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I’m divorced and thinking to start dating again. So what do I look out for? Even knowing all that I know now, I’m not sure how I could have seen trouble in my ex. Share your ideas with me, Sisters, as I head out into the jungle.
Hi Polly,
Happy for your new life. I think I would look for someone who wasn’t grossly charming, whose actions matched their words, who didn’t gawk at other woman in public, one who NEVER looks at porn, show a sincere respect for woman, and I would get to know his family background. I would date for a long time before any comittment and may even have him checked out by a P.I. They can do computer checks to see what websites hes ever been on. This problably sounds over the top…but this is what I would do. Also, any evidence of lieing to me he would be gone. No histories of addictions too. (maybe only if he was in full recovery maybe like 20 years). I would also want to know the truth why his last marriage ended.PS. I would educate myself on all the red flags related to SA and if you get ANY creepy feelings…run as fast as you can!
I think interviewing a man’s ex is a brilliant idea! (and the ex before her…) and a full background check which you can do yourself for about 40 bucks, online. I don’t know how thoroughly accurate they are, but its a start.
I hate to say it, but its probably best to stay away from the internet. quite frankly, i had a profile once on match dot CON! and that one was one of the worst!
And the thing I learned is if you EVER catch him in any kind of a lie— like where he works, where he lives, why he had to suddenly break your date, (you noticed that he was online while he was supposed to be out of town visiting his “sick” mother)……………
— the jig is up.
I’m kind of with cbslife on this one..wow after thinking that he was my knight in shining armour and having it turn out to be a sham I would be truly petrified at this point..even though there are some non addict men out there…
NAP has all good points but even with all of that I still would be hypervigilant..sorry to be such a downer but that’s where I’m at right now…and that’s just me..
It is a jungle out there..Be Safe…!!
Polly – I would look for someone without the glimmer and glammer the SA portrays -someone who might even be a little boring. That was the advice my 1st husband’s therapist gave me when we divorced. Unfortunately, I didn’t follow the advice.
Hi Polly, If you know his email addresses they can do a complete list of sites they have been on and even registered.
NAP – I might just get my PI to do that in case Steve tries to pull the trump card before the divorce goes through. He has maintained on RN he hasn’t been to any porn sites since last August – I am not buying it.
Hi NAP,
Thats a good one. How can they tell? And who can you pay to do this??Polly,
Dating. First I would make a list of all the qualities you would like and requirements, i.e. a job, no addictions etc. Also write a list of what you don’t want, these are your bottom line boundaries.
Also what you said is totally true. Pick a guy who is not your normal type, and exaclty someone who may just be a little boring. And give the guy a chance. I have read that in a couple of books. That the guys who catches you and you are really really attracted to, is the one who you are probably repeating your past with. So stay clear of those ones. I have been trying to think of my list as well, what am i looking for in the next relationship? Just atleast to get the thoughts going. I am to overwhelmed with everything else to even contemplate dating at this point. Also I would not date one, date a few and compare for a long time. Then never marry the one you pick. I don’t think i am going the marriage route again. But that is just my preference (at this point anyway). Even though i still have that dream, but at this point its pretty much futile.floria you wrote “Pick a guy who is not your normal type” it does not work my partner is the total opposite of what i would be with and guess what “SA to the core”
Hi Flora,
From what I understand (I have not done this myself) there are websites out there that just do extensive searches of email addresses. Any social networking sites, ect. would pop up. The reason for the P.I., especially if they are a good one, they would use an extensive method of doing this and also may use more than one method. They are experts at finding data. You may be able to do it online yourself, however, I think a good P.I. would know how to do it really well. Do not know what they would charge. Usually our SA have more than 1 email address so if you find any write them down so you dont forget. Mine was changing his but there is still data on the old ones and with the new ones that can be found. I think this would be an eye opener for a lot of us…….but not surprising…..No Flora – divorce is not final for probably another 60 days. And, you must have me mixed up with someone else – I have no intention of dating. I was just going to go out on dancing dates because I enjoy dancing, but then couldn’t even do that. I really think, after a divorce, it is not good to step back into the dating scene. Much time is needed for healing, and I think to rush it is just setting ourselves up for making another mistake. I think we are much too vulnerable to even attempt a date. I will probably wait 6 mo. to a year unless “Mr. Boring” should show up in the picture, and right now I probably wouldn’t even give him a chance.
Hope you are doing well.Hi Kat,
Ya who knows. Both of my husbands are were totally different; but in the end not so much different (strange how that works). So I can see what you talk about. But my guess is this. If you go to a bar and see five men, two you are attracted to, the other three not. Go for one of the other three. And your SA you must have been attracted to because you did marry him and spent a lot of time together. Someday I hope to brave those waters again, and can report how that goes…. Maybe have some real proven theories of my own, or test others.Nap – Do you know what those websites are for locating E-mail addresses?
Hi Sharron,
Whoops, its polly!?!?! I saw the icon and I thought it was yours because its close to the same color. I changed the post.Ya me too, many months left, have no energy for anything else. I doubt mr boring will show up anytime for me either. I don;t think that he will be boring, but they may seem boring to us as there will be no secrecy or chase persay. Not any of the that extreme courting that SA’s use or other addicts to “hook” us and quick. It may even be that they would take us to dinner, and not expect sex after!?!?! They may just enjoy our company, wonder what that would be like???
Wow, Flora. “that extreme courting that SA’s use or other addicts to “hook” us and quick.” That is definitely what my ex did. I still don’t get why they want to marry us. Hook us, yes, but marry????
Hi Polly,
Yes it is very common for addicts to come on quick as in “you are the world to me I need you” moving in after two dates, asking for marriage after a month, the i love yous quick, you are my world, calling and always in the picture….you get the idea. They are all consuming…and you have no chance to think about his job, or his staring, or his creepy sex jokes. They keep you baited with the postives and not able to pay attention per say drinking too much, drug use; all that gets swept under the lot, or hit with a postivie spin. You get the idea. They keep you slighly off balance, and they are constantly your focus, and you fall hard. They have this inate capability to also find your weak points and build on them as well. with compliements etc. Heck we even probably say them, as we feel we are in this close relationship. But in reality we are the only ones showing and baring our soul.Sometimes that is the part than burns me the most in all of this. After my first husband i made a vow to myself to be honest. And I was with my SA. I wanted a man who would meet my needs; too bad only one of us was honest.
In a few books I have read where the addict knows quite quickly that you will be “the one” for him. And when i say the one, you are the one he feels will prop him up, care for him, and yes also the one that they hope will save them from their addiction. But that never really happens. They typically know very quickly that you are it, and meet the qualites that they are looking for. None of it is by chance, they seek us out. And all the examples that the author included portrayed the addict swooping in, coming on fast, etc etc. So its not that the man is boring per say, but the courthsip will not be all consuming; as a normal man will not resort to these tactics. Instead it will be a slow building of trust in one another, and intimacy, over a long period of time.
Becaue we see the all consuming love as he is my prince charming and he is “the one”; a normal slow growing romance where you are building a good solid foundation takes time; not a three months…or a week.
Hi Katt,
If I recall correctly your husband was married when you met. That in and of itself makes him not normal when you were friends and the courting began. So while you think that he was normal, the situation was not. just a thought.
In addition he was playing your pity card big time, with the schrew of a wife and custody battles etc. That she was not a loving wife and did not care about the kids. The other tip, is if a man starts playing the pity card; walk away. Addicts love pity and so do sociopaths. That is their beggiest playing peice.My SA had to leave his job in vermont becasue the principle was in love with him and kept going after him, even though she was married with a family. Get the picture. I kick myself now, that was a major red flag!!! But instead i felt pity, aw poor guy, she must be taking advantage of him. In reality he should never have allowed himself to get into that postition. But it was the addcit and putting a postive spin on it, and you think well he’s mine now what a catch!!
Flora,
You so frequently post something that really speaks to me. I’m sure my ex quickly identified me as someone who would “save him”. I’ve thought that is why he started to be so hostile so soon, because it was clear to him that I wasn’t saving him. Of course, I didn’t know there was anything to save him from, and I wouldn’t have taken on the project.Just like you, I was completely open with Jeff from the start. But clearly he was not. And I did fall fast. Those “extreme courtship” words felt good to hear! Thanks for your insights. I’m thinking I have fallen more than once for the man who hones in on me with intensity. Thanks, Flora.
Flora – I met my SA on a dating site. He reacted just the opposite. We met for the first time at a restaurant. Steve told me he was just looking for friendship at that point in time. He didn’t act the least bit interested, and left telling me he was going out of town and would call me when he got back in 2 weeks. I never expected to hear from him again.
He seemed, as they all do, like the perfect guy! I got a call when he got back, and we met again at a singles dance to get better acquainted. We then set up a private date. From there on, it was down hill. Our relationship then moved very quickly, and we were sleeping together within a month. I fell head over heals for him, and from that time on the charm, “mr. Personality” came out, and I was hooked. He did everything right, of course. Loving, caring, did everything for me, etc. Looking back, I should have recognized the signs of a very “needy” guy. Oh well, live and learn!Actually Flora, I forgot to add – I was the one who pushed hard and made up my mind I was going to catch him. I actually seduced him. I think Steve was a little different, in that he was love addict/love avoidant. Once we got into the relationship is when things changed. I am sure he figured I was the one who would “fix him and be his mama, as they usually pick very strong personalities to compensate for feeling inadequate. He knew I dated a man from work, for a very short period of time, for whom I found out he was into domination/submission. I dumped him quickly. Steve told me he hid his addiction becasue of that short relationship, and was afraid he would lose me if he disclosed. Good excuse, huh???
Hi Sharron,
You say the first month was slow but then it moved quick, head over heals, your words. But yet he was gone for two weeks of that and you never thought you would see him again (strange to be gone and not hear from the guy for two weeks). So Steve was distant for a month, then it was head over heals.I guess if the relationship is giving you this off kilter, unstable feeling, fast moving, rush, then just maybe it may be reliving the past or he maybe be a “badboy”. In you start to question his motives or sanity; but make excuses, then maybe its best to run.
Like when Steve was away for two weeks, did you call him? did you wonder where he was? Were you thoroughly thrilled when he finally did? Did you or he make an excuse as to why you were not important enough for him to call for two weeks?? The guy from he’s just not that into you would say, two weeks is a long time to not hear from a guy who is supposedly into you.
I don’t really have any answers, but just relaying what I have read. And it made sense to me, and i think it may make sense to others. I don;t think everyone will fit the mold, I did not think i did either, until I read the book (Woman who love too much). Then it made sense.
Ya Flora – I read that very good book, as well. Come to think about it, it was a week he was gone – not two. Since our first meeting was at a restaurant and he was basically a stranger, I didn’t think anything about not hearing from him for that week. I didn’t take his phone number, but he had mine.
I wouldn’t say he was distant for that month – just shy.He was very attentive, but didn’t seem anxious to move quickly like most of these guys do. I agree that they all present differently. I am sure, subconsciously, he told himself he didn’t want a relationship, but his pattern was to go from one relationship to another. First marriage, quickly got into the relationship with the woman who seduced him and later became his wife for 22 years. Then to me. His divorce was final the day I met him.
He claimed he never had any affairs. His work was his addiction until the last 8 years of his marriage when he began the d/s porn addiction. According to him, he justified it by saying he had no sex with his wife. Might be normal to engage in “normal” porn (If there is such a thing) if you are in a sexless marriage. 650# women doing crushing and stomping to inflict pain is not normal!
We sure do gain a lot of insight on this site, don’t we. I find it enlightening that all of you research the subject of SA and are so knowledgeable. I think bouncing it all of eachother is so therapeutic – more so than what a therapist can accomplish.
I am going to see a colleague therapist of mine, and personal friend. Hoping she can help me work through why I am still in so much pain. I still will get tearful occasionally during the day, and it still hurts so much. Intellectually, I have insight, but emotionally I do not deal with it very well.
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