[hurtheart]

I understand exactly how you feel. I still have to live with my “thing” and it’s like living with a person who raped you. Constant flashbacks, etc. I never get a moment to myself because I need to take care of my 3 year old. It’s been 2 years since d-day, and I finally was able to find the time to go to a therapist. I’ve been seeing her for about 3 weeks and was officially dx’s with PTSD, depression and panic {I’ve had panic for more than 10 years, so that wasn’t a surprise}. I took a series of tests that gave us this information. So I am now slowly working on it, although I’m only in the infant stages. I do find that quiet time to myself sometimes doesn’t help, because once I have a chance to think about things, it all comes flooding back like a tsunami. But Im sure that will change {at least I hope}

[hurtheart]

I agree with you, although I’ve been way too angry for too long. I just need to learn how to manage it without letting it leak into other areas of my life. I feel Billy Joel should change the name of his song to “Angry young woman”…

[hurtheart]

Hi Annie.
From what I’ve read, sometimes the addict has to keep pushing the envelope further and further until they’ve reached every.single.limit. It’s like a warped and disgusting snowball effect; start with tits, go to trannies, go to this and that, etc. My “thing” watched some SICK disgusting crap that made my stomach turn. I still have no idea why he watched it because he never did the recovery and he never did the disclosure {I just found it and he ignored the fact that I found it}. He did, however, have an insane obsession with brutal anal sex. Most of his porn was that, and the few times we would have sex he was always trying to get me to do it {plus I heard from his ex’s that the only way they could get him to have sex with them after awhile was to allow the anal}. I never let him and thank god for that. Funny thing is, he only had anal sex with half of the hookers he went with {I know this because I’ve read his “reviews” on them}. When I asked why he said it was a money thing. But who knows.

[hurtheart]

Without a doubt, the answer is NO
{my child, however, is also the award 🙂 }

[hurtheart]

I agree with Lynn. On the initial d-day, most of the love I felt for him just..stopped. Why? Because I realized that the man I loved didn’t really exist. The tiny bit of feeling I had left for him was slowly killed as time went on, with uncovering more betrayals that he hadn’t confessed to, continuing to act out, NOT making any effort at all to change and/or make up for what he had done, and feeling no remorse over how his actions not only impacted me, but impacted my little girl as well {how could a real good man and father NOT feel guilty about using his daughters money to pay for hookers??} He won’t leave because he has no place to go, and he put me and my almost 3 year old in dire straights financially. He doesn’t give a shit. He’s a dead man walking; there’s nothing there. I have no love for this person at all; plus, I don’t LIKE this person or respect him. So I would say 90% of the love just disappeared after the initial d-day and the remaining 10% has been squashed since then {June 2010}. The man I loved didn’t exist. Bottom line.

[hurtheart]

Hmm..maybe I should try this out. I haven’t worn actual perfume in years; I get a fabulous body spray from bath and body works that smells delicious and makes me feel sexy {it’s called “Dark Kiss” in case anyone is interested…you can get the shower gel and lotion as well}. Perhaps, since my 40th birthday is looming at me in a few weeks, I’ll try out a real perfume.

[hurtheart]

My “thing” has stopped therapy because he won’t admit that he has deep issues. I went to see his last 2 therapists before he halted sessions and both of them told me that not only does he have the emotional maturity of a 14 yr old boy, he has the rational and self control of a toddler! It’s not sexy, it’s not sad, it’s flat out pathetic.

[hurtheart]

You’re going to have meltdowns. Because you are human. You FEEL. You’re hurt, angry, confused, and for good reasons. We all need to release those feelings every now and then, for bottling them up all.the.time would be maddening.
It’s been almost 2 years since my initial d-day and I still have meltdowns. I always want to kick myself in the ass for trying to get through to this “thing” I married, but sometimes screaming at the top of my lungs does help me feel better.

[hurtheart]

I do not believe that anyone can truly be in love with a person who has betrayed them, degraded them, disrespected them and ignored them, etc etc. You can be in love with the *idea* of whom you believed that person to be, but that is as far as it goes. I am not in love with my “thing”. I do not love him at all, actually, for he is not the man I thought he was. He is a stranger, and one who possesses qualities that I abhor. There’s nothing there to love. And for me, I can’t even like the *idea*, let alone love it. I’m with him because I cannot get out due to financial issues, no support, a little one, and a man in such denial that he is fighting me tooth and nail regarding divorce; not because he actually cares about me or my daughter, but because he, too, has no place to go.

[hurtheart]

Welcome Daisy. Sorry you have a reason to be here but happy you have found a wonderful support system in SOS

[hurtheart]

My “thing” and I live in very small space but I try to avoid him as much as possible. He sleeps on the couch and I sleep in the bed. Once in a blue moon, out of pure human necessity, I take my contacts out and have “sex” with him. I am 100% detached. I can’t see him, so I can pretend it’s anyone I want. I refuse to perform oral on him because I know where his basket has been. I’ll allow him to perform it on me because it’s the only way for me to have an O. He was never into kissing me {something that used to bother me but now..who cares? He kissed hookers}! so I don’t have to worry about the intimacy issue. And I always use a condom. However, my example is more than likely a bad one. My best friend tells me I’m insane to even have sex with him 1x every 2 months or so. She said it would be safer..and less disgusting..to go with a stranger. I can see her point, but who has the time and energy to go and meet anybody? Bottom line…I do have sex with him once in awhile, not often, and I am as emotionally detached from him as he is with me.

[hurtheart]

So far, in my situation, my gut has never been wrong since I found out what type of “thing” I am married to. Every.single.time something seemed “off’ or didn’t add up, I was right, even though my “thing” seemed so sincere when he denied stuff. He’s a cool, efficient liar. From here forth, I go with my gut, and even if I’m unable to obtain physical proof {it’s rare, but there are some things I do not have physical proof of} I know he’s lying and whatever it appears he’s done..well, he’s guilty.

[hurtheart]

My SA lies 24/7 about everything..down to what he ate for breakfast. I’m guessing his eye is stuck in the dilated position…

[hurtheart]

I know this may sound unbelievable but I never lie to myself about my “thing” at all. I know he’s a disturbed and disgusting individual who has no hope to ever change his ways. I know he’s only a shell of a human being, and the only time he appears to have life in him is when he is A} doing his disgusting things or B} pretending to be “man of the century” in front of others in order to stroke his ego. He has sucked as a friend {he claims to have so many, but in 6 years I’ve never seen one of them, and none of them have met our daughter who is almost 3} he sucks as a husband {obvious reasons} he sucks as a father {again, obvious reasons} he sucks at his job {always getting written up, no raises, no promotions, no anything}. Dude can’t even hammer a nail into a wall. I try so hard to figure out how he duped me into marrying him as I would NEVER EVER EVER in a million years give a guy like this the time of day, let alone marry him. I have to chalk it up to the fact that I had meningitis and encephalitis {bet you he gave it to me}! when I accepted his marriage proposal and I still had it when I married him. I had a bad case and it takes years to recover. Is that a lie I’m telling myself? I don’t think so because my best friend, my sister, and my parents all brought that to my attention and that’s how the lightbulb went off over my head and made me think “oh yea”..cause honestly, I don’t even remember my wedding day. At all. {when I watched the dvd it was if I were watching a movie for the first time}…

[hurtheart]

I agree with NAP. I do not believe that they have the capability of feeling anything remotely close to a human feeling, and this includes jealousy. They are, however, paranoid assholes who will make it appear that they are “worried” we may do to them what has been done to us; but in reality the only thing they are worried about is getting caught again because that kills part of what makes them feel so special…doing bad things and GETTING AWAY WITH IT, not getting caught.
Just to screw with him though, I would make an adventure of driving around to places which will confuse him; go to 3 different grocery stores within an hour or so…repeatedly drive down dead end streets for no reason..and if you really want to see if he’s watching, drive to a law firm. More than once. 🙂

[hurtheart]

Very interesting article. And although I do believe that some people have addictions to which they have almost no control over, I know this is not the only problem with the “thing” that I married. I am addicted to cigarettes; I’m aware of this. The only thing he is addicted to is being an asshole.

[hurtheart]

Lexie, I’m sorry you’re feeling this way, but I can relate. I can offer you love and light and and can also say with confidence that you can do this and come out a better person in the end, even though it feels hopeless right now.

[hurtheart]

Thank you guys for your kind words and for all the positive energy you’re sending me. I’m sorry to be such a bummer but these are my true, raw feelings and quite frankly, I have nobody in real life who completely understands..and those that do understand at least a little bit are pretty much tired of listening to it {plus I especially didn’t want to ruin their holidays…}

[hurtheart]

I have had a similar problem but my SA is even more disgusting; he would mentally torture me with his insanity until I broke down and cried…just so he could video it in the hopes of making me seem “unfit” and “crazy”. I found half a dozen videos of me crying hysterically in the kitchen or in the bedroom. One was entitled “Needs therapy”.

[hurtheart]

I no longer believe in recovery for these people. If they can suppress their sexual perversion for some time, the OCD tendencies will spill over into another area, and the pathological lying will continue on, for all they know how to do is obsess about something, sneak around, get a high off of “cheating”, and lie about it until their blue in the face.
Sorry, didn’t mean to be a bummer.
Plus, how can you ever really know what’s going on in someone’s head???

[hurtheart]

I am so sorry to hear about this. It’s one of the things I fear for when my little one is older; that somehow she will not fully understand what her dad did, and take his side {especially since he is manipulating and conniving, as is his whole family}. I can only imagine the depth of the pain you feel that your children seem so indifferent to what has happened. It’s probably because you were so strong and never showed any signs of how it affected you; sometimes being a strong person can cause others to think you are capable of enduring anything, and therefore do not need comfort and/or support from them.
Keep your head up

[hurtheart]

Thanks for clarifying. I was totally lost.

[hurtheart]

I can honestly say…I have absolutely no idea what the hell this is all about….
And wait…NAP is gone????
I’m totally lost.

[hurtheart]

First off…congrats on your grandbaby! What a wonderful gift!
As for your SA..he sucks. You know it, we know it, and deep down inside, one day, he will know it. The mind fuckery is absolutely insane with these guys, and it wears us down the longer we have to deal with it. Believe me, I know. I agree with our sisters…do what you gotta do!

[hurtheart]

I do not believe in sex addiction. At all. I doubt my “thing” does either. He probably saw an article about SA and decided to use it as his “get out of jail free” card for being a lying cheating fucktard.
What I have noticed is the behavior that he displays with his sexual problems carry over into everyday life and pretty much touches on everything he does. Things such as OCD come to mind when I try to pinpoint why he does the things he does.
Since before SOS was created, I mentioned on the original site that I believed my “thing” to be a narcissist with sociopathic tendencies and a raging case of OCD. This “thing” shows no remorse about me, or ANYTHING else. It’s not just the marriage. It’s not just sex. It’s EVERYTHING: It’s his living child. His deceased child. His job. His dying Aunt. Etc, etc. He is cold. His eyes are empty. He has no soul. He is incapable of feeling ANYTHING unless it directly gives him some sort of stimulation; whether that is having sex with fat prostitutes or spending thousands of dollars on himself for things such as food and football crap, as opposed to setting up a savings for his child or even buying her a toy. He spent the money I had put aside to pay for my son’s burial on hookers and fantasy football, as well as concert tickets and video games. He claims to be “close to” and “love” his family, yet he has never ONCE talked to either of his brothers unless it was at a wedding, funeral, or holiday. His Aunt that he claims is his “rock” is dying of lung cancer and has been fighting it for a year; he has never visited her or even called her to ask how she was, yet he SHED TEARS while dancing with her at our wedding {he shed tears with the brothers too} in what now appears to have been just an act to get people to like him and believe he is a “good guy” and “family oriented”. He’s totally delusional about life in general. A 30something year old man who doesn’t know the difference between right or wrong, good or bad, and only cares about pleasing himself, and creating rituals on how to please himself, with no regard to anybody else around him.
Sex addict? I doubt it. Perverted loser? I’m positive. Pathological liar? I am 100% positive! Narcissist? Absolutely. OCD? More than likely. Self centered little whiny 4 year old trapped in a man’s body? HELL YEA.
This dude had NOTHING tragic happen to him in his life. In fact, it is the complete opposite. Born with a silver spoon in his mouth. Given ANYTHING and EVERYTHING he ever wanted without EVER having to work for it. Coddled and praised for doing pretty much NOTHING. Any trouble he was ever in he had someone dig him out of it. He’s lied and been bad in the past as everyone just pats him on the back and says “it’s ok”. He is an empty shell of a person. Just a mound of flesh with cold blue eyes staring out at you. No personality {he did in the beginning, but it was just an act}, nothing at all to offer anyone YET everyone thinks he is fan-fucking-tastic. He is a demented parrot who just says the same lines over and over again in a monotone voice and somehow manages to manipulate everyone into believing he is something that he’s not. He’s a coward who can’t face the reality of who and what he is, nor can he face reality in general.
But sex addict? I don’t think so. The only thing he’s “addicted” to is HIMSELF.
Sorry. Didn’t mean to go on a tangent.

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