Who Among us is Staying?

Were all unique, just like everybody else.

Ms. Lindy, I for one can totally relate to where you are. I’m staying in this marriage by choice. I’ve seen this man grow up in front of my very eyes. I’ve watched him cry over the pain he has caused me. I’ve seen him be overwhelmingly grateful to me for being the strong person that I am to undertake this huge challenge. I’ve seen him dropped to his knees by co-workers, and people who he thought were his friends for years, until word got out. I’ve seen him live in a town where he’s lived all his life, knows everyone, had respect of everyone, only to be talked about now and rumors spread about him that are so unbelievably untrue yet it doesn’t matter because the destruction is done. His entire world fell apart, his mother died, he almost lost the only person he truly ever loved, and yet he fought hard to recover and survive. He did everything I asked of him and he continues to do so. At a time when we should be celebrating his recovery and building our new lives together we are faced with having to move away from this god forsaken town. Which, in a way, is probably the best thing to happen to us. Get him out of his old playground, to a place where it’s just him and I and we can start a new life together.

Even with his impressive progress, I still struggle. Not with my decision to stay, but with the “what if’s”. He might relapse/slip and what then? Well, I’ll deal with that when/if the time comes. Nobody can predict the future and I refuse to live in fear of it. I’m a big girl and if things turn for the worse, I will survive one way or another.

There’s days when I wonder when he’s away from home if he’s where he said he was going to be. There’s been times where I’ve left him a nasty text message because he should have been home over an hour ago, but every time there was a good reason and proof to back it up.

I don’t cry much anymore. In fact the last time I cried was when he told my son his story and it opened up some old wounds. But I was impressed with his ability to talk about it, to admit to it, and to take responsibility for it. I can see the sincerity in his eyes and I can see that he’s still very scared. He’s scared that if he screws up again that he might lose me, and he should be.

Now, we are both scared about what our future may hold wherever that may be. But we will grow stronger together and learn to hold onto each other as we face the storms of life and what it holds for us in the future.

So Lindy, I’m here for you and can totally relate and I’m glad that you are here for me too.

For those of you who have decided to leave; I totally respect that decision and support you 100%. Given some of your situations, I can see that there is absolutely no other way to go on in the marriage without losing yourself completely. I admire you for your strength and courage and I will be here for you as well.

What this site represents is women who are reaching out for help with a situation that is so incredibly personal that it can’t be discussed with just anyone. That’s what makes each of us so special. We have that one common bond.

And Ms. Lindy, what a can of worms you’ve opened with this post, huh?!!! 🙂 I think it’s great!

Much love, Claire

Hi Karen,

This is new, the moving thing. We are just looking right now but will likely leave within a year or two.

It’s not just the small town gossip, it’s also that we are trying to start up a small business and if you know anything about California, well it’s not condusive to small businesses. They tax the fucking shit out of everything and there’s not near enough tax benefits to counter act it. So any profits we will make are slim and we need to make alot more than that.

I’ve been quiet on the site as far as these changes occurring in our lives. Not sure why. I guess in a way it didn’t seem as important as some of the difficulties the rest of you are facing. But, indeed it is and thanks for asking.

Much love, Claire

Awwww…. That’s one way to find a silver lining!!!
Love to you, Katt! And Happy New Year!!! XO!!!

Some of you choose to stay. Some of us have chosen to end the marriage. It’s a very personal decision, and no one should judge, because each of us has different needs/situations. I do think that the decision to stay should not be based on whether the SA’s recovery is legitimate, or on whether they are going to ultimately change. I think that opens the door to rationalizations and repackaging to make one’s self feel better about staying, and it may not be based on truth. If you stay, I think you need to stay knowing that down the road old behaviors may surface. It is a roller coaster. How many times have each of us said, here or to ourselves over the years, that it’s better now, he’s getting better, it will all be different now, only to be bitterly disappointed. If you stay, do so with acceptance of what is, and what may be. Do so knowing you are choosing to keep some of the good in your life instead of giving that up to leave the SA behind. Joann chose to keep a nicer life and Florida. Others have stayed because they didn’t want to give up homes, full access to their children, maybe the friendship with their spouse that still survives. Everyone has reasons. However, I do caution you not to stay because NOW he’s serious. NOW he’s recovering. I say that because I have lived it, and felt the awful despair when things fell apart again. I could not accept porn and lying and all of it in my life anymore. But some of you are able to detach much better than I was. If you can do it and are able to hold onto the good in your life, why not? It’s your life. Just be careful. Don’t set yourself up, believing that he’s serious this time. Expect the behavior to continue, at least in some form, but find a way to separate from it, or you will continue to be churned about. Sorry to sound judgmental. I’m really not. I’ve actually been living with this, watching it get worse and worse for over ten years, maybe more like 17. In the end, he said he was working on recovery, yet he was accessing porn almost the whole time he was hitting recovery activities hard. Reading books, going to multiple meetings each week, seeing s therapist, taking meds . . . while still engaging in old ways. . . . So be careful. If you stay, protect your heart and hopes.

Amen.

Great post, Sunny. And Heidi, I love what you added. It also reminded me of how much I have grown in the past year, even though there is much growing and learning still to do. In any event, I am grateful for that.
Love, Julie

Sunny,

Your post was not in the least bit judgmental, IMO. It is making an observation and unfortunately, its an observation that many of us have experienced, with alarming frequency.

I think the difference between observation and judgment is that an observation is more of a scientific, detached, unemotional attachment to something someone observes, whereas a judgment tends to be tinged with high emotion.

Of course, the subject at hand is inherently LOADED with the deepest, most painful of emotions, to begin with. So, even an observation feels judgmental, when it is not in any way meant to be that way.

I believe that everything I’ve ever told anyone on here, I’ve also been “guilty” of, myself. I’ve obsessed, planned, plotted, stalked, monitored… did I say obsess? lol (not really funny, though). I’ve lied to myself. Tried to convince myself that things were better than they really were. And hung onto any positive sign and ignored all of the glaring negative signs.

Again, I’m not saying that this is the case with anyone on here. But, its probably human nature when we really want something to work out a certain way.

We obsess when we don’t like the outcome and are desperately trying to change it.

We cannot control the actions of others. We can make up all of the boundaries, we like and we can give consequences too, but if we don’t follow through, then what is the point? We call them slips, and don’t do as we stated, so its meaningless. I think its a slippery slope.

You said it so well, though, Sunny. But, really it is my philosophy as well. We can’t expect or even try to get our husbands to change. One issue that’s also in play is that I know that some sex addicts really DO want to change, and they still cannot. They can’t SUSTAIN IT.

So, I think that its healthier for the partner to be okay whether her husband acts out or not. Easier said than done. That is why I cannot stay. I cannot stay with someone who COULD possibly do that to me. But, that is just me. I think the point is, if a wife stays, for her own sanity, she has to be okay with her husband still acting out, in some way– simply because in all likelihood, no matter what they try to make us think… or even what we desperately WANT to think…

they probably are.

wow! well, my h left his porn laying around and my son found it 10 years ago when he was 11 and now, he’s addicted too.

That’s apalling that your son can’t know. If your h had cancer, would that be kept a secret too? What’s the difference?

This disease THRIVES IN SECRECY AND SHAME. It is only through openness and acceptance of ourselves, that there’s any possibility in healing.

There are healthy ways to tell your son. Our sons were told right away and our younger son was told by his social worker at his therapeutic boarding school. I don’t know how old your kids are, but in a therapeutic setting with both parents available and a therapist present, I think that it could be very healing for all and will also give your children better clarity on why you needed to do what you needed to do.

just my thoughts… but I know that i’m probably just banging my head against the wall…

(((hugs)))

PPS: You can tell them that the reason you left their father is that he had some inappropriate behavior on the computer or internet (if he did) and let HIM tell them what it was.

That mediator is FOS.

I had to reread what I said, and I didn’t say that we shouldn’t have boundaries; of course we do, but the boundaries were there from day one, right? My husband knew good and well what my boundaries were from the get go and yet, he just couldn’t help himself, now could he? He knew good and well what he was doing; he’s a very, very smart man. 🙁

very smart and very sick.

JoAnn, I believe that a lot of this is about control. I loved Karen’s post earlier. In fact, I sent it to my h. This is about control and abuse of power. She said it perfectly.

But furthermore, I believe that we cannot change people or even expect them to change, just because we don’t like what they are doing. We either accept them as they are, or we move on. (unless they are standing on a window ledge, something like that) If a grown man doesn’t understand the difference between right and wrong, then I have no patience and am not going to be the one to be his mommy and try to figure it all out for him and give him a list of what I need to feel “safe.”

its impossible anyway. That is up to him to figure out and if he can’t, he can’t. that’s life.

I tried very, very hard in my marriage. I tried so hard to have my husband let me “in.” but, he refused. I gave him so many, many chances to come clean with me, but again, he refused.

I have lost all respect and trust for my husband. and I absolutely cannot and will not ever give him the power to hurt me as he has, ever again.

That is my boundary.

For a woman who is staying with a sex addict, I still feel the same principal holds true. Its an old axiom that we cannot change others to be whatever it is that WE need them to be. If we can work with what IS, then fine, and then if NOT, then we must find another way for ourselves.

Some women stay married to sex addicts, like the composer’s wife. She’s happy as a lark. She has 800 friends of fakebook. Goes to the spa, Europe, trips with her kids, her sisters, her tennis instructor. Who the hell knows? But she has her lexapro and she’s making it work. But I can assure you that she’s not asking him to change.

She’s not because she knows that he won’t and he can’t. He doesn’t see the need to change because he’s a narcissist and he’s “perfect” and everyone around him who disagrees is fucked up.

so be it.

I think such broad generlizations are not only untrue, they are also unfair.

And, all addicts hurt those around them.

Yes, I do understand what you are saying Katt, and yes, this hurts us to our core and yes, they can hide their using from us completely.

But I do not believe that Sex Addicts are addicted to abusing us any more than any addict is.