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What I’ve learned this year:
1. My life is not what I thought it was, and no matter how much I’ve wanted to, there’s no turning back. Whether I stay with my spouse or not, it will never be the same. And I guess I don’t want it to be the same, because it was pretend. My 20th year of marriage has been a year of mourning that fact.
2. I didn’t know it was possible to cry so many tears.
3. I am fragile, but I won’t be broken.
4. I’m realizing there are people who love me as I am. I don’t have to do somersaults to make them happy.
5. People tell me I’m sweet, classy, and a lady. I’m starting to believe them, and to like who I am, and that these traits are not liabilities.
6. It’s possible to look someone directly in the eyes and lie without blinking or giving a clue.
7. It’s possible to tell someone you love them, and yet knowlingly make them feel crazy to save yourself.
8. The world is full of beautiful, strong, surviving, women, and I found many of them starting in April 2011.
9. Needing more from a relationship isn’t selfish.
10. I have people in my life that I’d never known existed a year ago. And now I can’t imagine life without them.What I hope to learn in 2012:
1. How to be braver than I ever thought possible.
2. How to show my kids what is acceptable in a relationship.
3. How to let go.
4. How to be joyful again.I’m sure there’s more…but this is for starters.
Happy New Year, my beautiful sisters!Love, ZG
ZG,
Cheers to you, and cheers to your post. I love what you learned. I love what you want to still learn.
I second that!!!!!!!!!!
Love, Cindy
Dear Julie,
What a BEAUTIFUL, POIGNANT, HOPEFUL post. Look how much you have accomplished in one year! You amaze me with your quiet strenght. New Years 2013 can only be better for you. Love Karen xxI knew I forgot the most important lesson I’ve learned, which came from Oprah, via our beautiful Flora:
LOVE DOESN’T HURT. Now if only I can keep that front and center.
Thank you for your sweet responses. Tonight has been difficult. SA and I are not really communicating at all; quite a lonely night. But somehow it also feels ok, because, for once, I didn’t have high expectations…just reality.
I also meant to add that most, if not ALL of the lessons I’ve learned came from you all. I can’t thank you enough.
Happy, Happy New Year.
Love Julie
ZG,
Thank you for your lovely post. You are a beautiful and sweet lady. I wish I was with you tonight; we’d have fun and talk alot!
Love, Napfunny you said that when i was trying to divorce my first husband the court ordered me to see someone from the women shelter. at this time i was living with my partner. the councilor i was seeing was worried about me being with wayne. she would tell me all the time LOVE DOES NOT HURT. i kept thinking she was worried he was hitting me too. it took me along time to really understand it. i have been so lonely all day so i went out at 10pm and started to take down the christmas lights. this is the first year i have ever had that it feel good to take them down. so damn good. just came in at 1:30 am and i feel like im leaving the past behind me. what a strange feeling well thats how i feel right now.
Dear Julie,
I am lonely also. I am sure others on here are too. I just wanted to be alone…to think. Not up for fake celebrations or trying to pretend I feel merry when I feel weighted down. God Bless Karen xxblech I agree, new years is over rated! I have been in a crabby mood all day. (although my 16 yr old just got her first kiss and she still has braces!)
What I have learned this year? stuff I never thought I even wanted to know!!
Here’s to a happy 2012! So happy to have all of you in my life! I keep you all like little people I carry around with me on my shoulders, sometimes I even ask your advice in public!! 🙂
hugs
Julie, thank you for your list. It has been one year and a day since I made separation official and told my h I was filing for divorce. What have I learned? Much of what you posted.
After a year, though, I don’t cry much anymore. Still sad, but it’s manageable. Life is feeling more in control.
What do I know now?
1. I will be okay.
2. My kids can get better.
3. Life can be more stable.
4. I may never trust a man again.
5. Antidepressants do work.
6. But antidepressants DO add weight. And it doesn’t just fall off after you stop.
7. God is good. He truly has held me up through all of this.What do I hope for 2012:
–to put the divorce behind me.
–to take better care of myself.
–to take have more fun with my kids.
–to feel less angry when I see couples.Happy New Year!
Sandy
Oh Sunny,
Hard earned lessons? Happy New Years and may 2012 bring you more peace and less anger. Karen xx
Hi sunny,
I am with you on your list.ZG,
What a great idea. And it really puts it all in perspective for all of us. That love does not hurt is a hard one to remember and get what it means.Katt,
I think you probably get it now, that love does not hurt. Love is warm and joyous, it does not cause pain in your life. And this can be from anyone, not just our spouse. With all this going on, we have liberty to change our lives at any moment, and recreate it. That is the beauty side of change happening that we are not ready for, such as finding out our partners are SA’s. We can at any moment start over new.Love to all,
FloraHappy New Year Jules and all!! I love this post!! I love you too!! I hope 2012 is a better year for you however don’t be surprised if its another year of learning! This situation we’ve been dealt IS a process after all!! No matter, we will be with you every step of The way as you learn and grow!
I am so happy to be one of the people in your life! You are my Bestie and I can’t imagine my life without YOU in it! You validate my every thought and the value of that gift can NOT be measured! Thank you for all of the thoughts, time, phone calls, cards, gifts, and mostly our treasured daily (hourly??) voice memos!! 🙂
My 2012 will be better because you are in it!!Happy New Year to YOU and all my beautiful sisters!!!
SL
Thank you, Annie. It actually felt good to write that all down and see it in front of me. I’m feeling a bit scared and lost about the future, but on we go…
Patty, back at ya, girl!! I love you, my dear friend! You are truly a SILVER LINING!! XOXOXO!!
Happy New Year Everyone. I hope 2012 is a better year for all of us.
My New Year’s resolution is to not allow Steve to manipulate, use P/A behavior, feed into his BPD and essentially be in control of my life.
I am doing better in moving forward with that, but have a long way to go.Hi there,
Everyone’s posts are so encouraging. It’s great to know that we aren’t in the same spot as we were. Even if we only learned one thing, considering everything else we were dealing with, I think that one thing is something to be very proud of. Having the courage to step out and share struggles and bad moments has been a big lesson for me. It started on the other site where I was pretty desperate sometimes, and like some of the women have said here, my really bad times are fewer and whereas I used to cry 10 days out of ten, I now cry one day out of 30. How did that happen? I don’t know. Just putting one foot in front of the other. REading what you all write. Taking some risks to be open to life. Moving out of that awful grasping at nothingness that was the mirage of my marriage, to choosing to ground my own life in reality and true presence. I’ve learned that living and coping with the depression and ugliness of my SA and his mother had made my soul very very small, and increasingly joyless. Without them, I learned that I was actually optimistic, generous and happy. Not a bad lesson, just incredibly hard.love to you all,
D.“Moving out of that awful grasping at nothingness that was the mirage of my marriage” Great turn of phrase, Diane.
this post has been playing in my head since i read it. i think im really starting to understand that i do matter.
thank you ladiesThat phrase, and the one about the gates being down, the bells ringing, but the train never coming…singed into my brain.
p.s., NAP: It would have been great to hang out with you. Some day we will, and I will grab some of my SA’s expensive cigars for you. 🙂
xoxoHey ZG sounds super; I look forward to it very much. Think we can grab one for Katt too?
Love ya! xxooname the day i so need a trip. zg pick a day ill come get you, i need to visit my mom soon. shes right in nj.
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