- This topic has 11 replies, 8 voices, and was last updated 13 years, 2 months ago by
.
-
Posts
-
please everyone stop and breath.
do we not love each other ??????????
do we not care ?????????
do we not feel each others pain????????
do we not understand that we are all different ???????
do we not want and need each other ?????
over the last few weeks if it was not for this site i would have been alone, i would not have anyone that cared, because i didnt care i didnt want to go on. i wanted the pain to end and with out all of you i think i could have stopped it but then i could not have changed my mind.
thank you for saving my life on more that one occasion
i have to believe in you IS THIS NOT WHAT WE ARE HERE FOR
love kathySeconding Katts post. Feeling the love and wanting to thank you all! Things seem to be turning tense–please, we can turn it around (maybe/maybe not with our SAs but certainly with each other). xoxox
Thank you, ladies! I’m sorry for my part in creating the tense environment. I’m just frustrated right now. I hate seeing the sisters hurt and suffering at the expense of these guys. It makes my skin boil. I want everyone safely out of harms way and enjoying a life that includes genuine love and respect from a partner.
I know it is possible for people to change but I am so skeptical. Perhaps I should try to be more hopeful? I will spend some time today reflecting on my hostilities and what has put me here! I am on vacation in Tennessee this week. I will post more later. Thank you both for your friendship and for asking me to really think about what is going on here.
Love,
SL
Katt,
Thank you for your poetic words.I do believe that each of us do care. Everyone here has been a life line to me as well. It is just so hard to know what to do when each of us are facing such similar situations, and yet, very different at the same time.
My hope is that we all can voice our opinions in a way that is not judgemental. I am thankfull to all of the various points of view.
It is often the small voice, the one that swims against the flow, that brings a moment of clarity to a situation. I am asking all of those small voices out there to PLease, please, please come forward.
It is also the bigger voices that bring a sense of validation during those times when we question our own reality.
I am very thankful to have all of you in my life.
Who Knew?
Love,
Cindysilver i dont think anyone person is doing anything. in past years right after christmas i would have this let down. i dont know what else to call it. we all have our moods and such. it hurts to see the ones you love hurt. thats what makes this whole sa shit what it is. we hurt, they hurt, our family hurt, our friends hurt, and the cycle just happens. there is no way to stop it there is no easy fix. but for me all the hurt and i have you and all these ladies. i remember the retreat and how i felt sitting outside with you and i felt real,i felt alive
i knew one day i will be ok
much love kattI understand that some of you feel the need to interfere with the life’s learning processes. I understand that some of you want to do all you can to ‘help’ others make their choices based on your own experiences.
But, we have to be patient and respect that each of us must follow our own path, make our own choices and our own mistakes and learn from those mistakes.
Remember the co-dependent definition of trying to ‘control’ the addict, to protect them from consequences, to not allow them to grow as they learn from their mistakes?
I think that lesson applies here also.
No one has the right to impose their beliefs or choices on anyone else–no matter how well meaning.
No one has the right to deny others their right to make their own mistakes and learn from them,
No one of us has the right to try to control other people’s choices.
Life is a learning experience, and when we try to interfere with that learning process we are actually trying to control that other person, whether it be a SA or another Sister.
So, my dear Sisters, support each other, empathize, offer your experiences, share, love and respect.
But please, do not try to control or feel overly responsible for someone else’s choices. They are their’s and their’s alone to make and learn from.
Simply love each other.
I must have missed something somewhere, because this board and you sisters all seem as wonderful to me as you did the first day I found it. I had briefly been on other forums, but this is the only place where I really feel like I came home in the face of the devastation that came down for me in August. Whether opinions and advice are strong and forceful or gentle, I appreciate them all. Because I know that they all come from empathy and concern. And since I can be a bit of a sponge, especially in a situation like this, it’s good practice for me to learn to sift a bit, to weigh what seems true for me at this point in time, and what might be something to keep on hold while I’m wading through the murkiness of these surreal days.
I would hate for any sisters to leave or to feel like they had to monitor their responses because they thought they’d been too forceful. This is a learning experience that I wish none of us had to be learning, but everyone’s experience and insights are helpful. Because at the heart of it, you all are the only ones who know what this is like and how it turns your world upside down in the blink of an eye.
Love you all,
Annie xoxoI dont have anything to add, but Annies post could have easily been mine. I just want to second her comments. Love you all!
I finally found a therapist who told me yesterday, I hate to tell someone, ” It isn’t going to get any better than this, because it takes all hope out” – meaning Steve will not change. I told him” I know that”, and he acknowledged it. I really am impressed with a therapist who will be right up front and tell it like it is. It gives the wives of an SA the permission to work on either staying or leaving, and helping us to achieve that goal whichever one we choose.
Sounds like a lot of you have piss poor therapist’s. I wish you could all have one like mine, who doesn’t brush the seriousness of addiction under the rug. I know all situations are different, but my guy is telling me right up front how it is for Steve and what I can expect.
Hugs to everyone.Sharron,
I believe you are correct and that your therapist is a “gift” to you. Damn, how we all need good therapists to
Get through this. And it reminded me of something interesting…. (but not so happy or encouraging)….. Back in the earlier years of my marriage to SA, there was a point where I caught him “cheating” on me. (no clue about
SA at this point, of course) but I insisted on marriage counseling and I recall how devastated I was – even with “just” ahem, the idea of my husband having a sexual experience with someone other than ME. I remember the counselors name was Millie, recommended by my brother. I remember how much she supported ME and how much time she took trying to make my husband understand how much he had hurt me. That was a priority for her, even before any real counseling was to take place. I think after a session or two, and (she wouldn’t let it go), he finally started to (half heartedly) agree that he had hurt me. I wasn’t convinced (although I never let on) and apparently neither was Millie. At the end of maybe the 3rd or 4th session, she calmly told my husband that it was very unlikely that he was going to change. She was sure that he “didn’t get it”. Then, she looked at me (in front of him) and told me the same thing….”Most likely, this guy is not going to change. You need to know that the odds are against you. You need to know that your marriage will be filled with disappoints and infidelitys, unless your husband decides to change and I don’t think he is serious about it”. Whoa! Was that what I wanted to hear? Hell no! And hubby wasn’t too pleased either. After all, he “loved” me…. He just made a mistake. This lady is CRAZY. She doesn’t know anything about us! Yada….Yada….Wow. Good ole Millie….. She was supporting the partners long before that was even “cool”. She even pulled me aside one time after she confronted me in front of him and reminded me of what my life would most likely be like if I hung around. (I didn’t want to hear it and I thought she was WRONG!) my husband was STILL wonderful, he just needed to stop having sex with anyone but his wife!! I mean, that shouldn’t be TOO
hard, right!!So…..15 years later and you all know the rest. Sigh….
But yes, as JoAnn said, that was MY relationship, and MY experience, and MY poor decision to put on the blinders, forgive, pooh pooh the experts opinion! I am only one person and this is only MY situation. And as much as I would LOVE to spare you all of 15 more years of ANYTHING but happiness and respect…… JoAnn is right. I can’t control any of you or your situations or your SA’s or your decisions and certainly not your outcomes! I am NOT super woman here to save you or spare your pain. I would love to, but I just can’t. It’s not my place and it’s not my life. I am so sorry that I got extremely carried away…even if it was in the name of love and support. And believe me, if even ONE woman on this site ends up with the winning SA in the 5% bracket- I would love to be a part of that celebration….even from an always reserved stand point! Nope, I wasn’t so lucky. I truly believe my exSAH will go to his death bed leading this life….and it’s heart breaking. But it’s up to me to open my heart and mind to the possibility that it CAN happen for others! And I sure hope it does!! I am thinking of all of you and I love you and wish you the best!
Katt- your post made me cry! We ARE real, Katt and your situation is bound to get better! I would love to help!!I apologize to all, for my part in this disagreement. I am still learning as I go…even tho my decisions have been made, the divorce is final, and I am moving on…. I am still learning and still passionate about life with an SA, partners of SA’s, etc. I just hate the pain, for myself and for all of us. Please forgive me! Love,
SL
silver i did not post to make anyone do anything. i just have never been honest with myself. the day of the retreat i left here and all i could think about is these woman know my life but they have never seen me. so many times i wanted to turn around. what should have been a 8 hour ride turned in to a 11 hour ride. at first i feared being to simple plain as ive seen all the pictures on site. my god you all read my story you knew things that ive hidden for my entire life. yet i have never felt so drawn to be with everyone. yes we are different but what counts is our souls and how much love and support i felt. it did not matter my shirt and nails didn’t match nor that i cut my own hair,or that ive never worn makeup. what counted that i was me. im still trying to figure out just what that means but to have some of the most caring woman beside who i know no matter what happens they will love me. silver i know that you feel my pain and that is what has given me the greatest comfort because without you and everyone else i would still be lost.
much love kathy
- You must be logged in to reply to this topic.