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had a talk with my partner and he said it wouldnt bother him if i went to a male strip club and let them do to me what he did. so i brought up a club where these guys are asked him if it with him and he said its ok. well let me tell you boy oh boy could i use it. i can only guess how good it would feel right now. funny how the longer it goes the crazier i am. even a few hours i have to pay for would be better than this. i know my values dont worry but thought you would love my talk with the man who loves me. these talks really make me see how this will never work he just to far gone
Bob.. Battery operated boyfriend. I’d have as munch animosity towards male strippers as I would female ones.
same here kim but just the fact of him saying that just set me off.maybe back in the day.funny once you seen one you seen them all. i i just dont care about the whole addiction,pd thing.i get it i just am tired of thinking of it as his reason for it all. they will always be a addict and or have a pd and that thought process is in them. no matter what it going to always be there.
Katt – when my husband was in his last “binge”, one of my male friends from our church called him to check in on me a day after my breast surgery. Over dinner at our favorite place two weeks later, my husband accused me of having an affair with him. I didn’t deny or confirm it. (he was obviously projecting, which I think PDs tend to do). Anyway – I got into a fantasy about this happening, and after an hour, I even believed myself. Finally he said “OK, I’ll drop yoganana if you drop Ted”. I hemmed and hawed (because at this point my fantasy was feeling really great) – and finally said “yes”. My husband was convinced I had an affair and gave Ted the cold shoulder the next day at church and then raged at me after church (how could you???). I then stupidly told him that I never did……(but of course, he was screwing yoganana at the time).
Sometimes fantasies can help us get through this emotional abuse.
This morning my husband said that he thinks I’m lying and I’m not truly committed to our marriage…..so read that: he’s lying and not truly committed to our marriage. I didn’t even comment but just said – “let’s talk about that in marriage counseling”.
If your SAH is keen for you to go to strip clubs, then that means he’s dying to do it himself (or is).
These guys are so screwed up.
Deb
Many of these men use projection. They have over the years developed layers of defense mechanisms to do what they do. It’s really like Fort Knox times 1000. True recovery can’t even begin until the defenses are gone. Many can’t even get past getting rid of the defenses they have. This is why true recovery is rare, it can happen, however it’s slim. They really have to want to and do all the work on their own. Otherwise they are just playing patty cake with their shit. And were standing there watching them. No thanks, I have better things to do.
Katt,
Not long after d-day two, I asked my h how he would feel if he were in my shoes. He said, “I never thought about it.” Of course not. Then he said it would make him feel better because it would even the score. (In the words of SL), “Whatever, dude.”These SA’s are so f—-d up. It amazes me what comes out of the mouths sometimes.
I have asked my h how he would feel if the tables were turned- his reply was, “Not very Good.” I told him he would not have put up with any of the stuff I have had to endure. His answer- “Probably Not.” The answers just rolled off his tongue in a monotone answer. No Emotion.
Hell no they would not be able to tolerate any kind of infidelity from us-their fragile egos could not take it!!Katt,
I’ve read that it is quite common for SA’s to try to convince their spouses to participate in their behaviors. It’s the ultimate justification! My H tried. But only with behaviors that fit into his fantasies. I was “allowed” to sleep with the neighbor’s husband (I didn’t!) but I couldn’t have any male friends. Allowing me to sleep with the neighbor’s husband served a very specific purpose for HIM though. My XBF was also a SA and he desperately tried to get me to “join him.” And I seriously considered it for a moment. Then I regained my sanity.it was not that he was suggesting to me to do it. i asked how he felt about it. if i let other men do to me what hes done to other woman. boy was that a real wake up for to me. when i decided to be with him i was under the impression that he realized what i gave him,that it did mean something, a gift of myself to only him as he knew how i valued myself and it has always been taken from me. to know after he gave this question much deep thought that it would be just fine. told me so much as to how he sees me as nothing more than another body. it really hurt i would have to say that deep down hurt ,more than everything else hes done to me. that he would be ok with me just giving myself to someone else, like all of it just toss it in the gutter.
thanks ladies kattI understand. My H using sex as he doies was bad. My H disrespecting our marrage through his actions was bad. His complete lack of respect for intimacy in general hurt. His willingness to “lend me out” as a means (payment?) to gain something that met his own desires was awful.
When we were first married he would tell how just the thought of me with anyone else made him physically ill. I believed he meant it because I felt the same way. And although someone tellng you that statement may not sound like the most romantic thing in the world.. but it meant a lot to me. It was sweet in a weird sort of way.
In the beginning of our relationship he didn’t wanmt to go to bars. He said he got too angry if he’d see a guy looking at me. Fast forward to 18 months ago and he deciding he was going to try to convince me to go to this HUGE masquerade swingers ball at The House of Blues. In spite of the venue, since it’s a “private party”, attire is not held to any form of social acceptance.
So he went in search of the most inappropriate raunchy costume for me. It didn’t need to be short or lowcut… it was simply see thru in all the places it shouldn’t be.
“You want me to wear this is front of thousands of people???” Of course the answer was yes. He’d have no problem using my body to get what he wants. Instead of being sickened by the idea of me with other men or being angered by passes made at me.. it turned him on. AND it meant HE got to go ogle thousands of woman dressed in the same raunchy attire with many people willing to allow him all degrees of sexual contact both in private and in public.
Not to be “cliche” but there is the term that you must frst kearn to love yourself before you can love anyone else. You also must first learn to respect your body before you can ever respect someone else’s. These guys view self respect a small price to pay for what they view as big rewards.
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