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Reading all of your responses about lies told by your SA’s – sounds like they have all gone to the same school on “How to Lie.” Sounds like the SAME broken records. I still think Steve is one of the best.
Went to “our” counselor today. I am so impressed with him. Never tells me anything I don’t already know, but really helps validate what I do know.
He said, “I hate to say to anyone – He is what he is and won’t change.” I said, “That’s okay, I already know that.
Told me most SA’s that really want to recover relinquish all ties to anything that will trigger them. Feels Steve really is holding onto his addiction, and down deep really doesn’t want to change. He gave the example of an SA who brought his I-Pod into him to keep, because he doesn’t want the temptation. Steve is just the opposite. He fights any sense of boundary he needs to keep.
Of course the counselor agreed about Steve’s recordings of the News on the TV set for 5 days in a row-can’t be recorded unless you do it purposefully. He said, “Maybe he found a newcast doing a special on porn.” I thought that was hilarious.
Anyway, because I cannot afford to go back to living on my own, financially, the counselor told me he is going to try to get me to the point of learning to live with him, live my own life, ignore his addiction, and enjoy the good days I have with him. His ending prayer (He is a Christian counselor)
was for God to shine over Steve and help him get better. I told him God has a big challenge, because “God helps those who help themselves.” He laughed, and agreed with that.
Anyway, don’t know if any of this is possible. Don’t think I can ever ignore his addiction and divorce myself emotionally from him. Back to square 1. I feel trapped and can’t get out, and 2. I don’t think I can ever adjust to his addiction.
Either/or. I am frustrated with both.
Hopefully, the counselor can help me reach resolution with this.The most ridiculous lies my h told were to himself. “When I took (your best friend) to the hotel room, I waited for her to disrobe in the bathroom with all of my clothes on so she would be more comfortable (“See, I’m a gentleman”)”
“I can’t take it when men start talking lewd guy-talk (“See, I have high moral standards”)” As I said before, lucky me. My husband was all bite and no bark.
Then he even told me after disclosure how sickening he thought it was that these poor Asian girls had to make a living rubbing the feet and hands of spoiled American women. I told him I was pretty sure their mothers would rather have them rubbing my feet than his penis like he used to pay for. I couldn’t believe the stuff that came out of his mouth. I was able to set him straight each time, but puleeze!
nap i dont even think they feel that. the minute they start to feel anything they act out. i think they feel nothing
Jeez Lylo,
You could be married to my husband. He was always saying things that didn’t match what he did AND he was also quite solicitious of his acting out partners (hate that term)…always the gentleman…wanting everyone to like him. If I believed in sex addiction I would say mine was also a love addict. Yours too? Karen xx
PS no wife should know these thingsYoure right Katt, they act out so they don’t have to feel, hence the addiction. Just like some woman who drink alot to avoid the pain of their h sex addiction hence an addict and addict relationship. They mirror each other.
“I can’t remember”
to the point where I had been looking into having him tested for Alzheimer’s. (before dday)any time he says “part of this, part of it was, part of….part of….part of…..” he is lying, he doesn’t know I figured that out!
Is it a lie if they believe it to be the truth?
He has diminished and deflected for so long that I believe that he believe’s his own adaptation of the story. I know that it is just more of the gas lighting, but gosh I hate questioning my own reality.
Here is a good one:
He is suggesting that he is not even a sex addict and never has been. He is suggesting that I have blown this way out of proportion and that is one of the reasons he is divorcing me.So, uuuummmmmm, lets see. He went to SA counseling for 6-7 months because he just thought it would be fun? He is suggesting now that he had some problems and that SA counseling seemed to work for him. Yes, he says that he engaged in some inappropriate sexual behavior, but he is not an SA. And as long as the treatment made him the center of attention and everything could focus on his problems, SA counseling seemed to be a welcome reprieve than having to face a wife who is hurting and wondering what planet she is really living on. If the counseling could suggest that his wife has issues that she needs to address in relation to the fall out of her new reality, then, yes, he is on board with that. Let her fix her own problems.
But once the counseling was forcused on making amends and what a sincere recovery really is, all of a sudden he does not have that problem anymore. Having to wrap his mind around the fact that abstinence is not recovery does not fit into his world. He would like to stay in the mindset that he is not responsible for anyone’s happiness but his own. He thinks he got the help he needed and is offended that I would suggest otherwise. In his mind, I am the one who has major problems. I am the one who can’t seem to “get over” what happened, never mind his self centered, entitled attitude. He thinks that I should be proud of what he subjected himself to by going to SA counseling (even though he is not an SA). He thinks that I am selfish because I am focused on the betrayal and lack of compassion for that pain. He is tragically affected that I am holding him accountable for the lies and the warping of my reality.
The gas lighting that took place and continues to take place now under the cloak of “who me? No! I am not an SA. Oh, that SA counseling? No, that never , really, applied to me. I was just doing that for the “little lady”, who caught me using prostitutes. I thought I could get away with going to some SA counseling and that would get me out of the trouble I am in at home. She normally “gets over” things when I have upset her, and I thought this would help her “get over” it. Look at all I have done for her, and she still wont “get over” it. Poor me, she has some very unrealistic expectations if she thought that I was actually going to follow through with this SA counseling. Heck, I even went to a counselor that told me I was doing everything that should be expected of me. This counselor told me that she did not even know why I was sitting in her office. This counselor did not believe in SA and convinced me that I don’t really have SA or any other kind of issues. I really like going to this counselor instead of the other two who made me feel bad and made me look at my behavior.
Basically I have been full circle when I think about it. I have gone from discovering his secret life and being told he is an SA. Not believing that he is an SA, because I myself did not know much about it. To believing that he is an SA after all of my research and counseling. To him saying now that he is not an SA and I basically have lost my mind anyway. Either way, I am screwed.
Gas lighting at it’s finest.
Sorry for the long rant.
Cindy, if you want confirmation, have your lawyer supena the SA therapists’ records he went to for 6-7 months. I bet she knows he’s a sex addict. There’s your validation for your attny, you, and his denying gaslighting sorry prostitute fucking ass.
Love, NapOH so many lies to choose from. Personally I think this one is memorable.
One morning I found $1500 stuffed in the glove compartment of car, and empty condom wrapper in truck.
“oh, those weren’t mine. I forgot to deposit the money. Could you go the bank for me?”
really.
Then after disclosure. Never forget this one I asked him if he had any STD’s during our marriage.
“oh no, I have not”
HA! 2 weeks later rejection letter from Kaiser due to his “history of STD’s”.That one knocked the wind out of me. Not just the STD thing, the word “history”. Thank God I was so miserable in the marriage that we hardly ever had sex.
Pam,
Well, if the condom wasn’t his, than the money wasn’t either. You should have said “finders keepers”. Hee hee hee
Seriously though, what is Kaiser? And he got rejected because a history of STD’s? I agree with you the word History, is alarming along with the basic premis. Does that mean you had an STD too? When I was either pregnant for my first or getting physically all checked to make sure I was healthy to get pregnant, my Doctor told me that I had Claymidia (not sure of the spelling). I did not know really what that was when she told me. I was sooooo naive. Looking back, I am humilated because I remember she had kind of a somber attitude when telling me this. Now I get why. She probably even told me it was a sexually transmitted disease, and I thought that just meant because I have sex with my husband, this is something that one can get. I know, I know, I should not tell alot of people this because it makes me sound like a real dumb ass. But I REALLY did not know OK? Sorry for my lack of sexually transmitted disease knowledge!!!!! Hee hee !! Anyhow, with my new ((((well not new, It is about three years old new)))) knowledge about my SA’s activities, I wonder if it is possible that this was a major sign that I over looked at the time. The research that I have conducted can not confirm that the STD was a result of his activities. Evidently, Claymidia can lay dormant in a female for years without showing symptoms. So I guess there is no way to tell if this was something he gave to me four years after our marriage or something that I had from previous hooksups before the marriage. OMG, did I just admit to sex before my husband? Shame, shame, shame…… Ok I really sound like a prude, I really am not. Promise!!!! Well, I dont think so….
What do you think about it? Do you think he gave it to me? Do any of you know about this STD?
Just curious.
Cindy {{{{{{{{{}}}}}}}}}}
Hi There Cindy,
Kaiser is a health insurance company. We were shopping insurance policies at the time, and applied to a few. Kaiser Medical would not insure him because of his medical record of STD’s, he had been treated at a Kaiser facility.
Well, on STD’s I am no expert either, but it’s like this. I think it is pretty rare that Chlymidia laid dorment for years before a diagnosis. I think highly unlikely from activity before your marriage. If you OB/GYN caught it, it was likely a “fresh batch” or recently contracted. If you got it from your H, it’s cuz he got it from somewhere else and gave it to you. It’s good evidence of infidelity, in that a monogomous couple, who does not cheat on each other, will NEVER get a STD. That I know of. At least not Chlymidia or Gonnorreah, or other typical STD’s. I mean we can get yeast infections, vagnititis, bladder infections, stuff like that, but STD’s are from having sex, with multiple partners. At least that is how I understand it.
I know claymidia can be dorment in women, but it is a statistically small portion of cases. If your OB / GYN was somber in telling you, there was reason for it. And your H would love to have you believe it was from “prior activity” before the marriage I am sure. He’s full of it. Sorry. Just be thankful it’s treatable and not Herpes or something else awful.
AAh, life with SA. So full of sweet surprises.
Crazy things he said to me
When I caught him watching porn, he yelled at me, “Get out of here. I’m watching porn. I’m backed up because I haven’t had any sex.” My fault. Of course he wouldn’t have sex with me for months and years because he said he wanted to hurt me as much as I hurt him.
Within a week after I found him using porn he made the angry remark, “Yeah, I suppose I’ll never hear the end of this.”
“Yeah, well we better get this figured out pretty damn quick because I’m lonely.” Hmmm, HE’S lonely?
I asked him if he had shared his therapy group things that he has said and done to me. He said that he was going to tell them about what he said to me about being “fuckable” but Lynette came back into the room and he didn’t want to say that in front of a “ woman.” Such a gentleman.
He told me that “ I” had disgraced “him” for telling.
“I didn’t even know there was internet on my computer. It just popped up and said – connect to the internet” (This was at his work and he seemed to imply that since there was internet, he had no choice about watching porn.)
When I asked what assurance I have that this will never happen again, he said to me, “You can’t control what another person does, and besides I wanted to be with you.”Later, in answering that same question, he said that if it ever got to that point again, he’d leave and find a woman.
“I thought using porn would be better than having sex with a real person.”
“When I was masturbating to porn, I was thinking of you.”
“ I couldn’t get an erection unless I had the visual stimulation.”
“I had never watched a porno movie before.”
“I like to watch fuckin’.”
I have only masturbated 4 times in my life.
I told him I couldn’t live on 9 dollars an hour. He said he did. (thirty years ago) That lets me know how much he cares. Ugh!
I asked him if there was anything that he would miss if we were separated. He paused a long time and then said that he might be lonely.
He said that my breaking a cup on the counter is the same as his shooting a hole in the floor.
He said that he didn’t think that watching porn is as bad as sleeping with a real person. He doesn’t think it is adultery. He doesn’t think it is as bad as my meeting and talking with my old boyfriend.
I could go on….
Oh, this one is the funniest.
It’s more of a sin for a woman to have sex outside of marraige because she takes it into herself.
Debora,
I am reading your post and picking up my chin off the floor.
He is backed up?????? That is a good one!!!!! It really does help to learn about all of our experiences. I look at your picture and you are so beautiful. I read your posts and you are so charming. It just makes me so sad that these men put us in this situation.
Thanks for sharing!!!!!
I agree March!!! It is much more of a sin for a man. LOL!!!!
Yes Cindy, she is too beautiful and charming and kind and intelligent. The over-the-top ridiculousness of his statements suggests that she is way out of his league and he sadly knows it.
I agree. Deb is very smart and beautiful inside and out. Her h thinking sounds warped just like my h thinking does. Their thinking is really “backed up”!
I think we’re all out of their leagues and they know it, so they go out and find some skanks they feel more at home with.
Here’s a couple more.
I asked him why he would even look at those magazines. He said, “They’re preeetty.” He said it just like a twelve year old that saw his first boobs. Weird.
I asked him what he is thinking when he looks at that stuff. He answered, “Well, it isn’t love.”
Thankyou girls for your kind words. It feels like a gentle rain on a wilted flower.
Love, Debora
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