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wow, yeah, that’s what i’ve been feeling. pretty much knowing that this is not ever going to work out, but feeling like i have to try for the sake of the baby. and i guess so that i can say that i did, when the reality is i know i’ll never get over it enough to be in love with this man again. he has destroyed everything we ever had and could have had, yet here i stay. i feel like such a dumbass. i really just feel like i’m biding my time, you know?
lmfao, diane and lexie and NAP. i got my own little silver bullet. much better lover than any of these other losers. good advice. i think i was just trying to figure out how to ‘level the playing field’ thinking that if i did what he did, i would have no right to be mad at him anymore, AND i would have the satisfaction of doing to him what he did to me. however, sadly, i am sure that you are all correct in that it would not bother him at all and in fact would probably compel him to keep up with his lying, cheating, asshole activities. yeah, well. i’ve named her tenille. think i will stick to that for awhile. lol.
bless you for going through all of this. i am no expert at dealing with these ‘men’ but from what i know so far, all i can do is give you a pat on the back for getting rid of him. i know all of this mess just adds to the trauma, but i know, and you know, as i think all the women on here know, that YOU WILL BE MUCH BETTER OFF WITHOUT HIM, or any of his money or any of the other crap that comes with him. keep your chin up and your mind clear. it will be over soon!
lol, yeah i guess i am not really looking to affect him. if i haven’t been able to before, what could possibly be different now? to be honest, i am just looking for some NSA affection. i am not getting it from my husband, and can’t imagine that i ever will again. i get what you all are saying, though.
you’re right, that’s not smart. and after careful consideration, will go with someone i know. sadly, i know several men who will gladly have sex with a married woman. (laughs evilly again.)
lo, I will have to edit my post when I’m on something other thn my iPhone. Laughing my as off that I called myself a smartass butch. Oh that is a good laugh right now.
I agree with you, NAP. For about 2 days I was trying to act like everything is fine. But it’s not and he’s just gonna have to deal with it.Right, I’m with the ‘they don’t think ‘ part. His first excuse was that he was just being stupid. Yes NAP, I’m the one with the queer-in-denial husband. He’s still denying it and I’m still telling him straight men don’t want to have their dick sucked by guys. He claims it’s his default because he did it for so many years. Claims he has been so miserable with himself and out of touch with reality that he went back to his default in an effort to relate to SOMEthing, anything. I kind of get that actually, as stupid as it seems. Neither of us has been ‘straight’ for very long and he, even less than I, has absolutely no idea what a real relationship looks like, much less how to act in one. Sure it’s addictive behavior, whether he admits it or not. Yes , and I guess the cuddling was an attempt at some normalcy, but also to see how he reacts to it. As in, is he interested or not, because if he isn’t, well you know where I’m going with that, right? It’s all just such a struggle right now. Thing are not the LEAST bit normal, and I’m struggling not to be a smartass bitch every time he tells me loves me. I honestly do not have very high expectations of him, just kinda waiting around for him to fuck up so I can be done with him for good. i’m pretty sure he will fuck up. as i keep reminding him, nothing has changed–he’s still as miserable as he was when all this happened in the first place.
i love that image, zumbagirl. that just made me really happy. not at your pain, but i sure wish i could have run off into the woods rather than talk to him at all
wow. almost a repeat performance of our chats. twilight zone, indeed. that is EXACTLY the description i have been looking for.
What I wish is that I could just stop reacting still. I’m still very volatile and reactive and we fought all day on chat which ultimately was of course MY fault. I wish I could just stop caring. I know it doesn’t matter anymore. I wish I could get my heart and head to agree.
and you ARE going to find that person that you really are down in there, lexie. we all are. thank God we have each other in the interim…i see a lot of that, us wives saying ‘in the interim’ and it’s the most fucking ridiculous saying there is right now. ‘in the interim’ we are all trying to keep our shit together, and not lose our minds, and not kill our sa’s so that WE don’t look like the fucked up ones. in the interim, we are all just maintaining cabin pressure and trying not to crash. thank God for the interim. i think.
luckily, no, he doesn’t have a cell phone, that i know of, though i wouldn’t be surprised. and i haven’t read any emails yet, except for a few that one of his hookups sent me. i will probably place some ads, just to be a fucking riot for myself, i guess. i don’t think he has the balls to do anything right now. but give him a few more weeks of not getting any and then we’ll see…lmfao….
no, no, wasn’t being ‘like that’. i’m just saying. i know what you’re telling me. i guess part of me is still trying to deny it and think he is gonna do the right thing. but really, i have no faith that he will–he hasn’t yet! and honestly, i can’t worry about it. installing the keylogger tomorrow. can’t wait to see what the next few months bring.
it’s easy, NAP. I just keep myself in constant reminder of the details of what he did. he is back home now, sleeping in the fold-out in the baby’s room, while she sleeps in our big comfy bed with me. he is trying his DAMNEDEST–like he has never tried before–to be sweet, affectionate, concerned, warm, loving and i, quite frankly couldn’t give two shits.
so he told me that it has happened six times. i’m not sure i believe that it’s the whole truth, but at least he stopped lying so completely. i am certain there is more that i will never know, and quite honestly i’m not sure if i really need to know anymore. six times is more than bad enough.
is it a little sick to add that now that i have resolved the issue of our marriage being over in my own mind that i may be really giving him the illusion of safety only so i can catch him fucking up again? lol. i really am laughing out loud at the thought of what his dumb ass will do next. secretly i am torturing him. i am getting revenge for us all!!!
just KNOW that I KNOW that first and foremost he is still the asshole that stuck his dick in some unknown faggot’s mouth on his lunch break while he told me he was going to get a salad. please know that i will NEVER, EVER forget this. i have dealt with many a bullshit hand in my life and this fucktard will not be the one that gets the best of me. i promise you ladies that.
Like I said, I will keep y’all posted. I know this isn’t going to be the end of all this bs, nor am I insane enough to think things will EVER return to normal. My primary concern is that for myself an thusly my child. I have no intention of going easy on him. I do know that Only in returning to God will he be saved from his own madness and I can not expect him to do that if he can’t see an example of it firsthand. This doesn’t change things between us. I have accepted that our marriage is over but I do love him enough to try to be a friend to him through all of this, but first and foremost i am addressing my own pain that HE has caused.
don’t worry ladies, i am not deluded in any way about what is going on. i don’t guess i mean ‘making his recovery as easy possible.’ maybe i mean, ‘making it as likely as possible that he will recover’. do not be mistaken: i am not doing this under the pretense of hopefully saving our marriage. i am doing this because i love the man that he really is and i want him to be okay. i want him to recover for his sake, not mine. just as the contract says ‘our marriage ended on october 28, 2011’, this agreement in no way signifies an attempt to reconcile that.
yeah, he’s used that last one a lot! i’m like ‘you don’t fucking remember the day you ruined our marriage?!!! it was that fucking insignificant to you, yet you ruined our marriage over it. fucking geez…..
thanks y’all, mostly for the support and love. i feel hugged and understood. i’m so glad y’all are here.
him going off in to treatment really isn’t an option. that would mean me supporting me and my child entirely with the additional cost of childcare. furthermore, he can’t afford treatment. he has looked into it and it’s $35,000. i don’t know if insurance will cover it. we haven’t checked into it that far. but this issue is really less about his SA than it is about his sexuality i think. and i really do not believe that someone who is truly homosexual will ever stop having the urge to be with men. i really don’t believe there is a ‘cure’ for homosexuality. there is denying your urges, but it’s not the same. i am installing a keylogger on his work computer so i will be able to keep tabs on his recovery. he doesn’t have a computer anywhere else, so that is the best i can do right now, other than have someone follow his every move. that is another reason for having come home, is that i know where he is and that he is not out looking for someone’s ass to fuck. geez. how fucking unreal that i am even having to say that.