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Wow. My (i don’t know what to call him.. SABF?) SABF has NEVER in 10 years talked like that. Not even joking with his friends in front of me. His friends may, and he would kind of laugh along, but never did he make any stupid sex jokes, or anything disrespectful about women period. He was always SMOOTH. That was the reason for my comment.
My SABF clearly has no respect for women, maybe a deep seeded hate even, yet he makes each and every one feel like a goddess (for a day). I never knew until probably after a month of seeing him, and even then, I didn’t REALLY know, only had a feeling he might have things going on the side. He was young (only 24 then), so it didn’t seem so awful to me. We had only met, he was a kid, this is where I screwed myself from the beginning. I allowed myself to stay and enable him and myself with that excuse for years, by the time I woke up, we had 2 kids and it was too late for me.
I will sit tight and continue to learn from you all. Because honestly, my impression was that this guy was a bit of a jackass and certainly not a womanizer, but harmless.
smh…
Lisa I agree with that. However, I do not think the slip comes on the first, second, third date? ya know? Yes, you will see soon enough. But it just seems that this guy is kind of clueless about women. IDK. Such a stupid joke about the coffee. I apologize ahead of time Lynn, if you continue to date this guy and end up marrying him! LOL!
I would like to say Lynn, for me… I would be far more concerned with the man that says everything right, that appears to be prince charming (like my, what initials do you use for man i’ve been with for 10 years, have 2 children with, but am not married too?, whatever… my nightmare). I read all the posts and I get it. But if this guy were dangerous, he would know better than to say those things whether he thought them or not. Because the dangerous ones are manipulative and smart.
This guy sounds more like a jokester that likes to get a little attention for what he thinks is being funny. And he’s just a little too socially awkward to know how stupid the coffee joke is and that it is a major turnoff. Probably if you explained to him that it makes him look insensitive, and that it’s in poor taste, and really not funny, he would get it – and not use it. Honestly, he may be a little insensitive, but I bet he’s harmless. At worst, he’s probably a bit of a chauvinist and may tend to objectify women without even realizing it, MAYBE. At least you know what he REALLY thinks because he’s not trying to pretend he’s someone else. Awful that I would call a man like that harmless, but I’m sorry, after the men we have lived through or are currently living with, that’s nothing!
Many guys are insensitive to women to a degree, they just don’t get it. They don’t think like us. Good men have empathy, just not to the degree that most women do. But it doesn’t make them bad people.
Keep working on your recovery, this PTSD shit is awful. Especially when you cannot hide it when something triggers you, from others you don’t know all that well. This man doesn’t know what you’ve been through (or does he?), so that being said, all of us women know exactly how you feel, but no one, unless they are living with this disorder, could begin to relate.
I know you all don’t agree with me, but it is just my opinion. These men can’t hurt you unless you let them. We know there are a lot of bad guys out there. None of us want to be blindsided again. But you have to LIVE. Take chances. And probably make more bad decisions before you find the right one. It will all work out for you, as long as you keep in working on your recovery and get yourself healthy again.
I haven’t even begun EMDR, nor have I separated from HIM, which is awful because his face alone is a constant trigger!!! But my journey has only just begun with Dday being just in late May/early June.
Thinking of you girlie
Thanks Lisa. And Karen thank you. Yes, I had to get back to living. I had to get back to my boys. He’s already taken so much from me, I got very angry and kind of said to myself “enough”. I will not let him take anymore of my life from me. I have been reading, learning, getting a lot of therapy. I needed to take control of the situation, I no longer feel helpless. It sucks. But I won’t turn a blind eye this time.
I will post in the SA forum specifically what has happened later. I have learned some very interesting things. I want to share, but we are still going about our lives, and between sports, work, therapy, going to the gym, vacations, weekend trips with the kids, I have had very limited time.
I hope I hear from Daisy. I just looked around online and have found a lot on “cohabitation agreements”. But of course I want this one to benefit only me and the children and punish him! That might be tough. I get this and that, but he gets nothing;-) Which is what he left me with when he decided to leave us in May 2012 for 6 months.
What in the hell is wrong with all of us??? I read my posts, others, and all I can think is why aren’t we working harder on ourselves. No healthy human being would ever consider staying in this situation. Kids, financial, whatever. Not only do we stay… we allow it to consume our lives while they go on living and happy. Polygraphs? Spyware? Cell phone monitoring, GPS tracking. I haven’t done polygraphs, I don’t have any interest, he could fool them. These guys lie the way we talk about what we had for breakfast. I’m so pissed off and tired of seeing so many women destroyed by these LOSERS, these little needy boys. It’s sickening.
Sorry! This is just my mood at the moment.
Jo, I was supposed to start EMDR yesterday, we are doing it at 6 tonight now. I ended up wasting my first session on discussing HIM again. So I will let you know. My goal with EMDR is to reprogram my negative thinking about myself. I was not “healthy” when I met my SA, I knew he was a “bad boy” and I was gonna change him lol. My hope is that this will help me learn to accept and love myself just as I am. I’ve never felt good enough, pretty enough, smart enough, or been able to accept that someone could love me. Doesn’t matter how much I have achieved in my life – it’s never enough. I achieve one goal, then I look for the next. I have my work cut out for me. I know the way I see myself and feel about myself is not right. I know others don’t see what I see, yet I still can’t change the feelings. I know WHY I feel the way I do, from a very young age. I have more self awareness than I care to know. Now I need to stop being aware and start changing. I will give you a full report later tonight. I sure hope this helps. It’s my only hope of leaving this life I’ve created with this morally bankrupt ass.
I’ve been ANGRY for 10 years. I’m so sick and tired of being angry. Hate, anger, resentment, blahhhhh! They do not deserve to enjoy life and their children. It makes me sick. But I am ready for peace. If only we could stuff our feelings or simply not feel like they do. Someday, someday I’ll just go numb. I love reading and sharing with you all, but do you ever feel like you spend TOO much time here? Don’t our brains need a break from all this shit? Maybe we should all sign up for plenty of fish, cupid.com or match.com instead and fucking do whatever the fuck we want????
Oh wait…. I hate men now:-(
And yes… I love how they all say they will be better even if we don’t choose to stay. Well good for fucking you idiot! So glad you destroyed my life so you can go be the man I always wanted with someone else… fuck off. Sorry, I love the F word.
Teri, it would be interesting to talk to a NORMAL guy, period. Of course I now think all men are sick and can only think of sex. I think they are all weak people that can be controlled with sex. Real healthy, I know.
That’s what I’ve been doing – collecting evidence, he hasn’t done anything since discovery, but i went back in time and found all kinds of stuff, got pretty savvy at it actually. I have enough pics of SA and his penis that I should be good for custody. I hope. Actually i need to post in the kids section. I would like to know what i need to make sure i get full custody of my children if it comes down to that (or should i say … when).
It’s the cell phone monitoring that is lacking and what they use for EVERYTHING. so many loopholes and ways around things with all the apps that the spyware can’t get into. I actually installed a second software and just cancelled it. i have enough, i dont want anymore. i’m tired.
Get that evidence.
anniem… a chicken??? do share.
NAP, you’re the lucky one.
Teri, you should take a pic of that heart and post it. we should all take pics of the stupid shit they did and post it.
Liza… EYE get it. All about them.
Bev… I would like to know your full story (well actually I wish everyone had there FULL story in their profile). I have a feeling you have been at that point that I had reached (until my real discovery a couple months ago), where you can’t even make tears anymore. Tough, thick skinned, nobody will hurt you. That was me for the last few years, until this… but I bounce back quickly. Cry once, move on. Figure out what’s next. Fuck him.
That’s interesting jos. My next searches were doing to be “do psychopaths KNOW they are psychopaths”. Now I’m reading about the kids. I just don’t know. when I read that, he IS all that. But then there are things that contradict it a bit. Mainly our boys. He is WONDERFUL, I’m not exaggerating, with them. They get his time, play, love and full attention. He is ALWAYS kind. Brian is not condicending or critical of people (the loathing or ppl are beneath him part). In fact, he is very pleasant to be around. He just doesn’t seem to feel things. BUT, the way he has treated me and so many other women is exactly like that.
They even say with the kids, they may be interested now because they are a reflection of themselves and make them look good. but that they dont care for them or take care of them. He does, he worries more than me when out in public (letting them use bathroom alone, etc). I say he’s almost 9, he’ll be fine. I don’t know. I just don’t know what to think.
SOT, 3 months has always been about how long he has been able to stand it and be good. 3 months. smh
jos1972 , there’s a playbook out there for SA’s. lmao. plus, now reading it, sounds so stupid. i’m laughing. then, i was touched. i suppose thats why he wouldn’t bother with a letter this time. He knows its run its course. Nothing else he can say.
Sounds awfully familiar, eh? Yeah, blown away by my compassion, what he wanted to say was.. blown away by my stupidy. what a loser.
IN MY DEFENSE… when he and I met, he was only 24 – me 30. (we are now 34 and 40, time flies when your having this much fun!) I always believed he was just young, immature, late bloomer, whatever. That he would get his shit together for the kids at least. I gave him SO MANY EXCUSES. I feed them right into his mouth.
HAHA here’s another one from … wow, BEFORE our second child was born, so let’s say 2005. Sound familiar????
Where do I begin… There is so much that I want to say, but I can’t quite find the words. I can’t imagine the amount of hurt that I have caused you. I hate myself because of that. But, even after everything that I have done, you are still open to the idea of us having a life together. You have shown me so much love and understanding over the past few months that I do not deserve. You are a much better person than I am and I am lucky to have you in my life. You are such a wonderful mother to our son and I love you so much for that. I want so much for us to have a happy family. It will be so much fun to watch Jackson grow up.
But, I also want to watch us grow as a couple. I know that we’ve had our ups and downs (not a whole lot of in betweens), but I am POSITIVE that you are the one that I want to spend the rest of my life with. I know that we have a long road ahead of us, but I am going to do my best to get us there. I’ve been thinking about my life, our life and our family a lot lately. I am so ashamed of myself and my actions, and I am so proud of you and blown away by your compassion.
I don’t deserve you, but I am going to do everything that I can to keep you as my better half. I hope that we can spend more time together this year. I know in my heart that we can make it.
I love you, B
SOT thank you:-) But he has made it impossible for me to see that too. I hope this will change with this new treatment I start tomorrow. Pretty pathetic. I have my own set of personality disorders going on here!!! I will survive!!!
This has been a difficult thing for me… not caring. Not being bothered by his ability to go on unaffected. It’s not fair (yes, i sound like a 2 year old, i know). But I do have to lose these feelings of wanting him to pay, and revenge, so hard to just go numb. I’m working on it though;-)
Yes, but then there is what they show everyone else. And its so beautiful. Incredible how they do this. Makes me crazy! Watching the way everyone adores him. If they only knew…
Welcome jomard! I am new here too. You’ll get comfortable very quickly. But hold on, this is going to be a big wake up call for you. Read, read and read some more. Notice the similarities. And work on helping yourself. You’ll be okay, you are not alone anymore.
KellyLMAO! Yes – the dog. The other explanation to this was that we have friends and their kids over a lot for parties. Big groups. That one of the little girls took it off and left. The oldest is in 4th grade! WTF.
The worse part… by the next day, he had me questioning myself – maybe he didn’t do anything? I mean who could lie like that? That was 2 years ago. The next day, I received an email from a woman in florida who had met him online and she had fallen in love with him. He had been down there to visit her for a weekend (to me, the kids, familes, he was chosen to train a sales team in florida cause he’s so good at what he does) OMG. That was a double whammy weekend. Good times. Great memories.
I’m too smart for this shit. I hate him.
they know how to get those occasional things in that they think might touch us, or make us second guess writing them off, these little things that we used to allow ourselves to feel hope as a result of. They are smart. They know exactly what they are doing and so do we. They do need us. We are the hostages they keep. We are their front to appear normal to the rest of the world. We just have to stay one step ahead and be smarter than them.
Our advantage. We read and study our subject, they know NOTHING about us. One day, they will be very surprised to find out that they were the ones who got duped.