Wishes and thoughts

I feel such guilt that I could not forgive you. And yet my actions of sorrow showed how much I cared.

I feel such guilt that your sorry was not felt. And yet your words were not backed with behavior.

I feel sorrow for your pain.

I feel like I wish that you would have shown me love the way I need to see it, wether you felt comfortable with that or not.

I wish that you could understand that my anger was heartbreak.

I wish that you could have understood that I was not punishing you with my tears.

I wish that you could have held me when I cried and cried with me for hurting me.

I wish that your love for me was stronger than your shame.

I wish that you could have told me that you would never give up on me, even though you know that I am hurting and angry right now.

I wish that you did not look to me to make this better, because I needed you to show me that it was going to be better.

I wish that you would not look at me like I am your mother and was waiting to see if the punishment was over.

I wish that you could put the shamed little boy in you aside and be the man that I needed and tell me that you were going to fight for me.

I wish that you could understand love enough to trust what love is.

I wish that you could love yourself enough to believe that your wife could love you and look beyond the hurtful repercussions of the actions and see the progression of the disease for what it is.

I wish that you would be able to let the pain of the situation in and trust that love will get us through this. Put down your wall of deflection and see the one who loves you waiting there for you.

I wish that you would love me.

I wish that you would view my doubts of your recovery as fear for more heartache and not judgement.

I wish that you could treat me tenderly with concern for my fragile soul, and not pity yourself for being caught.

I wish that you could stop feeling so entitled to your behavior and humble yourself to my entitlement of having a loving and devoted husband.

I wish that I would stop questioning myself for having needs that are natural and normal for human beings.

I wish that I would stop second guessing what is happening right in front of my very eyes.

I wish that I would stop wishing for different behavior and acknowledge the behavior that is actually happening.

I wish that I would honor me and my neglected heart.
I wish that I could stop blaming myself for not being forgiving and start seeing the gentle loving soul that I am.

I wish that I could see that what I am asking for is nothing that I would not myself give to someone that I love.

I wish my heart would stop breaking because I want you to love me in a way that you are not capable of.

I wish that I would stop hurting for you and the reasons for your emotional unavailability and start hurting for me and the pain surrounding knowing that you are not available to me.

I wish that I would realize that the love that I have for you is real, but that loving you at the expense of me is not self love.

I am waiting for you dear husband to see that I love you and hoping that you can love your self too.

In the mean time, I need to take precaution for me so that I no longer have to feel the pain of your disease. Creating a safe environment for me means having a real relationship with you. A relationship with my husband involves all of you and it involves all of me.

I no longer can deny that there is something wrong with your wandering eye. I can no longer deny that you are not emotionally available. I can no longer deny that I have been emotionally distraught by your behavior. I am looking for something from you now. This hurts, but I know that I am not asking for anything other than what a loving heart longs for. Now that I know the struggles that you have had, and some of the reasons that lead up to these problems of acting out, a door has been opened in my awareness that can now not be closed.

How is detaching from you emotionally going to make this OK? If I continue to be in this relationship without asking you to address these things, am I not continuing in the denial that lead us here in the first place?

Asking you to address these things has proven too difficult for you and now you are asking for a divorce from me. This has resulted in another layer of heartache that extends beyond the limits of what a normal human being can endure.

So I am being punished for standing up for myself and suggesting that the type of behavior that has been present in our marriage including hidden sexual acting out is something that is not OK for my soul.

My choices as I see them are these.

I can choose to carry on with our life together and put all of this behind us, because you choose to see by demands as punishment, and you believe that you have fulfilled your punishment. I also need to understand that you do not have the capacity to be emotionally available because of some kind of immature intimacy disorder that resulted in your sexually acting out. And due to your inability to be able to take responsibility for addressing these issues because of the unbearable shame that you have, I may never know what is really going on underneath those blank stares of yours. And as long as I don’t demand reciprocal emotional presence, we can continue on in this relationship because after all, I do like going out for dinner with you. As long as I continue to deny my need for emotional intimacy, we can continue this relationship.

Or my other choice is. I can ask that you continue to look at this problem and stop blaming me for having unrealistic expectations. If I choose this option however, you will file for a divorce because you do not see the need to address the issue any further. You believe that I have some kind of anger management issues, (even though this has never been apparent in our 27 years of marriage) that I need to address, and I need to stop looking to my husband for my happiness.

Seems to me that my choices are I can burn to death or freeze to death, which will it be?

All of my wishes are just that, wishes. I can wish in vain, or I can forge a new path. I will live authentically. I still love my husband. Who can explain that? I will grieve the loss of my family. I will still hold on to a thread of hope that he will come to his senses. I will also honor me. I will hold myself and continue to convince myself that I am worthy of emotional availability. I am worthy of being treated in a way that shows compassion and nurture. I will not contribute to the disrespect of myself by detaching myself emotionally. I will not follow his lead of self entitlement at the expense of another. I will not make my need for emotional attachment to be on the back burner while he judges my right for a loving 100% available spouse. If this is my definition of love and divorce is the result, than what is marriage anyway?