and very soon.
I am okay. I’m actually doing a LOT better than I was, a week or two ago. But, like I said… I’m done with sex addicts. I don’t care if they recover or don’t recover or what they think or don’t think or what they think that we think or what they think that they can do to “help” us.
They can’t help us.
They can’t or they wouldn’t have done what they did in the first place. That is how I truly feel. One day, I might change my mind, but for the time being, that is the only reality that I know.
but I’m done with them. (I truly, truly hope so!)
Thanks for listening and peace to all who may read this.
Love,
L
Ladies, although JoAnn told me that she had deactivated my account, I came back to see if I still had access so that I could make sure my picture and name were removed, and indeed, I do still have access. I admit I feel an urge to address the many untruths or half-truths that are mentioned here, as well as comment on the gross misstatements made about me and my husband. But that would take way longer than I am willing to devote at this point. I contacted a few of you privately to basically say goodbye and explain why I was leaving. I guess some of you felt that by doing that I was creating drama for you and I apologize. As you can see from Lexie’s post that I posted, she is indeed attacking not just my husband, but both my husband and me. As I said, I was hurt, but I should not have brought it up here. I should not have even let it affect me at all (and acted as mature as he did by letting it roll off his back), but after all, I am human. When you are accused of so many things that are completely inaccurate, it is tough to know whether to remain silent or to defend yourself. Sometimes it doesn’t matter what you do because others have already made up their minds. I believe that is the case here. Many of the things I have said on this site over the last month or so have struck a chord with many of you. Without meaning to be, I think I am a trigger for some of you. You don’t want to hear that there is ever hope for a sex addict to recover and if I were in your shoes I might not either. Maybe it makes you feel like if it is possible, then why were you not good enough for your husband to recover? Of course that isn’t how it works. No one should feel guilty or responsible for their husband’s behavior.
I stayed on this site long after I should have because ONE, I actually thought I was accepted as a fellow sister by some (seems I was wrong for the most part) and enjoyed discussing this topic, as it is my passion and my life’s work, and TWO, I wanted to be one of the few voices of hope for marriage and SA recovery for the women who needed that. I should have listened to that little voice telling me, “you are not welcome here, you are not safe here”. JoAnn, please do go ahead and remove me from this site, since I seem to be unable to do it myself, probably since I was never a paying member and you set it up for me. I only ask of everyone here, that when new women come on the site, please remember that everyone’s story is different. Sweeping statements about how all sex addicts are evil monsters and that recovery is impossible are not what a woman who has just discovered her husband is a sex addict needs to hear.
Remember that if you respond to this, don’t direct the response toward me because I will most likely not have access to it and have no desire to anyhow. I do not hold any ill-will toward any of you for the unkind things some of you have said. You are simply wounded and scarred. I wish you all the very best!Thank you Lexie for coming forward. I had no idea it was you, but there are probably details about your story that I don’t know from way back. I do know your heart and I believe you have addressed this and I hope we can all put it to bed now. We have far too many problems already, to let issues between ourselves create any more. I sometimes think we are all so damn hurt that we are half crazy, half the time… but maybe I should only speak for myself. Though I resist the co-addiction label vehemently…I do have days where I think “what the hell is wrong with you Karen??? How much more of your life are you going to allow to be consumed by this shit?” Thats why I REALLY liked what you said about the healing for US, Lexie….though in early days at Cosa I used to feel like screaming when they would suggest focusing on my own healing? Most days I hardly know what that means. I just know that meeting every single one of you has made me feel so much less angry, lonely, crazy and confused. I can honestly say this is the ONLY group I have ever been in where I feel such unconditional goodwill towards every single person. It is strange and NOT strange. Our personalities are so different, our circumstances so different yet we are bonded by this commonality of pain and loss that few can grasp. it reminds me of old war vets who keep reuniting year after year because only they understand what they endured together.We have all lived in emotional war zones and we bear the scars.Time to bind up the wounds and try to move forward, holding each other up along the way. Karen xx
Um, not so fast, Ella. I DO hope you will lurk around a little longer and see this. Unfortunately, this is no where near the comment I had prepared earlier and it will still be forthcoming but I don’t care whether you read the 2nd one or not, as it will be mainly focusing on someone else and their part in this little facade.
Just a little history, we have NEVER had the drama on this site (with a very small exception of 1 time when I remember someone really got their feelings hurt) but it was resolved respectfully and everyone moved on. Since you have joined the site (or whatever you did, since you made it LOUD AND CLEAR that you were never a paying customer for whatever cheap thrill that must have given you to announce, but really, I’m pretty sure we could all care less about whatever arrangement you had worked out with JoAnn),
there has been a continuous amount of drama and discord on SOS and you always seem to be in the middle of it. Coincidence? I think not.
You remind me of an SA, Ella, with your passive aggressive ways, always in the name of being a victim. You knew exactly what you were doing when you put out that blog post late last night. I read between the lines immediately. I knew it would start a war and so did you. Was that your way of punishing Lexie for hurting you? What part of this game you are playing do you feel is professional? Do you understand how much you have been embarrassing yourself? With the exception of a very selected few, your little plan failed. We will protect a sister who made a mistake (if WE feel that it is a mistake) if it was done due to emotional issues, triggers, etc. I feel your intention of exploiting that damn post was to expose her and her mistake and to create animosity among the group. I understand that it was hurtful to you and it is not something I would ever write, but again, it needed to be resolved on the blog, on the phone, on your email, etc. It absolutely did NOT belong on this site and I think that has been made crystal clear. You can always apologize after the fact (big TRIGGER- too SA like for ME)! You knew exactly what you were doing. You are very immature Ella, and instead of counseling others, perhaps you need some counseling yourself? You have done very little but create drama and strife since you arrived, yet always- you portray yourself as the victim and see how many people will fall all over themselves apologizing to you and begging you to stay. Yuk.I do hope you are not, once again, crying wolf about leaving. The more times you play that game, the less and less support you will receive as people begin to see the pattern.
I hope you get your own issues resolved as you are conducting yourself in a very unhealthy manner and if left untreated, could continue to escalate to the point of destruction, you know, kind of like an SA.
I did deactivate Ella’s account last night, but, since I have never had to do that before I didn’t realize that I also had to go into other areas to complete the process.
All those layers of security I put in place need to be addressed when someone is deactivated. If they simply cancel all that is done automatically, but if done manually all the layers must be deactivated.
Ella no longer has access to this site.
Her posts will remain as I am the only one who has control over that. The only things I will remove are the links she had in her posts, and I will do that when I get back from my vacation.
I am trying very hard to not let this drama ruin my road trip vacation to enjoy the fall colors.
Maybe I’m just not meant to take vacations. 🙁
My deepest love and healing light to all my Sisters.
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