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the whole perfume thing got me thinking. what are my comfort zones. i like to fade into the background. i like to hide behind big cloths. i never really speak up. i fear i maybe wrong all the time. i fear heights. i never look in mirrors. i work myself to exhaustion. i feel responsible for everything. i have this deep need to protect. i dont like my food to touch. i would give the shirt off my back if someone needed it. i always put myself last………….. the list is longer ill post more latter
Katt,
Great forum. I think if we challenge ourself to do one thing each day. I think it’s great you ordered the perfume. I think it’s a huge step for you. Each step will give you confidence for the next. You matter and treat yourself and think of yourself as your most valuable asset. You can still be compassionate too. You’re a gem and you need to shine!My comfort zone has become my discomfort zone.
I always gave the wrong people the benefit of the doubt. Now I’m far more discriminating, and am bringing the balance back to giving people the benefit of the doubt if they are known to be trustworthy.We are all a eork in progress. And by “all”, I mean each individual of the human race. Generally, in order to grow, we need to take little steps out of our ccomfort zone and take a sip of what’s on the other side.
I’m generally at ease. But I don’t like socializing in large groups, particulalry when I only know a handful of people. They are loud and fragmented. Everybody being interrupted by someone else, etc. I don’t like driving anyones car for fear i’ll get in an accident. I’m awful at saying no when asked a favor. I feel responsible for everyone and everything around me. I’m not at all comfortable being a follower and told what to do.
Comfort zone – I was crying so hard today about this one. I know it’s a twist on this thread, but I miss my home!!! My home that I worked so hard to get for me and the children.
It was tiny, in a borderline neighborhood, but charming in a ramshackle way. And, with my fears of retribution from my first H, it added to my comfort that it is was four blocks from the new police station and the patrol cars went through at least once an hour.
It was comfortable because it was very private; surrounded on 3 sides by 6-12 ft, 50 year old, hedges with birdbaths and birdhouses woven through them, and sheltered by a massive oak in the front whose branches covered over the entire cottage from 15 feet above to almost 80 feet in height. The trunk stood between the house and one open vista to the road, it was so huge it was like a living wall.
That tree felt like a wise old sentinel to me. It had seen so much in the 200+ years of it’s life that it gave me a different perspective on my daily struggles. Six generations had lived under this tree, representing untold human joy and suffering. That tree could not be suprised by anything happening in it’s shade. It represented continuity and peace to me. It comforted me.
My son had a swing in that tree that swung the entire length of the yard. Which meant it swung much too high for my tastes, but it was his favorite way to spend after school hour while I was preparing dinner. Watching him I had the feeling that life was back to normal, somehow. That comforted me.
That was comfortable financially because I KNEW I could afford it, even in the leanest of times, without having to work so many hours I had to abandon my children just to make ends meet. I was comfortable that ONLY I was responsible so that nobody else’s irresponsiblity could make me lose it. (In the preceeding 10+ years with first H we had been evicted from 4 apartments and had the locks changed by the bank on the one house we ever lived in after he neglected to pay the mortgage for 4 months and refused to talk with them about contingency plans to save the house because they “treated him less than respectfully”.)
So, I suppose that’s my comfort level now, not having to believe in or rely on anyone but me, and maybe the timelessness and predictability of natural cycles. Being in control and not trusting anyone else to contribute at all. That’s not healthy, I know. Maybe part of my subconscious issue. Maybe I expect people (men) to let me down, so they do. I’m always shocked and hurt and surprised, but they do. And I wonder, why in God’s name did I put myself and my children on the line to let it all happen again? I pushed myself out of my comfort zone because everone around me felt the burden of single parenthood was too much. It was a BREEZE compared to this.
Katt this is a good one, it got me thinking about a download from my SA last night that I haven’t thought about all day! Good day at work, but that’s another story.
2nd weekend in February we have been invited to a 30th birthday fancy dress party. It’s a fella my SA used to work with. I have always loved a party and especially fancy dress. As finding out your partner is an SA is like being hit by a bulldozer, funnily enough when he announced the invite to me before Christmas my reaction was less that receptive. I believe it went a little something like oh great, fanfuckingtastic, I’m really am up for that! A party fully of 30 year olds and younger! I’m only 42 but I have physically aged several years in the last couple of months so being surrounded by young people is going to be great for my self esteem NOT!!! Anyway I actually have come round to the idea as I am feeling much better about things, I am a master of the detachment – well OK most of the time and I love a party so OK lets go to it.
WELL, he goes into his old place of work yesterday, which he remains connected to because of his new place of work and was having a chat to the fella about his party, who’s going etc….Last night he say Fee I have something I need to talk to you about….heart in mouth for the first time in a while…..you know Dan’s party, I reply with a yyyyyyyyeeessssssssss. Well you know how you asked me to warn you if I knew we were going to run into the woman from work (the woman being one of his acting out avenues – OK what I really want to scream here is one of the SICK WOMEN HE WAS FUCKING!!!!!) well she is going to the party, do you still want to go? OK firstly fair play he came home and told me straight away. But I have to answer I need that to fester for a while before I can answer if I still want to go. And that was the end of that. We were absolutely fine after the conversation so I am also pleased about that.
Sorry really rambling….anyway until tonight I haven’t thought about it. But now that I think about it WAY OUT OF MY COMFORT ZONE!!!!!! OK my two minds are ‘no fucking way do I want to go now!’ I’m not sure what I would do – cower in tears in the corner, scratch her eyes out or scratch his eyes out??!! Then there is fightin’ talk Feefee who wants to go hold my head so fucking high it shames them both! Particularly her! He already has enough shame.
He has been out on a work do that she was at over Christmas, he was fine so he says, what I mean is he said hello to her and that was about it.
By the way his old work, the place he is still connected to is where I work. Thankfully there are about 10,000 people on the site so I have no idea who she is. Never the less my work was out of my comfort zone until oddly enough today! This shit cannot destroy me….today I am Wonderwoman!
Anyway comfort zone do I go do I not, I think not as when I think about it my heart is in my throat, mouth, just not in my chest where is supposed to be! Any takers on this one?
Thanks for letting me ramble xxWow, I would have conflicted feelings about that, too. Partly to claim territory, this is MY place of work and I am going to hold my head high, etc. etc. and partly deny him the chance to be seen with me in that scenario as the proud husband of such a great wife when he’s not deserving. partly hide out and not be in the presence of someone who would obviously trigger my issues so bad I’d be a blubbering fool for days.
No help, I know. I also am looking forward to advice from wiser sisters.
FeeFee,
I wouldn’t go if it were me. No party is a great enough party to outweigh the anxiety that would give me. I’m a prideful person but not the “cut my nose off to spite me face” kind of pride.And I wouldn’t feel like I had anything to ptove to her. Me nor my relationship to my husband is of consequence to her. She doesn’t give a rats ass or she wouldn’t have slept with him in the first place. Hell… there’s a damn good chance she’d be amused by it.
I say make the choice with only YOUR feelings in mind. What is the healthiest choice you can make for YOU? Staying home and feeling like your cowering may be worse for you. Going and wondering about every woman may be worse. What’s the better of the two evils?
I wouldn’t go, and NEITHER would he. His attitude about not going would speak VOLUMES to me. FWIW, I don’t think there’s a right or wrong answer to this question, FeeFee.
I am definitely leaning on the no side but I like your analogy Kim cutting my pride nose off… And you are correct I have nothing to prove and yes she may well be amused and if I caught sight of that amusement I would defiantly have to scratch her eyes out and I would hate to ruin someone’s party. I think the only one I would want to prove something to would be myself probably better ways of doing that right? Liza he would definatey not go that’s not going to be an issue, he’s no intention of making it one either, thankfully. So the only pressure is from me to me.
Thanks xxxI vote you don’t go, he doesn’t go, and he plans an exquisite evening out for the two of you and buys you a new dress and jewelry to wear.
And Katt, you may have read this before, but it’s an important quote from Marianne Williamson:
Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.
i believe someone can be too broken. i think that one person can just take so much. sometimes its just the way it is.
Ok fee fee, I probably would not go however there is a part of me that would go, get all dolled up, walk into the party, head straight to her hold out my hand for her to shake and say ” hi I’m fee fee, xxxx wife, I just wanted to meet the woman who fucks other peoples husbands, and by the way, you’re ugly.”. then turn around, walk away and have a great time.
Good morning Ladies, just a quick one before I go to work… Kim I need to prove that I will not be restricted by his addiction, especially as I have chosen to stay with him. March I love the new dress idea lol! And wow what a quote. NAP do you know what if I go I am going to that, maybe not the ugly thing, not out loud anyway, but what a way to take control and all the power from the demond! Katt I am sorry you feel so broken, I send you super glue love to help fix you x perhaps you could print off the quote March has put in and read it to yourself every day I know I am going to.
Thanks for the words of support you are all wonderful xMyself, I am not big on bashing the other woman or women( or men too I guess). Always feels to me like two people make the decision to be sexual, but then one is held more accountable than the other? I don’t get that. If the women they cheat with are crazy, sick, skanks, then who the f–k did we marry? I believe in keeping blame exactly where it belongs. On the SOB that betrayed me. FeeFee…there is no right or wrong answer to this situation. You should not have to make these kinds of choices. Not being restricted by their addiction or choices is easier said than done. Karen xx
SL,
I might.
Love, NapPS I have no tolerance for bs and I’d have my h standing right next to me when I did it. life’s too short not to go to a party and why let that bit*h stop you.
Katt,
You are NEVER too broken. Your mind just needs to rest right now. When it’s done resting you’ll get stronger and stronger every day.FeeFee,
I can understand that. However, it’s my opinion that it is unrealistic. If you choose to stay and fully support him, you’re going to be restricted.
Our HBO and Cinemax were turned off.
We can’t watch any movie with racy sex scenes, lots of cleavage, nudity, or women in lingerie and bra and panties or bathing suits. And that includes A LOT of movies, particularly comedies.
We can’t go to a sports bar to watch a game because the waitresses are barely dressed.
We can’t do certain things that previously were part of our sex life.
We can’t go to the beach together anymore, which wipes out a TON of vacations we had planned. We went to the Jersey Shore this summer. I was uncomfortable. My H was uncomfortable. He decided beaches were a bad idea for him.
We can’t go to Bourbon Street anymore. We frequently did this and loved it. No sex addict should be allowed anywhere near there!
I could go on and on. Notice I said “we” in those. Because “I” can do any of those things. But I don’t want to go on a beach vacation alone. We have limited funds for a vacation and we go as a family. It’s next to impossible to find a female friend who wants to go to a sports bar.
An alcoholics spouse shouldn’t bring alcohol into the home. Particularly when it is early in the person’s recovery. Say good bye to that beer during the game. Or that glass of wine with dinner. Maybe at some point it would be ok. Just as maybe someday we can do some of the things listed above together.
I don’t have to have these restrictions in my life. I choose to. I think if I were off doing all these things without him, basically excluding him from quite a bit of my social life, that it could breed resentment (a big enemy for sober addicts) and Isolation for him. ( another big enemy of addicts)
I know you mentioned your H and him toying with SA groups. If he were working the steps, he’d have a sponsor and I feel confident that the sponsor would advise HIM not to go. You are supposed to avoid all woman/men you acted out with whenever possible.Hi Kim
Been super busy the last couple of days…… Super wise words about restriction. You are of cause correct. You comparison to an alcoholic puts it in perspective.
We have started having a dedicated weekly family meeting where we talk about things, one of which is what his triggers are. I need to learn about these things in order to know when I am unnecessary placing a restriction on me and therefore us, which I have been doing, and rightly so. I need to feel safe. He does understand that and is starting to see that he needs to help me so I can work out what is OK and what is not (if that makes sense). We discussed the party last night. As much as I would love do a NAP I am not ready. It is too soon to sleigh that beast! Which he is absolutely fine with, in fact he began with ‘I don’t want the party to be an issue’.
Thanks for you wise words….all of you xxxx
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