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JoAnn,
I have gone back and forth on whether to stay or go. No need to go into why. I truly do love this site. It has been such a great place where I have “met” so many wonderful and fantastic, strong, brave, women who give me inspiration – you especially. This site is like no other site I’ve seen – we are given free reign to express ourselves, to vent, to rage, to love, to laugh and to cry and we are all accepted and loved for it. You give us that safe haven.
I believe in my heart of hearts that this is already a safe site. It’s why I began using my real name on some of my more intimate posts, things involving my son, or more personal problems with my husband etc. Because I knew that I could trust the women on here. We are here because we share a common bond – not just that we ended up with a sex addict in our lives, but because we have already been betrayed. I trust the women on this site implicitly. I can’t imagine being betrayed by someone who has been betrayed on the level that we have already been so deeply betrayed. I trust some of them enough to have given them my personal email address – unfortunately, Ella was one of them. As this mess unfolded, she didn’t even know who I was and that hurt – I was an email address, plain and simple – ouch.
***warning beating a dead horse 😉
My disappointment on here came when the solicitation began. If it had been to my personal email, which I gave Ella of my own free will because she was threatening to leave, I would respect that. But, it wasn’t. It was here through PM – the one I forwarded to you and I still have it if you need it. I got the impression that you and I were on the same page but she still remained an active member and still mentioned her business and then added the link to Jeff’s page. I admit, I was surprised she was allowed to do that. I thought she was a great sister, she had a lot of insightful things to say, she brought up a lot of great topics I just felt she crossed the line by bringing her business into the mix.Is there a way to add something into the agreement, if you create one, that states that members cannot bring their business onto this site, cannot solicit members, even through PM?
Thanks,
SSJan,
My heart is breaking for you! I cannot tell you how happy I am that you found us! You truly are a strong woman. Keep on sharing, I know for me, the more I share, the better I feel…it’s an emotional release. Like steam being released from a pressure cooker. If that makes sense?
If you want to find some of our stories, click on groups at the top of the page and go to “stories”, I posted mine in there.
Much love and many hugs,
SS{{{Heidi}}}
I’m so angry at how you’re being treated right now, I’ll try not to curse to much 😉
Right, porn is no big deal…UGH!!
Seriously though, I think you are handling this very well. I think you have sat back and really put some thought into it and your plan sounds like a good one. Is there anyway to divorce him yet hang onto the health insurance too – my neighbor put that in her decree because his insurance rocked (military). I think wearing the ring gives him hope and you’ve given him plenty of that already…just a thought – but it’s a visual that will be missing that he can see (or not see) each and every day.
As far as the whole “forget the past”..D did that during his first false disclosure. Hello bullshit! I told him that there was no way I could forget the past, that I had to be able to work through it…and that was when I thought there was one online affair with some porn thrown in for good measure. Geez, I wish!
Actions speak louder than words, and when chose to leave to go watch the game, or whatever he was doing, he chose himself over time with your daughter. So, it seems like he has a lot of work ahead of him if he’s sincere about recovery.
I think you’re right in getting a second opinion, getting all your little ducks in a row and protecting yourself and your kids.
But, most of all – a big congrats on your grand baby!!!!
Yeah, I know right, Karen! A sponsor already LOL, there was no way in COSA that I could have found a sponsor. I was there for two months immediately following DDay. I was being shoved into a co-dep box and it didn’t feel right. Plus, the group itself wasn’t right for me. They seemed to go in circles about their SA’s and it was full of such negatively. I could never have made progress there. I was in such a raw place too – very right Julie!
I’ll be sure to share 🙂
I actually had to stop and think…guess that’s the trauma aspect kicking in…
I think, the first people I told were on a different web site, the one who led me to the whole sex addict world, because before them and their wise words, I had no clue. My first live person was our marriage counselor but only because my DDay week was done in part in his office. Then I told a woman at a COSA meeting, she was the only one there because it was the holidays, so it worked out well for me. I totally unloaded on her 🙂 After that I didn’t tell anyone except online until I told my brother during a melt down and that backfired on me completely.
Then, a few months ago, I told my counselor a brief synopsis. Of course, I came here and told my story but again, I didn’t really reach down inside until I journaled it all out. That was where I felt a lot of sadness and anger was released.
My favorite sharing (yes, I am drifting off topic, sorry) was with my best friend in all the land. Tami. I love her. I have never had a more loyal friend. She was with me when my first husband died and has never left my side. When I finally told her last month, she supported me again and said no matter what I did, she’d stand by my side. I’ve never felt more loved by her or her husband before. It was awesome!
That gave me the courage to share my story with someone in my life, someone a bit more than an acquaintance, who is going through something very similar. She was so surprised, but so inspired by me, that it gave her strength and also gave her the knowledge to keep her eyes open to the reality that her husband might be a sex addict.
Then it was S-Anon and next I guess will be the kids, well, the boys at least.
Hugs,
SSWell, I did it…I took my first step, sort of speak, I got myself a sponsor. I admit, I laid out some concerns and some semi-ground rules and she was very laid back about them and said this was all mine to do, she was simply there to guide me through, reach out to and help me stay on track…I feel pretty good about it, although nervous. I feel like I almost have someone keeping tabs on me, in a way LOL
Hugs,
SSI’m still here because of posts like the one you wrote Diane.
Plus, where else am I going to find a group of women who understand I can’t walk into a mall or movie theatre without risk of panic attack from PTSD?
Hugs,
SS
Hi Jan,
I’m so sorry you share the need to be here, but I am so glad you found us!! I agree with what Diane said – and I’m glad to see you did too.
Please let us know how it goes.
Many hugs,
SS
Thank you for the kind words, ladies 🙂
Diane-I still have to remind myself not to get wrapped up in him but I’m finding that with time and the ability to overcome triggers (still working on those blasted two that are left); I am able to focus more on myself now.
Julie-I was doing RN but I was doing Candeo at the same so I stopped because it was to much at once. RN is a really, really good program though!! It made me really stop and think things through.
Katt-It was so good to meet you too! Thank you, I relayed your compliment to my daughter and her self esteem boosted 🙂
Karen-Oh, trust me, I do run down my husband – a lot – it helps short term so then I can work on my long term. Just kidding!! 😉
bt-I’ll have to check out that DVD – I never even heard of it!
Hugs,
SSDearest NAP and Marie,
I too, have wanted to leave this site and changed my mind only to change it again and one day soon I probably will leave. So, I understand on some level the need/want of leaving and won’t pressure you to stay if your hearts aren’t in it.
I just want you both to know, you are truly wonderful, inspirational women and I’ll miss you each.
Love,
SSThis is the third time I’ve come back to this post because I have something else to add but then I think to myself, drop it…move past Ella/Jeff bullshit but I still feel the need to share so, for now, I’m leaving it alone. But, I make no promises.
Lexie-I can feel the hurt and anger that you felt towards Jeff and your own husband in that email. I’m sorry that it all got drudged up on here. I’m right there with you, as you know, in thinking that Ella was here for something other than support. Big hugs to you!
SS
Kathy,
What a beautiful, beautiful post. As cheeky as it sounds – thanks for sharing you.
Hugs and love,
SSI wish that I had had more time with all of you! I had so much more to say – big surprise there, huh? You guys think I ramble when I type, try putting me on Skype 😉
What I really wanted to get to in my story was how far I, as a person, have come since DDay Hell Week. Oh well, another time, or another post.
You were all so very supportive! I could see your faces as I told my tale with my nasal tone and saw the understanding. I knew that even though I have chosen to stay with D – I was still being supported and knew that if there came a time when I decided to leave, you’d be there to pick up the pieces, just as I know any of the other Sisters would do. It was a fulfilling experience despite how short it was. Okay, an hour isn’t short, but, whatever.
LOL – yeah, sorry about the talespin ride while I searched for privacy. It occurred to me after we disconnected, I could have gone into my son’s room on the other side of the house – duh.
East coast next time, right?
Love,
SSWow, I deal with drama at home, I didn’t think I’d have to read it here too. That just sucks. As I read, I’m getting a sense of divide here and that is not what we are here for at all. It supposed to be about supporting each other.
Honestly, I have to say, Heidi summed it up quite well in my humble opinion because I was directly approached by Ella myself and offered a “deal” for an intensive through a PM. I resolved it on my own with a summary of my situation with my husband and that I didn’t feel an intensive was right for me. Ella emailed me at my personal account and then on here when all this mess began. Really? Do I need that kind of drama brought into my life when I already have health concerns, SA concerns, job concerns and I’m being stalked too? No. There comes a time when the pot should not be stirred and others should not be brought in.
I hate that all of this has happened and would love for it to be resolved but the only way that can happen right now, for me, Ella, if you decide to stay on, we all move forward, I think it would be a good a good idea to remove Jeff from the equation and not refer any other Sisters to your business. I know that you have good intentions but our emotions are high here and we come here for peace, not all this.
Again, my personal opinion.
SS
Due to my Migraines I have to be careful about what perfumes I wear because they make me trigger. But, I found one from Bath and Body Works called Twilight Woods that I can wear sometimes and I love it!
Oh, and I just found something to cover up the fact that we have three dogs…(kind of)…the scent Harvest from Yankee candle. It’s perfect for this time of year, although it makes me kind of hungry for pumpkin pie 🙂
SS
Sunny,
I’m so glad you have a good lawyer! I have no experience with these things, I got lucky with my daughter – I wasn’t married to her daddy and I just took him to court for the basics.
I’m also glad he remains ignorant to the fact that he can keep them overnight right now.
Good luck!
SSHi Ellen,
Welcome to SOS! I’m so sorry you share the need to be here but I am so glad you found us. You’ll find loads of wonderful women here that understand what you are going through.
I look forward to getting to know you 🙂
Hugs,
SSYou beat me to it SL!!! I was just getting on here to say the same thing about all of you (minus the accent) although I did most of the tawking 😉
Wish we could have chatted longer so I could have heard from each of you!! Let me know if you’re getting together tomorrow…..I know you’ll be busy getting ready to leave but just in case, I’ll be around.
Yeah, she is pretty cute, thank you! You guys are awesome and beautiful too!!
Love,
SSHi ladies, I’m sure you’re still sleeping in 🙂 Just wondering what time you’ll be skying later…I have to do some food shopping and then will be painting my shutters enjoying the sun and cooler weather but don’t want to miss my chance to meet you all!!
Love,
LauraThank you so much!! Well, the leave request got bumped up to his Chain of Command…..it’s almost guaranteed now that I won’t have to make the call! W00t!! 🙂
You guys have powerful prayers and vibes!!
Love,
LauraElla,
I’m not sure if you’re still a member here or not, but I am one of the handful on here that am hopeful that my husband will be one of those rare few that will make it through to sobriety. I find that I too have to defend him and myself quite a bit on and have backed off on posting because of it. I understand why everyone posts the responses that they do, but it can get tiring defending myself and/or my husband with each of my posts. So, I get that part. Each of us has been ripped apart and hurt immensely.
However, if it wasn’t for this site, I wouldn’t have had my eyes opened to something so blatantly obvious last weekend, my husband had a relapse, not a slip. It took someone from this site to open my eyes and tell me the harsh truth of it, and I will say she did it quite kindly even though it sucked to hear =)
I don’t know if you’ll decide to leave or stay – but maybe helping us heal, answering questions, just like you would if we were in your office and looking at us in that aspect would help?
I don’t think anyone here looks at you as an enemy.
SS